A
male
age
36-40,
*age_Suzuki
writes:There is a little bit of background to this so bear with me. I have been at university for a year and a half now and last year I met a girl. We had some stuff in common (we are part of the same society - it was how we met) and whenever I saw her we exchanged pleasantries. She is very attractive - red haired, tall, thin, big boobs and alternative. But what's better (and more importantly) she is a geek; science fiction and fantasy and computer games... ideal girl.Anyway, after a long time of watching her from afar and never really making my interest known there was a party in our society. I was working up the courage to ask her out (maybe not that night but eventually) but was beaten to it. One of my mates met her for the first time earlier in the evening and had found her attractive. He was shy and a little scared of her but eventually drunk enough to have the courage to talk to her (why are alt girls so intimidating?). For the duration of the night they were talking and of course he got her attention by getting into the final of the air guitar competition...To cut a long story short, I wasn't going to directly compete with him as he is my friend, and they are now dating, and have been for almost 8 months.I think if that had been the end of it, everything would have been ok; you win, you lose. But this year she is living on the same street as me and we have become close friends. With her boyfriend there of course; he was my mate first and a good one at that. We spend most evenings at my house or hers or his - the three of us really really good mates. When we go out it is usually together etc.What is really getting to me is that i am constantly reminded that I probably could have had her if I had asked her first. I know that she finds me attractive (not to cheat with or anything, it was just a passing complement) and she has said that if she hadn't met her boyfriend then I would have been 'on her list' of potential boyfriends, which really doesn't help. I don't want to break them up or anything; they are in love - he treats her very well and she adores him- and I am happy for them; they are both good mates.But it is just painful knowing that I missed out on something good. Being with her as often as I am I know her as well as anyone; she is funny (very dry wit), generous, kind and even though she has been through some tough sh*t with some of her "friends" this year she still manages to be happy.I realise that all that story isn't really a question so; how should I deal with it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Gotta pursue. You're male and it's your job.
Most girls will date worthless guys who make a move on them, at least for a while. And a lot of girls will make the move themselves on desirable guys way out of their league. But not enough girls ever wanna make moves on the type of guys they'll have a decent relationship with.
It's up to you.
A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (18 December 2007):
 You missed the train. I wouldn't like to be in your position though. It is I know eating you up. But ''c'est la vie".
Move on...
we all missed these kind of opportunities.
You never know, may be it wouldnt have worked as good between you and her. may be you will meet some one who is even better.
It is always good to be the good.
They always win, at least, in the hearts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): One word, flirt. Just do a little playful flirting and maybe if she likes you she will take it further. Don't make your flirting to obvious so her boyfriend notices. If she doesn't take it further when you have tried it a couple of times then leave it, she doesn't want to be with you.
Or you could give them time and they may break up and you can help get her through it and your friendship will grow stronger. And then maybe she will want to be more than friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): There's a few sayings that immediately sprang to my mind when I read your question:
'He who hesitates is lost'
'He who dares, wins'
'There's plenty more fish in the sea'
Eve's advice is brilliant as usual, but if this girl sticks with your mate there's not a lot you can do about it, so you'll need to turn your attention elsewhere and hope you find another potential soulmate with the same interests as yourself.
Even if she splits with your mate it would be difficult for the two of you to get together seeing as she's already had a relationship with your mate, because he might not take too kindly to that.
I think you're probably destined to remain just friends whatever happens. But that's no bad thing. Really good friends, that is those that would drop everything for you and vice-versa, are very hard to come by and even at the age of 59 I can count mine on just two fingers!
Phil
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 December 2007):
 I think she's used to having around and it's obvious she likes your company as well as her boyfriend's. If I were you I would make myself scarce for a little while. If she asks you what's the matter just tell her you've been busy and have had things to do. This will test her feelings as to whether she MISSES you and prefers you to her present boyfriend. It's a delicate situation though as her boyfriend is also your best mate so treat carefully here.
It may be that your departure will bring them even closer together... but it might also let her see that she in fact liked you more than just a friend, enjoying your company and missing you when you're not there. It will test HER feelings for you and you'll find out one way or another.
If she chooses to remain with her boyfriend despite your not being there then she's happy with him and you need to respect that and let them get on with things and remain friends. If however she misses you more than she knew then she'll continue to ask about you and continue to get in touch asking you what's the matter etc. but you still would need to take things slowly until she decides to end things.
It's just a waiting game just now but I'm sure if you take your leave for a while, then things will sort themselves out one way or another. Let me know how it goes!
Eve
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