A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend lost his virginity to me, however ive slept with men prior to our relationship. he knows about the men ive slept with, just that it makes him feel uneasy. he told me he has tried to block that out of his mind. does this pose a problem for our relationship that he hasnt accepted the fact ive had sex with people before him? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 I agree with the last two answers: this can (sometimes) be something that is very difficult for a guy to shake off. Certainly there are plenty of men that it wouldn't bother, but equally there are plenty that it would.
Unfortunately there's really no simple way round it. He has to come to terms with it and with himself. He has to see your past not as a 'threat', and especially he has to learn to not to make you feel bad about it.
The best you can do is probably just to be supportive, and especially to remind him that you find him attractive and that you enjoy sex with him. If he feels you have something 'special' then it should help him feel confident with you, and not dwell on your previous partners.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Wow, the anon male sounds like I could have written that. He is so right, but I would like to add some thoughts. Perhaps he is correct that we males have been hard-wired with it, but in my case I believe that it was mainly my upbringing as a youth and even in my 20s. I was taught for many years that a woman who had sex with more than one man was unworthy and bad – basically a slut to use a not so kind word, but these women were not talked about kindly by my mother and her sisters. Even though I know this was wrong, I still had problems thinking otherwise with my new girlfriend after my divorce. She had 10 sexual partners after her divorce and before meeting me and I had a very difficult time accepting this. I had only had my first wife as a partner. I kept the thoughts mostly hidden for the next 28 years until they re-emerged a few months ago. We have worked through them, along with a great amount of help from 2 special women on this forum.
These feelings of mine have made things difficult for my wife and me at times throughout our 29 year relationship, but these times have been few and short and we both feel that it was very worth it for us to work them out. The reoccurrence a few months ago was the only time the thoughts lasted for more than a day or so. Take a look at my 2 articles on this if you want. They aren’t exactly applicable, as they are my experiences with a divorced woman and her thoughts after leaving a husband that demeaned her and cheated on her.
Will this be a problem for your relationship? Probably, but to what extent you cannot know. You will have to decide if your relationship is worth any potential problems and he will have to work to accept your past and not condemn you for it. He will likely not forget and be perfectly fine with it though. There was this question and discussion last month. Take a look at eyeswideopen’s options and my discussion of those options and the 4th one that I mentioned.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girl-slept-with-someone-else-while-we.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): I disagree that this is a minor issue to be worked through.
It's a normal male feeling to be very frustrated at your female partner having had other sexual partners. It's not about being fair or about fragile egos, it's mostly just stupid evolutionary biology. As men, we've just been hard-wired with it against our wills.
Some guys are bothered more than others. Some care a lot, some don't care at all. I would say most guys care a moderate amount and just try to put it aside. (But that's not the same thing as saying it stops bothering them. Ever.)
If this guy is bothered now, then I can virtually guarantee you he'll never shake this hurt for the rest of his life. That's the fun of being born male.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Be his mentor to some degree - but do not treat him as if a clumsy dunce. Many women have had the joy of introducing and teaching their lovers, younger or older, the joys of sexuality. Unless he is a jerk or egomaniac, he should and likely will appreciate your guidance in matters of making love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): I agree with LJ001, he will probably feel more comfortable about it once he has practiced with you and has more confidence in his abilities, like LJ001 said, reassure him that its him that you want and also give him lots of compliments to boost his confidence, don't lie though as this could cause problems. If his technique isn't great, compliment his body or how much he turns you on. Confidence in his ability will not only improve his abilities but help him to accept your sexual history too. xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Maybe at the beginning of your relationship it may make him feel a bit uneasy, but it will get easier with time honey. Everything does. Just reassure him it's him that you want, and any men in the past do not matter now. Good luck with everything :]
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