A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I haven't had sex for a couple of months so yesterday I tried to get things started. While we were in the middle of doing it he kept putting his hand over my mouth, I thought it was like some sort of dominance thing because he was fish hooking my mouth too. But he just stopped and said this is weird and got off me.I asked why and hugged him but because he kept saying I don't know why it made me upset and I slept downstairs instead. This morning he text me and said I was performing and reckoned the reason he stopped was because I was making too much noise and he was worried about his neighbours. It was 10.30 at night, I don't think I was that loud or they were even in their bedroom because it was early.I'm upset but am I overreacting? How would you feel about it?
View related questions:
neighbour, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2019): Yeah I see what you mean. Before I posted this question I wondered if I was mean or overly emotional about this but now I see I feel like anybody else would.
To anon, when you say your husband was an alcoholic does that mean he is still your husband? What happened in the end?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 August 2019):
 See what I mean ?
Alcohol is affecting your relationship because is affecting both his sex drive and sexual performance, both his capacity for emotional intimacy ( Now you feel more like buddies than like lovers ). This is obviously frustrating and disappointing for you, the thickest of men could understand that,.. but, if he did not, you TOLD him already. Yet, he won't make any change to try and make the relationship more fulfilling for his partner too. You did not ask him to quit cold turkey, or to cut his consumption in half. Just to scale it down a bit. But he won't because " he likes his drinks too much ".
You've got yourself a functional alcoholist in spades. Functional , in the sense that he does not get himself arrested , or kicked out of workplaces ( at least I hope ); and considerate too, under other respects. Yet, still an alcoholist who is unwilling and uncapable to curb his consumption if it bothers the woman who he is supposed to love.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2019): My husband was an alcoholic. When we were in our twenties his drinking didn't affect our sex life. In our thirties many times he would become flaccid during sex while I would be enjoying myself. When that happened he would roll off me, make a disgusting noise and roll his eyes at me as if it was my fault. I soon came to the conclusion it wasn't anything I had done. It was his drinking.
I think it was his problem and he needed to place blame on you to cover up his embarrassment. Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2019): Thank you all so much for your responses, some of the things you've pointed out are spot on, you've helped me a lot.
I think drink has a lot to do with this, he's 43 and it seems like it's all catching up with him now. It's no longer fun when we drink together, I used to enjoy myself because we would end up fooling around but it doesn't happen anymore.
I have mentioned maybe cutting back on booze before but he likes it too much. I feel bad because he is considerate in other ways but I suppose we are more like friends now.
He's gotten really defensive about stuff when I tried to talk to him and offended when I ask about porn. He's being really difficult and thinks I'm behaving like a silly girl showing off.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2019): It looks like you two are completely sexually incompatible. Time to move on. This guy is a total wuss. I am sure you can find better. No sex for long periods of time and then add what he did to you, for doing what comes naturally to you? Ot most people? He or both of you have some issues in the relationship and this has carried over into your sex life. Have a serious talk about where you're headed.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 August 2019):
I forgot : no , you are not a bad person for wanting to leave because of lack of sex. For some people sex is more important than for other people , and at some ages and stages in life it is more important that in others. You are a young woman with a medium or high sex drive, if your current partner can't / won't fulfill your needs , wanting to leave an unfilfilling relationship does not make you bad.
But in case you feel guilty , you have another good reason to leave him. He drinks too much. Ergo, he is boring . Every time you go out together, all you do is having drinks. And without even a happy ending :) eventually. How utterly lackluster..
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 August 2019):
In theory ,I find his excuse valid. 10.30 pm is not too early for people possibly being already in their bedrooms, and some people are shy, uptight or simply very private , and at the very idea of being heard by neighbours they would lose all their steam.
In practice, I think it has got to do with a mix of drinking and porn. Heavy drinkers are notoriously not the most passionate of lovers, in fact very often they have trouble having and keeping an erection. Plus, if he got used to porn, he got lazy, porn is fast, easy, convenient, you don't have to worry about your partner's pleasure or reactions. Sex, in comparison, is… complicated. And for a guy who is sort of soaked every night of the week it gets even more complicated.
Yes, he always was a bit of a drinker and your sex life was still good. But , too much alcohol intake has a way to catch up with you at some point , even suddenly- without a lot of warning signs. Plus, of course, if it's a while that you are together, the sheer thrill and raw passion of the beginning has vanished a bit, with familiarity- that's normal, and generally it's not a problem for a healthy young(ish ) male,... but for a heavy drinker with a porn habit… eh.
