A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HI all,Since my gf started to tell me bits and pieces oh her past, i couldnt let my mind not think about it...I'm a guy who is not very lucky with women, im very choosy and always never wanted to settle for a normal girl..., but i slept with 2 girls which i didnt like.I'm with this girl for 7 months now, and since i met her i knew she is not a virgin and im fine with it but when she started to tell me some dirty stuff about her past, i began to think about it like every single day!. She told me that in her college days, she was with a guy that they sleep together for almost every day non stop (unless she had a period), they went to the beach and had sex there, then her affair with a lecturer..etc.i didnt ask most of those details, but since she starts topics about her past, it makes me so curious to know more, one day, a guy sent her a normal message online, asking how she is, i read that message and asked her who he is, she said he was a guy she knew at a house party, and they only kissed, then i felt uncomfortable and asked her if she did that with other guys also, then she said, she was a "swinger" and had flings, some didnt end up in bed!!.She had 4 bfs and im the 5th, we live in south east Asian culture and its too much for a girl to be so promiscuous.I know im being unfair, and feel somehow inferior to her sexual past or relationships, some times, i become envious that she enjoyed life to the fullest, sex drugs and drinking..., i even obsess about places she is been to in that period of her life ( college times) names of people she was with, i even saw the guy who used her in her college, it hurts me even though he had a gf and didnt want to commit to her, she was still with him!It makes me feel so low when i think about those things about her, i know it stupid and they say "leave the past in the past", i tried that but still cant cope with it.She expects me to get married to her, she love me like crazy and i love her two, but when im away from her i started to think about her past! Shall i choose option A, which is to be with her and try coping with her past, or option B, which we both will get hurt and i try to forget that i know her!?, but then somtimes i think that is it easy to find a girl like her, because she is so sweet and nice to me.
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affair, drugs, her past, period, sexual past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): The emotions that you are experiencing in this situation are highly understandable. You can take a lot of comfort in knowing that you are the guy for her, she has expressed to you that she wishes to be with you and from the sounds of things you have a very good and happy relationship. The important thing is to talk through concerns that each of you may have. You can choose to acknowledge my advice or completely ignore it but i promise you that if you need anything i will try and help as soon as possible. Just please be patient and try to see tne future, you and her can be married, loving and forget about everything. Just try and push on. =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): I know this is an old post. I have been trying to help others out there who are browsing these posts understand their feelings and situations. Many refer to being jealous (spelling) about your partner's past as Retroactive Jealousy. Whether it is your wife of many years or your new girlfriend. There are many factors that influence your situation. How much you know about your partner's past. What types of relationships they had. (Long term, flings, One night stands, 3 ways, orgies, etc...) It all changes the intensity of these emotions. Your own perception of yourself and your self esteem/ego also increase or decrease your feelings about this. Finally your own past. I have noticed that the partner who does not have a past at all, or a very limited past usually has the hardest struggle because they don't have that experience to look back on. I didn't have much of a past myself. I hadn't found anyone to have a relationship with. The situation that propelled me into a dark depression includes finding letters that had explicit details of sexual experiences and my partner had both long term serious relationships. (She was almost married) and some Drunken mistakes. She was involved in some drugs before I met her and this makes it even harder because I don't do drugs and never did. Alcohol was my only drug and it was in moderation. College was a dark time for her, and I can't even see pictures of her school without hurting. I can't even go to her hometown without hurting. I find that time does help, but there is another factor that will hinder your progress. Triggers, things that blatantly or indirectly remind you of her past. For me it's still living in the area where she grew up. Running in to her old boyfriends and of course her University. I should move but our families live in this area. Good luck to all of you with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009): OK. So before I say anything too mean I gotta say that I understand that in Asian cultures women should not be permiscuous. That is understandable. I have to ask the question though... Are you writing this from an Asian country? Because if you wrote this post in the USA then I am justgoing to call you a pussy. Women can do whatever they want whenever they want. If I met a girl who I was absolutely crazy in love with and she had sex with 10000 men and did not have any STD's and stayed loyal and honest to me then I would not give two shits about who she had sex with. People (men and women) are allowed to have sex with whoever they want. I feel like all of you guys are just big babys and very disrespectful calling your own girlfriends sluts. Get over it you WIMPS they are with you now...Live for today... becuase the past IS the past... As long as you are happy now why screw that up by thinking about something that happened years ago? It is stupid and just putting a damper on the relationship as a whole. So guys.... just shut up, stop crying, and enjoy the time you have with your girlfriend..
