A
female
age
36-40,
*a petite belle
writes:We are both 30, in the good days, we had an amazing relationship, we had a TONNNNN of things in common, we agreed on a lot of things, we traveled many times and we were a team, when things were good, they were amazing... rarely things that we disagreed on but the issues that he created popped up time after time.At the beginning of the relationship I was so in love with him, he was like a god to me, he could walk on water, I would go above and beyond for him, I was the perfect doormat. I am easy on the eye, I am currently in grad school and I used to work for a multi national corporation, I used to meal prep for him, I met his family and they all love me, he cheated many times but only had proof of 3, I took him back and tried to work things out. I genuinely loved this guy, I wanted to marry him despite all his shortcomings. Truly would've given my life for him.This last time we got back, I felt my feelings changed but a part of me had hopes that he had grown up and I also saw improvement in some areas, he did make an effort to spend more time with me, to consider me before making plans, to include me with his guys friends, to talk when we had issues (but the isssues always remained, so not sure how much "talking" worked without the actual fix of these very issues. (we broke up for 6 months, I traveled a lot and everyone told me he was depressed and wouldn't stop talking about what an idiot he was). I knew that this would be the very very last chance that if he did something disrespectful again, it would be over for good.2 months ago, he got so drunk (this was another fight we always had) and I tried to drink with him but eventually told him I wanted to go home and be alone with him, he wanted to keep drinking, we got in an argument, I asked him to drop me home, we got in a bigger fight, he dropped me home, I was drunk, pretended to get in my car and drive off, he tried to stop me and asked me if I was gonna go see another guy, I told him "no" cause I didn't, never cheated eventually he let me drive off, he went to two other parties, he got drunk and at some point between 4 am and 5 am texted his ex (whom he had cheated on at the beg of the relationship) and ended up having breakfast at her place. I actually do believe he didn't do anything else but have breakfast but the action of going to the ex's whom he had disrespected me with was the last straw.When he told me what had happened I broke up with him. TO me, the fact that I had forgiven him after this last time at the way he cheated, it should've been enough fo rhim to think "I will never DO ANYTHING TO JEOPARDIZE my relationship"...Anywyas, I go through days where I miss him like hell, our relationship was good during the good times but the bad times were awful mostly because of 2 issues, broken trust (which I was finally starting to get around), his drinking habits and I was growing soooo desperate because it felt like we were stuck, I needed him to become vulnerable with me, to share deep intimacy, to give himself ina deeper level... I felt so stuck... we were moving in together a few weeks after I broke up with him...I don't want to call him, I am not going to call him, I have blocked him, initially he wenr to my house several times to try to talk to me but I asked my roomates to lie and say that I wasn't home.. I don't regret this decision but I miss him so much... I have hopes that in the future we can be together but in the meanwhile this is killing me... I also invited an old flame for the weekend, because I wanted to feel desired, I wanted to feel pretty, attractive... I posted a picture and I am almost certain this got to him... I don't regret having my NY old flame visiting me... but part of me wishes that all of this wasn't happening and that my ex would've valued the chances I gave him :( and funny thing, as I came here, I noticed how many times, I came here and asked for help about his ex popping up multiple times throughout our relationship... which now is hurting me and making me mad at how stupid and gullible I must have been to put up with this crap.I don't want to hurt him (if he even cared at all about me)... I just miss him so so so so much....and now I'm feeling sad :'( is this normal
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2018):
 It's easy to look back and only see the good in this guy (or any person) but it won't help you heal.
HE is 100% responsible for how he acted, how he treated you and what he DID. But you are responsible for setting boundaries and having a standard (and then sticking to it).
If you are always the one bending over backward or bending in the wind to make things work, does it really work? For you? Everyone has a breaking point. You had yours.
All you can really do now is look FORWARD. Learn from this relationship on what NOT to do next time. And remember if you can find ONE man with SOME decent qualities you can find another, and you will also know that to AVOID when it comes to a partner.
Life is too short to waste on people who don't appreciate you.
A
female
reader, la petite belle +, writes (15 June 2018):
la petite belle is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your response. YOu are 150% right... sometimes, it is hard but I do feel that there were many issues as to why I allowed him to treat me the way he did...it's all on me now to be strong and weather the storm...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 June 2018):
Of course you miss him. Even if the relationship was toxic and dysfunctional you GOT something out of it.
The things is, when someone keep disregarding his/her own standards in order to STAY in a relationship with someone at some point they DO realize (like you did) that this isn't good FOR you. ALLOWING a partner to continue to date you after cheating on you, not only ONCE but SEVERAL times that you KNOW of and perhaps even more that you don't. All it creates is an environment where HE doesn't respect you or the relationship because YOU don't respect yourself. And really, you don't. When you KEEP forgiving him for cheating you are basically saying, you can DO whatever and I will forgive because I am desperate to cram this square peg into the round hole.
YOU didn't MAKE him cheat on you. You just make it EASY for him to do. Understand?
Giving a person many many chances is NOT you being a "good GF" - it's you NOT respecting yourself enough to say - I WILL NOT allow to be treated like this".
You dated a fixer upper - or so you thought. You thought he had ALL this potential for being a GREAT BF, maybe even husband and father so I'll stick it out with him and let him walk all over me because IN the end he will realize JUST how AMAZING a person and partner I am.
Correct?
The thing is... That is not how it works.
Actions and inaction have consequences.
You sound a little "addicted" to this guy. And part of that "addiction" was the fact that YOU thought you had a DIAMOND in the rough, and when you saw it was only CUBIC zirconia - you "forgave" him for that and figures if I just love him enough, if I become the "bestest" GF, if I ignore all the warning bells... eventually HE will turn into a diamond.
Cheating on you should be a NO NO. You said it yourself that YOU would never do it to a partner, so why is it OK for him to do it?
You did expect him to THINK like you. To FEEL like you - and he doesn't. You thought you could change him, which is unrealistic.
KEEP the no contact going.
Accept that he was a shitty partner (in the MOST important areas - like being trustworthy and monogamous) and ACCEPT that he isn't GOING to be the MAN you WANT him to be. That you think maybe perhaps he could be.
Accept that you REALLY did like him, that he had qualities you DID like. But in the long run they do not outweigh the BAD qualities.
Accept that when you CAN NOT trust a partner, there is no future. You have no solid foundation. LOVE doesn't fix shit. A turd with glitter is still a turd.
Then work through yourself. I think you NEED to take some responsibility for how things have gone. NOT saying that you MADE him a cheater you didn't, as stated before. But you did "forgive" him MULTIPLE time for pissing on you and your relationship.
Figure out WHY you ALLOWED this behavior to happen over and over.
Figure out why you CHOSE to ignore the red flags. The drinking and whoring around he did.
And DO take your happy ass down to the clinic or doctor's office and have a STD/STI panel done. Because you have NO idea just how many women he slept with and what kind of crap he MIGHT have bought home to you. Do the full work up.
Take a good 3-6 months off dating while you work on yourself, your emotional baggage from this man (because you don't want to drag that into the next relationship) and spend time with POSITIVE people, improve yourself, cut down on the drinking, you CAN go out and have a fun night without getting snookered.
Life is too short to keep getting on the same ride when you know the ride makes you sick and hurt.
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