A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 5 years recently went on a stag do and went to a strip club. I didn't have a problem with this as he was open about it and stayed in touch whilst away. We have a strong relationship and I trust him due to the honesty. However on a recent night out back home he said they had went to a strip club again and he got a lapdance. This kind of took me as surprise as it wasn't something I expected to happen as was no particular reason for them to go there. He said it meant nothing and it's just a cold service that he felt obligated to do since was with his friends. The same group is due to head out again soon and I'm wondering whether I should bring this up or not? The thought of him having a dance with a naked girl all over him makes me very uncomfortable and just seems wrong. I felt really uncomfortable for a while even looking at him as all I could picture was him with this stripper. I don't mind as much if he's in the club but a lapdance feels like it crosses a line to me. Am I over reacting? Would you let your partner get a lapdance?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2020): Thank you Honeypie for getting back to me.
I agree his answer wasn't what I was hoping for if I'm honest. He said he felt guilty but think he trying to shift the blame onto his mates and the typical guy out mentality which to me a cop out. Even if he was drinking and they pushing it he should have known it wasn't appropriate.
I'm still worried about when they go out next if I should raise this again or do I see what happens?
I'd be lying to say my trust for him isn't wavering slightly with the response received so far however I don't think it's paranoia considering it has already happened and the response I received.
Any advice on how to handle the next steps?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 January 2020):
 Having a conversation about boundaries is healthy.
My only issue here was his answer. That it "happens" like "snaps fingers* magically he was tied the chair and couldn't say, hey, no thanks! to a lap dance.
Is he that weak? That he HAS to follow the "herd"?
Or that "this is part of the "culture" I mean seriously? Strip clubs is a part of culture? ONLY if you WANT it to be.
If that is the only thing his group of friends seem to do on nights out, maybe he needs to consider SUGGESTING something else? Or maybe not go once in a while.
But GOOD for you to tell how it made you feel. I'm a little surprised that he didn't already have a notion that it's kinda on the gross/bot OK thing for a guy who has a GF to do. But I guess he is till figuring things out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): We spoke about it some more and said he felt guilty and looking back on it can assume it wouldn't have been ok to do it but that these things happen on a guys night out. He said it all about trying to keep the lid on it and keep in control but it a culture thing and these sort of things happen when out with guys. He worried the fact I didn't bring it up straight away and felt it could have been a 2 min convo rather than an in-depth convo. He said it will take time to make it feel less awkward but that we've spoke about it and to move on from it and be more open in the future with him.
I'm not sure if that means it will happen again or not but he says he won't do it again now that he aware how much it means to me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): I would dump him so fast it wouldn't even be funny. I would never condone strip clubs though- that was your first mistake. They never lead to good things. If a man was with a naked woman alone in a room and there wasn't money involved it would be cheating, so why does a crowd and paying for it make a difference? It is just paid prostitution, visual or tactile, and one leads into the other (lapdance), and leads into more.
You are naive, as many other women are to think that strip clubs are ever okay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): Original OP
I spoke to him after bringing it up in conversation to say that I felt uncomfortable with him receiving a private dance. He said he won't do it again now that he knows how I feel but thinks I'm being paranoid and don't trust him. I tried to explain this wasn't the case I just don't see it as being appropriate within a relationship or other scenario which he kind of disagreed with saying it means nothing and I was overreacting. He mentioned that he thought he was doing good by being honest but can see why other guys keep it quiet for stopping paranoia. I told him I trust him and want him to still be honest with me and hope he would respect my feelings. He said he won't do it again but that we need to move past this now. I feel horrible now that I've mentioned it and he thinks I don't trust him. It's left an awkward atmosphere between us now and worried it's done damage which can't be undone
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2020): Original OP
Thanks everyone for your responses.
JLS022 that's exactly how I feel! I don't see why it's acceptable in that scenario compared to it elsewhere.
It's crossing a line for me into something that's not suitable when in a relationship that I need to address with him.
We haven't spoke about it before per say more of a conversation around the stag do than any discussion of other times. I think I will bring it up to him before the next night to say to him how I feel and how he responds. If he will respect my feelings or not...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): this Type of behaviour in listing over women , using strippers and even prostitutes harks back to the day when women were literally chattels and their primary purpose was as sexual and reproductive items that’s a man was gaining from a family
The concept is wow look at all the flesh you will be getting . Get excited buddy it’s time to procreate . It’s got nothing to do with the modern concept of commitment between two equal human beings .
