A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi my husband and I are both 31 with a 4 year old daughter. Long story. I found out I was pregnant early on in the relationship and after I had lost my job. Lived with the in laws and my MIL and SIL are VERY INTERFERRING. I get post natal depression because so many things so wrong.I studied and tried everything to get work but couldn't. My father made HUGE promises to help us out if we needed and that he would sell his vintage car. We moved out into my SIL place and my in laws were going to gradually increase the days with us and our daughter. I tried everything to get work but couldn't. My dad lies that he made these grand promises to sell his vintage car to help us out. My parents inherit twice and knowing that we're struggling, all they care about is going overseas on two holidays, both taking two months. As always all my dad cares about is going on holiday. My husband works long hours but its not enough to cover the expenses.We have to move back in with my in laws because we can't afford the place. My SIL is controlling and threatens to keep my child. She says she is a better person "because she earns more money". Constantly threatens and screams me in front of my child. My in laws do nothing. I end up leaving and needing my parents help getting my child because my in laws don't let me be alone with my child. Yet they allow my abusive sister in law too.I go back to my parents. But they use my husband against me because he's still living with them at that stage.He promises me that they won't take legal action and they'll kick my sister in law out.I don't know what to do. I made the worst decision and trusted them. I go back and I get a letter saying they're taking me to court and taking custody. And they don't kick my SIL out. I was horrified and didn't know what to do. I went home with my parents. And my in laws kicked out my dumb husband after they got what they wanted- my daughter. And my SIL is still living there, even after threatening and calling us a mooch many times. My husband talked me back into coming back to him. But I just have too anger. I don't understand how he can be that stupid. That he thought it was more important that his parents destroy our family, than for us to be with my daughter. Now I have to be supervised by my in laws. Which is atrocious.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): Sorry I made a mistake- my daughter is almost 6. I feel like my in laws set me up. They didn’t tell me until after I married that my husband has Aspergers. All I wanted to as what we agreed upon- to have the days slowly increased with my daughter. Instead all I got from my husband was “i don’t care, that’s your problem”. I think I have the right to be angry at them- they lied all throughout the court process and they manipulated us into this mess, when we weren’t financially.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 November 2019):
 How actually old your daughter is ? In one of your posts back in Nov. 2015 you describe her as a " toddler " ( so, 12 to 36 months... ) how come that 4 years later she is still just 4 ?
No, I am not nitpicking , just trying to stress the following :
- it's not, or it should not be, really a matter of what you want or what your husband want or what your MIL wants- it's a matter of what's in the best interest of your child, and any Court or Social Services or CPS would think along these lines too. Suppose that your child is over already 5 or 6 , so has started preschool, or elementary… and/ or suppose that the only regular home and family life she has known so far , is with your in-laws- it makes total sense that this arrangement should be perturbed as least as possible, and that you should try to get along and cooperate with what your MIL says/ suggests,- since SHE is de facto the primary caretaker -, also in terms of visitations lenghts and frequency.
I am a bit concerned because I see a lot of focus on being right and " winning " against the b...hy MIL, rather than on your child physical and emotional welfare.
If, for whatever reason ( situations / hardships created by yourself or by others, that does not really matter ) you are not able to take proper care of your child,- then your MIL is not " interfering ", she is stepping in and filling a potentially dangerous parental void.
You have not got a job, and, in your opinion, can't find one; your mental health is not in shipshape , you don't have a stable roof to offer to your daughter ; your husband is, for whatever reason of his, work related or not, basically absent , uninvolved in raising this child and uncommunicative with his own parents; you are struggling financially. Then, again, your in -laws are not
" interfering ", they are taking over the duties and obligations that you and your husband can't find a way to fulfill ( and this is not even a
new or temporary thing but it goes on since many years ! ) Just for this reason you should : a ) be grateful for their enormous contribution, even if not offered in the forms you'd want ; b ) be smart and rather than antagonizing them, try to work WITH them on whatever issues arise c ) be responsible and really think what ultimately is best for your child 's safety, security and happiness, rather than for your own ego ( or your MIL's ego , of course- I am sure she has one too. )
Another thing : from your posts we can see a certain inclination to blame people. Whatever happens, it's always
somebody else's fault : social workers don't help enough , therapy does not work, parents take too many holidays, in-laws spend too much money on themselves, etc. etc.
