A
female
age
51-59,
*ilver_1964
writes:I am in avery loving relationship with a wonderful man. He has three young girls (ages 8and 11,8 year old twins),whom I get along with very well.The only problem is the ex wife (thier mother),ho is very controlling ,vicious and jealous.She blames me for breaking the family up ,(not true) and says alot of mean things about me in front of the girls.She punishes my man by keeping the girls from him and also says mean stuff about me to him.Anytime we make plans she makes him feel guilty about not spending time with his girls,and anytime he wants to spend time with them she wont allow them to go with us.If we go anywhere in public,she is there for example we went out to celebrate my birthday myself,bf and girls and she shows up at the same restaurant with her boyfriend,and one of the twins piped up and said she planned to do this!I sometimes feel my boyfriend is afraid of her,or still feels guilty because he left her and no matter what we talk about her name gets in there somehow.I feel insecure when this happens and is wondering does he still love her? Did he move too fast with me? He assures me that he loves me very much,and his life is so much better and calmer without her in it .What do you think? Is he totally over her,and also when me and him are in public,he seems very uncomfortable and when he runs into people he doesnt introduce me and I feel he is ashamed of us.He says its awkard because he knew these people while he was married to her.We live in a fairly small town so alot of people know each other.Maybe I am reading into too much but this stuff bothers me,and I need advice on handling it.Thanks
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female
reader, silver_1964 +, writes (3 September 2009):
silver_1964 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI certainly dont want to show up his ex wife with the children~!I think you should go back to my answer and read what is happening now an update!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): silver i read all you said. you may it seem like the wife is 100% to blame for the breakdown of your bf's marriage. with all due respect, i think you have blinkers on. it takes two to mess up. surely her husband also should take some blame for their marriage failing. i know you want to do the best for the kids but seems like you are trying too hard to show their mother up. my friend was like you too - she made certain she was the best - the best " mother" than the ex, the best sex partner than the ex, the best friend than the ex, the best everything. this plot worked for a while ubtil she was beaten at her own game. she had to learn to not be competitive with the ex wife. she had to learn to not want to be the best all the time. being the best almost drove her insane (not to mention the problems with the kids and the hb).you are the strong one in your realtionship. seems like you also control your bf's action. becareful you don't start acting like his wife!
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female
reader, silver_1964 +, writes (2 September 2009):
silver_1964 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI read your answer and I feel for you.My situation isnt as bad because he has stood up to her and I make his life so much easier.I dont know what to tell you but being apart isnt the answer!
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female
reader, silver_1964 +, writes (2 September 2009):
silver_1964 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have read all your answers and some seem to blame my bf and me !I cant understand why!Here is the story from my bfs view point and people (some her family)from here;after my bf and her had twin girls things changed between them.She was overwhelmed by the demands of two infants and a four year old,and when he came home from work he would help out as much as he could.He did any of the hopuse work thats he couldnt do and told her to go out or lie doiwn and let him take over.His family offered to give them abreak by taking the children for a day or anight but she wouldnt hear tell of it.As the children grew ,he would take them out but she didnt want to go on any outings with them.Thier sex life became non existant and she was demanding and controlling over everything.He is a part of a large family whom she hated and riducled from time to time.She fought about everything and he tried to get her and him to go to marriage counselling.She refused and told him over and over it wasnt worth the effort.After taking many years of abuse and sleeping seperately he told her he wanted things to change but she still refused.So he left,and they got along better,but far as he was concerned that was great fopr the girls' sakes.She started dating and then he met me.We hit it off right away and thats when she got vindidctive.She demanded everything from him and the list is endless.She used the girls over his head keeping them from him.We has these girls three weekends (if she allows it) a monthy.We spend alot of time with them and they have fun.They also spend every Wednesday evening for supper with us.I understand that she is thier mother,and I respect that.All I want is to make them feel happy and welcome and at ease with me.I want to make them feel comfortable with me in thier lives.I did not break up his marriage and he certainly is a wonderful caring man.Things are better between us,and I know he would never go back with her because of how he was treated by her.He is more comfortable being in public with me and we enjoy our times together.Yes we had issues and some of them are still there abit,but improved alot over the summer months.Yes he did love his ex wife,and he tried everything to make his marriage work but it takes two.People has commented on the girls'well being stating they seem more happier and confident and he firmly belives they are that way because they are not in an envioroment of fighting anymore.I love this man with all my heart and would meet his ex half ways if she allowed it.Thanks for all the helpful advice,but some stuff was said was hurtful and spiteful because I feel you mistook our situation!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): I reas your post and am in a similar situation. The ex has no friends no life lives on the computer, uses anyone the kids friends of theres to slag me. He feels huge guilt because of this, we had the best but he said he could not commit 100% because of business and kids (which are grown and moved out) He says he still loves me and misses me and to please give him some time to sort things out. He is not seeing his ex. I don't know what to do we have been together 5 years but even now she still manages to push his buttons. I think maybe he thinks if we were not together it would be easier for him to deal with her business wise and family wise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): I have read your answer and marriages does break up not because of being involved with someone else but circumsrtances!I left my marriage once also and it was because of a controlling spouse!I met this man and he was single so what did we do wrong?Yes they had three children so did i but there arte sio many things you dont know about this woman!If my bf wants to be out of his marriage and she also moved on too what is the problem?We didnt happen until we were both single so how can anyof this be my fault?or his fault?