A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is sex without emotions possible? I have only had two relations ships one long term since I was 20-26 and another one short brief 7 months ago- I grew up in a strict orthodox background that was never open to sex outside of marriage or being premiscuous - I was absitinent for three years before I broke and had two one night stands and I broke down - I felt horrible and I didn't enjoy the experience - I tried online dating but my problem is I get too attached when I'm intimate and I view sex still As somethjng sacred. It's been 7 months since my last relationship and I feel like I want sex - I'm 31 and men want to have the casual fling with me but I feel like that never satisfies me and gets me even deeper into a dark hole- is it possible to have sex without being all emotional about it - I've only had three partners and it's been so hard cause in one hand I want to be physical my body wants to but in one hand I can't handle it - any tips ? I
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016): If you can afford it, I think a good therapist could help you sort out what you really want and also what your upbringing did to you.
BTW I found "I tried online dating but my problem is I get too attached when I'm intimate" a bit confusing. Do you mean that you got attached prematurely to the guys you went on dates with?
Best of luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2016): Two points. First, just google "there is no such thing as casual sex" and you will get many hits. Read a few, some will resonate with you, some won't - but essentially they are saying there is always emotion involved.
Second, you are very conflicted. On one hand you really desire sex but on the other hand it makes you feel bad. Why?? The answer is that you feel bad because of what you learned from your parents as a child, teenager and early adult. How you were raised has a huge influence on you as an adult. I think it would help you to delve into this - to really come to understand what is influencing you and to change it if you want to. In this regard I recommend a book called "Home Coming" by John Bradshaw.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 December 2016):
 Yes it is totally possible, although if you are not someone who's got this " knack " naturally I doubt you should purposely strive to cultivate it.
You are who you are. We are all different, each one with our past, upbringing, religion, ( or lack of the same ), personality, preferences , dreams , ideals and vulnerabilities. So, if you already know that casual sex is not for you, in fact you know that every time it makes you feel worse and sends you even deeper in a dark hole, then you have already well clear in mind that in your case the cons of casual sex outweigh the pros, and knowing that you'd be a fool to insist in that direction.
If masturbation is not enough to relieve you, I suppose you'll just have to keep busy in other career and recreation pursuits, and accept that everybody has got their cross to bear, and if the cross is a temporary ( because it's going to be temporary ) lack of sexual fulfillment, well then it sounds bearable, there could be much worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): For some people it's possible, and for others it's not. If it's not for you, don't force yourself into it. Release your energy through other avenues - sports, learning something new, etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): For me, I would not bother with sex unless I had some sort of a connection to a person. It just wouldn't be good for me. Why would I want to go through the motions just to scratch an itch when I can have heart pounding, earth shattering sex with someone I love or care about? I think sex is heightened by the presence of emotions and connection in addition to chemistry. I would never be able to have earth shattering sex with someone I have no connection to, who just might look good. On the other hand, someone who may not look as good but I am attracted to intellectually as well as physically would probably give me the best orgasms ever. I think the spark drives good sex. It is more than physical. You can get off by yourself if need be. I can understand the need for it but I am not the type that can do it and not fall for a man. I will fall in love with him if I have sex with him all the time. And in order to have sex with him in the first place, I need feelings. Personally, my feelings and passion drive my sexual abilities. They make it possible for me to be a goddess in the bedroom. If I had no feelings, it would be pretty mechanical. And who wants that? You gotta go all the way. My feelings are my passion. They make my sexual experiences over the top.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (7 December 2016):
 Yes it's possible, but I don't know if being emotionless about sex is something that can be learned..I suppose it is, after all, we weren't born knowing sex, but I do think social circles influence it a great deal. Most of my friends have had casual sex and I have too. To me, if I need a release I don't think it's wrong to find someone who needs the same. I think your disposition, like your baseline on it, is too far from being at that comfort level, and that's okay! Maybe buy a vibrator?
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (7 December 2016):
 For some people, it is possible. Some people view sex as just another activity, alike jogging or drinking coffee, so the stigma they attach to it could me minimal or perhaps about details of the act that wasn't as pleasing, as in insufficient amount of sugar in the tea. Others don't have any emotions for the human that's giving them the orgasm but hold deep emotions and desires for the orgasm. There are others who deeply care about the look of the person and get emotional if their sex partner is not as good looking as they desire... others only care if they have sex with a person from a particular income bracket, music genre, fashion clique...
In your case, you require somebody to love first if you are to have sex with that person and feel good about it. If so, I wouldn't worry about how others are capable of having emotionless sex. If that does not bode with you, if ONS isn't your thing, don't do it and don't feel bad about. The only thing that you missed by not doing it is regret. Instead, go on dates and find a man that suits you, who fulfills what you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): I was abstinent and practiced celibacy for a year or more after my partner died. I still had sexual-desire, sometimes to the degree I thought I'd go out of my mind. I too attach emotion to sex; but in my younger years that really wasn't the case. That was during my experimental-stage, and while establishing my sexual-identity.
I think it depends on your state of mind and the partner that determines how you feel about the sex. Some people are very attractive and quite desirable; but they may not evoke any real emotional-attachment. I think with or without sex, a person prone to quickly attach; will form infatuations just on the attention they get. Don't blame it on sex.
You were conditioned through your religious upbringing; and feel sex is some kind of sin. You need to justify it to yourself that you're not a bad person for having sex with someone you don't intend to marry. It's virtuous, but not totally realistic at all times and under all circumstances. The mind and body needs what they need; and they will sometimes overrule your virtuous and righteous stance on sexual-behavior. You just have to come across the right or wrong person.
I sense a wee bit of cynicism and self-righteousness in your post. We are all human. I also sense a jab at those who do like sex. It doesn't make them bad people, in spite of your subtle and masterfully-downplayed insinuation.
Be patient and selective. Only submit under the conditions that you feel good about yourself, and when sex is mutually pleasurable. There is no need to change how you feel, and what you want. Just don't consider the act of sex a sin; but consider the frame of mind projected towards the other person; and how the act will affect your self-respect.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 December 2016):
 I think for some it is. For others? Not so much. I have never had a casual fling mostly because I have always had the notion that I couldn't be myself with an almost stranger and that casual sex just isn't for me. I don't judge others who CAN and WILL do it, that is fine, their life, their choice - but for me? nope.
I don't think you can "make" yourself enjoy casual sex if it's pretty much ingrained in you that you are NOT feeling good AFTER casual sex.
I don't see anything wrong in keeping sex within a relationship. So my only advice would be, get out and start dating again, but keep sex till you have found someone you want to BE with and who wants to BE with you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 December 2016):
 If you know you can't separate the two, don't do it.
Focus on anything but men, for a while.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2016): Is casual sex possible without emotion? Yes!
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