A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, the more opinions the better please, this one has me stumped! I started seeing a guy around mid April, we were boyfriend/girlfriend but keeping it quite casual as I'd just come ut of a long relationshipo and he's often busy with work and is cautious himself as we've both been hurt before. I'm 27, he's 38. I ended it a couple of weeks ago as I felt he wasn't particularly interested - details aside I later found out that he was keeping more distance due to not wanting to rush things and had had a car accident just prior to my texting him to say it was over.. I suck. Spoken to him since and he tries to make an effort by text then nothing for a few days then he'll contact me again, I know he isn't a player and has had a lot of bad experiences in the past that've made him quite wary/fragile. What can I do? I'm kind of humouring him and replying as and when he texts me, trying to keep it light, but we haven't spoken properly in over two weeks... Help!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Hi, thanks for the follow up. I really am glad to know that my answer helped. I have to tell you that THE most important thing in any relationship is the ability to communicate. And that is talking and LISTENING and trying to understand what the other is feeling, without falling victim to anger or hurt. Fighting fair sounds like an oxymoron, but that's important too.
If you can manage it at all, try to find the humor in the situation; it can help you deal with the evolving relationship and the inevitable bumps and problems that will occur. I'm not suggesting you make light of them, just find a way to see the amusing side of things.
I'm glad to hear that you're talking and back together again, just remember, it's not uncommon to repeat the patterns you're establishing now, so pay very close attention to the communications skills you're developing now.
With best wishes for a happy and healthy relationship!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDearest Jen86, Clearly you didn't get my point there - Obviously it's your date of birth... Hence you might need a little more life experience before you vent your hormones on random faceless people, bless ya. That's also why I asked for advice from people over 40, one of whom gave me a very good answer.I obviously know my question was vague.. Kind of why I said, "I know I've left this vague, please ask if there's anything else anyone is unsure of, sorry for the confusion, was trying to keep it short! :)" and if that wasn't clear, "I think I need to re-submit this question with all the details - might be a bit long but I'm giving the wrong impression here! Sorry for wasting your time guys. Thanks anyway."Either way, "lovely", I tried to keep it brief, confused people and apologised - It doesn't matter now since we are back together and everything is good, he said - in response to Tisha's accurate answer - that he was just afraid and has realised it wasn't all my fault, that he can be hard to cope with too, etc. We put it down to two damaged people being over cautious and things are fine.Sorry for confusing people, especially lil' Jen86. My age related comment wasn't meant to be a dig, I just genuinely needed an answer from someone a bit older and more experienced. I haven't used anything like this before and won't be again so I just wasn't sure how to word my question really briefly. Thanks again all. Thanks again
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thank you sooo much to Tisha, that's more like the true situation AND the right advice, much as it hurts to hear sometimes...
If anyone is interested I will repost this question/essay(?!!) with all info later on and link back here.
Thnks everyone tht answered... Please go ahead if you were going to answer still... I need all the help I can get!!!
Cheers,
Ang xx
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2008):
Hey, I'm guilty of being over 40, but I'm not sure that advanced age also conveys wisdom. ;)
Your question was a little confusing, to be honest, but tell me if I've got the gist. You've been dating this man exclusively since mid-April, so about two and a half months into the relationship you broke up with him via text message, and then learned that he'd had a car accident which was worse than you knew.
So you'd been seeing each other once or twice a week, you've both been hurt before and wanted to take things slowly. You broke up with him because he didn't seem to be that interested, and you find out later he wanted to take things slowly. In doing my math, I think you've actually seen each other about 24 times all together?
Okay, here are my thoughts. He wanted to take things slowly, perhaps he felt you were coming on too strong? Maybe he felt you were more into the relationship than he was.
The not telling you about the car accident or how serious it was tells me that you two are not communicating well at all. He may be so wary and fragile because he hasn't learned how to talk with someone and therefore he keeps getting slammed somehow.
