A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:My oldest friend (a gay guy) from high school has changed. He complained that I always cancel but I've had bad morning sickness from an unplanned pregnancy and also trying to figure out what to do. I tried explaining my situation and never got an answer. Yet I see on Facebook he goes out with other friends. Well how can I go out, if I don't get invited? I also can't stand his fiancé who is arrogant and rude and insulted me personally once.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (21 September 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see he's been excluding from everything from Facebook. And defriended me. What an asshole.
A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (10 August 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI completely disagree with you WiseOwLE, I wouldn't ask my fiancé to cut off a friend just because I didn't like them. Unless they were extremely rude to me. Anything else is just controlling.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 July 2013):
 You are hurt but sadly he has moved on from this relationship/friendship. He did not do it gracefully. There is really no “breakup” for friendships that die. They just die. And it’s sad for folks but he’s moved on in his life and you have to figure out a way to accept that.
I keep hearing the Patty Loveless song "How can I help you to say goodbye" IT says "it's ok to hurt and it's ok to cry". And it is. MOURN your loss... grieve the death of this friendship as deeply as you need to but work through the 5 stages of Grief. It's usually called "the five stages of death" but ANY loss is a death.
the stages are:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
this is not linear and you can move back and forth between the stages as you process your loss.
Let's use my favorite silly example. You have a favorite PEN and you lose it.
Denial: I didn't lose it. It's here somewhere... you frantically check your purse, your desk, your backpack... no pen
so you get ANGRY: I am SO MAD that I lost my pen.
maybe you go back to denial and check your purse again or maybe you just go to bargaining:
If I'm very good and I clean my desk off I'm sure I'll find my pen. (in the case of the death a relationship you may say "I'll change, I'll be what he wants just give him back to me"
so then maybe when that does not work you go back to ANGER
"I am so MAD that I lost my pen"
let's look in my purse AGAIN (denial)
next is a really key stage and one I think you are touching on in your last update... depression.
"I am so sad I lost my pen" In your case "I'm so hurt my friend has abandoned me"
and FINALLY you get to acceptance
"oh well it was my favorite pen, I'll have to go buy a new pen"
now with a PEN or any other OBJECT this can take all of 5 minutes but with the loss of a friendship or the death of a person these stages can take a long time to work through.
here's a good link:
http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/DABDA.htm
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I hope this link helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): You have a problem dealing with the fact your friend has lost his interest in maintaining his friendship with you. You have come to believe his fiance' is the mastermind behind this decision.
The truth is, they both have decided there is no room in their lives for your drama and incompatibility with his fiance'. Why you don't like him is irrelevant. He doesn't care why you don't like his fiance', and will not accept you if you can't. What's the point?
He may not value your friendship as much as you value his; or there were events along the way you have overlooked, that he hasn't.
It is apparent they have removed you from the equation.
Does he have a right to chose a fiance' over a friend?
Would you want your fiance' to choose you over his friends?
It is time to move on, and cut your losses. Maybe they just aren't good friend material, and this is proof.
I hope things go better for you. You should just try to focus on yourself and your own happiness, and let those two fade into the past.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (16 July 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I remember when it was my birthday at the start if the year. I was feeling down about something. Yet made a lame excuse not to come and didn't care at all that I was hurt.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (8 July 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes you suggested I invite them over etc. But the problem is my friend is completely ignoring all my messages. So inviting them has resulted in nothing. Yes I don't like his fiancé, if it was the other way around and I insulted his fiancé infront of everyone. Would my friend like it? I doubt it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): You don't like arrogant rude people. You happen to think your best friend's "fiance'" is rude and arrogant.
Point one finger, three point back.
He is his fiance'; so he isn't likely to be going away. I offered a suggestion on how to bring the trio together.
I gather I've been dismissed. So be it. I still hope things work out.
I guess you've written off your friendship because of your friend's fiance'?
Or perhaps, you've been written off.
That explains why he hasn't answered your messages.
Wish I could hear both sides of the story. I offered you advice. So maybe YOUR friendship isn't worth it.
Live and learn my dear.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (6 July 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not jealous of his partner, I just don't like arrogant/ rude people.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (6 July 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've tried contacting him but never got an answer back. I mention his sexuality to explain on here that our relationship is puely platonic. We've never been an item.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): I'm not even going to go into how irrelevant it is to tell us his sexuality... You should arrange to go out with him , tell him the time and the place so you won't be late.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): This is really an easy issue to resolve. All you both need to do is talk. He should understand, now that you're pregnant; you can't party like the good old days. You are prone to morning sickness and hormonal surges.
You both need to "sit down and talk," to work it out. Hopefully you won't have to raise the baby alone; if you are choosing to keep him/her. Now is not a time to be abandoned by your friends, and he's being a knuckle-head.
You also have to work it out with his fiance'. He is now going to be a part of his life, and competing with him will not benefit either of you.
Make dinner, and invite them over for a talk. Bring up the good times in the past to set the mood. Do not get heavy or start moaning and complaining. You have to work it out on good terms, and place emphasis on your long-term friendship.
Stop the blaming, and show how much you are willing to accept his partner. That is the route of all this nonsense.
YOU TWO!!!
Tell that jerk how you felt about what he said, and if it wasn't for that, you are willing to forget and move on.
The matter regarding going out isn't really important. It's healing the rift in your friendship. Be proactive in bringing things together. You stand to benefit, and need the care and support of your friends more than ever.
During that talk make some ground rules. Keep anger out of it. No slinging blame back and forth. Anger will clog your ears, and everybody will try to prove how right they are.
That is counterproductive.
To have a productive talk, is not to break the rules. Even if he does. You stay on course and show them you are the adult, and trying to salvage your friendship and include his partner into the loop. Courteously allow his opinion.
As far as excluding his partner; resistance is futile.
Don't force your friend to choose sides. That's counter-intuitive. You'll lose. You'll be the first one your friend comes to; when he and his partner are having problems. Trust me on that. If he wants to keep that door open, he'd best take his ass off his shoulders.
I know things will work out, after a good dinner and talk.
Final note:
If you are jealous of his partner and just don't like him,
you are stirring the pot; and the trouble will fly up in your face. Let him be arrogant and rude. Be the better person. Tell him when you think he's being rude. That is your right. Especially, when it's directed toward you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 July 2013):
Sometimes we outgrow our friends and don't know how to gracefully exit the friendship.
Being pregnant and having a child will change how you live and what you do.
You can't stand his finace' so I would imagine that you won't want to be around him.
Seems to me you two may be heading in different directions.
there is no crime in outgrowing friends btw.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): Why bother commenting on his sexuality? Anyway, i think that you need to meet for a coffee and talk it out, he is your friend after all.
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