A
female
age
30-35,
*Ax
writes:Hello,Would you say if this attitude says that my step dad doesn't like me?:- he keeps a mental list of exactly which lights I keep on through the night and how late I go to bed after watching tv.He says I'm wasting electricity but I'm paying for that wasted electricity. I think then I can do what I want? - if mum and I ever argue, he always joins in and defends her, even if he wasn't there so he shouldnt take sides as he doesn't know what was said. he also doesn't go away if I ask him to. - in general, if I make a comment about something, he will always respond with his opinion, which is normally different. Simple talk feels like it should be a discussion. - when I moved out for 8 months, him and I would never see eachother except for family occasions which were about every 2 weeks. So when I move further away, we won't any sort of relationship. What can I do to make it less of a civil relationship and more like a family relationship, as he is finally married to my mum after 10 years and there's no connection still? Is it too late? Thank you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Dear XAx,
Let me address your issues one by one:
1. You say he keeps a mental list of which lights you keep on throughout the night. Does he stay up and watch you or film you? How do you know he keeps this list? Are you wasting electricity? How much is the household gas and electric bill and how much of it are you paying? It would drive me nuts if I had a child in my home that turned on lights and left them on all the time. If you leave lights on in rooms you are not in, or if you leave lights on when you are sleeping, that would bother me too. IF you need a night light, that’s different. But to have excessive lights on all the time, I’d say something to my own child about that. Heck my husband questions me if I leave a light on in the kitchen and step out of the room for more than a minute or two. I am not saying he is RIGHT in how he goes about it… but based on just what you said I wonder what the whole story is.
2. He is your mum’s spouse. It is his job to support and defend her. maybe he’s wrong to defend her if she’s wrong but if he stands by his wife no matter what then he’s loyal and supportive to his wife as it should be. Asking him to go away in his own home is not acceptable in my book. If you and your mom are disagreeing about something and he comes into the room, and your mother is happy to have him support her, well then the only thing you can do is say “I’m sorry I’m feeling ganged up on and I’m going to my own room now” and leave. I would fully expect my spouse to support me as well.
3. Having a different opinion from you and voicing it is not disliking you. He may be trying to make conversation and just has lousy social skills.
4. Not seeing him except at family events when you do not live in his home is normal. IF you want to see him more go see him… call him ask him to go for coffee or something if that’s what you want. My sons do not live at home and only see my husband when we take them out for dinner or have them over for a meal or something. Maybe 4 or 5 times a year. NOT seeing your mommy and daddy regularly is pretty normal for grown ups.
You say he “finally married” your mom after ten years so I sense that there is no love lost from you to him either…
My kids are a bit older than you and have never lived with my current husband and refer to him NOT as their stepdad (although LEGALLY that’s what he is) but rather refer to him as “my mother’s husband” which sounds cold but defines his relationship to them perfectly.
You are 18-21 you are an adult. You do not need a daddy. He is your mother’s husband more than anything. Maybe you are expecting something from him he’s not able, not willing or not comfortable providing?
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 I'm not sure whether he likes you or not. But he doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to be likeable. If I were in his shoes I'd behave differently; I wonder what your mother thinks about how he treats you?
You haven't given us much to go on, but from what you've said I'd think that he's a bit controlling, and that your mother is more interested in keeping him happy than being a good mum to you. Have you told your mom how you feel? Is she not standing up for you?
If that's the case, 'civil' is the best it's going to be, at least for now. They're married, and you're getting on with your life. Down the road things may change. He and your mother will build a life together, just as you will with your husband. Over time, without him having any say in your life, things might improve.
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