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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I have been with this amazing girl close to 2 years now. We were friends for 2-3 years before we started dating and we have a great time, rarely fight and I just love her so much. We live very close and see each other every day. We've talked about marriage and kids and living together after we both graduate (I'm 21 and she's 20). Every night I feel the need to see or at least call her. But lately that's not the case. I find myself drifting when she talks to me and thinking about things I have to do today or something like that, and in the beginning I could listen to her talk about anything. I've told her I'm was in a bad mood and she suggested telling a day or two where we don't see each other and I found myself enjoying it and not needing to see her at all at the end of the day. But I also feel generally agitated around people and just feel like there's an emptiness inside me.There's something else. I have a colleague who is a lot like my girlfriend in interests and even such and I find myself thinking about her a lot. This started a few months back and when I told my gf about it she said it was just a crush and people in long term relationships get those and that it will pass. And it seemed like it did, I stopped thinking about her, but now I'm starting to feel the same way. I don't know if my colleague even sees me in that way, but she did recently break up with her boyfriend. Still, I don't want to lose what I have with my gf, I've invested so much into that relationship and I don't want it to end.My girlfriend said we should take a week or two apart and I should give her and answer when we see each other. I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): First off, not many women would just shrug off their bf having a crush on another woman, so all i have to say to that is that you seem to have a keeper right there! I think you may just be bored of the routine. You guys dont have to see each other every day. Try just lessening the communication a bit. And when you catch yourself thinking of the other woman, stop yourself. Imagine your gf doing that to you. Its one of the last things one wants their partner to do. This may just be a curiosity thing, a want for something new and exciting. How about instead of ruining what seems to be a great relationship with your gf, try to change things up with her. Try something new together like rock climbing or vacations or hiking or camping. I have to stress that your gf sounds incredible if she did not react to you having a crush so really cherish the fact that she is not flipping out right now haha oh and when you take a break from your relationship, this usually does not mean you can sleep with the other girl from your work (in case you didn't know this. wouldnt want anyone getting hurt because of a misunderstanding)Good luck! :)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 April 2013):
 Your gf is correct even married folks get crushes on work mates and such. It’s normal and as long as you don’t see it as anything more than a crush it’s not a big deal.
A crush on someone else is not an indication that your relationship is bad or over. It’s just the newness of something, like a new outfit or for a guy a new car, or trying a new food… you like it so you eat it a lot at first, then over time you eat it less and less.
The problem is your age. At 18-21 you are so young and what we want at 18 is not what we want at 21 and what we want at 21 is not what you will want at 25. You are legally an adult but I can promise you that you are not a grown up yet no matter how mature or adult you feel.
While it’s possible that this is just settling down in the relationship, I would be more inclined to go that route if you were 30-35 vs 18-21.
So many folks think that it’s NORMAL to take a break from the relationship they are in and see if it’s still there. This is not how real life works. To me “a break” is the beginning of the end in most cases.
I am married and live with my husband. We sleep in the same bed. There are days now during the week where we have less than 10 minutes of face to face time in any given day due to work, and home chores and our sleep patterns. I am not out of love with my husband but just kind of settled into a routine. Wanting to be with a person 24/7 is not the sign you are in love. In fact, wanting to be with the same person 24/7 is not healthy. We do need time away from our partners. Dinner out with friends, a weekend away now and again…
If you feel empty… that’s a sign that maybe the relationship has run it’s course. If she wants a week or two apart… maybe that’s a sign she’s ready to be done too. It’s hard when a relationship just winds down and comes to an end without a defining moment (like lying or cheating) to help clearly define the end. Sometimes things just fade away and need to be done too. IT’s like knowing when it’s time to throw out your favorite sweatshirt. It’s been with you for years, it’s worn and comfy and it conforms perfectly to your body. You wear it when you are home and sick… but it’s too ratty to wear out in public any more…. It has holes in it. YOU love it and have great memories of it and things you did while wearing it, but it’s time to let it go… it no longer fits right or it’s just not serving it’s purpose… your relationship may be like t hat sweatshirt… great memories.. but it’s time to let it go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): Well, your girlfriend is right. Everyone (whether in a relationship or not) gets crushes, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. Every time you start to think about this other girl, remind yourself that you only like her because she reminds you of your girlfriend. Besides, if you were to be with her, the same thing would probably happen a few years down the road that is happening right now. Your feelings would start to fade, and you would possibly meet yet another girl who would catch your interest. And you'd be right back to square one. Anyway, take the break your girlfriend suggested, and see if your feelings change at all. I do think this is normal to a certain extent. People in long term relationships don't usually stay as excited to be around one another as they were when they first started dating. They get comfortable with each other, and things change a bit. In your case, though, I think something is up from the way you described it. It was like it was all of the sudden, rather than a gradual change. Just out of curiosity, did you start feeling this way before or after you met your colleague? If you didn't start feeling this way until after you met her, then your thoughts about her is what's distracting you from your relationship. You say she is a lot like your girlfriend, so maybe the reason you find yourself thinking of her a lot because she reminds you of when your relationship with your girlfriend was still new and fresh. She has your girlfriend's personality, but is a new face to look at.
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