This is why in days gone by men would be off ‘having wild bucks parties with women whilst the bride to be would be having some silly kitchen tea where she recurved homewares to fill THEIR home with needed things
All about him him him . Meet the mans need on every front . His need for one last fling ( even though men were frequently ‘entitled ‘ to mistresses , or meet HIS need to assert his manliness ‘ then meet HIS need for her to be a virgin , meet HIS need for her to come to the home equity to run it .
It seems unfortunately that society is slow to catch up to the fact that this nonsense is completely based in double standards and sexism .sure some women try to even this score by behaving like men and having male strippers but this rarely helps
You have every right to your boundaries but remember people often don’t respect our boundaries and we can’t control another . We also can’t overstep theirs . So effectively he has a fight to behave this way if he chooses . You ALSO have a right to a boundary of I won’t be with someone who does this type of thing but it will be up to you to enforce your boundary . No one else . Good luck . Your up against a society who will fight you every angle for men to behave this way . They will say things like ...well what do you expect men to do at a bucks party. As if the mere thought of men behaving in ways that are respectful of women is beyond make imaginings
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): OP, this comes down to how committed you are to your bf and how committed your bf is to you, and whether you are both on the same page in regard to commitment! In principle, I agree with you completely! In fact, you are most generous to even be Ok with your bf going to a strip club. Idk why your bf does not have the balls to say that he is gonna sit right here and watch the dancers, because he loves his gf, and he does not want some hoochie mama rubbing her tits, snatch, and ass on his body! That is what a faithful man does because he cares how the woman that he loves, feels about his behavior! A true man does not knuckle under to pressure from his pals! Do not buy what Wise Owl is telling you! His reasoning means every male teenager must smoke in the boys room! Every recovering male alcoholic must drink, since his pals are drinking! It would mean that no man can walk away from a gang rape, since the other guys are banging this girl! That is bunk bull crap and rubbish! Each man stands alone, as to his actions
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): In a loving, intimate and respectful relationship this would definitely be crossing a line for me. I think you should bring this up to him.
Tell him exactly what you are telling us. It sounds as if he's basically a good guy, so he should have no problem understanding how this makes you feel. It may not mean anything to him but it does to you. He's not obligated to do something that makes you uncomfortable just because his friends are doing it. That's a weak excuse.
Sure, he could do it again without telling you, but remind him that you trust him and value his honesty. If he decides to be sneaky about it just to please his friends, then the onus of ruining your relationship is on him. Eventually you would catch him out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 January 2020):
Honestly, have you told him you find it on the inappropriate side?
And has he so little backbone that if HE doesn't want to do it he can't say no to his friends?
We have have boundaries, doesn't mean your word is now "law" but he can CHOOSE to respect them or not.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 January 2020):
What is acceptable does come down to the individual, but for what it’s worth OP I agree with you. In my mind it works like this - if something is unacceptable without money changing hands, then it’s unacceptable if it is paid for too. So like you, I have no issue with my partner visiting a strip club as essentially all he is doing is looking at attractive women. I have no problem with that in real life, so a strip club is no different.
However, I would not be happy if my boyfriend let a naked woman sit on his knee and gyrate on him at a party or any other situation in which it was just something the woman chose to do, so in my view it’s equally unacceptable in a strip club. Just because the woman is paid doesn’t mean it’s ok. It’s still crossing a line from entertainment to one on one sexual interaction.
I have actually had this conversation with my boyfriend when we began seeing each other and he was really receptive, as it makes it easy for him to know what is ok with me and what is not. If I wouldn’t be happy for someone to do it in real life, it’s too far. So maybe try explaining that to him and see what he says?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 January 2020):
 We're all different in what we find acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. At the end of the day I think it all boils down to how much we trust our partners. Perhaps you need to decide whether you trust this guy or not. If not, then regardless of strip club activity, you need to end the relationship and find someone you DO trust. If you DO trust him, let him have his "fun" with his mates. After all, an hour after it's over, he will have virtually forgotten about it. It's not like he is cheating with the ladies concerned.
Just MY opinion and, as I said, we are all different.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Just explain why lap dances cross your boundaries. Ask him how he’d feel if you had a lap dance from men at a strip club. This is something you both need to be on the same page with. Tell him you appreciate his honesty and you’re fine with him going to a strip club with his friends, but that you’re not comfortable with him getting a lap dance. It’s up to him if he respects and understands your boundaries or if he argues with/crosses them anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): OP for this question
Thank you both for your answers.