Now, this may all be very true and not exaggerated even a little bit, but : ultimately, nobody OWES you help, support, assistence, freebies. Not even your parents. You and your husband are employable adults, it's YOUR responsibility to support yourselves and your child, to find an adequate accomodation, to take care of your physical and mental health, to make sure your child has got all she needs. Yours and only yours, no matter how much people in your life may be tightwads, unsupportive, unbending, ornery, etc.etc.
You have to be able to take responsibility , for the choices you make and for how you conduct your life .
Hint: that'something which social services, and eventually judges ,look into a lot, in cases of contested child custody ...The ability and willingness to take responsibility, much more than that of providing material goods…
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 November 2019):
 You are in Australia. so help will be available. Your husband's family cannot just take your child.
If you were diagnosed with post natal depression go back to that doctor and ask him to refer you to a suitable counsellor for help …. he should be able to put a mental health plan in place that will give you six free sessions with a qualified person.
The counselling will help you develop skills to deal with your husband's family. Then approach Legal Aid or the Citizen's Advice Bureau in your captital city, google for their numbers. As them what you can do, they may refer you to the Family Courts. You must seek help where ever you can. Keep a diary of who you contact and what they say, note any dates, times and names you are given, as well as any advice or referrals.
Your inlaws are acting illegally … also see Centrelink to see if they are claiming FTB for your child. Ask to speak to a social worker there and tell them your husband's family have taken your child without any court cases or directions.
The Salvation Army is also a good source of assistance and help, also try the askizzy dot org website.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2019): Social workers/ CPS were never involved either. My in laws just blindsided us and took us to court. And because I was naturally devasted- that was used against me. I honestly wished I didn’t stay in this marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2019): I am the poster. What happened was my in laws pushed us out before we were financially ready. We had agreed that they were going to increase the days with my child slowly. My parents were supposed to regularly have meetings with my in laws. But instead my parents went overseas for months and didn’t bother to do the meetings after. My in laws didn’t increase the days. My husband didn’t seem to care at all and was working a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): I also think that we're missing much of the back story here.
I also think the OP has posted before under a few years ago.
http://www.dearcupid.org/people/meccamega
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 November 2019):
 OP, people can't just TAKE your kid without any legal intervention. Even Children's Protection Society (CPS) needs a legal reason.
You need to get on your feet so you CAN provide for your kid and not live with HIS family.
WHY is your husband not HELPING you with getting yours and HIS child from his SIL?
If this SIL is so horrid the SOONER you can remove your kid the better.
I think there is a LOT more going on than you mention, but maybe YOU need to focus on getting healthy and getting a job so you CAN provide a roof over your kid's head that isn't your in-laws house.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2019): I am sorry to hear about your daughter being taken away. There must have been a good reason, as this is not done normally to people who are stable in their lives. The best thing I think you could do at this point is everything the courts tell you to do. Parenting classes, job hunting, psychological evals, all of it. Do it ASAP. Also attend every single supervised visit with your daughter even if it has to be at the in-laws house. Play the game the judge gave you, and you will have the upper hand in getting your kid back.
You must get a job, and you must be able to provide financially, emotionally, physically, etc. for yourself and your daughter. This should still be priority 1 for you until you are able to fulfill all of that. As soon as you do the courts are much more likely to side with you in a custody hearing than another relative, especially if you follow all their directions and do not fight them or balk at the requirements.
