New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login226702 questions, 986004 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My girl slept with someone else while we were on a 'break' and I cant get over it

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 February 2008) 16 Answers - (Newest, 25 July 2011)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Heres the deal, my girlfriend of 4yrs and I had a break that lasted a month during the summer, during which we saw other people. When we got back together, I asked her if she had slept with anyone, to which she replied no.Recently she told me that she lied about it and that she had slept with someone else. I could have slept with several girls during the break but i didnt. The thing about it is, that she was the only girl i had ever slept with,and i was the only guy she had ever slept with, now thats not so,and she lied about it. I just dont know what I should do about it. any advice will be appreciated

View related questions: a break, got back together

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A male reader, fastball1007 United States +, writes (25 July 2011):

I am in the same situation. Me n my gf started dating in high shcool and dated two years and than broke up when i went off to college. This was because of something i did to her which i shouldnt have.I kissed another girl. It was the worst mistake of my life. So i went through hating myself for 9 months at school. When i came back home for summer, she texted me and wanted to hang out with me. So of course i wanted to. i love that girl with all my heart. I though about her every day at school. We got back together and she lied to me about sleeping with anyone else. I found out thru the guy actually. He was a married but divorced man with 2 kids. I was shocked and it killed me inside. It still does to this day. She says she regrets it and that she was only trying to get over me. I have no clue what to do sometimes i want to be with her and than sometimes i am just like whatever. it sucks.

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, willy1 United Kingdom +, writes (12 December 2010):

Let assume cheating is as common as taking a dump. After all if former presidents and other high ranking officials do it then I'd say it's a pretty common thing. My question to you is can you adapt to a world where your girlfriend or boyfriend sneaks off on occasion to have a fling. One other thing, if you're bf/gf slept with 100 other people before she met you and you still dated her knowing this then later on he/she sleeps with 1 person and now you're devastated? Would you have been happier if she'd slept with the 101st person before she met you? What's the logic in that? Men and women cheat and it happens more than you think. Your girlfriend took a hiatus to date another guy she decided that you were better for her and that's Why she's back with you otherwise she'd still be with him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, bomajic United Kingdom +, writes (29 June 2010):

I am having a similar dilemma. I met my girlfriend while working abroad about a year and a half ago. I am British and she is Canadian. We had the most amazing beautiful special relationship I have ever experienced. So,when the job finished, she persuaded me to go to Canada with her. However, as I didnt have a work permit, I had to go back to the UK after 6 months, and it took me 6 more months to get my canadian work permit and raise some cash to go back. During the last month, we were both really feeling the strain of the distance and how long I had been away, and during an argument about it on skype we sort of "broke up" although I didnt really take it too seriously. At first I felt relief that it might be over, but I left it about a week before talking to her again and making back up with her. When I finally got to Canada last week, I stayed at her house the first night, and all was well, although she seemed a little cool on me. The next morning, I found a used condom wrapper under the bed. I confronted her about it straight away as she was cooking breakfast and she said that I had broken up with me and this was her way of dealing with it. She said it was a guy she had known from highschool (she is now 26) and she had been sleeping with him every time she felt lonely as she didnt really believe I would ever actually return. I was devastated, and fled to a hostel, got blitzed for 2 days and then went back to try and work it out. I really love her a lot and I have come a long way for this to work. she says she doesnt regret it because I had broken up with her. I never thought she would go out and find sex so quickly after I broke up with her. She said she had no feelings for the guy, and I m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Knowing that it was some loser she didnt care about is a relief in one sense as at least she didnt fall in love with someone else, but it also has cheapened her in my eyes. She says she wants to work it out with me, but she doesnt regret what happened at all. I'm pretty confused as to what to do to be honest.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, dj1987 United States +, writes (24 August 2009):

im the new member to yalls club me and my girl was high school sweethearts and lost it to one another. We dated for four years and we broke up over stupid stuff and six weeks after she slept with someone else, we got back together and she said she didnt do anything. five months after we start datin again she told me what happend. It really sux because i wanted an old fashion relationship where both get married and has never been with anyone else, but she blew that dream away. It really bothers me and i think about it on a daily basis. Sometimes i think we will work out and sometimes i dont. I like class in girls and sleeping with someone you hardly know is slutty in my opinion. I really love her so im gonna try my best to make it work. I never would have thought she would do something like that. O yea i never had sex with anyone else in case your wondering. I hope it works out with yall. GOD BLESS

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, tux United States +, writes (28 February 2009):

tux agony auntReminds me of the TV show "Friends" "We were on a BREAK!"

