A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my bf for 2years now i love him alot but i sometimes feel realy small.last year i found out he was cheating on me and confronted him but then he droped the girl and thing slowly started mending.today i was with him then he said he will never forget his x(the one he cheated with) because she had everything he wanted in a girl.at that moment i realy felt so ugly and i could just feel my heart crack.i then asked what was it she had and well he told me and i realised that was all the things i also do.i let it go but then he told me he loves me and he wants to tell me alot of things but cant and he said he hasn't really changed(he use to be a player)i love this guy so much but im scared i might be running after something that died a long time ago.what should i do?is this normal?
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female
reader, Lola1  + ♥, writes (11 September 2009):
 He is trying to tell you it is over, but isn't being direct.I'm sorry. It's hard to hear that.But now that you know, you have some thinking to do.Good luck.
A
female
reader, Debking79  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Dear Anonymous,
You seem to be a very caring sweet young woman. I am sad to here that you are in this situation. That feeling we get when our heart cracks is a million times worse than physical pain. When you love someone, it takes control and there is very little that can change the way you feel.
I think, for the most part, you are asking the wrong questions. According to your post, you are asking "Is he still in love with her (me)?" "Is this normal?" "What should I do?" "What is it that she had?" "Am I chasing something that died a long time ago?"
These are all very normal questions, and anyone in your situation would wonder about these things, as well! But these are all external things that really have no bearing on how you feel or why you are in this relationship in the first place. And if you focus on the "What should I do?" question and decide to leave him, chances are you two will get back together.
Take a deep breath, then maybe hang out with some girlfriends who will be happy to hear you vent, then get a good nights rest. When you wake up, sit down and take some time to figure out what you want. Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel small? Why is someone you love, and who says he loves you, able to hurt you so much? Do you feel like you will never be able to find someone better? What do you want in a relationship in general? (Think about the best and worst things in this current relationship and past ones)
Your feelings are definitely normal. Do not worry about that. But, no one should be able to make you feel small and ugly. When you figure out exactly how you want to be treated, how you want communication to be in a relationship, how you want the romantic/physical to be, how you want your significant other to be able to make you laugh or keep you grounded or support you emotionally, you will feel empowered. You will appear more confident to the world. There will be a guy out there who will appreciate that you know what you want. And he will be thrilled just for the opportunity to make you happy.
You seem so empathetic and seem like such a great person, I am tempted to just say,"Dump that *you know what* and find a real man!" But, I know everyone makes their own choices and we never listen when people say that. Myself included!! :)
It is hard to make someone happy when even they do not really know what they want out of a relationship. I feel that both you and your bf do not really know what you want.
I hope this helps. I wish you the best of luck :)
Cheers,
Deb
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A
male
reader, Grymlocke666 +, writes (11 September 2009):
 well, sorry. There's one sentence that says it all in that paragragh, and that one statement alone should scream for you to run for the hills and forget about this guy. If he used to be a player but haven't changed his pimpish ways, you definitely should let him go.Sure, you'll still find that he loves you and you even love him back, but if he's flirting wih other girls then the trust won't last long. It's true that there IS a reason an ex is called an ex. But there's also the fact that they were just as close, if not closer to their ex-partner's heart than the current partner is. That alone will be something that many people and their use-to-be lover will never forget. I know I've never forgotten my ex of a three year relationship, and I'm with someone else.Take it from a guy that knows other guys who are "playas". Don't get involved. You'll only end up hurting yourself. He's not ready for a relationship if he himself declared that he hasn't changed. I mean c'mon. He cheated on you and THEN says he hasn't changed? If you don't move on then I'll personally come get you and drag you by the hair INTO the next phase of 'letting go'. The last part was a joke. I won't drag you by the hair. . .maybe just the arm :]
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A
female
reader, sexlessintheuk  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 I presume you also asked the question about the "used" relationship.
Your player boyfriend would rather be with this other girl than you, or so it seems. You have been too nice sticking with him, especially after he strayed with her, and now he has the nerve to tell YOU that she is all he ever wanted in a woman. How on earth is this meant to make you feel?
He is using you, sexually and as an emotional punch bag. This is truly destructive for you and will really wear you down.
Do the right thing and split up with him.
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A
female
reader, icelordess + ♥, writes (11 September 2009):
 I think unless an ex has hurt you really badly, most of us do have some kind feelings for them, but as the expression goes, there's a reason WHY they are the ex. It sounds as though your guy may have spoken his feelings he had AT THE TIME, but has come to appreciate you. The thing that would frighten me is that he said he hasn't changed (being a player). That to me is not a good thing. It really does hurt to be compared to an ex, I've been there. But you can't go chasing after the past, you aren't going to catch it. You can only be who you are. If you feel your guy is still in love with his ex, I'd move on.
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