A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm following up a previous question of mine (posted 2/23 asking for objective advice/serenity)...I am unable to make a decision; I've been spinning my proverbial wheels for about five months with regard to what I can/should do about my ex-girlfriend. I love her tremendously--and believe me she knows this. I've told her several times, I've cried to her, she held me. I know she doesn't want to deal with the guilt of knowing that her decisions have caused me pain so I've refrained from bringing up my feelings to her when we speak and I've made no attempt to manipulate/force a reconciliation. All the advice givers in the world suggest such a course to follow if there's to be any progress. I'm logical enough to know that I have no ability to make her feel as comfortable with me as she once did, to help feel assured that being with me despite our bad history is the right choice. I am supportive and I am there for her and I am returning the friendship, but only when it's brought to me. I don't call first, I don't invade.Philosophically speaking the past is actually a terrible measuring stick to gauge what will occur in the future but sadly ours in not a world where such a rationale is permitted. And that's the calamity that makes life what it is.When we first began I was a completely different person in her eyes (job-wise, life wise) and now I'm no longer that person (different job and different life). I used to exude much more confidence and self-assurance but in the last three years my ego has suffered blow after crushing blow and the person who remains is only a tincture of who I once was. Sure, I know that person still exists but as far as our relationship goes, our dynamic had almost reversed. And before we broke up, I was the clingy, needy one and she confident, distant and slightly disaffected. She even remarked to me that "you're being so needy. this isn't the person I fell in love with." She indicated that she wanted to be friends--that it was important for her. Given my propensity to overanalyze, I'm not even sure why she'd want this. She ended things with a text, promised to call to discuss but didn't, and only talked about it with me when I called her in November and emailed her in January. Karma is a bitch and if it exists then I deserve what's coming to me. I know walking away is always a choice that exists for me, but I can't reconcile doing so. I want to call her everyday and convince her things will be different, but I can't keep bringing it up. I'm afraid she's created quite a wall to safeguard herself against relenting. She is still sweet and polite (apologizing for not calling back after a text or for hanging up quickly), but I'm really unable to make any logical sense of her intentions. I'm not sure if I'm being strung along (she's promised me nothing so that can't be the case) in the event the grass is not as greener as she'd hoped. I try to be friendly and familiar when we speak but at times it seems so forced. I've been reduced to a positive reinforcer, an advice giver, which I don't mind, but it's this reduced role that is killing me. I want her back and I know it's entirely on her terms. I can't walk away.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 February 2009):
 I believe you are desperately ruining any chance you may have with her. I provide counseling to many people, some of which have low self esteems. They keep telling themselves they are worthless, etc. For that reason, directly telling them they are not has not affect. We tend to believe what we tell ourselves before believing someone else. If she's saying it won't work out, then you telling her different is like talking to a brick wall.
If this is something you pursue, you'll need to re-win her heart, and not convincing her to take the plunge. You'll have to re-romance her, as if you just met. This way her heart may change by seeing the changes that have happened.
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