A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it reasonable to ask my fiance to get a paternity test of his son with his ex? We are planning our future living arrangements and it all hinges on our children. We currently live a fairly large distance apart and in order to satisfy everyone including our ex's, we plan to move somewhere in the middle. It's a long story but my daughter is school age, his son is only 18 months. His girlfriend at the time convenienly told him she was pregnant when she learned he was going to end their relationship. He looks absolutely NOTHING like my fiance and my furture mother-in-law has verbalized her doubts of the child's paternity to me. I dont want to pull my child from her current school district, nor does my ex-husband and I especially feel uncomfortable doing so to accomodate a child that may or may not be my fiance's. If it really is his son, I will gladly compromise, but I'm afraid if I don't know the truth I will always secretly hold it against this little boy and I don't want that either. I'm torn, my fiance has never verbalized whether or not he has these questions and has raised his son thus far with as much love and responsibility as good as any one I've ever seen. But the child's mother calls all the shots and I just want the truth so badly, one way or the other. Suggestions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): I just wanted to update everyone who generously gave there opinion. The discussion conveniently came up and I took the opportunity. He admitted his own doubts about the child really being his. He also verbalized fears regarding how the truth, if negative, would affect him emotionally and that he doesn't want it to ruin any of his relationships including ours. He also acknowledged that he agrees that to be fair to me, it needs to be done. We are still working through it, and no actions have actually been taken yet, but the elephant is gone and we are effectively communicating about the issue and becomming closr in the process.
Thank you SO much for all of your input. It was extremely helpful in seeing BOTH sides and figuring out how to handle it delicately.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): You could always ask your future mother-in-law to help you because she obviously shares your concerns and i think he would consider her worries to be more for 'his benefit' rather than think that you are asking for a paternity for 'your relationship benefit' if you get me? He could take her concerns more seriously if it came from her and I really don't mean that offensively. I think that mothers can advise and talk to their children that will make them listen in a way that only mother can. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): I think you need to lay it out on the table. Tell him you need to talk to him and tell him (more or less) what you told us. If you explain your reasons then maybe he will be able to see it from your point of view, and if you emphasise that it of course impacts of your life and not only his then perhaps he will be a bit more sympathetic. He might say no; then you will have to leave it I guess. But just set out your main arguments and put them forth in a non-emotional, straightforward manner. I don't think there's an easy way to go about doing it I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): Thanks to everyone who has responded. I just thought I should clarify a few things. First, I WAS NOT involved before during or immediatly following my fiance's ex's pregnancy. I met him 7 months ago, and we just clicked perfectly and yes things have progressed very rapidly because we "get" each other unlike anyone we've ever been with. Second, they had an on again off again relationship for 10 years prior. I am not sure of the status of the relationship at the time she would have conceived to be honest, but once she told him, he took responsibility and tried to make it work during the pregnancy and for 7-8 months after he was born - so no he did not LEAVE her b/c she was pregnant, nor has he shirked his responsibility. Lastly, I realize he has already bonded with this child and never said I would tear them apart. I just have this need to know the truth and feel I'm entitled to know if I'm going to be involved raising him. Any further answers would be greatly appreciated as I'm still on the fence on HOW to make the request. Thanks Again!
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A
female
reader, maxxie +, writes (22 July 2010):
 this seems like a guy that leaves pregnant women alone. seriously she "knew they were going to end it"? then why was he sleeping with her if he didnt love her? he is not trustworthy. a woman earns the right to being a mother with 9 months of pregnancy and labor pain, losing her independance and a man earns the right to be a dad by being with the woman, loving her, supporting her and taking care of the family. if the relationship was damaged, it was their responsibility to work it out... not get a new girlfriend!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 Do you have other reasons, beside his looks, to doubt about this child 's paternity ?
Because if this is the only reason, it is very very flimsy. People inherit their genes,and their physical traits, from two parents,four grandparents,eight great-grandparents etc.etc. and the variety of "combinations " defies calculation.
My sister has two daughters, there was never any doubt about their paternity. One is tall, with dark hair and eyes- the other is blonde,grey eyes, short . The brunette does not look anything like his father , and the blonde one does not look anything like EITHER parent. Maybe they look like family members of 4, 5 generations ago- go figure.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): If you have ANY doubt, then get the test.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (22 July 2010):
It sounds like you have it all figured out! i get what you are saying how long has this been going on how old is the child and how long have you 2 been together? is he the kind of man you can feel comfortable approaching w/ maybe it's not his child? or she is the type of woman that would do something like that? is she still inlove w/ him? i know you are giving up alot and to pack up and move thats a serious thing. i would want all the answers myself if i had some uncertainty! and there is nothing wrong with wanting answers! it is a touchy thing all tho becareful the way you approach it.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): "Sweet-thing", So how do I ask him to do this? He doesn't know of my concerns, but we've been arguing a lot lately about the move. I'm worried he'll think I'm trying to get rid of his son. He adores him. I just have a hard time justifying uprooting my daughter for a child that belongs to neither one of us. If we were to find out that it is not his son, but he still wanted to be the boys father then we're talking a different ball game.....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 July 2010):
 I absolutely think it's a smart thing to do. Asking him to take a paternity test. He will be paying for 18-21 years if he IS the father, he shouldn't pay if he isn't.
I was in a situation similar to yours. My husband's ex GF claimed her youngest was his, once she found out he was getting engaged to me. He had left her 8 months before the baby was born, so the possibility was there. Except the child had no traits what so ever from my husband. She tried to blackmail him into not doing the test, but in the end.. she HAD to ( we took her to court). The baby was NOT his.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 I think you should ask for the paternity test. It's reasonable and smart. Hopefully your b/f will agree. But it may take a court order to get his ex to cooperate. Good luck.
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