A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee and I recently did our first pre-marriage counselling session. As a part of it, we did a test, in seperate rooms, that is sent off and then sent back and we see what our areas of strength are and what areas we can work on. One of the questions really made me think. It asked if your partner is controlling. He isn't. It made me think about what his answer would be. Since we've been living together, there has only been one night that we havn't slept in the same bed. He wanted to go to so-and-so's house, but I had to work the next day. I was very upset that he was leaving me by myself, but he went anyway. I don't really know why I was so upset. This happened a couple months ago, but I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm worried I'll be a controlling wife. At the time that this happened, he said, "So if we were to get married, I would never be allowed to go out for the night?" I don't really know how I feel about this question. I don't think that there are many good reasons to spend the night away from your husband/wife. Business, yeah, I can see that. I guess this is a two part question. 1.) How can I stop myself from feeling so personally attacked when he doesn't want to spend time with me? That one example I gave, when it happened, I felt awful. I felt like he was going and leaving me on purpose because he'd rather be with his friends than with me. and 2.) Is it normal for husbands/wives to spend the night apart? It's not something I'm comfortable with. I just want some ideas so him and I can have a chance to talk this out now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): If you're husband to be is still young he may still feel it is important to go out with his friends and relax a bit - including drinking and staying out. My issue is that I'm getting an inkling that he may not be quite ready to settle down in the way you want to. Being married is not about control its about respect and he is already questioning your feelings. I'm not sure how far down the line you are but it may be best to hold out a little longer to get married? Give yourselves time? Things can change dramatically in your 20's as you grow to know yourself more and more. What is the rush?
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (21 September 2007):
Im only 18, so I have no experience in marriage myself, but ive seen my parents marriage last for many many years. they got married when they were 18 and are now in there late 40's...so i think i have something good to talk about :)
my parents never spend the night apart, besides for when dad goes away for work.
is this healhty/right or not? i dont know. buts its how ive been brought up and i understand how you feel.
personaly i think that its ok for your husband to spend time with his mates without you and go out with them at night, but as long as he comes home at the end of the night, to the bed you two share, then all is ok.
perhaps you should talk about this in counselling? im sure they would be able to help alot more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): The only time I spent a night away from my wife, other than for work reasons, was when I spent it with the woman I was having an affair with, and that took a fair bit of planning so as not to raise my wifes' suspicions. The last time this happened was 26 years ago and has not happened since. BTW - we ended up divorced soon after, which will come as no surprise to anyone.I would question why he feels the need to spend a night away from you. It sounds to me like he's leaving the door slightly ajar, so to speak.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 i understand your frustration, you love this man and can't bare to be apart for one minute but, he married you, not his friends. what's one night here and there when you have got your lifetime together? you know where he is, so it's not like he's going behind your back and although its not classed as normal to go and stay away from your wife, i don't think you should feel its an attack against you because he asked you to go with him. you couldn't so he didn't change his plans. he's probably just stubborn and didn't mean to hurt you.you should talk to him but don't throw accusations of him rather spending time with his friends because that's not true, he's married to you but he has to his life aswel, i'm sure you see your friends.good luck.
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