You should also learn to accept the fact that no one else owes you a living, you need to earn it for yourself. Your parents do not owe you any money just because they have gotten some inheritances of their own, or because they have some valuable assets that they have acquired during their own working years. Your in-laws do not owe you a place to live over their own daughter, and they were very generous letting you stay there while you and your SIL were probably making life in the house very difficult. They are also providing a stable loving home for your daughter at this time and you should be thankful for that.
I may sound harsh, but it does seem like you really need a strong wake up call to the real world. You don't seem to have good life skills to be on your own yet. Even if that is not your fault (I don't assume it is at all, probably your upbringing had something to do with this) it is still you that needs to make the changes in your life now to become a responsible and productive member of society. It will be hard, but if you do this you will be with your child again, and isn't that what you really really really want?
Best
R
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2019): None of this makes sense. Your in laws are not entitled to custody and if you went to social services you'd find the situation might resolve quickly. You are the one with parental responsibility. Unless you have significantly harmed your child in some way, there is absolutely zero chance that they would be awarded custody.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2019): [EDIT]: Typo correction:
"If your parents are willing to take you in, be grateful."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2019): Well, do your best to pull yourself together. If you're emotionally-distraught and suffering depression, broke, and your marriage is a mess; you don't have much of a legal-leg to stand-on. You can't be unemployed and homeless, and provide a safe and stable environment for a child.
For now, the child is being cared for by your in-laws. You and your husband are in very serious financial-trouble; or no-one would have been able to take legal-custody of your child. They would have to prove to a court of law that your child would be better-off in their care. They didn't just kidnap your daughter. Apparently, neither you nor your husband were able to prove you could provide a stable home for your kid. I am so very sorry things turned-out that way.
It appears you've left-out many details as to why they seemed to have so little trouble taking your child from you? I can only speculate that your depression has incapacitated you to the degree they could prove the child was not safe in your care. Furthermore, they would have to prove you were not financially capable of providing for the child's most basic needs. You and your husband are virtually homeless.
I think there's more to that story than you're telling. I don't think your parents are just being selfish. They probably think the child is better off. Giving-up their car to support two full-grown adults, and their child; really isn't their responsibility. They have no obligation to give you money; that's really a matter of generosity. If they have helped in the past, and foresee no change; they'll let you struggle, until you get your own footing. They may not trust you with the money, and feel your situation is far beyond their ability to help you.
If you parents are willing to take you in, be grateful.
I will have to be honest with you; but selling one car would not turn your entire financial-situation around. There's more to the story than you're offering; but pressing you in your present weakened emotional-state might not be helpful. Your in-laws would have to have some pretty compelling evidence to persuade a judge to take a child from both parents!
If the child is receiving love and proper care; then the child's needs and well-being are top-priority. Social-workers, or the child-protection authorities, are going to follow-up to see how things are going. The child could be completely removed, and placed in foster-care; if things aren't getting any better.
Having your child taken from you has to be heart-wrenching. You have admitted that your marriage is in trouble, your husband has a low-earning job, no home of your own; and I presume you are currently disabled by your depression. I think you may need some help from social services to get you on your feet.
Have you applied for any form of social services for temporary financial-assistance, counseling to assist in your job-search, help finding your own place, and family-counseling to get your life in order? Unfortunately, unless you are healthy; you will have to be supervised by your in-laws. If it was ordered by the court, sobeit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2019): I am sorry you are going through this BUT I think there are things you are not telling us.
No one but a clinically insane person starts screaming without reason, and surely not all 3 people who want to take custody from you are clinically insane? THey must have some reason beyond your joblessness that they think you are an inappropriate mother. Do they believe you go out too much? Do they think you are into drinking and drugs? Or are incompetent (e.g. have no idea how to care for or properly feed a child)?
You need to examine their criticism and see if there is ANY truth to all these allegations they must be making to attempt to gain custody. People CANNOT gain custody solely because they make more money than you. THey HAVE to be alleging other things. Now take an honest look at yourself and figure out if there is truth to this?
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