A
female
age
51-59,
*ailChick
writes:Never thought I'd do this but here goes... any advice appreciated...My husband and I have been together over 3 years. I spent the 1st year drumming it into him why constant sexy emails, calls and texts from EVERY ex he's ever had is NOT cool. He even seemed to think I should meet a few of them and that we'd all hang out. Then there were the singles' site profiles...took awhile to find them all. Then to make him delete them.Despite all of this, he treated me as a wife to family/friends/co-workers EVERYONE from Day 1. Financially, emotionally...I thought all the "ex issues" was just typical male sneakiness but still never REALLY believed he'd do anything. He never hid my status from these women. But his attitude was very much "if no one is going down on me, it's nothing to talk about." NOT cool. He's always been rather secretive, too.Finally after another BRUTAL year during which I almost left him a dozen times (he became VERY arrogant on the issue and was developing a bad temper -- no, not physical abuse but definite Scorpio intimidation tactics), I came to believe all that stuff was over. No more women calling, mysterious texts, etc.I recently even said flat out it had been eons since I'd felt the temptation or need to "check" anything... phones, computer histories, etc. I said I felt I could totally finally trust him. In the last year, he's also become unbelievably sweet and supportive and omg, just called TWO minutes ago to say hi. *shock* To the point where I periodically wonder what the heck he's trying to make up for. He's never been a very cuddly guy. Willing to BE cuddled...but rarely takes the initiative.This week I found a fresh singles profile, where he is listed as in "an open relationship" and according to the laptop's history, its messenger has been well used. Naturally, he's never opened this site around me. I got snoopy, and in his facebook, found messages between him and an ex saying that he "still thinks of her always." This woman is 15 years older than me and looks like a hag, btw. Like those old crows that troll around bars in skirts they really shouldn't wear anymore. I found nothing else... however, since it all ends right there, who knows if they've called or seen each other? And this to me, was opening a door. And very wrong. I haven't said anything yet, but the last few times I HAVE had to mention something or just displayed insecurities (drilled into me by our 1st yr for which he has never fully taken responsibility) he was very patient and reassuring. I have no idea how he'd reassure me on this one, since I want to kill them both (I have put up with this for FAR too long....no slouch myself btw...they tell me I look like Catherine Zeta Jones and I work my butt off to boot). I am sooooo unbelievably offended.More points to add to the fun: my family is crazy about him, and his about me and I've just started a new business, and am rather financially dependent on him right now. AWESOME...I feel totally stuck and want to interrogate the pants off him which is absolutely the wrong approach with him. He *smells* accusation and immediately gets Scorpio Italian on me: defensive, arrogant and furious. Think Tony Soprano caught by Carmella again.Feedback, anyway? What the heck do I do here...
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female
reader, NailChick +, writes (28 October 2009):
NailChick is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate the feedback. To address a couple of responses....
"The red flag for me was when you mentioned his "typical male sneakiness." Sneakiness isn't typical in a man of good character. "
Yep, you can tell I've had a few winners, can't you...?
"You make comments that you are a looker and some of these other women are old hags. That sort of makes me wonder a bit about you and how shallow you may be in choosing a mate."
I said that really to indicate that this isn't because I've "let myself go" or like he never gets sex or anything like that. Frankly, I practically wait on him hand n foot, take definite care of myself, am always dressed nice and if anyone whines when our sex life slows down, it's me.
Still pondering what to do...he definitely knows something up, although I haven't actually brought it up directly. I have horrible guilts about checking his Facebook, too and am reluctant to admit it...
...although I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't thought there'd be something to find. If that makes sense. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Hi NailChick!
The red flag for me was when you mentioned his "typical male sneakiness." Sneakiness isn't typical in a man of good character. It sounds like you definitely deserve a guy who treats you better. I vote to kick his sorry ass outta the house! :D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): I may be wrong, but I get the impression that you knew he was like this before you married him and somehow thought marriage would mean the end of it.
You have tried to build a fence around him to keep him from straying by confronting and monitoring his behavior.
This is not a marriage, if you feel the need to do that then you need to let him go.
You make comments that you are a looker and some of these other women are old hags. That sort of makes me wonder a bit about you and how shallow you may be in choosing a mate.
Is he some sort of prize you won at the fair because you are the prettiest farm animal there? Or is he? Because I think working out and looking like a movie star are not the main requirements for holding onto a man and a marriage.
Choosing a guy with character may be important, choosing someone for who they are and not what they look like or for the sake of just wanting to be married to anyone may be a little more important than superficialities that you mention, but the main ingredient is commitment and after that compassion for the other person and then comes love which by the way is not about feelings. It is a conscious decision to be a person worthy of love. To put the other person's needs abouve your own.
I don't think your husband has done that and if there are no children involved, I think you had best divorce, call it a day, become financially dependent on yourseslf or ask for help or get a loan and move on to bigger and better things.
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A
female
reader, NailChick +, writes (27 October 2009):
NailChick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply, anonymous. I feel as though I've been completely stupid.....
...the hilarious part is, I'm the "tough" one my friends come to with questions like this who usually gives a reply like yours: kick his ass out.:(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): I'm sorry if this is harsh, but you only have one life, don't waste it!Leave. Kick him out. Run. Get ride of him. This will not stop. he will not change. This will get worse. He IS cheating on you (listing himself on a dating site IS cheating on your wife). The cheating will escalate.Would your family still be crazy about him if they knew all of this? I highly doubt it. Just because he acts like a great man sometimes does not mean he is a great man. Find a great man.If I were you I would stop trying to get him to take his dating profiles down. He'll just put them back up! I think that its time for you to start putting up profiles of your own...ones that HONESTLY list you as available for a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship!He is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
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