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I've lost my confidence. How do I become the man I want to be?

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Question - (30 December 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 31 December 2014)
A male India age 22-25, anonymous writes:

hey guys i am 18 and i really need help! I am really shy person. I dont have confidence. I don't know what to talk to people especially girls and if i make friends i don't know how to maintain friendship what to talk after sometime. How can i turn myself into fun loving guy. I wanna be happy in my life. Nowadays I have lost my confidence how to regain it back. In college i don't talk much to people and i became friends with a girl but don't know what to talk and how to maintain friendship. One guy said my voice is little girlish how to change my voice and shall i read books to change my thinking and become smart? I wanna be smart guy. Pls help me

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ya but now I had gone for my friends birthday (girl) to a club and since after her birthday we haven't talked and she didn't even reply properly toy messages and many times when I am talking people talk over me why is it always like that

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (30 December 2014):

I think that, reading your post, you’re already smarter than you give yourself credit for being. I would say that many guys your age are shy, and possibly feel awkward around the opposite sex. The trick is to think of people as people, rather than as boys or girls. This is the best way to form friendships in the first place if you need to overcome a particular fear of talking to girls. The funny thing about confidence is that, actually, what we seek to do a lot of the time, is appear confident even if we’re not. You then gradually gain genuine confidence when you get a positive response from people.

You’re at college at the moment, focus your efforts on working hard on your studies as this will be important for your future, and remember to be proud of yourself for that. Hard work is something people really admire. When you want to talk to some-one, if you know them already, it’s easy to say hello. Remember if you don’t know what to say, get them to talk about themselves. Ask them how they are, ask them what they did at the weekend, etc. Give them queues to tell you what they’d like to talk about. This way you’re not always the one thinking what to say. The Conversations aren’t always easy, sometimes if you don’t have enough in common and have any response it’s best to keep it brief. You’re not going to form a lasting friendship with everyone you chat to, but you will eventually, using that simple technique, find people who peak your interest. If you don’t know some-one, find an excuse to introduce yourself. The fact that you’re doing a class together, working on a project together, or whatever, is a good enough reason for it not to seem out of place to walk over, say hello and introduce yourself. If you think you’re getting on with some-one, suggest you do something together: if it’s college, perhaps you could work on your assignments together, or perhaps you could just have a coffee. Make some gesture to indicate an interest in spending more time with that person. If you get a good response, you’ve put down pretty good foundations to follow up on. If you don’t, do not lose heart but keep trying. I know that’s a glib answer but friendships and relationships, although they are very different, do both come with the need to take a risk, make some initial effort, and possibly get rejected. It’s all practice, and I really do doubt you’re really any worse at this than the more confident-looking people you see around you.

Lastly, as for this guy who insulted your voice, some people are just unpleasant. I really can say nothing other than don’t listen to them. If it cheers you up I’m always being told I sound like a girl too, I’m a 25 year-old male. I laugh about it as do my friends. My point is that, if that’s the worst thing a bully can say about you, you’re a pretty good guy.

So what about reading books? Well there are some good ones, and everyone should be open to learning more about themselves, so maybe you could do that eventually. However they are not going to immediately solve your problems and might seem overwhelming when you’re so lacking in confidence at the moment, so I’d say take the small steps I’ve given you for now. Practice those and you’ll get so much more out of books on changing your thinking and mindset.

I wish you all the very best.

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