...............................
A
male
reader, stanliwise  +, writes (21 August 2019):
 All I can say is there is more to his reaction than the eye can see. That excuse of being loud was just too lame.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 August 2019):
 If you weren't all of a sudden screaming or making really loud noises, there is something else going on.
If he drinks daily, do you not think there is something else going on?
I mean I GET having a drink with friend or with a meal - MAYBE a couple of times a week (I don't drink myself so maybe I just don't know...) But to me, someone who drinks EVERY day has issues with drinking or using drink to mask other issues.
Maybe he didn't like that YOU initiated. Maybe he didn't FEEL like sex that day. Who knows? He OBVIOUSLY isn't very good at communicating other than blaming you for something that is pretty normal (making noises during sex).
So if you WANT to know what's really up, TALK to him. OR you can just say, you know what? This isn't working for me and move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 August 2019):
 You leaving him over sex bad? NOPE!! You are a woman with needs, and he obviously does not seem to need1q you, or a physical need to please you.
A guy is more likely to lose interest ina silent woman, than a woman who expresses her pleasure. After all...If you were doing something to a guy, would not want to hear a pleasurable response to your actions??
So...I say mating season just got open. :))
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): Hi OP,
With your update in mind, I just wonder if the 'noise' complaint was a cover for him just not being in the mood or having already exited the relationship.
What you describe is a friendship, you both drink when you're together etc and there's no forward pass from any of you when you get together - that's a friendship.
I don't think I buy the noise excuse to sum it up and I think there's a much bigger issue to address than the sex interruption which may end the relationship once discussed. I do feel for you though as us women need to feel wanted and it hurts to feel rejected.
I hope you get to the bottom of whatever it is.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): No I'm not a screamer, I don't think I was any louder than normal and I wasn't trying anything new.
We haven't had sex for a while because when we do see each other we tend to have a drink. He drinks pretty much every day even when I'm not there.
But he's always been a bit of drinker and we used to have a good sex life. I really miss what it used to be like.
I'm considering ending things over this because I miss having physical contact with somebody, it makes me feel sad, but am I a bad person for ending things over sex?
He could be cheating on me and I know he watches porn but I'm fed up of trying to find out what's wrong. As you say men usually like hearing noise, I don't want to lie there silent.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 August 2019):
I have to ask HOW noisy?
Is it something "new" YOU are trying out?
Or were you always a "screamer"?
If it is NOT something new, then he really didn't want sex. Which begs the question of why, sleeping on the sofa? Why?
Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship, to be honest.
Because WHO cares about the neighbors when you are having sex with your partner? He could have "paused" and put on music or kissed you to "mute" the sounds a little.
Why haven't you two had sex in a few months?
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (20 August 2019):
Hi Op,
Why have you not had sex in a couple of months??
As a man...with free access to sex, and not taking the opportunity...I would say your boyfriend is not really a boyfriend.
I have not known a man yet who does not enjoy hearing his woman make noise of pleasure. So the fact that he does not want to hear you, says he likes hearing it somewhere else. Maybe another woman, or porn. Either way, he is not for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): It's hard to tell, but I'd say that there are also some other things going on.
You said that you hadn't had sex for a couple of months. Why?
You need to talk about your relationship, but be calm and open. Listen to what he has to say. Make him feel like he CAN say it and that you won't get upset.
I understand that you may feel hurt, maybe even rejected. But you need to listen to what he has to say and NOT assume.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko  +, writes (20 August 2019):
 Sounds to me your boyfriend has been brooding on something for a while. Not all couples maintain the standard rate of "twice a week" but I read between the lines you have been without sex for a while against your will.
How to interprete what happend depends on how your overall relationship is going. At least, that is my opinion.
If you have never noticed any form of disrespect or abuse, I would say he probably wanted to bring this up for a long time, didn't dare to and just tried it. If this is the case, he's probably as embarrassed, confused and annoyed as you are.
If, however, there have been instances if disrespect, then both your dry spell and this event might indicate something else.
Nevertheless, this kind of experiment should be talked through before either party decides to act on this desire.
I suppose you will have some thinking and talking to do. Your main issues will be why you didn't have sex for a long time (except if this is a normal pattern), why you had to initiate sex after so long, why this happened, where your overall relationship is going, whether he is an abusive person, ... I guess the answers to these questions are interrelated. I suggest to do some thinking before you start talking.
...............................
|
