A
male
age
51-59,
*irnut
writes:My wife and I have been married for a little over 13 years. We have one child together (Daughter 13), and her son (16) whom I have raised as my own since he was 5. Thats another story. I knew she drank when we met, so did I. We were young, I was in the Navy, and thats the way it was. Even before our marriage began, she took my car (which I was kind enough to let her use while I was out on the ship), and drove to Delaware while drinking a whole case of beer on the way. She told me she went to see her son, no big deal even though I got a busted tail light out of it. I guess I just didnt see the signs then.When we got married she had'nt been drinking because she was pregnant. She began to start drinking when my daughter was about 3. It began with going out after work and coming home drunk. Heres what I've been through since then.She has wrecked our cars while drinking, and I covered for her. She has said "I'll be back in 10 minutes", and come home at all hours of the morning, wasted! She has come home drunk and awakened the entire house with drunken rampages. She has damaged our home, our kids mentality, and my heart. In 2000, She even slept with my step sons biological father, of all things, the day after christmas, while i was home working. She blamed that on the medication she was taking. But, even her family knew what had happened and that she was drinking when it did. She has physically assaulted me on a number of occasions, and I even have had defensive wounds from trying to keep her from destroying our home, or threatening suicide. I certainly could'nt just stand by and do nothing could I? It is now 2008, and I just can't take it anymore. Our neighbors all know that when she drinks, she becomes loud, obnoxious, aggressive, and crazy. They even made her sign something saying that she would stop, or face the consequences. This seems to have had no affect. Since that signing 4 weeks ago, she has drank and drove twice, drank during the week for the last two weeks, and exceeded her 3 beer maximum almost every day. I want to leave, I am ready to leave, I'll always be close for my kids, but I just can't stay anymore. She doesn't wake up in the morning, she has no motivation to succeed in life, and expects me to do it all. I'm through being stupid. I sure hope my kids can handle this.
View related questions:
christmas, drunk, navy, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Vow, I am having shivers running down my spine; this is like reading a horror; I have empathy with you; BUT, the poor children;
If I do say something’s that might hurt it is not my INTENTION to hurt or upset you; I am only going to try and help you with the information as posted by yourself; to the best of my knowledge and ability.
You need to get away from this ABUSIVE marriage;
BUT
You CANNOT leave the children there;
I suggest you have to get her to leave; she needs help URGENTLY; if she does not want to leave on her own accord and get professional help; Vow, this sounds so harsh to type it, I wish I could talk to you in a more compassionate manner;
BUT
You have really very little option; you will have to get the HELP and ASSISTANCE of a SOCIAL WORKER
IF you leave and the kids stay behind; it will be the WRONG thing to do; it will be almost like a COWARD; Please forgive me, I am not trying to hurt or insult;
BUT
These kids have endured as much as you; however, to them all of this is even more traumatic; YOU have to think of them as well;
You have no CHOICE; I am sorry; but you will have to be "cruel to be kind";
You need the HELP of SOCIAL SERVICES; this woman needs to go to REHAB; she needs to be dealt with by professionals; she needs to be removed from the children.
You have to be THERE; you will have to be strong for them;
PLEASE do no walk out on these kids; do not leave them alone with this;
I know and understand you have reached your wits end;
BUT
How must those little ones feel; you cannot turn your back on them.
I am afraid that not even counseling will help at this stage;
You need to pay attention to the children; try and give them some type of security; give them lots of love and attention; and ONCE this woman has been removed from the household; try and arrange via Social Services or your Doctor for the kids and yourself to go for counseling.
I URGE YOU; don't delay; family violence is taking place daily; the risks are to high; the damage and trauma at times
I am so sorry, BUT you have endured this ABUSE for so long; PLEASE try and be STRONG a little longer and DO WHAT IS RIGHT; for YOU and for the CHILDREN.
If you don't know how to reach the Social Services in your country, I am sure the Police will be able to give you there numbers.
Sorry if this sounds harsh; but you cannot RUN without the kids; you have a duty and responsiblity to them; you owe it to yourself and them to ACT NOW;
If ever you need to talk; please feel free; we are here 24/7; Please keep us posted.
My heart is bleeding for you and the kids; my thoughts and prayers are with you;
Best wishes to you and the CHILDREN and lots of SMILES
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2008):
 She has an illness and needs help, desperately by the sound of it. But she has to be the one who takes the steps necessary to get help. I expect you have tried to get her to check into a rehab clinic?
A couple of practical suggestions for you. Get one of those breathalyzer gadgets attached to the ignition of the car. You know, the ones that you are supposed to blow into before the car can be started.
Another thing for you to do is to get you and your children to an Al-Anon meeting. There should be lots of support there for you as you try to cope with this intolerable position.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
And I agree with Emily. It is your wife who needs to leave if she cannot acknowledge that she needs help. Or if you do leave, perhaps you should take the children with you. This is a tough situation, I'm so sorry that I don't have better advice to give you.
Take care of yourself and your children.
...............................
A
male
reader, saltwater  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 Your kids should be the priority here. Kids who see a parent who is aggressive can harm them mentally, so you should think about them when deciding what to do.
You should leave, but you need to be sure that if you do your children go with you; leaving them with your wife would be completely irresponsible; if you have problems dealing with this woman, how are two teenagers (one young) going to cope?
You should also urgently seek professional help for your wife; drinking and driving is totally unacceptable, and she is not just risking her life, but the life of innocent strangers.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (17 July 2008):
If you were a woman then we would be telling you to kick your husband out and change the locks for the sake of the kids.
It's only because you are a man that you feel you have to be the one to leave.
The kids are going to be safer and better off if you stay at home and you tell her to leave and sort herself out for a while. They need a roof over their heads and she will just get evicted if you leave her to continue drinking like this.
Don't let her get in a car again, it's a wonder she hasn't killed someone drinking and driving like that. Tell her she has to go because you cannot let your kids grow up seeing that it is normal to take a beating in a relationship.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
