A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am worried about my sex life with hubby, we have a difficult sex life anyway mainly due to him masturbating since being a boy, he is now 48 and we have been married for 29 years, I only recently found this out, and he was watching porn behind my back but says he has stopped all that, he did not have sex with me for a long time and it was difficult to get back on track but he did, this was because he had conditioned himself to the porn and masturbation. He looks at all women when we are out, I mean really keeps looking at them, earlier this year he went to a strip club and propositioned the stripper for oral sex, thankfully she refused. It was at this point that I packed my things and was leaving him, I'd had enough, he begged, he cried, he pleaded with me to stay and told me he loves me and would do anything, even go to counselling, so I stayed, we went to counselling, only the once, he would not go again, she told him he was a sex addict and should get some help, but she also told me that he was in denial and did not think he was doing anything wrong, well he hasn't done anything about it at all. Now back to our sex life, it is always only one position, with him at the back, never any foreplay beforehand, never has been so that's not changed, he says I feel loose down there in any other position, is this just an excuse, I have been to see a gyny about whether or not it is too loose and guess what, no it isn't. In the past sometimes during sex he has lost his erection, now I know this can happen to men at anytime for reasons like stress, being tired etc I have never made an issue of it. I now wonder if this was why he turned to porn, I do not get any proper answers from him if I ask him, well after the stripper incident he was as horny as hell, no problems, it has been a few months since and now on the last couple of occassions he has lost it during sex, one time he finished by hand, I was there, the last time he was determined and after a short break managed it, but it was difficult for him. I have not spoken to him about it I don't want to make things worse, but I am worried that he is just bored by having sex with me, even though I suggest things like dressing up for him he is not interested, if I wear stockings and suspenders he doesn't bat any eyelid but if he gets wind some other woman is, he is very interested, he admits he still fancys me but is he telling the truth? he has also admitted to me that he likes younger girls between the ages 20 to 25, he likes their bodies, and when we are out he is looking for girls in jeans with nice shaped bums, he even points them out to me, he goes all ga ga in the company of younger women,is he having a mid life crisis or has he turned into a perv or should I just quit worrying about him and leave and find someone who is interested in me, I am still slim and attractive so what is the matter with him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): I am the original poster of the question and thank you all for your replies, the one from anonymous hit the nail on the head, you are right his head is full of fantasies, he does not share them with me, he will not let me turn him on, when he wants to have sex he just says "fancy having sex" and he is already erect, I do not know how to reach him, I do think he loves and I love him though it has been difficult to love him with the feeling of rejection all the time, I will try to talk him again.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 Hi,
It does sound a bit like a middle age crises to me. However this is not to excuse his behaviour towards you which is outrageous.
I simply don't buy the "my girlfriend/wife is too loose" comment which we see a lot of here. I've had one girlfriend who was very tight and it wasnt much fun as we would have to wait several days for the bruising on my willy to go down after sex. I think he is using the "she is too loose" excuse to account for his lack of abilities in the bedroom. He obviously is not a lover who satifies you very much with his selfishness in the bedroom, so in a way he is punishing you for this thinking that a younger girl will be more to his liking. Let me tell you there arent too many younger girls who will put up with his lack of skills in the bedroom these days - girls expect a lot more these days. And so should you.
Perhaps a trial seperation is on the cards, maybe you need to show him the door so he can stop putting the blame on you and start to take a good look at himself instead.
You say you are still slim and attractive , hell, there is nothing hotter than an experienced mature woman, maybe its time he realised this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): He is not having a mid life crises but he is an immature guy trapped in a body of an older man. Thankfully, he is not gay. But due to his fear of intimacy and a sexual dysfunction (retarded ejaculation), he turns to an easy fix, that is porn and masturbation. He is in denial. And he denies it by not having sex with you because if he did he would have to face the problem and actually deal with it. Unfortunately, he has problems and he needs a loving understanding and firm partner to keep him on the path to recovery. He has to stop masturbating alone, do it together. Go to the strip club with him and dance on his lap. He has a fear of intimacy. I bet he is full of fantasies but is afraid to let them be known to you. Try phone sex with him. Be somebody else (a stranger) and ask him questions about what he likes and you will get a better idea about what he wants. I bet nothing turns him on because he does not allow you into his head and his head if full of his fantasies that he does not share because he cannot/ does not know how to open up. Unfortunately, this period will be hard on you because there is nothing wrong with you, you are ready to have a healthy sex life but he is not. Good luck! If you don't have it in your to work with him and if he is not willing to cooperate after admitting to something, then there is nothing you can do but move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): If your husband won't get counseling then you might want to tell him you are leaving for good, this does not sound like a marriage to me and you certainly deserve better....he has a lot of hang ups around sex and it is not your job to fix him, it is his....if you are miserable then cut the ties if you have tried everything else short of hanging from the ceiling naked
If you have kids, then by all means try to work it out, try until you know you are sure you want to end it.,,,or until he starts behaving normally.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 This behavior is unacceptable. You should leave. No one is perfect, and some people slip a few times, but this behavior is persistant. I'm sure you could find someone else who thinks you're the sex!
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