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Is it possible my husband does NOT understand respect?

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Question - (30 December 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 31 December 2014)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been with my husband 4 years. He is extremely outgoing and friendly with everyone. There are times when he has no idea what boundaries or respect are. Three examples: 1)he has put one of my intoxicated friends in bed with me but climbs in, in the middle 2)has gone to bar and invited me, I declined I find out later his guy friend left and one of his "girl" friends showed up. Then got home at 2:30am when I get up at 5am and didn't understand why I was mad because "he invited me to go". 3) one afternoon I was making lunch and my friend wandered into our bedroom where they giggled laughing at our dogs taking pictures and he took a picture laying with her in MY BED then posted on facebook. Same response..."I don't understand what the big deal is". Is it possible he just doesn't know what respect is? These are my friends so I am not jealous but some things need to be off limits like MY BED. We have gone to counseling but never continue due to his work schedule. After I expressed displeasure for the picts on fbook he took them down but didn't understand what was wrong. How do I make him understand respect? When I try to talk to him he acts clueless. A new incident seems to arise each month (never repeating incident with the issue). Please help me. I have tried counseling and explanation all with the same clueless answers.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 December 2014):

Honeypie agony auntHe sounds utterly immature.

And I have to agree with WiseOwlE - YOU must have know what kind of personality he has BEFORE saying I do, OR, did you think MARRIAGE would totally change him?

You two sounds slightly incompatible. He has a "laissez faire" attitude and you have more "structured/morally guided" attitude.

I don't think he does these things to upset you, HE just doesn't SEEM to THINK before he acts. Sort of impulsive and immature?

Counseling isn't going to change WHO he is, and I'm sorry, but THIS is who he is.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (31 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntDoes you husband have any disabilities such as learning disabilities, or ADHD or OCD?

My ADHD makes it VERY hard for me to extrapolate behavior out from ONE type of (similar) event to another. If you say "do not put the cup on the blue mat" I may still put it on the red mat because you said BLUE... not realizing that you mean ALL the mats... it's not that I have no respect or values it's that i can't apply one thing to SIMILAR things.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 December 2014):

You and your husband have a different set of values. He's liberal where you're more conservative. He doesn't seem to consider any boundaries where it pertains or relates to your marriage. He definitely doesn't respect you. You're correct about that. I can't really say he just has a playful adolescent-spirit. Not if he doesn't acknowledge your concerns about his inappropriate behavior.

It appears he is very dismissive in his attitude. If it's okay with him, it's okay. What I find hard to understand is, how you married this man, and not know what kind of a man he is? If he's over 40, he didn't suddenly change over the course of four years. He was pretty set in his ways.

If you're noticing there's a new incident or another that seems to be progressively hurtful? He's purposely creating ways to break your spirit in order to make you more submissive to his will. You'll give-up in frustration.

Like you've down up to this point. Throwing up your hands.

When you date a person for an extended period of time, you learn a great deal about them. You carefully evaluate your compatibility starting from the first date forward. You don't commit to a long-term relationship; unless everything about that person meets your standards and expectations. I think he is the same now, as he has always been. Did you think he'd change once you married him?

I must be frank. You did marry in your forties. So perhaps your priority was to settle-down, and find a husband as soon as possible. Thereby bypassing a plethora of red-flags about his personality! Now it is all coming to light! You're well-past the honeymoon phase.

He understands respect. He just doesn't respect certain boundaries. Boundaries that don't allow him to flirt, or doing things that distress you. When you address an issue, he turns things around to make you feel foolish. He has a passive-aggressive reaction to your more confrontational or direct approach. Can't you see? He plays with your head!

You're discovering things about him you should have known before you married him. Counseling doesn't change people, it coaches and mediates couples through the turmoil in their relationships. He's too busy to work on his marriage?

His work schedule gets in the way? Sounds pretty convenient to me. He can rearrange his work schedule, or schedule counseling around his work hours. If it really matters.

He still thinks he's a bachelor!

Sounds like you're the only one putting forth the effort.

Find yourself a good divorce attorney.

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