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Is it a good idea to meet up with my ex when I'm confused about my own emotions?

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 5 April 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Ok so I'm completely single, and have been for about a year. My ex recently contacted me and wanted to meet up sometime. We broke up on good terms and we're not necessarily friends but I'm not sure of what his intentions are. I still really care about him, but not sure if getting back with him is the best idea. (However I don't know if he just wants to be friends or something more.) it is just odd to me that he makes a seemingly random appearance in my life at the exact time I am falling for a different guy. My question is, is it a good idea to meet up with him, especially if I'm confused about my own emotions?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNope leave him in the past where he belongs.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (29 March 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI suspect one of two things is going on here: either he has heard about your new relationship and has suddenly decided that, although he doesn't really want you, he doesn't want anyone else to have you either, or he has just broken up with a girlfriend and is feeling lonely so wants to look you up to get some comfort (probably via sex). Once he is feeling better and stronger, he will probably disappear.

I think meeting up with him will only make you MORE confused, not less, so you have little, if anything, to gain from seeing him. I would politely tell him you don't think meeting up is a good idea (I have got out of SO many things by using that very phrase!) because there is someone else on the scene and you don't want to muddy the waters.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSince there is a new guy in the picture I would not meet up with an ex-partner. It just complicates matters. And... it's not fair on the new guy either. It's like divided emotions.

Generally, I don't think being friends with an ex-partner is always a smart thing to do but in some cases it works. This is not the time to see if it does.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 March 2017):

Exes out of the blue are usually on a reconnaissance mission to test out the waters; and see how you've progressed without them. It's not usually to your benefit. They want to see if sex is still on the table, make sure you're still in a state of confusion/grief/vulnerability; and to reverse any forward-progress you've made in your recovery from the breakup. Mostly they want to know if they've been replaced; especially if their own luck sucks in the dating world.

They don't want you to get-over them, before they get-over you!

Because it's usually the female in a heterosexual relationship that expresses her feelings more openly; the male can usually see it all on the surface and know where he stands. This gives him an advantage. He can manipulate your feelings if he knows you haven't moved-on, he can reinforce his influence and control over your emotions; and he can cock-block you, if he determines you're dating. That protects his male-ego, and reasserts his sexual-property claim over your body. Rarely is it good-intentions or a legitimate concern for your welfare. Regardless of who actually initiated the breakup.

If you were getting on okay, it is best to discontinue any further contact. He will get your hopes up; and then could change his mind. You think the breakup was painful the first time?!! Ripping open partially-healed wounds is worse. It makes those emotional-wounds more prone to infection and you'll suffer many complications, and/or have a total relapse. The detachment process is hard enough.

Assure him you're doing just fine. Pretend, even if it isn't true. In time, it will be. He doesn't need to know one way or the other. You don't want friendship, you want him as your boyfriend. Why negotiate friendship, and feel like crap the minute he finds a new girlfriend?

Heal first. Let some time pass, and then consider whether there is any room for an ex in your present or future. There's a reason he is an ex, and weakening to old-feelings is just setting yourself up for more pain. The odds are heavily against successful reconciliations. Test your luck if you must.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (29 March 2017):

Denizen agony auntIf you are forming a bond with someone new then don't meet your ex' at the moment. You don't need to slam the door, but don't complicate your life right now.

Be friendly but explain there is someone else on your radar. If he just wants to be friendly that will be OK. If he wants more then I guess it won't sit well with him.

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