A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello All, I am in need of some serious advice. My boyfriend recently broke up with me and I was totally blindsided. He said things were moving too fast and that he didn't think he could love me the way he should. He was emotional and even got teary eyed and said how sorry he was and that he never wanted to hurt me and thought that I was an amazing person and so on and so forth. My response to him was, if you can't love me the way I deserve then you need to go. He moved out and I started the no contact rule. I am heart broken and shocked. I didn't see this coming and am doing everything I can to move on. The issue is this. He refuses to come and get all of his things. My entire garage is full of his personal belongings and he still has some belongings in my home. He still has a key and the garage door opener so he comes and goes as he pleases to get his things. Except he will only take one or two boxes at a time. I packed up everything for him and moved mostly everything into the garage. He calls me all the time saying he needs to get his stuff or did any mail come which he claimed to change the address two weeks ago. The other day he called and said he would be by to get some stuff yet never showed. I feel like he is playing games with me. He will call and act like everything is great and start talking about his personal life and some issues he is having and what not. Last time he called me six times in one day with not much to say. He always uses his belongings or mail as the main reason yet he isn't doing anything about getting his things. He called me while he was over and I was at work and he made it sound like he was getting most of his things, nope I came home and he took TWO boxes and LEFT his work equipment in the garage and then called to tell me what he was doing the next day. I have asked for the key and remote back and he assured me he would give it to me yet he has not. He has even sent me a couple flirtatious emails with the ;) in them. I don't get what he is playing at! Is this some form of control for him, is he just using me as a storage facility or is he sturggling with his decision? He seems to be acting very wishy washy. I need some answers please. Do I just let this continue for as long as he pleases or do I change the locks? Is this a sign he possibly isn't totally done or is he just using me? Do I continue the no contact rule? Do I change the locks and put everything in the driveway and leave him a message? HELP
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at work, broke up, flirt, move on, moved out Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): you have done very well to put into practice NO contact. That's a good decision.Look at his actions and not his words. He's regularly coming by to remove his stuff, not put it back. Remove every personal item of his from inside the house.There is no way he should still have a key of any description to your property. And there is no way he should be entering your home, at his whim, when it suits him, even when you are at work.He must be very sure that you are apushover, by the way he's keeping so much of his gear at your home, for him. Don't be so soft and forgiving.When men treat their current or ex women less respectfully than they would treat a friend, then how does that work? Men behave badly because they can, because their women, ex or current women ALLLOW them to get away with it.His actions indicate that he thinks he can patronise and lie to you, by the slow way he's removing things. And by the way he promises, but does not deliver, when he says he'll do something, and then does not. He does not respect you as much as you hope he does.Stop thinking he wants a 100% committed relationship. His actions contradict that hope. He wants you as one of his side dishes. And he's sure if he keeps on dropping by that you'll agree too.Would you give your key to your home to a stranger who was intent on exploiting you. Of course not. This man blind sided you. So he is not a man who you know well, at least not as well as you think you do. Why are you still allowing him a key to the inside of your home? Hope for a future with him? He's not that good, no matter how cute he seems to you. only pacifying
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. I am upset over the break up he broke my heart. I have done exactly as you advised and act happy go lucky every time I see him or talk to him, and act like I'm not bothered by his decision at all. I don't ever want to appear desperate no matter how badly I am hurting. I am not an angry bitter person and it's out if my character to change the locks and put his stuff out. However, that is the advice I am getting from all around me. I just don't want to be taken advantage of and I would love for him to want to work things out. I have done everything in my power to make him believe I am ok with the breakup. I wished him happiness and that he find what he is looking for. I just want to know if I'm holding on to false hope or if it's a possibility that he still cares.
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A
female
reader, soft2020 +, writes (20 January 2011):
 A female reader, soft2020 writes ( 20 January 2011 )
Hi anonymous, I have been there too and had been in a
similar situation like you at some point and time in my past life with the opposite sex. My heart goes out to you
and wish you the best recovery of all your pain and agony.
Your boyfriend has some past issues that has nothing to do
with you or your relationship. His emotional problems may ly somewhere among his past life "Like what happened to
him as a little boy between him and his parents while he
was growing up?" and he may not have grown up! He maybe
playing on your emotional intelligence as a way of getting
back at his parents. When we are little children and want
to voice our opinions we are told by our parents to be
quiet and don't talk! if we didn't we would get a beating.
Maybe he wasn't allowed to voice his opinions as a child and decided to do so as an adult. Maybe he is saying, "Go
ahead cry all you want i'm not listening to you" or maybe
there is issues of a past relationship he may not have gotten over. I have suffered in my past life and was left
like you many times with a broken heart, you may want to get some self help counseling such as good books to read
about relationships such as "Are you the one for me?",
"Men are from mars and women are from venus","Act like a
lady and think like a man. They may help to open some doors
that is shut and to understand the male side of things and
help you to heal and give some relief to your emotional stress and pain and may also want to look into some good
videos on relationships. It maybe a movie that was made
or self help video. In this day and age it is all about
"Me" instead of "We", my advice to you is you may want
to take some time out for learning to love yourself. I hope that I was able to help shed some light on what
maybe the cause of your problems in your realtionship.
I will keep you in my prayers and wish you the best of
luck with your future, take care of yourself and best
wishes to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Change the keys. Yes
Change the keys - before you do the rest. Yes
Continue the No contract rule. Yes
Is he prolonging the agony. Yes
Is he playing you. Yes
Is he using you as a cheap storage facility. Yes
Should you STOP enabling him to keep you on a string. Yes
Write him a dated letter, and in the letter provide an end time and end date, send the letter in such a way that he has to sign for the letter.
Eg by 3pm on .......day on this date........
Tell him all the goods will be placed in the driveway at address..... at 10am on that date....... The items must be fully removed by 3pm.
Anything not removed as at 3pm will go to the dump
Organise a pickup ready at 3.01pm and mean it. To take the rest to the dump.
Tell him he no longer has access to any part of your property except to collect his belongings from the driveway, on the date you have decided.
In that letter tell him you expect him to arrange an alternative storage facility for all his goods and chattels.
Do not allow him to rent (pay for) your premises as a storage facility.
He is trying to stop you from moving on. He does not want a permanent long term relationship with you.
But he does not want you to find another guy.
Because he has hopes you will weaken so that you can become one of his FWB.
Expect him to turn on some serious charm.
You know what he's about, so do not weaken.
He'll find some alternative FWB gals soon enough.
Once he checks out commercial storage he will find it will cost him heaps. Do NOT pay even one month of the storage cost.
It is not your responsibility.
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