A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I being too negative to consider a possible and positive future? Or is my gut's screaming correct? My boyfriend and I were recently laid off from our job, we're still working but our last day is approaching and then we will receive our severances. We have worked in a call center for the last few years, and anyone that knows how hellish that can be may understand where my bf is coming from. My boyfriend mentioned that he wanted to get on unemployment and use that time to find the job that he truly wants and stream video games. I've been applying feverishly for a new job w/ no luck, so unemployment may be a reality for me as well. We live in my childhood home with our friends/tenants and we barely get by. I know it's important to have money keep coming in. I asked my bf if he had a timeframe of how long he'd be unemployed for and when he'd decide to essentially take a job he didn't want to support the house, and he got mad at me and said that he's worked shit jobs and doesn't want to be unhappy/miserable anymore. He said it's unfair to impose a date expectation and emphasized how hard he'd be looking for a new job. Mind you, he is a 31 y.o hs graduate and college dropout w/ only customer service experience. He doesn't know what career he'd want aside from being a professional video gamer. He doesn't want to deal with customer issues, phone calls, no warehouse jobs. Currently, I am carrying the financial brunt of the house and he hopes that if we refinance the mortgage and keep tenants, our/his unemployment will help keep us afloat...but for how long? I and a few friends think he's being an unrealistic baby and not being a man about this. While I understand the stress of the job, I understand the paycheck is the goal and that the BS won't last forever. He had an interview with a call center for a major corp, and the benefits would make all of our lives easier, but he's decided that he will turn down the position. 1. Is it wrong to ask for a date from him of when he will abandon the search for the dream and work to support our everyday? 2. Is he being selfish for turning down the job? 3. Am I being too negative? Or being more realistic? I appreciate your words and wisdom with this.
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (1 September 2017):
We've all had jobs we've hated. But it is something you do when you have bills and no other choices. As you suggest, your BF is not terribly marketable with his limited employment experience. I don't know how realistic it is to become a professional video gamer and make an adequate living at it, but I can only imagine that his chances of that are similar to playing the lottery.
The most concerning part of your situation is that you may refinance the property. This could well extend his time period for video-game training...he won't feel the need to get a job until that money runs out. He has no motivation to do otherwise. In the meantime, you'll be increasing your monthly debt at a time when you can least afford it, which eventually result in you giving the house back to the bank or selling it with a reduced equity.
Frankly, this guy is a classic mooch. I'd be ashamed to have him as my son. I think you are right to give him a date, but I'd also watch him on a day-to-day basis: How much effort is he putting into finding that dream job? Or even researching what that dream job might be?
We don't know your exact situation or where you live and what your local employment opportunities are. However, he should be spending 40 hours per week looking for work. In general, the number of good jobs around the USA has become fewer and fewer, and part-time searching is no longer sufficient for finding one, especially when someone with a beer resume is looking for a champagne job.
Are your friends/tenants paying market rent? Can improve your financial situation by vacating the place and then renting to someone who will pay market rent? You could find a small apartment for yourself and let him go his way. Your BF is really not the guy you want for the rest of your life. It is better to end it now than wait for Mr. Mooch to mend his ways.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (31 August 2017):
1. Is it wrong to ask for a date from him of when he will abandon the search for the dream and work to support our everyday?NO, IT'S NOT WRONG. You are carrying the whole financial burden, and it's very hard for you alone to carry the whole burden yourself. When you are in a relationship, both should be actively working to provide to the relationship so that you can move further. 2. Is he being selfish for turning down the job?YES. He is not a taking into account your feelings, not taking into account both of your needs, he is not taking decisions as a couple. You see, HE NEEDS TO TAKE YOU INTO ACCOUNT in most of the decisions he make, you are a team, aren't you? 3. Am I being too negative? Or being more realistic?YOU ARE BEING REALISTIC. Please read this imaginary example. What if your boyfriend suddenly woke up, and told you he wanted to become a professional football player to support both of you, and you know that your boyfriend is not even fit enough for that task. Yes, it's ok to follow your dreams from time to time, but you need to be realistic at times, and support yourself and carry your own weight until you realize your dreams.Him becoming a professional gamer within a year is just as unrealistic as him becoming a professional football player out of the blue. You see, those professional players have years and years playing videogames, 24/7 , and they do happen to have a talent for that. For the great majority of the gamers out there, becoming professional is out of their reach, and making a living from streaming your games is a far shot.I personally knew a guy that was a software developer, that quit his job to become a professional gamer, and his stats was not better than a guy on my job that was working full time with us. Professional gaming is 50% effort and 50% talent. If you got no talent, you can't make it, just like being a famous musician. Very, very few gamers make a living by streaming. Yes, some make some money by gaming, but it will never be enough to support a family.You both should go to couple's therapy if possible and if financially within your reach. It seems that you have a child as a boyfriend, and not a 26 year old grown up. Why don't you both meet in between? Have him work part time somewhere, while the other part time making his way as a professional gamer? That way he helps with the expenses you have to some extent, and his dream of becoming a professional gamer is not crippled.Also, keep this in mind. Him claiming unemployment, is costing taxpayers, and your taxes, to finance his professional career. Even if he ever makes a few bucks through gaming, the great majority of his income would come from (tax payer funded) unemployment benefits, as well as financing straight out of your pocket. I think that is not fair for you nor the taxpayers, and also considering there are many people living on the streets who's dream is to have the same kind of benefits and opportunities your BF does.Best luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): It is very responsible to give your boyfriend a time-limit on pursuing his dream; if it yields no results in-time to pay the bills. He has no right to put you in debt for a second-mortgage or a refinance; while he tries to survive on unemployment.
