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My boyfriend's mother suddenly seems to hate me and thinks I'm an awful influence on him. Should I stay with him or leave?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 September 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 September 2017)
A female Canada age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend who is 23 years old and I have been together for about 2 years now. At the beginning, maybe the first 3-4 months of the relationship his mother and I were very close. She would text me every single day, buy me things and call me her "second daughter".

One day, out of the blue, I texted her asking if everything was alright with her husband because he was in the hospital. She called me and told me to basically stay away from her son because we see eachother way too often and he rarely spends any time with the family. I understood and I agreed with her since he is very family oriented and we have been seeing each other quite a bit. She made it very clear she wanted him home with them every other night during the week and on Sundays. She continued to reiterate that he lives under her roof and these are her rules and if I don't like it I should find another boy to date! She told me not to say anything to my boyfriend but obviously I had to tell him because he had a right to know. He freaked out and said why isn't she talking to me about this and he told me not to worry things were not going to change. But they had, because whenever I went over the house she wouldn't say more than 5 words to me, a simple "hi how are you" and she would go upstairs to her bedroom.

So, we went along with our lives and continued the same way but also giving him his space to see his parents too. Unfortunately, it sucks because he lost a lot of his friends along the way because when he isn't with me his family demands him home. Whenever he has an opportunity to go out with them on the weekend I make my own plans with my own friends and let him go out and enjoy!

On a second occasion, she confronted me again 3 months later when her and I were in the house alone and she said she is very upset with me at how things have barely changed and that I "had a hard time listening" to what she said prior. So she reiterated herself again, saying that she wants him home now 2-3 nights in a row and she wants him home by 9:30-10:00 during the week because he has work... when before he met me he would be out until 1-2 in the morning. Then, she confronted me about how I wanted to go on a trip for my birthday and she bluntly told me "that's not going to happen." and I then asked her why she felt we shouldn't go and she said he needs to save his money. My cousin has an apartment down in Florida and the flight was merely 365 CAD round trip. I told her that and she still said no and then she started bashing me saying "can you even afford that?!" She always brings up my money as if I'm not good enough for her son, since they come from wealth and I am merely middle-class. When my boyfriend came home he asked what we were talking about and his mom stood up and said "ok! so you guys are not going away for her birthday! and she agrees with me right?" and she gave me a death look. I said well, maybe we should all discuss this.. and she cut me off and said it's not up for discussion you two are not going! So, obviously respecting her wishes we both decided not to go to refrain from upsetting her.

I started having him home by 10 on weeknights and going out with my own friends more often. So, about a week ago, we were at his mother's sister's daughter's wedding (lol) and it was just supposed to be him and his mother going since the father wasn't in the country at the time, so his mom asked me to come with them. I did, and when I went over the house, I said that she looked very nice! and she turned around and said "thanks! I know!" and when my boyfriend came down the stairs he was in shock and said to me "wow. you look absolutely beautiful" and he gave me a kiss right infront of her. His mother then grabbed him and said "What about me?!" and he obviously complimented her back. We got to the hall and everything was fine, but she made a really weird comment when the slow song came on. My boyfriend and I were getting up to dance, and she cut in between us and said "No, I'm going to dance with my husband!!" and I just sat down at the table by myself but my boyfriend kept encouraging me to come dance with them and the mother would be like "no don't ask her to come dance with us!"

She pulls me aside near the end of the night to talk to me, she was basically telling me that I'm the reason why he has a bad temper, I'm the reason why he isn't as close with them anymore, she was telling me how upset she is that he "always" pays when we go out and started bashing me asking if I was too poor to pitch in, that's when I started to cry. When I started to cry she was saying "stop playing the victim!! if anyone is the victim it's me because you are taking him away from me!" and I was trying to reassure her that isn't my intention we are just young and in love.. so she then said that I am to not see her son at all during the week because if he wakes up tired in the morning (these are her exact words by the way) "he will get into a bad car accident and will turn into a cripple! and you won't stay with him when he is like that I will!!! and the only person I would blame is you!" at that point I just got very frustrated with her saying that I don't appreciate her talking to me that way and I think we should have this discussion with my boyfriend present. right when I said that she threatened that if i told my boyfriend about this conversation she would never let me in their home again and she would make sure everyone in the family hated me.

long story short, I told my boyfriend and cried to him that night and he yelled at and embarrassed his mother in front of the whole hall. he hasn't spoken to her in a week and I feel very guilty for being the reason, but his mother needs to step back because I feel she is trying to control every aspect of our relationship and making assumptions that I'm influencing him negatively when all I want is the best for him.

My question is, do I stay with him? or do I let him and his mother be?

View related questions: cousin, her ex, money, text, wedding

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntDon't you feel bad. It is not your fault it is his mothers. She is acting like a spoiled child and she does not want to see her son grow up and having a life off his own. The only advice I can give is if you are both serious about each other then your boyfriend needs to move out off his mothers house and stand on his own to feet. He is an adult now and he is working so their is really no need to still be living at home with his parents. If you are both serious about a future together then this is really the only option you both have unless you want to keep going around in circles with his mother.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

If it's an Oedipus situation; you'll never win. She's got full-control. She will use money and guilt to wear his weak mama's boy's ass down to a nub.

You have to learn to avoid having relationships with grown-men who are ruled by over-bearing psychotic-mothers. Any signs of that is a deal-breaker. Wimps like that make terrible fathers. They need their mothers. Their dependency is frustrating.