I understand that men see this kind of behaviour as something different but I've tried to reason it out however it still sits uneasy with me. I think part of the unease of this comes from one of the members in the group who is consistently cheating on his wife and this worries me what type of behaviour is then being instigated.
We've had the conversation about male strippers before and he knows I don't see the appeal of them. This has really got my under my skin and I know it probably stems from insecurities within myself however I don't know how to manage this without becoming labelled the controlling jealous gf which I don't want to be. I'm struggling to see how I can broach this without putting him in an awkward situation with his friends
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): Here we go!
What do you think should happen at stag-parties? What do you think a group of guys are going to do in a stripclub? It isn't normally something you get permission to do, because the answer is NO! So, you summon as much masculinity as possible, and go! While knowing there will be dire consequences.
They don't cover their eyes, they don't wait in the car until the other guys come-out; and they don't give their girlfriends a minute to minute update of what's happening at the party. Like your beloved whipped-boyfriend did.
He came clean and let you know, he felt pressured to participate. He's with his buddies and the groom. No man just sits there, everyone participates!
Now seriously?!! How much fun could he have had? Knowing you're waiting at home, ready to pounce on him!!! He could have refused to go; and suffered relentless teasing and ribbing from his mates, of how wussy-whipped he is!
If he sat and just watched, all the guys would see him as the rat to spill the beans! The whole point of the party would be junked; because some party-poop girlfriend didn't give her permission. How brave he is! Knowing he will be sentenced to six months of phone-screening, underwear-inspections, no-sex; and dusk-til-dawn discussions about how rotten of a boyfriend he is! It's a wonder any of the guys had the nerve to go!
What now? Will you be sulking and pouting for the rest of 2020? Get a grip, girlfriend!
He has no choice but to show his buds that his testicles are in the sack where they belong. Not waiting at home in your purse, on the side table in the hallway. For your safekeeping!
Under obligation to the group, he went through the motions! Ever-mindful he's in big-trouble; so he didn't get that much fun out of it. This whole nonsense is a dumb male rite-of-passage; and it basically lets all the rest of the pack know that your manhood is still intact. It's frat-boy stupid; but you have to bite the bullet, and deal with it like a big-girl. It would be different if he was your husband. Married-men have no business getting lap-dances! Guys with insecure jealous-girlfriends shouldn't push their luck either!
Most guys would never tell their girlfriends they were going to a stag party, and it would all be a secret undercover-operation. They'd make up a story and proceed to the designated spot. All you would know is the guys went-out to a bar uptown.
I think bridal-parties are equally as bad. You'll get some half-naked muscle-guy grinding his dingdong all over you. Humping and grinding like a dog all-over a bunch of drunken screaming-females stuffing bills into his banana hammock! Like a lapdance at a stripclub is so off the charts!
Next time you're invited to a bridal-blowout, determine if there will be a muscle-bound hot male exotic-dancer doing lap-dances; and grinding his dingdong all over everybody. If that's the ticket, go, and get even! Then don't tell, unless he asks what happened.
Take an extra-strength chill-pill, and let this blow over!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 January 2020):
EDIT (silly auto correct)
"I'm not "in control" of my partner so it would be about "letting" him do this. (for me, at least)."
Should have been :
I'm not "in control" of my partner so it WOULDN'T be about "letting" him do this. (for me, at least).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 January 2020):
I'm not "in control" of my partner so it would be about "letting" him do this. (for me, at least).
I would TELL my partner that I find it inappropriate and NOT OK when he is in a relationship, IDGAF whether he "feels" obligated to his friends or not. A GROWN ASS man should know not that it's NOT cool. It's kinda SLEAZY, so is being in a strip-club in the first place.
Why young women feel that they have to think strip-clubs are now "cool" and that "cool GF's" are OK with their partner going is beyond me. It's the FLESH TRADE.Most young women (and many older too) find the OBJECTIFICATION of women and our bodies reprehension but... strip-clubs are "cool"? I don't get it. Have a SPINE and tell him you don't really want to DATE a swine, Who PAYS women to take their clothes off for money and run themselves all over them.
There is nothing "cool" about it. And seriously, how DESPERATE are these young men to see boobies?
Or pretend to be OK with it. I think being a "limp noodle" that are OK with having a partner that goes to strip-clubs but not OK with having him being rubbed on but a stripper stranger, it's a double standard.
Would he be OK with you going to see Chippendale Male strippers who grind themselves on women for money? I'd ask him if he can't understand why you don't like it.
See what he says.
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