A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I just want others input. Helps me analyze things from a different view.I went out with her and she broke up with me. (Basically, she was young. Impossible expectations (please don't judge me like I'm a low life, just take my word on this). Wanted to see what was out there. Etc.) So, I let her go, took me a year to finally meet new people. During that time she went out with some guy for maybe a year and a couple of months. Then he couldn't do what I did (let her go), so he kept on convincing her to get back and it kept on ending badly. This went for maybe more than a half a year.We didn't keep in touch. Fast forward- she broke up with the guy (he stalks her sometimes) and we reconnect. She truly hates him. So, I'm not insecure about this guy and whether there's feelings there.We are kind of rediscovering ourselves, while hanging out and have that connection of the past. We snuggle and hold hands sometimes. Sometimes, when I put my arm around her she reciprocates by putting her head on my shoulder. We had a talk, and she said she's not ready for a relationship.(She does need to get her life together..so not being ready for a relationship has validity.) She doesn't see us getting more serious in the near future. (Am I an idiot for clinging on the key words "near future"?) Still wants to be friends. Aside from her family, she trusts me the most. I'm willing to let go of the past and start anew. But I need something to grasp on to get that start. I do a lot of things to show I care (I think I might be doing too much sometimes). With all the things I've done, she says I have a good heart.Sometimes I think I'm getting too attached. People tell me I should keep my options open, diversify, don't spend too much on her, etc. But, it's obvious, I just want her. So, am I being an idiot?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 April 2013):
 If she truly HATES him, then she is not over him. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference or ambivalence. Since she actively hates him, she’s not done processing her relationship with her ex. Until she is done with her ex, she can’t move forward. You say you are not insecure about this guy, but the truth is, you need to look at her relationship with him as that will potentially give you insight into her relationships in general. Pay attention to any passionate emotions. Love and Hate are on the same spectrum just opposite ends of passion.
She very wisely has told you that she is NOT ready for a relationship. And yes you are an idiot for clinging to the words “near future”. “Near future” could mean anything. It’s a nice way of saying “I am not interested in a relationship with YOU at this time” It may be that she’s not interested in a relationship with anyone (and that’s a good thing for her) but more than likely you are just filler until she’s ready to move on.
She wants to be “Friends” my dear departed mother always said that wanting to be friends was “the kiss of death” of a relationship. I tend to agree with her. I can be friendly with my ex partners. I can be civil with them. I am NOT friends with them. I do not see a need to be friends with folks I have already determined I can’t get along with.
If you think you are too attached to her you are. YOU WANT her. THAT is not going to happen any time soon if at all. AND if it does, it will probably still have the issues that you had in the past. While people grow and mature, at your age, personalities are pretty much set as are habits etc… not much changing going on for people past the age of 25 or so….
I think you would better be served not putting your hopes and dreams on a relationship with this woman.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Did you ever prepare a spagetti dinner?
It starts with dry pasta (spagetti) all straight, in carefully lined-up bundles.... .then you put the stuff in hot water and it gets all limp... and you stir it up.... and it's all but impossible to imagine that it started out in nice, straight bundles....
THAT is what it "sounds" like has been going on with you and this "girl-friend".... It's going to be tedious.... and will take a long time for you and her to put any kind of a "relationship" in order.... It's NOT impossible, of course.... but you and she needs to dial-down the intensity of what IS going on between you.... and what MIGHT GO ON between the two of you.... You've got time... so use it....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 You would be rebound no. 2. When you come back to an ex after playing the field, the relationship has cheapened and you two are just options, not first choice priority. She is only saying not in the near future, because she still has feelings for you and there is no one else yet. When the person is the one for you you have no desire to see what else out there. You have to let her go to make room for a woman who you will be afraid of losing. You get more in return when you stop looking at people as merely options. Options only gives you a safety net that you won't be alone when one relationship ends, but you would be too distracted to devote to only one person. Your partner needs to feel special for the relationship to grow.
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