A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I've been dating a girl for more than a year, and we plan to live together soon.We live on different sides of the country and met when she was in town on a business trip, but manage to meet up quite frequently, often for several days at a time.We clicked right away, and got a little serious in our planning a little quickly.Certain things give me reason to worry. The first is that she's a true social butterfly - constantly spending time with male friends - often in a one-on-one setting - with her phone off. She'll also go out to parties and return at 5am, then call me (time difference - her 5am).When we spend time together, different men text her constantly, asking her to join them out around town (usually simple social party stuff, but it really is constant). Even though a flight is involved, it's still strange that she's never invited me to meet her family (parents), as she has met mine. And there have been plenty of opportunities, but there's always some reason why I shouldn't. I'm not a man who makes a poor impression either.She'll keep her phone off or not return calls for hours on end - even when she said she'd call in five minutes. But I think she does that to everybody, and has no idea that it is rude. She's argued with many other friends about flaking out of social events (including weddings!) and not answering her phone the whole time, and seems to have no idea that this is a selfish move. Most of her friends still do not know she is in a relationship. She explains that to me by going on about how her life is her life, and they don't need to know about it.She has at least once straight out lied to me about her whereabouts. The thing is, without going into details about the event, I know that she wasn't cheating or anything, just trying to avoid an awkward situation.She has a sweet voice, and is fun to be around, and is absolutely gorgeous, and I love her, and she professes love for me constantly. I think she's a lovely person, just one with MANY quirks - some of which are difficult to deal with in a relationship.Things have been shaky, and I've initiated breakups in the past when all these things have gotten too much for me. Obviously, as I'm writing this, the breakups never took.Both my friends, and Her Friends think she's bad news for me and have told me so. In fact, so have my parents. On the other hand, I greatly enjoy the time we spend together, and I know that she's a closed off person, so all these people saying things to me don't see all her sides. Plus, the stuff coming from my friends and my parents has certainly been influenced by me blabbing to them about my own concerns.After knowing me for a year, she'll still occasionally ask me the absolute stupidest, most stereotypical, and bordering on ignorant questions about my race and religion. She's a minority herself, and I would think she would know how horrible these questions she asks sound, but she doesn't - and the fact that she'd even have these assumptions after a year together makes me think that there are still very basic cultural things that she really can't see past.I don't want to see this thing go out the window, and if I turn off to her because of these problems I have, I'll always wonder if I was wrong and she really was the sweet girl that I enjoy spending time with. But it all happens too frequently. and I'm concerned that if the move in happens, we'll argue constantly (she picks arguments with me frequently - I can never seem to say the right thing). But if we don't move in, all of these problems that come mainly from us being long distance, will continue to fester, and will most definitely end this relationship between two people who I believe truly love each other. If not, why would she profess her love constantly, and fight so hard against our breakups?If you've read this long, please give a response. Am I fooling myself? Is there a chance that when she moves in (a date RAPIDLY approaching), we'll be perfectly happy together and just be two people in love, or will she still be closed off, which will lead to me still being suspicious?Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): I think she is happy with an anonymous man, sadly there are probably others like you. To the other guys, you are probably just a social, party-type friend. This sounds very sad as I can tell you love her, however as someone already said, "love is blind". I think you should pull up that stakes are make a move toward someone who will give you the respect you deserve, that person is out there and will show up when the time is right. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I unfortunatlely have first hand experience in this exact situation. She left for college and turned into a different person. Male friends became more important that our own relationship, she would defend ignoring me by saying, "I don't want to be rude" (to her guy friends). If you really mean so much to the person, you are more important than most everything else and that will show in everything they do.
A
female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (2 May 2008):
It doesn't sound like she is a keeper. You say that you love her, but love is blind. You can't see through her, but you should listen to your friends and family....they have no emotional attachment to this girl and can see through her phony personality. They are outsiders looking in a different perspective than you. You say you love her, but I don't think you love her for her winning personality, you love her for her looks and that is going to end in a disaster on that itself. There is much more to a person than her being "gorgeous" and "fun." And frankly how can she be much fun when everything about her is rude and inconsiderate? You have an advantage here.....you do not live close by and if you break up with her, you won't have to worry about running into her....you will get over it so much easier. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (2 May 2008):
 This seems rather contradictory, first she is the sweetest girl that you like to hang around with, and most of the other times she is inconsiderate and rude, and asks you pointedly hurtful questions about your race and religion.
She has never introduced you to her parents even though you have flown many times accross the country and vice versa to see each other...and she has met yours.
She is gorgeous and has many superficial friends it sounds, lots of male attention and plenty of invites to party until wee hours of the morning.
And you don't say much else about her, like she is intelligent, she is caring, she has values similar to yours, she is ambitious, she would make a great mother, she has some really interesting hobbies.
My take on this is that you are physically attracted to her, and you have settled for a superficial relationship. All your friends, her friends and your family can see it....and feel so strongly about it they actually tell you she is bad news. Studies show that your family would do a better job of picking someone for you than you do, but of course we don't listen to family, but why don't we? They know us well, they have our best interests at heart, but of course they aren't always objective, especially when you tell them about the bad stuff and problems....and they don't see the good things...
She fights so hard against your break up most likely because you are reliable and she knows she has a keeper, someone that she can take for granted and that you will always be there as long as she can reassure you and make empty promises to you, you will cave in and stick around. She confuses your steadfastness for love.
She sounds like a girl who hasn't had to develop herself because she is pretty....she doesn't sound like she is ready to settle down. Living together will make it glaringly obvious just how incompatible you are, and it isn't a real commitment as you both will always have one foot out the door...so I can't recommend it, perhaps she could move to be near you and keep her own place.
Are you moving to her part of the country or is she moving to be with you? I can't see her being happy giving up her entourage and if she leaves all that, she will be back on the plane in a month, tops.
Well, anyway, I hope I am wrong and you will live happily ever after, but it doesn't seem like there is a great foundation here, only window dressing.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (2 May 2008):
 She sounds like a chameleon. Like she lacks an identity and needs constant social feedback to define her. It's hard to say if she's cheating but women like this are more prone to it because they crave so much validation from so many different people. I don't think she's being closed off intentionally, it just may be that she is spread so thin, she truly has no sense of self awareness or self reflection. She may have more breadth than depth. She's not a very reliable or considerate friend so I can't see how she'd make a good partner for the future. Perhaps you are a bit superficial yourself because what you like about her is what she is presenting to you- beautiful and fun! Doesn't sound like it takes much more to secure your attachment. It seems to me she can be as flakey, unreliable, and as much of an actress as she wants (portraying different sides to different people) as long as she doesn't cheat. Well, I don't think you will get that type of character, the one that has the sensitivity and depth to respect her partner, in this superficial package. How can she possibly respect that commitment when she can't even respect smaller ones?
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