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Is it weird that my female friend always wants a payment for favours?

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Question - (11 September 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 14 September 2017)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Is it weird if your female friend always wants/expects payment for favours? We've been friends since high school, and she's never been the "I'll pay for you" type, unless you ask directly and you'd probably have to pay her back afterwards.

I'm not saying I have a problem per se, it's just that sometimes it feels a bit tingly. Like the time I styled my hair and she said "I could I have done it for cheaper than that", or the time I asked for a ride to the airport and she said I need to pay a weirdish amount for gas. It's like she always attaches a fee to stuff.

She's not the business oriented type, devoted to saving and starting a dream business or anything like that. As a matter of fact I wouldn't label her as a business type at all. The thing is I'm not sure if she's like that with her other friends (don't really hang with the same people).

Besides that I don't believe I have any problems with her. I actually think she's a pretty good friend. We sort of stopped talking a about maybe a year or two ago but we recently started talking a few ago again and even went to a movie together. Even tough I've always experiencing it with her it kind of like I'm noticing it for the first time.

I've bought her stuff a number of times. It's been years since we've known each other so I can't account for everything I've covered/ bought for her and everything she charges me for. But I'm usually like this with people unless I get the impression I'm taken advantage of. I wonder if I did something to make her act this way or if this is just her.

She a good friend but I just want to hear if anyone has any opinions on the topic.

Thanks

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt sounds like this could be the type of person that she is. She sounds greedy and is always out to get something. Some people like to do favors for their friends it sounds like she just doesn't and expects to be paid for everything. Maybe she grew up with not much money or it could simply be that she is just a greedy person.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2017):

Well.. if you are out with a date and you are a guy,you are expected to pay for everthing unless the date insists on going duch or sharing the spending. Frankly I would be offended if I am out with a date and she asks to pay for herself. I consider then she isn't interested in me and probably that would be the last time I see her. Why do you want her as a friend? I would probably consider her as an overall service person to contact whenever I need a service.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (12 September 2017):

It seems like she is a cheapskate, and she can't give something if she is not getting something in cash right away. There are lot of stingy people in the world, and your friend sounds like a very extreme kind of stingy.

She doesn't know the real value of your friendship, and thinks that while other persons are stupid like you for paying stuff for her, she is the smartest person in the world, and wants to charge you for every breadcrumb of human kindness she gives you.

People like that end up alone, living with cats, rich, but with no friends or family because starting a family is too expensive. I know an extreme version of that stinginess: a person that uses recycled newspaper instead of toilet paper, when she has all the money in the world for herself for regular toilet paper.

My psychologist told me about a very extreme case of stinginess, where a guy had his wife (who did all the work in the house) and kids living in the poorest house of a big city, kids without proper shoes and wearing rags. The father of the family, was the owner of a successful auto part store, and had an expensive mansion, just to meet with clients.

People like you and I, even when we are broke, know the value of friendships. We know that when we give something to a friend, we are investing in that friendship, making it work. And if someday we need a favor, or just a shoulder to rely on.

My advice: just let her be. You can't change how she sees the big picture. Perhaps one day she will realize the true value of friendship.

Best luck!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

I meant to say:

" My colleagues and I have formed a network for this very purpose.

Notice I said "colleagues!"

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

Even if people have taken advantage of her in the past; you deal with your friends as individuals, and on their own merit. Love and loyalty don't come with a price-tag attached.

It sickens me of all this cynicism, selfishness, and greed in people these days. I don't waste my time around those stone-hearted asshats. I clean house now and then of people who I determine to be users; and those who don't give, or show any signs of kindness and generosity. Not to me, to others. To anybody!

I need to see those traits among people I love. It was conditioned in me by my parents; and I practice it, because of my spiritual-faith. It's part of my value-system to care for people and be generous. I don't borrow, nor lend money. If you need it and I can help, I will help. Period!

There's a problem in our society where people feel they need to be compensated or reciprocated for every good deed and favor. Oh, it's fine to make a generous offer to someone doing something you know their help would be costly on the market, if you hired a professional. You should offer compensaton automatically. I'm not stupid!

It's good to exchange favors; or to call-in a favor now and then. We all do it. You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours. It's an unspoken understanding and connection consummated between good friends. Me and my colleagues formed a network for this very purpose. Notice I said "colleagues!" Even they get the benefit of generosity and kindness; because it's in my nature.

Yes, I do get taken advantage of. It's not because I don't know the difference. The difference is, I don't care; because the blessings are returned ten-fold when you do kindness toward others.

I will be straightforward and tell you; I don't consider her kind of people "friends." I don't ask for anything in return when you need me. I refuse payment for an act of kindness, or coming to someone's aid. Her kind are on the hustle. Always on the take, when they see someone in need of help. All they get from me are fish-eyes and cold-stares! Not one red cent! I refuse their help. If you can see this, stop calling it a favor. She's being compensated. That's a transaction. You are "hiring" her to do something for you. She doesn't see you worthy of favors; probably because she thinks you should be able to afford whatever you want. That's sad!

She doesn't know the meaning of kindness and generosity. She attaches a price-tag to everything; because she doesn't really know what a real friend is.

I'm not talking about shelling our loads of cash and not expecting repayment when someone asks for a loan; or credit. That is different; it's not really a favor. If they owe you something, it's not a favor. Favors are free, or given in-exchange for another "favor" in the future.

It's a gift if you offer it with no expectation of getting it back. I have friends who are less fortunate. Sometimes they need a little help; but they don't really ask. They won't always accept the gesture either; but if I ask them out, I let them know it's on me before we even go out. No, they don't always accept the invitation. They are the first on the scene if they find-out I'm having a problem, missing in action; or if they learn about a loss I've experienced. They are there for me. That's what you call a true friend.

If I call, they're by my side at a moment's notice. Same for me!

The woman you describe in your post is an "acquaintance;" not a friend. She places a value and price-tag behind any move she makes to your benefit. You should not ask her for favors; nor should you offer her any. If she is in need, be a good Samaritan out of the kindness of your heart. Don't label people like her a friend. They are good acquaintances; because true-friendship is priceless.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe she has learned from experience that attaching a price makes people not presume she will "just" do it.

If she is the past have had people take advantage of her, asking for money nips that in the bud. Or money is actually tight for her so she needs to not spend more than she can afford.

Or, she believes charging a friend is OK.

I would just presume this is part of WHO she is.

I don't really see the problem unless she is trying to make a $ off you. As in buying $7 movie ticket and telling you that you owe her $10. Know what I mean?

With her? I'd just pay for myself and not expect her to pick up the tab. But it also goes both ways, it means you do NOT have to pay for her either, you aren't obligated to do so, just because she is female. It you don't care about that $5 Starbucks coffee or whatnot, then just DO what feels right for you and accept that SHE keeps a score on what she is "owed".

While I'm mostly generous with friends I don't see anything "wrong" in her behavior.

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