A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong for me to not be ready for sex when my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years on and off? My boyfriend keeps breaking up with me for the non-sex part and than wants to get back together with me. We had around 5 breakups. Each breakup would tear me apart inside and I decided that if we did break up again, I wouldn't go back with him unless he proposed to me.He thinks the not ready thing is just an excuse and I should be ready by now. He says he doesn't respect my decision of not having sex because it doesn't make sense but he respects me as a person. He's been waiting patiently all these years for me, and I'm worried that we're going to break up if I don't make love to him soon. He also constantly says, "She's hot!" whenever we pass a girl on our dates. It's an annoyance, but once in a while, it makes me feel not wanted and not good enough for him. He says he does love me and that he is happy with me most of the time.I'm afraid of sex and I'm not sure why. I also want to make my boyfriend happy so we don't have to break up. I want to stay with him and hopefully marry him. Some one please give me some advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I would totally dump this guy. It's your body and your decision!! Breaking up with you and disrespecting you to try to get what he wants is totally wrong!! If you give in now, (which you totally SHOULDN'T!!!!!) you are basically telling him it's okay to do whatever he wants to get his way. What is going to happen the next time you don't want to do something?? At this point, how do you know he won't break up with you even if you DO have sex with him? In my opinion, this guy doesn't really love you and it looks like you can't even trust him anymore.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): I can see both sides of this dilemma.Whilst I can totally agree with the other aunties on here that you should never have sex if you don't want to you must also consider how it's making your boyfriend feel and be sure that he understands that it's not his fault that you don't want to have sex with him.It's quite possible that he's wondering why you refuse to be intimate with him, possibly chalking it down to you not having feelings for him, that he's not 'the one' etc. Consider for a moment all your own insecurities and now apply them to him - men are not the sex crazy, macho guys we think most of the time and he might really be hurt by this.Now I don't want you to think that my advice to you is to have sex with him to make him feel better... just be sure that he understands that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with your own decisions.Maybe try to do some sexual activities that does not include penetration. That way you get to 'ease' yourself into the prospect of a sexual relationship and he gets to feel wanted. Best of luck :)
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 October 2009):
 Well, you haven't been together for 4 years, have you? You broke up 5 times. Each time over you refusing to have sex, making it pretty clear why he is with you.
You don't want to have sex, because you are unsure, well, who can blame you. You say no, he breaks it off.
Sends a pretty clear signal to me.
Also, remember that if you are now 18, then those 4 years STARTED when you were 14, an age when sex is almost always too early.
So, while for a woman in her late 20's who started dating 4 years (continues) dating might be stretching it a bit, the same does not apply in your case.
You say you are afraid of sex. Why is that? Could be more then one issue going on here and they could impact each other.
Your bf is trying to emotionally blackmail you. "If you don't play by my rules, I won't like you anymore". That ain't nice and says a lot about him. You might love him, but you got to ask yourself, what do you love.
Another thing to consider, if you give in now, then what will his demand be in the future? He would know that a treat of leaving you, makes you give in. Dangerous way to start a relationship.
My advice would be to cool of this relationship at least for a while and do some soul-searching.
Why are you with this guy (and "I love him" is NOT the correct answer)
What is it that you want out of a relationship. (To have a BF, is NOT the correct answer)
Why are you afraid of sex.
Does making my boyfriend happy means I have to do things I really don't want to do, else he will break up with me? (Yes, is NOT the correct answer)
Your fear of sex is something you got to work out. Is it a fear of sex in general OR "just" that you fear having sex with this guy who has proven not to be all that reliable?
In either case, having a guy emotionally trying to blackmail you, won't be helping you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): Id say your a little worried about having sex with him in fear that you will and then he'll break up with you.he's done it because you wont, and then comes crawling back probably in hope that you will. A guy who tells you he loves you, wouldn't break up with you coz your not ready. He will stick by you. It looks like he has for the most part, but if he was serious he wouldn't have broken up with u 5 times. So maybe try talking to him. Tell him how you feel, how he makes you feel when he breaks up with you because you wont give him sex. There is nothing wrong in not being ready. and with him breaking up with you because u wont certainly wouldn't make any one want to do it more.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet +, writes (24 October 2009):
 There is nothing wrong with not be ready. However, you said you were afraid of sex? Did you have a bad experience or something? Why are you afraid of sex?
You should explain to him you are scared and if he doesn't respect that then he doesn't respect you nomatter what he tells you. You don't owe him sex after fours years of being with him.
My advice is to seek help on your fear and see if you can get that solved. Don't give in til you are ready or you will regret it later.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (24 October 2009):
 It's not wrong. That's your instinct telling you not to get even more emotionally attached to a man that doesn't even respect you enough to be patient and understanding. Why would you want to marry someone so selfish? The fact that you keep breaking up over sex (or the lack of it) is a huge red flag.
Seriously, why should you give yourself to him if he feels it's okay to make comments about other women right in front of you? He doesn't respect you at all, and marriage is definitely not going to fix anything.
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