Hello, hopefully somebody reads this. I'd appreciate some kind of feedback on my problem. Before anything, the basics:I am an 18 year old caucasian maleI live in CanadaI have Obsessive Compulsive Personality DisorderNot sure if that matters, but I figure I'd mention it. Onto my issue: I'm repulsed by the very act of sex, and I cannot form a relationship on a non-platonic level. As a child I was extremely violent and aggressive, I would occasionally hurt other people and at one point I even hurt an animal. (which disturbs me, as I love animals dearly) However, I grew out of my external aggression and I taught myself how to "mask" who I am. I have formed many friendships since grade 7 (currently in grade 12), and I am somewhat well adjusted in society. I have a job, I go out sometimes, I converse. However, much of my emotional self is faked. I do not get sad, I do not cry, I do not feel TRUE happiness except for random, short bursts which I cannot explain. I simply feel very....blank. I'm not quite sure who I am, as I am constantly reinventing myself daily to match my surroundings accordingly. This lack of emotion seems to relate to another problem: I have zero interest in sex, I am actually repulsed by the act. It is just very messy, awkward, and more importantly it is intimate. I do not recognize intimacy or romance in other people, despite the fact that I know I am straight. I am not asexual, I just have no desire to engage in this messy act. I have no interest in marriage, or in romantic relationships period. I have been asked out by girls before, but I always refuse. I want to feel like everybody else, especially when I see them come out of their shells. I want to cry, I want to know what it feels like to LONG for something that badly, I want to smile for non-humorous reasons. But at the end of the day, I just feel like such a partially filled shell. Nothing breaks my barriers, I just exist as a broken pile of cells.I just want some comments on this. I regularly see a psychologist, and I may begin group therapy soon. But for my entire life, I have never found an answer. I don't understand.
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reader, not_entirely_sure +, writes (7 February 2010):not_entirely_sure is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response. Yes, my family background/childhood seems to have a lot to do with who I am. As I was growing up my parents would fight (very loudly) every single night. My Dad would shout and break things, and my mom would constantly ask me, "How would you feel if we lived on our own?" To make matters worse, one night a neighbourhood man broke into my home and attempted to molest me. As it turns out, he was a convicted pedophile. When he was kicked out of the neighbourhood, he just tried again on a different child. This time though, he succeeded.However, my parents rarely fight anymore, so that is no longer a worry. Also, don't get the impression that I was molded by that. Ever since I was in Grade 1 I had shown unusual symptoms, and was tested frequently. I know I'm not a sociopath, but I know I'm not quite normal either. This is my problem.I have read a bit on Ayn Rand, but not extensively. I'll look into her a bit more. Again, thank you for your response.
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reader, bharat mehta +, writes (7 February 2010):I read your question. Your language is good. You think quite logically. So, the root of your problem, which you describe as problem, should be rooted from your family back-ground. It can read as personality dis-order. I have such problem in my child hood,and I recover myself, by reading good philosopher's philosophy. I advice you to read, Ayn Rand's philosophy, which will give you new light, your life needed.
You could be good writer or artist, for which I am sure.
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