A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need an outside opinion of my relationship...I don't know if my husband is abusive or if I an or both or what I'm supposed to do about it!! I feel like I'm losing my mind!!I've been married almost 2 years and we've been separated on and off for one of those years.So this is what my husband does that worries me:He is constantly critical of me, everything I do from the way I clean house to the way I look and who my friends are. He always says he is joking or he is just trying to help me even though I tell him over and over it's not helping and I don't think it's funny and it hurts my feelings. Sometimes when I remind him he is putting me down again and I don't like it he says I need to just relax and I make too big of a deal out of stuff. I am also starting to think he has a sexual addiction or something. He promised me at the beginning that he wouldn't be using porn or anything because he knew I was against it. Over the years I've found it on the computer but he promised they were just pop-ups because he was downloading stuff. Then one day he just admitted it to me. I've also found out that he has been having cybersex.A few times he has physically attacked me but he never hurt me. He said he was just trying to get me to listen and that I was making him scared I was going to abandon him. Half of my family and friends think he is wonderful but the other half think I need to run away fast.The other day we were watching TV and the dog jumped in my lap and I kissed her and he got mad and jealous and said I love the dog more than him and how it's not fair that I never do anything nice for him.He always has sex with me in my sleep. Well he wants to have sex all the time. Even if we have sex twice before bed he will tell me he isn't satisfied and that I'm not making him feel loved. When I decline for time #3 (or #1 2 4, etc you get the point) he will wait until I am sleeping and will get on top me of and stick his tongue on my mouth and take my clothes off. I used to wake up and freak out and he would insist he was sleeping. Now I just pretend to be asleep and he doesn't stop and he talks while he does it even asking if I am awake and if somehow I manage to get into a position where he can't do it he will get mad and masturbate but the next morning insists he was sleeping and I'm making it up.I have been told in the past that I sometimes get so caught up in something that I lie until it becomes true for me, not like an outright lie, but like something that was once a thought for me becomes a fact. And if that's true I feel insane because to me everything I think and feel is real and I have memories of it. Once my friend mentioned that to him and he says now that when I call him abusive and say those bad things about him that it is all in my head and I'm 'doing it again.' That he isn't abusive but i make this all up in my head and that the small parts that are true I made up in my head.What I have done is that when we separated I slept with someone else. And he has forgiven me and says he wants to work it out but that he doesn't know if he can because I am crazy and he feels like he will have to spend forever nursing me back to health. That I am a scary person and he is scared to stay married.He is also so good though, like he takes really good care of me and I never want for anything and we have SO much fun together.I am just really confused. I love him but part of me feels like it is all him and I need to get out but most of me feels like I am probably making way to big of a deal of this in my head. I know that since he has put his hands on me everyone will say run but even my family says that they think I am the kind of person that can be so irritating and in your face that you'll do anything to make me get out of your way. He loves me and really wants us to be happy and have a family and not fight anymore. I'm so confused!!!If it's me, I need to know how to stop. Therapy is unhelpful, ive tried. He thought it was ny husband and not me, but how would he know because he doesn't see it happen so what if I'm making it up and I don't realize it? No one can help me I feel like. I wish I had a video of my whole life so I could know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): Hi there, I am so sorry for what you are going through and I am going to pray for God to give you strength to see the truth and to feel loved like you deserve. MY OPINION, I am with a man that finds the things that bother me the most, especially if someone else agrees with him, like say for instance (I am messy, or I always nag him, or I hate it when he always threatens to leave me and he threatens me more etc. etc etc.) THis is a narcissistic behavior that your man is exhibiting. From what you've said, he has some abandonment issues himself, and he has some kind of need to put you down and make you feel like you're crazy, in order to feel better about himself and his actions. THis is a very dangerous situation you are in, and I am not even referring to the physical violence portion. If you can think back to a time in your life when you really felt good about yourself and your life, think about how you were more sure and able to speak more freely , etc., Now look at what has happened to you, you are beginning to become so rejected and crucified by the one that you love, that you are beginning to question yourself and even your sense of reality! Please listen to what I am saying here, I m really worried about you because the future may be a scary place indeed. If you continue to allow him to put you down, take advantage of you sexually (borderline rape), and then make you feel like you are the one who is wrong, you are going to perpetuate the negativity and your sense of self is going to plummet to ZERO! From what you wrote, you sound like an intelligent, insightful person, who cares and wants to do what is right. You do not this man that wants to make you look crazy, stupid and insane! I know that it is easier to talk about leaving than actually doing it, and maybe leaving isn't the best way to go. I wish that you could get your man into see a psychologist. No matter how manipulative he is with you and your family and friends, the psychologist would eventually see