A
female
age
41-50,
*laineking101
writes:i have been married for 3 years now. we have children from previous marriages who live with us. I am very upset as my husband sleeps on the sofa most nights.he gives a variety of reasons for not coming to bed. "cramp, checking something on the net, worried about something, will be up to bed soon." also he doesnt kiss me or tell me he loves me unless i say or do it first. we have not rowed. he just seems to be totally unaware of any closeness that might be needed. Maybe im looking into this more than i need to. I feel very unloved. I have tried to tell him, and asked him whats wrong and why doesnt he come to bed but he just gives excuses.Do you think i should be worried?
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female
reader, elaineking101 +, writes (7 October 2007):
elaineking101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno change still. have tried talking to him he still sleeps on the sofa.even now (11pm), he has laid on the sofa, turned round so his back is towards me, and gone to sleep. arms crossed, hunched up.
In fact i dont think he is asleep as he just cleared his throat and scratched his neck.
i spent several hours this afternoon mulling things over in my mind. still dont know what to make of things. feel totally confused, and very upset.
A
female
reader, elaineking101 +, writes (17 September 2007):
elaineking101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have never refused him sex or kisses or hugs.so its not that hes not"getting it from me so hes going elsewhere".i have taken on board everyting you have all said and im grateful.this is breaking me up cos i love him so much, i dont understand why he doesnt want me anymore. i just dont know anymore.
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A
female
reader, lovejunkie  +, writes (17 September 2007):
 Yes you should be worried. He's either having an affair, going through some kind of depression, or has lost his sexual attraction for you. Pick a night and send the kids packing for the evening. Surprise him with a nice dinner and then tell him that something has to be done to save your marriage. I would consider counseling. His excuses are just a smoke screen to other things that are going on with him and he's avoiding telling you, either because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings or he doesn't know how to deal with it (if it's depression for instance). I hope you can work it out. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Yes, anytime in a marriage, when two people drift apart, emotionally and no longer bond, is a concern. ALso,just one of you is trying to repair this and the other one is not co-operatingn or really wantingo fix the problem. It's very telling when you mention he is not actively bonding with you unless you make the first move. If so, then something is definitely on his mind and he is avoiding intimacy as mentioned below. If you keep asking him about this, I think he'll keep denying it, thus adding to your frustrations and all that happens is an argument will ensue without resolution. If you want to help this marriage, you may have to get some professional counseling to help you communicate to him. It is very likely that your marriage has long had some issues you may or may not have recognized, but he knows and he's refusing to discuss these issues with you or you Get into some couple counselling together...marriage is important, it takes hard, hard work and sometimes we need the extra help to help a floundering partner, to come out with what is truely bothering him. If he doesn't go with you, go alone and get some thoughts and opinions on how to repair the wedge, that is clearly in your marriage. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Reading between the lines, and relating to my own experience, it's just possible that he's picked up an STD from somewhere and is avoiding any contact until it's been cleared up.
If after about six weeks his behaviour doesn't alter then I would suspect there's possibly another reason.
Phil
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A
female
reader, Indie +, writes (17 September 2007):
I do think you should be worried! Could it be that he is depressed? A side effect of being depressed is low or no sex drive.
although you have said that you have spoken to him it will be best to set some time aside where you will have no interruptions. tell him that you need to talk and make him understand how this is affecting you. Women have needs too and more importantly he needs to show you affection.
There may be some issue that he is not telling you about because he is embarrassed or unsure how to talk about it. Just let him know that he can be open with you and that it is important for your relationship that this is sorted out sooner rather than later! good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Of course you should be worried. Something's up. Any drastic change in behavior should always be a concern. I mean I am assuming he hasn't always been like this, right??
I mean if he is married he should love you and of course he should come to bed with you and give you kisses. The only things that I can think of is possibly that he has fallen out of love. Maybe he met someone else?? You got to know that men are sexual creatures. Believe me that he thinks about sex and affection just as much as he ever has. So if he is not getting that love, sex or affection from you, I guarantee you he is getting his fix from somewhere else. This does not mean he is physically cheating on you (even though this is a possiblity) but he also could maybe be addicted to porn, perhaps?? So you have got to make yourself aware of the fact that if he is not affectionate with you he still has urges that he probably is playing out somewhere else. But whatever he is doing, his first duty should be to you. So this is a big problem. And whether it is porn or cheating they are both unacceptable (unless you guys have some sort of agreement or something). But his behavior in general is unacceptable.
So if he does not love you anymore you have got to make him come clean because his behavior is not fair to you. That is no way for a husband to treat his wife. So next time you talk to him tell him to stop giving you these lame excuses and to talk to you honestly. Because if nothing was wrong then he would be coming to bed with you. So you know something's up. But find out. This is not normal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Hi Love,
It is very unusual behaviour and I think you should most definatley pin him down and get him to talk, Explain how you feel. I no you must have done this but you cant live a loveless marraige, as time goes on you will just feel worse.
There must be something on his mind and you need to no or how can you understand, Plus hun you need to no where you stand in all of this, I wouldnt be happy and I would also be worried after all when you care for someone its natural to feel this way, I hope you sort things out love TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Yes, I would be. There is obviously some reason why he's being so distant. It's not as if the couch is more comfortable than your bed, correct? Have you ever considered he may be homosexual? A lot of men get married & have children so that they can stay in the closet. Just a thought. Tell him you expect him to come to bed with you every night from now on. If he won't change tell him you want him to join you in counseling. If he won't do anything to make an effort, ever...I don't think you'll ever get the love you deserve in a marriage and need to reconsider this relationship. you deserve happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): from previous experience your husband is avoiding sleeping with you because he dont want any emotional,sexual attachment with you,basicaly he wants out but aint got the heart to tell you,this is how i behaved with my now ex husband.
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