A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:I am starting to date this guy who lives in the city about 45 minutes (without traffic) from my house (I live in the suburbs). The first two times he came up to see me, once for coffee and the next time for dinner (it was his own suggestion for him to come my way and I liked that). We got along very well and we are continuing to go out. Now my problem is that this time he has asked me to go down and see him in the city one night this week, this is the third time we are meeting up. My question is is it reasonable to ask him to come to see me every time? I don't know if I would be willing to drive down to the city and back in the dark (I dislike driving in the dark) all by myself. I'm just not a comfortable night driver and I don't want to spend the night at his place and give him the wrong idea. I think he is a really nice guy though and I don't want to stop dating him because of distance, but I am afraid that if I ask him to drive the 45min (without traffic) every time to see me he will lose interest because he also has a very busy work schedule. What's a reasonable solution, what should I say to him? To drive or not to drive? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 July 2013):
 Just be honest and tell him you aren't comfortable driving and night and you aren't ready for a sleepover. So make the date for a Saturday afternoon instead?
But in all honesty - I think taking turns being the one going to see each other is only fair.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 July 2013):
Uhhhh, the truth?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2013):
 Tell him the truth. that you are not ready to spend the night and you are not secure with your night driving.
I get your feelings. I hate driving in the dark in places I do not know.
Now my personal story (because when do I not have a personal story to relate...)
when my now husband and I started dating we lived 2 hours apart and in the beginning it made way more sense for me to drive to him for various reasons. the first visit I insisted on coming up early than he wanted so I could drive in the daylight. (glad i did)
subsequent visits involved my staying later due to wanting to avoid driving home with the sunlight in my face.
He was happy to comply with my needs as a compromise for my coming to see him.
I am sure that if you two continue dating and get serious (and you can spend the night) that you will do your fair share of driving later on.
Other options: is there a train?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 July 2013):
 I'd say safety first. If you are not a comfortable night drivr- then you just are not. Maybe your eyesight is poor, maybe it's just nerves or a phobia , anyway driving at night puts you in a state of wariness and anxiety which makes you a not totally safe, competent driver- for yourself and for others.
It seems a valid reason to me, and one you can surely explain to him, it's not as if you don't want to drive because you are lazy or you don't want to put extra mileage on your car .
What he will decide to do... it's up to him. Personally, I think that a guy who is interested would not worry about being the one to drive 45 minutes or so - after all, a 45 minutes commute would the norm, not the exception, for millions of people living and dating in big cities, and as far as I know, people in Los Angeles, or London or Mumbai etc. do manage to meet date and mate even if they can't get the boy next door. And since there is an actual reason for inconveniencing him, I don't think it is so terribly much to ask. Of course, if he feels that you are not worth the trouble... well, maybe he is not worth YOUR trouble after all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): Maybe tell him you don't like driving at night - it makes you nervous, and suggest a daytime date instead where you go to him? That, or go for it and drive at night. I used to hate driving at night because my vision isn't great, but I did it a few times and I'm used to it now. It doesn't bother me anymore. I don't think it's fair to always expect him to come to you, maybe as your relationship progresses though you will be able to stay the night at his. If he's an understanding guy he'll be ok with it and anyway, daytime dates are fun!!
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