You may have made him angry by your breaking up via text. Honestly, is that really a great way to break up? Even though you were angry, as you must have been to end it via text, surely seeing him to talk about it would have been a good idea? It's just another sign to me that you too have some issues with how you communicate. (Also, this whole question was confusing and your subsequent posts are dealing out info in dribs and drabs. Makes it very tough to really try to get a handle on the situation. Sorry for being blunt about this, but it really does help to have clear details.)
It may well be that you two have completely different takes on what this relationship represented. He may indeed have been very busy with work and just found it easier to have a simple, uncomplicated relationship with a woman who he only has to see once or twice a week. And maybe you had a different idea of where this was headed?
The fact that he really isn't making an effort to meet up with you or even talk properly could be because he just isn't interested in continuing the relationship, he could be so angry with you that he can't bring himself to talk to you, he could be a coward and just finds it easier to let things dwindle out, he could be so spaced out on pain meds that pulling together a sensible reply is beyond him at this point. But to be fair to him, you did break up with him via text.
So have a think about what his past history of break ups and hurt may reveal about him. Does he put himself into the position that someone has to hurt him to end an unsatisfactory relationship? I'm not saying he has, but do think about that, sometime people bring on break ups by withdrawing enough that it forces the other person to action. I've been guilty of doing the passive-aggressive break up thing myself.
I don't know if any of this will help you, but I have one more thought for you. Keeping it light right now when he texts you might make him think that you really aren't interested in continuing the relationship. You need to put yourself and your heart on the line a bit if you really want to heal this split. Someone has to stick their neck out, both of you are playing turtle, I think.
So that's what this 40+ (closer to 50 than I can believe) woman has to offer you. This might be irreparable, and it's time to let it go, but you won't know unless you really make a concerted effort to improve the communication between you. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to:
"we were boyfriend/girlfriend but keeping it quite casual"- this was either a relationship or it wasn't.
- We were boyfriend/girlfriend - Relationship.
By 'casual' I mean that since he is self employed and works away a bit and because I need my freedom to see my friends/family and because neither of us wanted to get into something "full-on", (as in we were happy to see each other once or twice a week) not seeing other people, not "friends with benefits".
Answers from people over age 40 appreciated as it may make more sense to them? Sorry I keep having to explain more bits!! I tried to condense a VERY long story, seems I'm not done it very well!!
Thanks for all your replies guys :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, here's the problem with that suggestion.. He seems to avoid talking to me for it to get that far! He text acouple of times on Friday night, saying things like "seems weird not seen you in a while.." but then he'll go quiet for a couple days. This happened Thursday and Friday, I tried calling him last night and got the answerphone...
That's why I assumed a couple of weeks ago he was acting like that because he wasn't interested or whatever but then turns out he contacted me again, then again this weekend. I think I'm mad persuing it and living in hope of a straight conversation, but there's something about him - us - just something that makes me feel he's worth it. I guess all I can do is wait.
Thanks for a brilliant answer LouxxLouxx! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I need to re-submit this question with all the details - might be a bit long but I'm giving the wrong impression here! Sorry for wasting your time guys. Thanks anyways!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Jen86, thanks for the comment... I'm guessing the "86" part is a lil clue there to why you assumed (despite my saying "details aside..") that I hadn't even tried calling him before/after that text... *Sigh.
To clarify, I hadn't been able to get hold of him.. Thought it was because he was avoiding me... Later same night found out the car accident he'd had was a lot worse/different to what he told me... Hence my saying "I suck" at the end of the sentance.
I know I've left this vague, please ask if there's anything else ayone is unsure of, sorry for the confusion, was trying to keep it short! :)
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (22 July 2008):
I modded this and really got the impression that you aren't that bothered. You dumped him by text and now you are only replying to him to "humour him"
What do you want from this guy? If you want him to be your boyfriend then arrange to meet up and tell him.
If you are not bothered then end it now because what you have at the moment is just not worth bothering about.
Good Luck!! xx
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