She sounds like she's in a full hormonal-surge in the midst of menopause; and her original sweetness was all an act. She figured you were just a fling, and you'd be gone by now. He's sticking with you; and he has rebelled against her on your behalf. All hell has broken loose! He's showing signs of love towards you! That's a challenge to the hold she has over him. Women who compete with their son's girlfriends and wives are bordering on incest. The closeness crosses the line. It may not be his case; but it will come across to outsiders as just that.

Stand-up for yourself. Stop running to him like a cry-baby.

If you're under verbal-attack; stand your ground and tell her you will not tolerate her intimidation; and tell her to her face you're not afraid of her. Even if your knees are buckling and you're trembling with fear. Face-up to her.

First-off, you and your boyfriend should have your own place together. Hopefully he is not financially-dependent on his mother, or his parent's wealth. If she has full-control over his finances; you've stepped in a pile of poop. She'll cut him off, and he'll go running home to Mommy!

He's got to sever the umbilical cord; by telling her you're not going anywhere. You must talk to her respectfully as a couple. Standing side-by-side. Not send him to confront her on his own. She'll just transform into a harpy and turn him into a submissive little-boy. He'll tuck his tail between his legs and crawl away. He will not tell it as it happened.

The confrontation at the banquet hall during the wedding reception was inappropriate. Ruining his cousin's wedding day with his family-drama made him look weak. Not strong.

He needed an audience for back-up, and used humiliation as a tactic to confront her. Wrong!!! It will only turn other family-members against him; and he'll be remembered as the assh*le who ruined his cousin's wedding day! Bad move!

Back-away from his mother. Have less to do with her. If she calls to beg him to come home, or goes into bitch-mode; tell her that is exactly why she is being avoided. He has to show the balls that he'll back you up. You have to be his ride-or-die; and stand with him. Don't let other women push you around, collapsing in tears like a little-girl. Then she knows she can trample over the both of you!

If the cash-supply suddenly gets cut-off; lets see how long she can stand not seeing her baby-boy. Maybe she only needs to see her doctor for some hormonal-therapy. Who knows?

Most of this rests on your boyfriend being a man. Overbearing-mothers with Oedipus Complex issues are a curse on a relationship. It takes strength and courage to deal with them. I mean courage from both of you.

If all attempts fail, get out of that mess. He'll play her baby-boy when you're not around; and the rebellious boyfriend when she's not. Trying to play it safe in the middle. There's no compromise. He has to grow-up. So do you!

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (12 September 2017):

"My question is, do I stay with him? or do I let him and his mother be?"

OP, his mother is like both of my parents (and sister). They are rich, they never gave me attention when I was younger, yet they make my life and my girlfriend's life impossible because "she is taking their son away from them".

Read this clearly. Your BF's mother and possibly entire family is a TOXIC/ABUSIVE FAMILY. Her mother seems to be in love with his son in a very sick and twisted way, and whatever you do, YOU WON'T BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. No matter if you suddenly become rich, or if you earn a novel prize, or cure cancer, you are never going to be good enough for her. That's the way toxic and abusive people are, and there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

If your BF don't sets healthy limits with her mother and family, I'm sorry to tell you , but he is never going to grow up, and he will always be dependent of his mother, and her mother will do as she pleases and crush your self-esteem.

Now, you have two clear choices here. You stick with your BF, or you leave him.

If you decide to stay with him, he needs to shows you how much you are worth to him by putting his mother in her place and setting healthy limits. If he can't deal with his mother, then you MUST GO AWAY and find a better man.

The way I handled my controlling/toxic/abusive parents, was by leaving home. It was a big problem for me, but it allowed me to grow a lot, to become a better person, to be able to distinguish what's normal and healthy behavior and what's not. My whole family hates my GF, but they hated her before that anyways. We've been together for 10 years, and we are considering marrying in secret. The whole thing was worth it , because she is a wonderful and valuable person. If I would have left my parents control my life, I would be jobless right know, and miserable without her.

Your BF's mother is clearly a materialistic, sick, controlling and toxic person, and she will never change and will always make your life miserable, but as long as you keep your distance, things will work out well for you both, as long as your BF does what he needs to do to protect you from those persons.

I wish you best luck!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think his mother is unhappy in her own marriage so she is projecting the attention she craves from her spouse unto her son.

She knows if she made those RIDICULOUS demands to his face he would tell her no, THAT is why she went behind his back and told you. And why she told you not to tell him.

I think he is handling this pretty well honestly. He has stood up to her FOR you and for his relationship more than once. So he is not some little momma's boy.

She wants to be #1 in her son's life. While she was OK with you in the beginning (because she didn't think it was serious) but once it looked more serious she wasn't OK with you anymore. She sounds like she is miserable with her life and needs a hobby.

Honestly, TALK to your BF and find a compromise that works for the two of you without pissing off his mom too much. After all, he DOES still live at home. And as his parent, she DOES get to set the rules while he lives under her roof.

I think her behavior at the wedding was gross. Absolutely gross. And I think it was good that you stood up for yourself, though maybe the venue (someone's wedding) wasn't the best place for drama. (even if she started it.)

Also, I would not include her in your plans for weekend getaways or what not. NOT if this is how she acts.

I have to ask where is the dad in all this? Gone for work all the time?

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