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reader, ithinktoomuch  +, writes (15 October 2009):
I haven't even asked how many guys my gf has slept with but i imagine it to be quite a few as ive heard of her past and she has slept with one of the ex friends i cannot stand and that drives me insane when i think of what he did to her. I can't stop thinking of these things sometimes and it hurts so much because i love the hell out of my gf. she has quite a few close guy friends, i dont like the sound of that. I also wonder what these guys are thinking and if i can or can't trust her. I know i can't trust them, they are guys I know how terrible some can be. she tells me she wants to marry me and spend forever with me. she dresses provocativly. I get anxious too much, i fear my heart will explode because of how fast my heart beats and hard too.. its just something i want out of my head. I think you just have to trust them. Its hard to know what they are keeping from you, especially when they say somethings you could totally take out of context. I can't stand these things either but i think that to erase the past and everything else and looking at your love and her love and your trust. Even if your wrong in the end, but then again nothing works for me so I can't answer your question..
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): I can relate to all people on this subject. I have been rather fortunate that i have had a healthy sexual past. I do somehow feel though that this is nothing compared to my girlfriend. not in the number department, but more on the intimacy level, and her experiences with those boys. She is constantly hit on by guys, even when i leave her for seconds. She has a very flirtacious nature as do i but in a healthy way as i know she wouldn't do anything.
I somehow cannot get over this infirority complex that i have built up in my head. i was stupid enough to browse her facebook page and discover some info that was highly sugar coated. whether she did this for a/protect my feelings, or b/hide the truth about her most recent relationship i'm not sure. i do howevr feel like most scandilous things i've been told are now just a pg version of what in my mind is raunchy as anything.
I know this girl loves me and i honestly can see myself being with her for a very very long time, who knows even forever, but i know if i mention this stuff she's gonna get massively annoyed and probably hide even more stuff from me. frankly i can get over it pretty fast when I'm her company and out and about, but when left to my own devices it's way out of control and driving me crazy.
it is nice to know that i'm not alone on this one, but honestly is there a way i can just shut this off in my head? any hel would be mucho appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): My girlfirend was a swinger up until I met her. She had been into that lifestyle for years. She slept with about 25 guys, and 10 women. I was very upset to find out about this.While she was swinging she had sex with more than one guy at the same time, sometimes with other women involved too. Knowing that she's had 2 guys in her, literally at the same time just grosses me out. During a short breakup with her, she slept with a few more guys. I still lover her but I know that in the long run, I can't stay with her because she was such a slut. I the long run, women like this are good for a short while but not as long term relationship material.
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reader, navykadet  +, writes (26 February 2008):
hey man,I asked a very similar question to yours and I, like you, have also been brought up in an Asian way of thinking that girls should not be overly promiscuous. In fact, it is frowned upon on guys as well.For me, I found out that a lot of what she did to me/we did together early in our relationship is similar to what she did with they guy she lost her virginity to.Well obviously this doesn't make me feel any better. And at times I really wanted to break up with her, it's been 5 months now and we're still together.The way I see it, yes she is a slut if u want to call it that, having slept with many. Shown her naked pictures to boys, gotten drunk and kissed strangers. You name it! I on the other hand have never slept with anyone but her.But to break up is not too smart at this point i suppose. For one thing we love each other, and she really does love me so much, probably more than I love her. and 2nd, well, not many girls are "wild." And while having a wild one as ur GF can be painful, there are also its rewards as in they are more adventurous and overall better sex partners. I want to marry my GF, despite her past. But I have another opinion too, if u read my own question you will see what i mean and what a twisted person I have become from sheer stress from this relationship.The choice is yours, break up if u must, or enjoy what u get from it. Just ask urself this one thing, did u fall in love with her before or after u both had sex? This is an important question. For me, I dare say, I fell more in love with her after sex. Not a good way to begin a relationship, but its too late now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): Well, I was in the same situation when I met my current wife 28 years ago. We had both been married and divorced from our only sex partners at that time. However, in the 3 years after her divorce and before she met me, she slept with 10 guys. She told me about it because she felt guilty and I have sometimes struggled with this over the years because I was brought up to think of a woman such as this as a slut. However, like you, I loved her and she loved me and I decided to stay with her because this was her only real "fault".
For both her and me, staying with her was the best decision that I ever made. However, I still struggle with my feelings about her promiscuity at times. For me, your option A was the right choice. It makes me sad when I am bothered by her past, but it makes me even more sad to think that I could have spent the past 28 years without her had I chosen your option B. You will have to decide for yourself, but for me option A was the best choice. I may have found someone even better if I had just moved on, but from what I have seen in some other women, I think that it would have been unlikely.
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