A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for three years now and I love him completely. We discuss marriage from time to time once he finishes university. In the time I've dated him he has never given me true cause to doubt his faithfulness to me. However, I have problems with trust because of previous relationships and so I often have internal struggles regarding him, and this is what has happened.When we met for our date the other day, a text arrived on his phone from a girl named Elizabeth (a girl I am familiar with as his classmate but have never met in person) and it said something that didn't make sense on his own. He laughed it off and explained the message was about something that had happened one night recently at a party. I tried to put it out of my mind, but here's the kicker:I from time to time look at his phone (I know it's wrong and that I shouldn't, I feel guilty but sometimes I cannot help myself), I know he had received text messages from an unstored number saying "Happy you came out tonight with us instead of staying home like a loser" and he had texted the person back saying he had fun, etc. Normal conversation. This is the number now stored under Elizabeth's name. Only that conversation was gone and the only text now showing between them was the text she sent him while he was with me.I'll be blunt. I am scared that they have been messaging since I saw that message exchange a couple of weeks ago, and that he cleared the group of messages between them before seeing me because he didn't want me coming across whatever was in their conversation. I'm worried now he's hiding something. Do you think I am overreacting and worrying about nothing, or should I see red flags? Should I ask him about it, or keep it to myself? I am a nervous wreck. Thanks to everyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): I am the OP. Thank you for responding, since clearly not many people are going to :) We have been serious for a while now; I knew things would probably be more difficult because of school. The girl still makes me uncomfortable because she can apparently be a flirt and I know he deleted messages between them. But I also feel like he wouldn't go too far physically, despite my upset that he's keeping something from me. I think I just need to accept that there are some things I am just not meant to see because I might get hurt over something when he may not be doing anything to hurt me. My trust issues are mine, not his; I don't want to jeopardize anything with him unnecessarily. I just honestly wish I knew nothing about any of it...
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 July 2013):
Hi there. It is perfectly understandable, how you feel since reading that message, which you now know for sure, belongs to the lady Elizabeth, whose number is now stored in his phone directory.
And the only way you could say anything to him, was if you told him how you found out this information.
And it is so very early in your relationship, that you don't want to start querying him on it, in case it really rocks the boat, and he starts to think you are being possessive and controlling.
And you definitely DON'T want him to start thinking that way about you.
The point now though, is that you DO know that the messages came from Elizabeth, and there isn't anything you can really do about it unfortunately.
Are you officially a couple?
Or are you just going out at the moment?
Perhaps the subject hasn't come up as yet.
But then, I guess it usually doesn't really come up, as you either keep on seeing each other - or else it just ends.
And don't ask him if you are a couple, because that might sound a little controlling.
And he would sense some insecurity in you, and you don't want him thinking that.
At this point, if he has done nothing to make you lose trust in him, well then there is probably no need to worry.
Only time will tell, of course.
Elizabeth, may be no more to him than just a friend.
And I mean ONLY a friend - just like he has male friends he just talks to and socializes with.
And she is also in his class at university or college.
And so the situation cannot be avoided anyway, because she is in his class, and so he is going to be seeing her every time he is in that class.
The wisest thing you could possibly do now, is to trust him completely, UNLESS he ever gives you a reason not to.
If he treats you with respect and dignity, and hasn't become very moody, and isn't doing anything that is out of character for him, and he isn't breaking dates with you at the last minute giving some weak excuse, well then most likely everything is just fine, between you.
Just give it time and carefully observe his behaviour when he is with you, for any clues.
The other thing that is important, is that if he starts hiding his mobile phone and leaving it in the car, so you can't check it, well then that might be of concern to you.
But, if he always has it with him when he comes to see you, well then he probably is NOT hiding anything, and is being honest with you.
Just trust him, and see how he is when he is with you, over the next few weeks and months, and look for any changes in his moods.
And if everything seems normal to you, well then there most likely is no problem.
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