Seriously?!! How unbelievably immature!!!
Yes, he is being selfish for turning-down job-opportunities. He has essentially placed all the responsibility for paying the bills in your lap; while he pursues an uncertain, if not unobtainable, vocation. Something that might take years to develop and to market. The stories of instant-wealth are outdated and back in earlier 2000's; when such business-pursuits were rare, and there wasn't so much competition.
You're being more realistic; because he can continue his dream while keeping a day-job. Or he can do shift-work; but he's got to have a Plan-B! He needs to return to college or trade-school and get a degree or certificate. He should also obtain formal-training in game development and designing. They do make decent salaries; but not people without formal training or degrees.
You should be encouraging; but remain level-headed. If he doesn't pull his weight, send him home to his parents. You shouldn't have to support a grown-man. Nor should you be foolish enough to allow anyone to talk you into refinancing and getting into mortgage-debt; when he has no job to help with mortgage payments. Unemployment in most states in the USA is only 12-26 weeks.
Stand your ground, and don't waiver! Keep that house mortgage-free; until you decide to sell or raise your own family in it. Women had better learn how far to stick their necks out for boyfriends!!! You've got a good head on your shoulders. Listen to your gut!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 August 2017):
 1. no
2. yes
3. realistic
That was the short version. Now to the meat. I do remember your last post about this and it seems like you took the advice about talking to him.
However, he doesn't seem to comprehend that SOMEONE has to work so he can live - and this someone IS him!! YOU don't OWE him to carry him while he "figures out if he can make money streaming videos" or "figure out what career he wants" What a load of horseshit!
If he wanted to try streaming videos and hopefully make money that way, it should be a "side hobby" till he gets established. Even the BIG gamers didn't work FULL time streaming till they had a platform and a small income, or they have put money aside BEFORE starting the streaming thing. Which goes hand in hand with a time line. Let's say someone saves up 5,000 which will help them live (all bills paid) for 5-10 months. So in THAT timeline, they need to make a go of it. If it doesn't take off... well, back to the grind and either save up more money for another attempt or keep working AND doing the streaming on the side. Of course many of the BIG gamers who made/make a living streaming started out while they were younger and still living at home - so the financial burden was on their parent(s).
Is he being selfish you ask? Yes, because this is ALL about him. He does seem to give a single F about you and what YOU would have to go through to enable him to do this.
Let's say you have a falling out with your tenants and they move out... what then? HOW will you pay that mortgage? Let's say his computer overheats or breaks down.. HOW will he afford a new one to stream games? How will he make a business of it.
He isn't being realistic at all and he is taking you for granted in the sense that:" OH you will just take care of the finances till he gets established bullshit".
It's a PIPEDREAM with absolutely no plan of action and quite frankly? At 31 he is a bit old to act like a teenager (no offense to all the teens out there).
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 Are you the same poster that posted about your boyfriend being mad at you for taking a settlement? Am guessing as both posts are extremely similar that you are.
All I can say to you fairly is if your boyfriend cannot afford his way and he is refusing to take a job then I would politely ask him to leave as you are not going to be carrying you both. Your last post already says that you are paying most off the bills, why when you are both working together? Are you sure he is not taking advantage here?
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