A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm so worried my boyfriend is cheating on me. At the same time I'm reluctant to fit the whole paranoid-woman stereotype, but I can't help it.For starters, he cheated on his girlfriend before me. Multiple times, with multiple girls. While I didn't exactly think this was stellar behavior I was willing to give him a pass because I didn't think their relationship was very happy. But now I just worry. For one thing, when said ex calls, he leaves to answer the phone. Not only does he leave my room so I won't hear, he leaves the house so my parents won't hear. For another, he seems to have no problem with the concept. Once when we were talking about Tiger Woods he said 'anyone who marries Tiger is stupid for thinking he won't cheat. He can have any woman he wants, why would he settle for just one?' In another conversation, he mentioned his frustration that men get ostracized for cheating on women; he said he thought monogamy only existed to make women feel better and there was no point to it. I replied that men don't like it when their partners cheat either -- he immediately stated that women don't need sex like men do, so they should be ostracized.In every other respect he gives me no reason to worry; we're very affectionate with each other and the sex is great. We're very liberal with the I-love-yous.I don't know, am I being paranoid? I'm just so tired of not trusting him. :(
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male
reader, manchild +, writes (20 May 2010):
There are some pieces of evidence you're being ignorant to, and I feel that too many women are blind to some 'obvious' facts. You say"For starters, he cheated on his girlfriend before me. Multiple times, with multiple girls. While I didn't exactly think this was stellar behavior I was willing to give him a pass because I didn't think their relationship was very happy."This sentence (for men or women, gay or straight) should read, "for enders, I immediately dumped the a$$hole when I found out they had cheated on anyone, in the past or with me". Stand up for yourself! Nobody should be forgiven for cheating. People could be forgiven for involving themselves with someone who isn't married but is in a relationship, but if you've pledged mutual exclusivity to someone, ALL IT TAKES is a simple phone call to that person that the mutual exclusivity is over before you go f*cking someone else. Even a text or email should suffice. Only a weak or inconsiderate person is capable of cheating, and only an even weaker person with no self-respect will take a cheater.Why would you pledge your own monogamy to someone who has cheated, (IS a cheater). It's something that doesn't go away, just like murder. You don't say, "oh he murdered his mom, but they didn't seem to have a happy relationship. He's safe to hang around now, he doesn't murder anymore." A person who murders is branded a murderer, as a person who cheats is a cheater, forever.On the other hand, your (hopefully EX!)boyfriend is absolutely right when he said'anyone who marries Tiger is stupid for thinking he won't cheat. He can have any woman he wants, why would he settle for just one?'David Letterman, Tiger Woods, Michael Phelps. If you have money and fame and a functional penis, you're going to bone LOTS of women. I think he's wrong about "monogamy only existed to make women feel better and there was no point to it." because he should have the empathy to see that a violation of monogamy from your side would suck. I'm sure hot rich female celebrities also f*ck shamelessly large armies of common men.When he "stated that women don't need sex like men do, so they should be ostracized." I'm not sure I agree with him all the way. I think that so far in my pathetically small sample set of experiences, the girls i've been with have nowhere near the sex drive I have. One said she had had sex 3-4 times a day in her past relationship, but I consider that to be a normal everyday sex drive for anyone reasonably healthy. None of the girls I've been with have had the endurance in bed to satisfy me, nor the frequency or intensity that I have. Also, I have to point out that on a biological level, women have nothing to gain from f*cking any man other than the alpha male, and are physically incapable of taking seed from more than one male per 9 month period. Sorry ladies, you have nothing to gain from cheating. I've heard the idea that women can secure more attention and resources for their child by sleeping around, but I don't buy it. It should have been obvious for all of human evolution that a child is or isn't your own, and if a guy cannot recognize his own progeny, he's probably too dumb to realize the connection between sex and offspring, so the girl doesn't need to f*ck him to convince him to be act like a father. Realize that men's biological imperative is to impregnate ALL of the fertile females in his world, and that woman's biological imperative is to align herself with the most successful/likely to rear successful offspring/most dominant/richest man. Sex is a