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): silver, the only reason the ex is acting this way is because her emotions are still involved with her husband. surely you can understand that . you claim that she is evil, how many ex wives get the blame. you have not acknowledged that this man is also to blame for the breakdown of his marriage. his ex is not the enemy, this is what happenes when another woman/person gets involved with a married/seperated man with kids. unfortunately it is a reality, the emoitons are raw and it hurts everyone. this man has a lot of guilt WHY???? what has he not revealed to you, this guilt means that no matter what he tells you about his ex, he is not fully over their parting. so believe whatever you want about his ex, the fact is she has been bitterly hurt by her marriage ending, you came on the scene almost immediately, so cut her some slack and allow her to moURN the end of her marriage HER WAY. sometimes it is not the ex who is the enemy to the new person in the triangle. it is actually the other spouse who perpetrates the drama. you say she is not a nice person, well she was nice enough for him to make 3 babies with her, wasn't she. then he was not complaining about her! seems like you are just too ready to blame the wife for everything gone wrong. how many years were they married for. this will give you an indication of the bond they share, no matter what he tells you.
i have to caution you woth your words "... know that people get hurt and are bitter,but if youre not happy in your marriage,no feelings left it is best to leave..." these are tthe typical words of the other woman, so sad when you justify this affair. whatever you think of the wife, she has brought up 3 wonderful kids, this proves that she is not the big bad witch you and her husband make her out to be. stop blaming her and start looking realistically at the whole picture, if you dare.
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female
reader, silver_1964 +, writes (26 August 2009):
silver_1964 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have read all your answers!I ahve to say things are kind of the same but a little improved.I ahve to make this very clear to everyone...when I started dating this guy he was seperated from his ex.He was living in another house and trying to start a new life.He left her because of the abuse she gave him,and thier lack of intimacy,and this is a small town and I have freinds who heard rumours.This wioman isnt anice woman,and no matter what you think of me if you knew her you would know.He tried to keep a freindship going for the sake of his girls with his ex,and she was in total agreement,however she did want him back,and when he started dating me thats whemn she went for his juglur!LOLShe started keeping his kids from him,and telling them that he didnt want to be with them.He cried more often here on my shoulder over these childrenbecause he missed them and couldnt get to see him.she even kept them from going to a playground which is close to her house because we used to walk by it to talk to them!One good thing though is has come out of this and that ishe has finally saw alawyer and is looking for joint custody.We are in the process now of doing this ,well the courts are.There are still unresolved issues cooncerning the girls and another thing...what is your take on 11 year old girl,still wanting to sleep with daddy?I told him I felt she was too old but I didnt pursue the matter.He doesnt think its aproblem..what do you guys think?
He is avery loving man ,and we are talking about his feelings about his ex,there sint any.He is losing respect for the things she has said to him,and we are going out more in public,and its not as hard as it was for him.He is staring to introduce me to more people,and that seems to be working itself out fine.
I appreciate all the answers and I know that people get hurt and are bitter,but if youre not happy in your marriage,no feelings left it is best to leave.Thanks I appreciate all your answers and for the reader who said he was selfish ,not true.He is awonderful man but yes still has alot of guilt issues which bothers me that concerns his ex,and I hope in time that will end
Thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): I am sorry, you're right. I didn't read your question correctly. I re-read it and realized I was answering 2 different peoples' question/concern. I read the comment under mine (not yours) and I agree wholeheartedly with her. My husband DID leave me for another. I am def. bitter about this. He lied over and over about it and kept coming back to me for intimacy for a few months after he officially moved out of our home. We have a child together and had been together for 15 years. I'm sorry about the comments about your bf. I really thought you were the "other woman" and wanted you to have another's perspective. It's been a few weeks since you posted the original ? so I hope things are better for you now. Please consider the things that other female writer says. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Your boyfriend is selfish. Plain and simple!! It's amazing to me that you don't see it. His life is calmer with you because it rarely involves children, that's my take on it. His relationship with you is new and fun and different, but life settles in and that newness and funness will die, actually it will probably crash and burn and then die. He put himself in a situation with you where there was potential for adultery. He put his own needs above that of his familiy. That's what I mean by selfish. My thought on your relationship is that if it starts out with dishonesty and selfishness that is what your foundation will be for the remainder of your relationship. Do you want that? I doubt it. Take off your blinders and see things as they are, he disrespected his wife and lost the confidence of his children (no matter how much he loves them and vice versa). His actions DO NOT demand any respect whatsoever. There's no doubt the trend will continue. Do you want a relationship with him when trust will always be an issue, or where you stand is unknown. And YES, you absolutely DID contribute to the breakup. Don't cast blame.
