A
female
age
30-35,
*izzybeth01
writes:About three weeks ago I took a pregnancy test that came back positive. After going to the doctor I discovered that I was six weeks pregnant. I'm currently in college and my boyfriend has just graduated from college as an RN (registered nurse). He has a very stable job and can easily support the three of us while I'm in school (I'll also get a part time job). However, he doesn't want the reason we get married to be this baby. I understand exactly where he's coming from - (his parents were in the same situation and now they are divorced - he doesn't want this to happen to us) - We only have three options that we can work with: 1. We live seperate lives and he sees his child on holidays and maybe every couple of months (we live 3 hours away from each other) 2. I move in with him and we not get married - however most likely if this happens I will finish college and then move back home, he'll won't be able to see this baby as often any more. 3. We get married. We love each other and care deeply for one another. He took my ring shopping last week and went again alone today. I don't really want to be a single parent - I want to have him there to support me and be my rock through all of this, we're just extremely scared. We don't want to get married and then fight all the time about how differently our lives could have turned out. Any opinions would be welcome. We're completely at a lost for what to do - and unfortunately can't be together to talk about it. Thanks :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): I completely know how you feel and how much you have probably been thinking. I recently found out that i am pregnant (actually only a week ago). The father of the child and I are also considering getting married. I agree that the two of you should ask yourselves whether you would be getting married if there was not a baby involved. I realize that if you weren't in this position, the two of you wouldn't be considering it at this time, but if you think you might in the future, then that is something to consider also.
In my case, we were engaged in September before we found out about the baby. But we still have to consider if we want to get married now and give up the dream wedding for what our families can afford RIGHT NOW so that we can be married before I start showing and before the baby is born. Or should we wait until the baby is born?
I was raised in a single parent home. My father was never around and that was the only thing that I ever resented him for. I realize that my parents were never right for each other and wouldn't have been happily married. If you think your boyfriend will still be in your baby's life, that is also something to consider. You and your boyfriend just have to do what is going to work for you.
Good luck, and God bless.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (17 December 2008):
Yeah, I can tell you're scared and uncertain simply because it seems that everything is on the table. Marriage is always a scary step; I've had one for over 34 years so I can say that with some authority. When a third person (your baby) is involved, it becomes even scarier - and that's true if the baby shows up well after the wedding, too.
Besides fear and uncertainty I'd like you to think of your situation using the old-fashioned and rather serious terms "commitment" and "responsibility". They are extremely important in both marriage and parenting.
You and your B/F both seem to be facing the responsibility for this pregnancy. I'm curious why you haven't made the commitment to "marriage" or "life partners" before you added sex to your relationship. (Don't feel compelled to justify your actions to me - talk to each other!) Perhaps this event will be a catalyst to commitment.
Just because one (or both) of you feel an obligation to be married now, doesn't necessarily indicate a bad marriage. You say there is love; many will tell you that commitment is the measure of love. Conversely the experiences of many cultures around the world - where marriage is either explicitly or de facto an arrangement rather than a love match - indicate that love often grows in an environment of commitment. On the other hand you and your B/F are wise to recognize the possibility of growing resentment or contempt, if this pregnancy is the main motivation for marriage.
There is also commitment and responsibility regarding your child. It's true that a lot of children raised by single parents come out OK. It's also true that children raised in stable, two-parent families often enjoy advantages over single-parent kids. The guilt and resentment factor works here, too: If a child becomes the most notorious axe-murderer in history there's a tendency for parents to blame themselves for not being present as the kid grew up. (OK, that's a bit far-fetched and probably not something to make jokes about, but you get the idea.)
I think some of the points raised in this thread are secondary considerations. Inheritances and holiday gifts have significance but citing these as primary factors suggests that materialism is superior to human values. The more important factors are the affirmations and interactions between a child and his extended, multi-generational family.
Living together without marriage has a lot of problems you didn't mention. It carries none of the legal recognition and protection of marriage. Emotionally, since it lacks both the social acknowledgement and personal commitment of marriage, there is always the unspoken threat of a break-up at any time. (I don't know which is considered worse for children: a family break-up, or always being in a single-parent household.)
Having a child will affect your academic pursuit whether you marry or not. It might be simply a speed-bump to cross, a hurdle to clear, or a mountain to climb. Don't let a child bring your education to an end! Even guys who aren't particular about who they sleep with prefer to form long-term attachments with women who are their intellectual and academic peers. And for every 40-year old guy who is disappointed that his wife's body is too flabby, there are probably 3 or 4 guys who are disappointed with the flab between her ears.
In closing, let me suggest a plan that has value as a discussion aid even if you consider it unlikely or impractical. Would your B/F move to live in your current location, at least until you finish college? An RN has a quite "portable" career. Of course, he would have to alter some of his plans - but doing so would demonstrate commitment to your personal development; increase his contact with your child; earn additional respect from your parents; and improve access to your family, their support, and help. He might do this whether you marry or not although it would probably have greatest benefit if you married. As I said, even if this option isn't viable, discussing it may shed some light on the the other possibilities.
Please keep us informed of what is happening!
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A
female
reader, Lizzybeth01 +, writes (17 December 2008):
Lizzybeth01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank ya'll for such great, informative answers. They have really made me think and I appreciate you both taking the time out of your own lives to help someone with hers. :)
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A
female
reader, thistoshallpass +, writes (17 December 2008):
Hang in there, things will work out the way they are supposed to. I know you want to have a family and raise your baby together with your boyfriend so that you are not a single mom and he gets to bond with his child.... I also know that it's really difficult. The best I can tell you and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, you and your boyfriend need to ask yourselves one question... would you want to marry each other if you weren't pregnant? If the answer is a definite yes than go for it, if not then you really need to think about the options you have. I am currently in the end stages of a divorce that has taken years to come to an end... and I can promise you one thing, you never truly know how compatible you are with another until you live together. I really do wish you all the best and Congratulations!! If you need anything please don't hesitate to contact me...even if you just need to chat. Take care!
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A
female
reader, SayWhat? +, writes (17 December 2008):
Life is full of uncertainties, but the most important and terrific thing is that the two of you are in love. My mother went through having four children without ever marrying the fathers because of their shorcommings, or her fears. I never regretted not having a father in the house, but I did allow myself one opportunity to grieve over not having the birthright that comes with marriage.Things obvously didn't work out for my hippy parents anyways, but because there was no marriage, there was no public commitment made with regards to my aunts, uncles, and grandparents (on his side). The relatives did not get to partake in the symbolic joining of families.If she would have married him, my brother and I would have been included in more holidays and events with his side of the family. Instead, I grew up feeling out of place with them. My brother and I were treated like the black sheep. When my grandparents died, the inheritance went to my cousins, and we were left out. The money was not important, but it was clear that marriage would have made things a little different.I value and my mother's choice not to marry, but thought that it was interesting from a social standpoint. Best of luck and Congrats.
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