But anyways, this has to deal with trust. She broke your trust by lying to you, although she may have had good intentions in doing so, however, it would have been better for her to come straight out and tell the truth. Now, you may not feel like you can trust her. This really goes beyond her being with another man IMO.

You need to figure if you can trust her again as well as getting what she has done while on a break. Also, you may want to clarify who initiated the break. It could help with a lot of people just guessing it was her.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, marymay United Kingdom +, writes (28 February 2009):

i am recently the gf in ur situation. we had broken up and were seein other people, but there was still full emotions for each other on both sides. and we wer still thinkin we wud want to try again after some time part. i completely rushed in to sex with sumone and it has ruined everything, it was very soon adn i wasnt ready for it anymore than he was ready for me to do it either. your girlfriend shud hav told yu. but chances are that she feels total devastating guilt about it. regrets it. and still loves you. and probably wants to tell yu everytime she sees yu. but people will have bin telling her that yu 'dont need to know' and so things have happened the way they did. if yu love her i hope yu can forgive her. it will be just as hard for her as it is for yu.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008):

break up with her, don't talk to her again. she is nothing special. she slept with someone and you were only broken up for a month? was she the one that wanted the "break"? sounds like a slut. always remember... money women.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

i'm actually going through the exact same thing man. Mine is a little different, because I broke up with her. I had a lot of relationship issues in the past, and I didn't know what I wanted, and I ended up breaking up with her because I was so confused I was hurting us both. I realized after 4 months that it was the wrong decision, and no I didn't date other woman, I didn't hook up with anyone else, I just had alone time to figure things out. I almost got back with her halfway through this time, but then I woke up one day and got scared again that I would hurt her the way I was hurt, so I backed out...what I didn't find out until months later, a couple of months after we got back together, is that she slept with someone that weekend. She said she had never been more angry at anyone in her life, and she was extremely upset, plus the fact her roommate left because her dad was dying, and she was her best friend. She was extremely alone, and she's a push over, and she let this guy have sex with her. She stopped it a little after it started, and made him leave. I know how you feel because my girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship, its just that after i found this out months and months later, after I stumbled upon it talking to her, and she said she just didn't know how to tell me, she broke a piece of my heart. I want to get over it, and I'm really trying, but the fact that I'm not the only one shes had sex with anymore, that I can say she was the only girl I was with, and she can't...bothers me. But more than that is I never ever in a billion years would ever think she would do that. She isn't that kind of girl, she doesn't do random hook ups, and shes had two boyfriends in her life. I think I may be in love with her, but our relationship is already incredibly hard as it is a long distance one. I can't help but thinking that there is a part of her that did that, and that I can't trust, and that I don't know her anymore. I talk to her about it, and she felt badly about it, but she is burying it and trying not to think about it ever, and I have to really go off about it before she gets upset. I feel like i'm alone, and a piece of her betrayed me. I try to talk to her a lot, and we do communicate well, its just that I feel like whats the point? I tell her all these things, and just make her feel bad because I'm telling her she crushed me and that no matter what its always in the back of my mind. We have a good sex life, but after i found out I couldn't touch her for a month or so. Even now, I know we still have great sex, but I'm worried because she has had sex with someone else, I feel threatened. She was really drunk, and doesn't remember some things, but she said she literally didn't feel anything, didn't touch him, had no emotion and just wanted to stop. But that doesn't stop me from worrying. I think I might always now have this voice in the back of my head, that reminds me the person that did that is still inside her, and I don't know if I can get past it. Anytime sex comes up, talk about it on tv, a story from a friend, anything...and I automatically think of what she did. I couldn't watch a show with sex on it for awhile beacuse i thought "who might be in love with that girl, and look what shes doing." Its really rough man, but I think you just have to really try it out and see where it takes you. If you're meant to be it will happen, and if you can't overcome these thoughts, and they ruin too much of the good things...then you just have to end it. Good luck, its a really terrible situation, I absolutely feel ya

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, elmofudge United Kingdom +, writes (16 February 2008):

I think it can be quite healthy in a relationship to have a break to see what you want but I'm not so sure about the mutual agreement to see other people.To me, it just seems like a way of moving on without actually breaking up and I don't think you could agree to that if you both really loved each other. For your part, because this has hurt you, I don't think that you thought she would sleep with someone else and I don't think you had any intention of sleeping with any other women on this break. I get the feeling it was her who asked for this break and you have to ask yourself whether you can put this in the past and move onto better things with your girlfriend, or whether it will always be there and you'll begrudge her for it. I think you both need to talk things through and see how things go, perhaps take a break and agree to not see other people while you work things out.Best of luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, gabba's say United Kingdom +, writes (15 February 2008):

gabba's say agony auntPeople are only amimals. She lied so as not to hurt you but at least she came clean. If you can, try and get over it if you feel she is worth it. when things happen behind your back is time to move on.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

Eyes has given you some good options. Let me give you my thoughts on these.

