A
male
age
26-29,
navykadet
writes:Ok, let's start from the beginning.My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost six months. We are very close and we love each other dearly. We also see each other almost everyday.My problem is that she is more "open" then I am. She is the first person I've had sex with and it was she who prompted me to kiss, caress, fondle and ultimately have sex with her. We had sex within the first few times we dated and we had not officially called ourselves a couple yet when we had sex.It may be no big deal to many of you who read and answer this, but to me it is a big deal and it is a big deal to most people in my country/society.The trouble started when I realised that she was so "easy" and it got worse when I found out she has had multiple boyfriends in the past whom she would also have had sex with. Once while having sex there was a look of stark terror on her face and she started crying. She said something reminded her of a bad memory and she kept muttering, "you won't hurt me right?"I was horrified and angry that someone may have hurt the girl I loved. But it also got me thinking, "what could she have been doing in the past?"Yes the past is the past but I cannot find myself to accept her "flings." She is serious in our relationship but I cannot bring myself to look that far ahead at this time. But I don't want to loose her either.Recently I got this thought in my head that if she can't bring herself to tell me the truth and perhaps calm my curiosity and hurt feelings then the only way for me to accept her past is to HAVE a past.As you know I haven't had sex before this, so our relationship is in an imbalance. I keep thinking about her past partners, some which she still keeps in touch with. I got it into my head if I created a past for myself, as in had sex with someone else then we would be "equals" and then I wouldnt worry about her past anymore.But by doing that would mean that I would be cheating on her. At first I didn't want that, but I want our relationship to endure. And with her past hovering in my mind, and her "open-ness" on top of that. This relationship will break. So I have sort of made up my mind to cheat on her (though the reason is not to hurt her feelings, but to save my own)Would appreciate comments/feedback/counseling. But pls don't say the "past is the past" because it is not. The past defines the present and future.Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): me and my girl are in the same position. weve been together for 17months now. im sorry my written english is of a poor standard.- she was my first ever and she has had many sexual partners in the past. she has tried to help me but it still not changes the way i feel.-to say 'the past is the past' and makes her who she is is today is not helpful because people in this guys position and my own are confused about their own self-worth because they know they never own their girls mind completely. the pain is many a time unbearable and i oftentimes want to end things but she says she loves me and is scared of lonliness. you also forget that he says he wants the relationship to endure - but we also know we can't live like this but at the same time dont like to hurt anyone who we love.
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 Yes, the past has made her the wonderful woman she is today! Does she know you are harboring all these negative thoughts on things she has shared with you? A real relationship is about having a partner you can be open with that is safe and non-judgmental.
Are you from a male dominated society? Because this would make sense.. but if you think this way, you need to pick a virgin so you can feel more secure and less threatened.
The only thing that is going to ruin this relationship is you- you think she's easy and you want to cheat.
How are you close to her are you if you are hiding so much? I would be horrified if my boyfriend thought this of me and was planning this! Good for her if she's holding back the full truth, the last thing she needs is someone raping her past.
Interesting that you think she is hiding things when your agenda is so hidden. I know this is probably very difficult for you, but she loves you and is being honest with you although you are not- that's the real imbalance.
I am being very blunt with you and that is because of the potential harm you are doing to this person you say you love. I really think you would be much happier if you picked someone from your country/society.
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