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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi, so i need some objective advice in relation to my partner. Bit of background - In early 2011 I went through a marraige breakdown due to his infidelity. It crushed me obviously and my current partner, who was a friend of 10 yrs, stepped in and essentially, "picked up the peices". A relationship started and we have been together for 15 months. However, since moving in together he has changed. He is no longer the person from 15 months ago. I admit during the first 6 or so months some things have tested our relationship ie the issues i had such as insecurities, low self esteem and not trusting anyone but he knew what he was getting himself into from the start. He saw me go through a marraige breakdown so its obvious i would have issues especially with trust. You would think he would be supportive and understanding but he was not and still is not. I am still a little insecure and have trust issues but i feel its only because my partner does something that makes me feel that way. For example, at the beginning of our relationship he had messages on his phone from a lady in malaysia (he went over there for work about 2 months into our "seeing each other" we were not officially dating because i was not ready), he is secretive about some things, he smokes weed and one or two of his mates are into other drugs and i saw him carrying a bag and i said what is in that, he would not show me and told me to piss off - later he said it was his mates pipe. He is well aware i dont like drugs but i am a little lenient on the weed so maybe he hides things cause he thinks i will get angry i dunno.....he doesnt always tell me the whole truth even if it is just about small things like where he has been, i saw some emails between him and his mates about our trip to phuket he said things like "dont take your misses there its shit cause i couldnt touch the goodies etc and tried to touch her sisters boobs but i would have been smacked in the head etc" I confronted him and said it shows he has no rspect for me. He said he did say wrong things but it is guy talk and it means nothing.I am not allowed near his phones or his shed but yet he can go through my phone and i dont care as i have nothing i dont want him to see. I admit at the beginning of the relationship I did snoop as i was sceard of being hurt but i know it is no excuse. I also feel uneasy about going out with my mates. He normally gets the shits on. The other week i went to dinner must have had something bad and came home and was being sick - he left me and said i was a drunk bitch.....I feel a little trapped by him like there are two sets of rules one for him and one for me. He also twists everything around. It starts off as me talking to him about something i didnt like or that upset me and then it ends up being my fault and I cause all the problems. Unless we are having good times, he doesnt want a bar of it. If we fight or try to talk about it afterwards he is nasty and mean and says i am a miserable person, i cause the issues, i am going back to my old ways and i shouldnt be in a relationship. I feel that i am not allowed an opinion or have any feelings. When I try to talk to him he constantly changes the subject or gets distracted easily and really can't be bothered. Basically, when he is over talking or whatever that is it. I have to get over it because he just walks away and wont speak to me. Last night, after a fight, he said to me that our relationship is shit most of the time and there should only be good times. WTF. Maybe its just me but telationships have ups and downs but its about being there through all of it and working through the bad times?I know it sounds like he is a dick...but he can be good. I was left in a lot of debt when my ex husband left and he is helping me pay off the debts, he makes dinner every night, he does stuff around the house to fix it up, he takes me to dinner every few weeks etc. Is it the weed that is affecting him, is it me or him? Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): I know you said in the end that he is not a dick, but he really sounds like one to me. Sure, he helps pay off your debt, makes dinner every night, but he should also be respecting you.I think you jumped into this relationship way too soon after being separated from your ex husband. You saw him as your "knight in shining armor" who rescued you from your ex, but he obviously isn't what you expected.Now you need to decide to either stay in this difficult (at 15 months already) relationship which might be like this forever, or move on. If he's making you miserable you should break up with him, BE SINGLE for a couple years, then find someone new. Being single isn't the end of the world. It gives you time to realize the mistakes you made, grow and change as a person. Being single allows you time to work on yourself, learn about yourself and it prepares you for your next relationship. Also, I used to smoke weed every day for like two years, so believe me, it's NOT the weed that makes him mean. Mean people are just mean.
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