Option 1 - This is the ideal option, but from my own personal experience, you will never totally forget it. It will always eat at you, especially if you don't talk about it and just hold your thoughts inside.

Option 2 - Again, from my experience, this is the worst option for you. As eyes said, it is a shame to throw away something as good as you seem to have. I considered that in my early relationship with my wife and we are both very happy that I did not choose that option.

Option 3 - Eyes is correct as far as she goes with that option. If you are not condemming and your gf can handle it, talk, talk and talk about your feelings. It has worked for my wife and I. She may feel guilty because she did what she did and you didn't. She may have even done it because she thought you did also. Have you discussed your feelings with her?

Now to another option - Option 4 - Take another break of 2 to 3 months so that both of you can do whatever you both need to do. Discuss it at length before you do and decide how the 2 of you will keep in touch. My wife and I did something like this many years ago and we still believe that it was the best decision that we made together. We discussed these thoughts of mine before I wrote this and we both agree on these options, so you have at least one male and female view on this. Of course, we are biased since it worked better than anything else that we could think of for us. It's not a perfect solution, but we still think it is the best from our experience.

On the lying part - She probably lied because she was afraid of hurting you once she found out that you didn't sleep with anyone. Then she felt guilty and hurt that she lied to you. Be grateful for that. She was worried and confused and did the right thing in the end. Some people may say that she should have kept the lie to herself, but then she would have probably always been bothered by her lie. I believe that truth is the best answer. The hurt from the truth is almost always better than the hurt from the lie.

The first thing that you need to do is to talk to her about your feelings and discuss the options. Communication is normally the best way to solve personal problems and thoughts. Just remember not to condemn her in your discussions. She will just shut you off if you do. I also say that from experience. Good luck and PM me if you want to talk.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (15 February 2008):

Danielepew agony auntI think you should end this relationship. What's more, I think you should have broken up with her the moment she asked for a break. Do you want to know why? Because

1) people who really love you don't ask for breaks. And, reading your post, I'm pretty sure it was not you who asked for the break. I might be wrong, but it's highly unlikely.

2) people who are in love with you don't sleep with someone else, even if you agree to see other people. Witness to this fact are the many people who just can't get into another relationship because they haven't forgotten the one they love.

This is harsh, but, you don't know why she didn't stay with this other man. But my guess is that she would have stayed with him if he had caught her eye. She didn't find anyone better, so she came back to you.

Leave her, man. A hard fact of life is that you need to stand up for yourself even with respect to people who claim to love you. And relationships are not to be turned on or off according to the whims of one of the parties, be it the man or the woman.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

If your girl friend , lied to get attention.Your girl friends needs help. Do you really want to go out with a person like that. There are alot of gals out their. I would play the field or wait and not go out with anyone for a while.If you like this gal maybe she will grow up in time. If you break up with her at least you might think straight. good luck to you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

you were on a break so she has done nothing wrong. there is nothing you can do about it now and if i was you i would just move on. why does it matter if she's shagged someone else anyway. if you were on a break it's really none of your buisness.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (14 February 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntThere is nothing you do about this. You have three choices as I see it: 1. You can leave it in the past where it belongs because she didn't cheat on you, you mutually agreed to see other people. OR 2. You can break up with her because you can't do number 1. OR 3. You can let it eat away at you until you make her or yourself so miserable you have to break up anyway. Personally I recommend the first choice because you sound like you have a pretty good thing going on here, a shame to throw it away. Good luck, Buddy.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Dazzerg United Kingdom +, writes (14 February 2008):

Dazzerg agony auntWell in the first instance you on a break in which you both, from what you write here, 'saw other people' - that one of these encounters led to sex for your gf is maybe unfortunate but in the first instance she wasnt wrong as it seems to be have been mutually agreed that you could see other people.

Having said all that she shouldnt have lied about it and now you are left with decideing whether you can trust her again. She probably lied because she knew youd react badly but that doesnt make her right to do so. I think you need to thrash it out with her, not let it fester and tell her how you feel and see where you go from there. Good luck :)

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My girl slept with someone else while we were on a 'break' and I cant get over it"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.109375!