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female
reader, silver_1964 +, writes (30 July 2009):
silver_1964 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of female writer,you are taking my question wrong!I was not in the picture when my bf and his ex split!I came on the scene after they were seperated!He did mnot cheat on her or have an affair that isnt why they split.The reason for thier breaking up was because they were not getting along.He in the last few years wanted her to go to marriage counselling but she she didnt want to.She was too controlling,wouldnt sleep with him,and fought about everything ,and he just got to the point,that he couldnt take it.His children were suffering because of the tension and fighting between the twoof them so thats why he left.He never left the children,tried to make it easy as possible,they are still in the house they were born into and he moved fairly close so he could be with them as often as possible.All that was working well until he started seeing me.She also was in the dating scene but nobody steady.
As for the public thing,we do go out in public,it is just that when we meet people e.i. friends or aquaintances from him and her,he feels awkward like he wont introduce me.
I think you for some reason labelled me as the other woman ,because in your past someone left you for another woman.
I will not give this woman slack because she is dating,she has his house and car,and is mad because I get along so well wioth him and her kids.Your answer was not helpful,you sound like you were against me and basically didnt read my question!
My concern is that my bf has too much issues worrying about the people in town thinks of me and him, and eventully it will bother me so much ,it will create problems.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): if you were the third person in this marriage then yes she would still feel bitter. basically she is still blaming you for taking her husband. she is actually mourning the loss of her marriage and this is the only way she can vent. you are treated as her enemy and she blames you for breaking her home (that is if you did). it is never easy to accept when your spouse has an affair, and when he leaves you for the other woman. so maybe, just maybe you need to cut her some slack while she deals and heals from the breakup of her marriage. (sorry this is not what you wanted to hear, but lets face reality. this woman is going through hell, hell which, in her mind you created. this may be further than the trust but you need to see things from her perspective. she had 3 kids from this man and now her home has been destroyed. divorce is a destryer, people either cope or get destroyed in the process. this woman is lashing out, rightly or wrongly, and right noe you are in the firing line. how else does she cope with her anger, resentment, the betrayal. you see our actions have consequences. the consequences here is that this woman sees you as the homewrecker. as i said it is not what you want to hear but this is exactly what is happening. i wonder why your bf doesn't acknowledge you. i think you need to be more worried about this than his ex. did your bf loves on too fast with you. only time will tell. were you just a rebound relationship?? he has badmouthed his wife to you, trying to prove his love for you. big big mistake people make. in justtifying themselves or trying to prove how good the present partner is , badmouthing the ex only means one thing- coverups. maybe he needs to tell you bad things about his ex to coverup his feelings for her? also seems as though he is def ashamed to be seen in public with you. so what if people see you together. why does he want to keep you his dirty secret? you do you even stand for it. he should be proud to be with you. there is lots that you need to be aware of. observe and bring it to his attention. my friends bf (now hb) told her sh1t about his ex, how awful she was etc. later on it emerged that there were still unresolved feelings. this guy moved on with my friend even before the ink was dry on his divorce paper. big big mistake. frien and this guy moved in together quickly, married even quicker, she was pregnant 2 months later. the baby is now 3 and sadly it is not the best marriage. turns out that he was more of a problem than his ex. alarm bells. getting back to you- the problem with the ex will sort itself out in time.as the bitterness fades so will she. what is concerning is your man. his inability to introduce you as his new partner. this speaks volumes about his real feelings. he may have moved on sexually with you but emotionally he is still tied to the past. and this past includes his ex wife. so protect your heart a little, the ex will not break it but this man will. his behaviour sums up his feelings.if he is feeling guilty for ending his marriage then maybe he is having doubts, maybe he is regreting ending it with his wife, maybe he just didn't realise what he has lost until now. regarding yourself- your insecurities. why? what do you honestly think is happening here. only you know your bfs attitude towards his ex- does he genuinely 'hate' her or is he just saying this to make you happy. (or convince himself). are there any unresolved feelings he still has. do not believe everything he says about his ex, it may also just be malicious so that he doesn't face up to what has happened. how may years was he with her- surely he had some good times with his wife. if you are unsure about a future with this man, then take it easy. this man's girls are very young. you are in your 40s. is he older/younger than you. maybe age is also an obstacle in this relationship. when you are in a relationship your partner must be proud to be with you and be seen with you. if not, this disrespect does not warrant a realtionship?? you are not rading too much into your situation. you are observant and you have noted major things that may become bigger problems if they fester and not addressed.
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female
reader, silver_1964 +, writes (29 July 2009):
silver_1964 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Gina but it would be impossible to move out because his job is there and also he boughta house.I will however take your advice about going out of town when we spend time with the children and I never ever thrash her in front of the kids or even to him.I guess time will heal everything in the long run.Thanks
Silver_1964
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