A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I've been dealing with a tough time trying to discover who I am. I was born to a wealthy family, since childhood, my parents were very strict raising me to be a very well behaved person, and they really care about their public image and reputation. I've never done anything reckless in my life, and never slept around or even liked the idea of the hookup culture, partying, and getting drunk. Now I'm 25, doing very well in my career, and have only been in 1 relationship but broke up with him as he cheated on me once I told him that I'll move to another city to pursue my master's degree. The relationship left me heartbroken, and it took me time to heal... Now I've been single for 2 years, only went to a few dates but we never get in touch again after the first few dates as I don't feel any chemistry. Last year, I met this man that seems too good to be true, we have been casually dating for 5 months now, and it has been going great. I don't see a single flaw about him, and I am very scared that I've reached a point where I'm desperate to be with someone and make up this perfect image of a man just to ignore the red flags and end up disappointed again. I know that he speaks to another women, which makes me jealous sometimes, but since we are only dating, I have no right to tell him not to talk to other women too. I have also started to let my guard down, I wasn't that kind of person that would make out during the first dates, but with this man, I tell myself "screw it, he likes you and we'll eventually be in a relationship since it's been going well for months" although deep down I know that it's possible that we might end up together, but kissing him makes me feel alive and empowered. However, as I am not around him, I start thinking to myself that since he talks to other women, why shouldn't I talk to other men too? Or " you might be disappointed anyways, so just date other men too".I have also started sexting other men because I feel like whoever I date will always have more sexual experience than me. My current date had fuck buddies and other serious relationships, while I only had sex with my last boyfriend, I felt like I'm way far behind and inexperienced, and that he idea of a woman being sweet and hard to get doesn't make sense to me anymore as there is always a chance to be cheated on no matter how loyal and good the person is. The idea of being a good "girlfriend material" had disappeared as I only started to believe that no one will ever appreciate me being a person without a wild past of having a lot of sexual relations or partners. It's not about religion as I'm not a religious person, but that's what my parents told me "to keep my legs closed until the right person comes" or "men like a classy women that cares for her public image" and I'm not sure if this is the case at this point. Everytime I sext or kiss the man I'm dating I feel a sense of guilt for the person I've become but also carelessness because I know that no one gives a shit and that real love doesn't exist anymore. I have ADHD which makes things worse sometimes (but I do receive therapy) however, no matter what my therapist tells me, I still can't figure out who I am anymore. Sometimes I reach a point where I imagine myself being this wild and overly sexual active woman who sleeps around, as this idea has been recently making me feel confident and empowered in front of men. What could be the reason behind all of this? Is it a normal part of our life to have this shift, and is it really guilt, or it's just something new to me that I only need to get accustomed to?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2022): Empowerment is not a virtue. It's just power, not good or bad.
A bully feels empowered when he beats up weaker people. A bank robber feels empowered when he sticks a gun in people's faces and threatens them.
A good cop who stops a dangerous criminal feels empowered. A bad cop who abuses an innocent person feels empowered.
You are discovering that your sexuality gives you power. Now it's your job to wield that power in a responsible way. What is in everyone's best interests in the long run?
Casually sleeping around at your age is very normal. Regretting it or dealing with bad consequences later is normal too. Don't confuse normal with harmless.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2022): Hey there. I think Honeypie's post is really good and has a lot more than anything I can say. I will admit I am 14m and a virgin and have not a lot of life experience so far but I do have a girlfriend that I worship and we are waiting on sex because she feels strongly that is the moral thing to do so I am going to wait and be patient because she is worth it and I respect her. It drives me crazy sometimes (every day LOL) but I have no regrets and she is definitely the girl I want to marry someday. People say I am foolish to think we will stay together that long and maybe they are right. There are specific girls I know that if I said I wanted to have sex I could be with them and they would do it with me, but I don't even want that because I love my girl and her being happy and proud of me means so much. I am just saying you can be happy and not go all the way. Not all guys are the same and love does exist. Don't settle for a bad dude who does not respect you. That is my advice.
Your friend, Calvin (alias)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 June 2022):
 I know a LOT of young women (of any generation really) have been taught that men want "this or men want that" kind of woman. BUT what is really important is WHAT kind of woman do YOU want to be?
Having many sexual partners does NOT (let me repeat that) does NOT make you a better partner or lover. It ONLY really makes the chance of STIs, unwanted pregnancies, and high-risk behaviors MUCH higher. IN my opinion.
I don't think you are "empowered" by (pardon my English) fucking around. I don't think guys who fuck around are better quality men either. So it's not that women can't do or anything like that. For me, the notion of casual sex is somewhat "abominable" because I think it cheapens what sex CAN be. Two people who REALLY know each other, who want to be better for themselves AND their partner/spouse, they know the partner's likes and dislikes in bed, places that drive them nuts, and vice versa. It's about PLEASING and ENJOYING each other, not just "nut up" and move on to the next hole.
"Everytime I sext or kiss the man I'm dating I feel a sense of guilt for the person I've become but also carelessness because I know that no one gives a shit and that real love doesn't exist anymore."
Love DOES exist. But not in your casual flings. Those are about sex.
THEY don't care about you. They don't care if you didn't really enjoy the encounter. They don't CARE if you get, and STI, if you don't make it home safe after the encounter. You are JUST a walking vagina, someone willing to spread her legs.
Women SO often complain about men not giving a flying Phuck about women they date or have sex with. So what do many women do? They act like you. Like the men who didn't care.
Having a LOT of casual random sex and sexual partners is NOT going to fill that void you have within you.
"I imagine myself being this wild and overly sexual active woman who sleeps around, as this idea has been recently making me feel confident and empowered in front of men."
Do you not think you can be confident and empowered WITHOUT selling yourself short?
It's a FANTASY. You are the "STAR" - or perhaps "pornstar" of your own fantasy. Reality is that guys who want casual sex don't GIVE a single SHIT about your confidence or empowerment. THEY just want a warm hole.
I'm not saying you should feel SHAME for discovering that you ARE a sexual being. That you WANT to have sex. THAT you want you to feel wanted, sexy, empowered.
What I AM saying is there are better ways to go about it than risking your health and your life.
You are 25. Most people don't know who they are at 25. They usually have a good idea. But people grow, and people change a little here and there. Anyone's personality is not SET in stone.
"The idea of being a good "girlfriend material" had disappeared as I only started to believe that no one will ever appreciate me being a person without a wild past of having a lot of sexual relations or partners."
I think you got that backward. Men want SEX with the wild girls who will fuck anything with a pulse and a tinder account but they DO NOT want one of "those" as a serious GF or potential wife. And IF they do, what is the FIRST thing they try and do? TELL the new GF that they want her to change. To BE that girl they can bring home.
I don't think women have the be "sweet and hard to get" to be desirable.
I DO think that a GOOD guy, a husband-material kind of guy wants a woman who isn't solely focussed on being some kind of sex kitten.
In short? Don't sell yourself short. You are NOT going to "find yourself" while screwing guys who don't care about you. And FIND your worth. Your worth is not your vagina or how many men you can get to "park" up in there.
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