war, and men like Tiger are winners, they are NOT going to settle for one woman unless she's very tricky and smarter than him, or hopelessly hotter than him.I will never marry unless there's a girl 2 points higher on the scale of 10, basically a 10/10, and she'd have to be at least as smart as me, and hopefully 1 or 2 social classes richer. Otherwise, marriage is a losing move for me. I'm bored with girls because they're dumb, and I realize most men are dumb, but I happen to be very high intelligence, so I can't feel like an equal around any woman who's not stellar. Do a google search for "IQ men women data" and you'll see several different studies finding men's average IQ is 3-5 points higher, and in most studies men's IQ has more variance. The crazy part about this is how many more men than women are in the highest IQs at the top part of the bell curves. When whatever girl I'm with goes over the hill, I plan to trade in my 40 year old for two 20's. Who knows, maybe someone awesome will come along and keep me interested, but I doubt women's powers because I haven't seen any yet.You're sound incredibly insecure, dump this dude, stop worrying and find a boy you can handle. It's really easy for a girl to completely own a guy's mind, as it's what you're evolved to be great at, try being sexy and confident and having a life. Also, NEVER, EVER pledge monogamy to someone who has cheated. EVER. EVER!
A
female
reader, ChantillyMarie  +, writes (29 December 2009):
To be completely honest, he sounds like one of those jerks that simply think, "I'm a man, I can do whatever the hell I like, Because I've the penis, and women aren't as important as us." And I know a lot of those kind of men, they cheat, and they're horrible friends, but hey. Moving around alot like I do, gets you meeting those kinds of people.
If I was you, I'd talk to him about it before, but I doubt he's going to change his way, and he cheated on his girlfriends before, you with multiple people? Why are you even with him? Didn't it occur to you, men like that don't change till they're older, and just because a relationship sucks doesn't give anyone the right to cheat, sure you can, but isn't the more responsible thing to do, is to end the relationship?
But that's me and my opinions, you may or may not agree. But I'd get rid of him quickly if I was in your shoes, but I'm not, so I hope I helped.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 December 2009):
 No, I do not think you are being paranoid, you are just being played with. He has clearly stated his thoughts and that's the kind of man he is. You simply cannot make a silk purse from a sow's ear.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (29 December 2009):
 I sometimes tend to leave the room when im speaking with someone on the phone. Its simply becaue its private conversation and a discussion may be brought up that could be overheard. its also rude when staying at a guests house speaking on the phone in front of them.
Its tricky but based on your tiger woods conversation he's basically implying that its okay to cheat.
Yeah, some women don't need sex like men do, but there are a hell of a lot that do!
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A
female
reader, lovelife1437 +, writes (29 December 2009):
It's time for to you take a long deep breath and say goodbye for good to this guy. It is clear in his comments that if he cheats on you later on, then it would be a "I told you so" since he did say "women don't need sex like men do" and that "monogamy only existed to make women feel better." Unless you have a relationship where sex is casual and doesn't mean much and just for the sake of sex, then more power to you in this relationship. Otherwise, it's definitely not healthy to be with someone that have such a biased view in regard to sex and gender for that matter. Listen to yourself, you're "tired of not trusting him." As much as you don't want to hear it, if you're not yet paranoid, you will become paranoid if he continues to have these perceptions. Don't try to change him because people don't change, or very rare, so try to be with someone that makes you happy and not paranoid. Trust is crucial in a relationship and without it, it's just paranoia. Good Luck! :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): If it bothers you so much then why are you still with him? Either you find proof that he is cheating or leave him because he makes you uncomfortable.
Also you can't possibly expect for him to change somethings that u may dislike. I'm just saying that he talks to his ex but maybe it's just talk. The conversation he has with his ex-gf is private and you and the parents in question have no right in hearing what he is talking. The same goes for women and I respect my gf's privacy. Somethings may bother me but if I question her about it I hope she will tell me. If she hesitates then I will explain to her that it makes me worry and I hope our argument there after will lead to something that works out for the both of us.
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