A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Serious crisis here Aunts and Uncles...I am recently divorced and with a new partner for a little over a year. I will admit I met her while I was separated, but we did not move in together until the divorce was iminent. We are very much in love, and it is a love like I have never experienced before. It fills me with such peace and happiness to be with her. We have admitted to each other from early on that marriage was a definite prospect for us. But here's the problem... Lately, we have been making definite moves toward marriage and it is making me very uneasy. We visited a special beach destination last month that we visit every year and talked about as being our probable wedding location. well, she made appointments with wedding planners in the area, and we spent a good chunk of our time picking out everything from reception locations to cakes. I kinda went along with it, partly excited, partly scared to death. We even picked a date - Sept 24, 2011. This month, she is telling all her friends and family to save the date, picking out wedding dresses and she's even going back to the beach destination this weekend with her Mom and sis. But guess what....I haven't even proposed. I plan on it around the holidays, but at the rate she's going, it seems she'll have the ring picked out and maybe bought herself by next week! We even looked at rings 2 weeks ago. To add to the inner conflict I am having, she is hoping to get pregnant...yes, now, and she tries to get me to impregnate her when we have sex. I am playing Russian roulettte with her ovulatory cycle hoping I miss it for now and so far I have been lucky. Most times I dissapoint her and pull out. It's not that I don't love her enough...I'm just not sure I have let go of the 20 years I spent in my former relationship. I have a whole life that I have to leave behind and that is a hard thing to do. I haven't quite found my new identity yet, and kinda feel like I'm already going down the same road I was on, but with a different woman. Even though the divorce was the best thing, after 20 years you are tied to a way of living that is part of you...every song that comes on, show that is on TV or holiday that goes by I remember my ex wife and our past. It's like I'm haunted by ghosts of the past. Everything is just moving so damn fast. Too fast. Part of the reason for her haste is age. She is 40, unmarried and never had kids. She has never even been truly in love before. I am the guy she has chosen, and its like a race to the altar and the maternity ward. Like I said, I am ready to commit...I just need to go at my pace. I know she senses this, and in fact today she apologised for going so fast, and we can slow down and go at my pace, etc. But I know if I said that yes, I wanted to slow down, she'd be crushed because it would mean moving the wedding till summer of 2012. Truth is, it may only take me a little more time for me to get it together, so by the time we really start planning, I might be fine. I probably will...which is why I really DON'T want to put things on hold. Uggh, I'm so conflicted.We really are in love and a great match, but I am very nervous about how fast things are going. Not sure if I'm truly ready. What to do?
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female
reader, blindbetty +, writes (16 October 2010):
 Yikes! What if you produce a child and the relationship turns out to be all wrong for both of you...then it will be another divorce and this time with child support.
Relationship goes through phases and when the honeymoon phase wears off and you are into the everyday of it you may find that you really don't know this person at all...
If she truly loves you she will slow everything down at your request right?
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 October 2010):
The short answer is to tell her how you feel NOW.
Here's the longer answer.
- She's 40, never married, no kids. This could well be her last chance for it. Time is seriously running out for her. Her biological clock is ticking, and she will only have perhaps 3-5 years tops before the prospect of children disappears. She is terrified, and she knows it which is why she apologized today.
You are right to want to take things at your own pace. The problem is that your pace is too slow for her. I think you need to tell her how you feel now, before it's too late for her. You may lose her, because she may be looking for more, very quickly.
Perhaps though losing her isn't such a bad thing for you. You're relatively newly divorced, and not ready to let go of your past. So to have her kicking around panicking and fretting that time is running out while you try to get this new identity isn't the best idea. You may be better off alone, while she may be better finding someone who wants marriage and kids in less time than you.
Believe me, you do not want to be the man she holds accountable for the reason she never had children. She'll burn you for it.
Tell her it's going too fast, now. Better to hurt her now, whilst she has the chance to make other decisions, than find out in a few years she can't have kids and be Public Enemy Number 1.
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