through something within him. You have to look out for your LIFE, THIS IS YOUR LIFE, YOUR SELF WORTH, YOUR SELF RESPECT, YOUR SELF LOVE all going down the drain. By the time he is done with you, you are going to feel so crazy and insecure and inadequate, that you wont be able to leave him because you are going to let him beat you down emotionally until you start believing what he is telling you, you already are! THis is tragic. PLease sister, you need to start today and make a new pact with yourself, (regardless if you are capable of lying once in a great while are not, we have all lied or stretched the truth sweetheart or remembered something a little off, and we'll all do it again okay, you are not a bad person, you are NORMAL!!!!), HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE LIED TO YOU....AUGH! Make a pact that you will get your life back. If you are religious, I would pray every chance you can for quick help and strength and love and direction and revelation one day at a time. If you are not religious, than tell yourself that your life is all you have, if you do not love yourself and respect yourself no man will respect you either! If you are down, most selfish insecure men will kick you again and again while you are there so that you'll never get back up, it could get so bad that not even the broken man you are with, (THIS IDIOT) will want you because you have become broken like him. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN YET HONEY. I don't care if you have to go up to him and say, ..........."listen here, I am worth something, and if not to you, than you need to be dang sure that you know I am to myself. I need to apologize, I have been walking around here like a sad individual, but that stops today! I love myself, and I want to love you, but I need to be respected, and when I tell you that something hurts me, stop it! If you can't stop opening your mouth to say something mean or something that attempts to make me feel crazy, than shut it! If you can't stop rolling over to take ADVANTAGE of me at night, then grab a pillow and lock yourself in the bathroom baby, because that is crazy! You love me or you don't, but I decided that I haven't been loving myself enough lately, and I'm moving in a new direction. Either you are on board with trying to build me up and loving me, or you need to start stepping! It seems that you forgot something mister, I made it before you and you better know that I will make it again after you if that day comes, if you can't get your own head in check enough to see that you are being abusive, than baby, take it to someone who cares! Because you have a woman who cares deeply for you now, but you need to be well aware, that I am not going to stay with a man who cannot love me back and make me feel good too! If I am a sex toy to you, than say that, I can take it, it will hurt me, but I am a big girl and I would rather know the truth. If I am worth more to you, than SHOW IT, or i'll have to start showing myself, alone-In your own words of course. Best of luck to you, but please don't let this man make you believe that you are crazy, he is one person, and regardless if you have kids, a marriage, love does not look like this honey, you will always have problems, but you need to have your voice heard and your body respected, you should not spend you days cleaning up after a man that has left you shattered and questioning your own sanity. Leaving would be hard, but one hard year of getting over it and getting your self back, is surely 100X better than 50 more with a man that is damaging and abusive. Your friend-
A
female
reader, BBee  +, writes (10 October 2010):
LOVE ???? He loves you? He really loves you? You are in the middle of a situation in which you need to make a decision. STAY or LEAVE If your best friend told you exactly what you just told me, what would you tell her to do? YOUR NOT CRAZY. Trust yourself. When something is telling you there is something wrong. YOUR RIGHT. Your NOT the problem. "WHAT YOU HAVE NOW, YOU WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE." Is this what you want? Making a family with this man will only trap you. You and your child will suffer, not him. THIS IS ABUSE. WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS? This isn't love sweetie. This is all about control. Why would you ever think for five minutes this man loves you. He is a Wolf in Sheep's clothes. You know what to do. Stop second guessing yourself. YOU ARE STONG, WIPE YOUR HANDS, and STAND.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Having sex with you while you are asleep is without a doubt rape. You need to report him to the police and have him put away for that. He is clearly extremely abusive, but abusing you and then making you think that it's you who is crazy. This is a tactic abusers often use to try to keep control over their victims. You don't need to go to a therapist, you need to go to the police. You should look up a women's shelter nearby and go there to get away from this man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow no that's not me. But interesting because there are a lot of similarities but it hasn't been that bad physically and i only had a one night stand. My husband is just really bad with his mouth more than anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Ummm... is this also you, by any chance? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-dont-want-to-live-in-an-abusive.html
If so, EVERYONE has told that YES, your husband is abusive, and YES, you should leave him. Where's the confusion?
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Just leave him immediately. He is causing you physical and mental anguish, listen to yourself, this man is driving you to the brink of insanity.
He has forced himself on you sexually, he has attacked you physically, he has attacked you verbally, this is not the way a husband should treat his wife. You need to leave him. None of it is your fault so do not start thinking that, do not let this man cause you anymore harm. If you can, find another place to live, at a friend's house, at a close family member's house but just get away from this man and get a divorce.
I hope that helps.
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