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I'm not sexually attracted to my husband! Any advice?

Tagged as: Faded love, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 June 2007) 98 Answers - (Newest, 12 April 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

When I was in highschool, I fell in love with a guy who broke my heart 6 mon.after we started seeing each other. His younger brother started coming over to my house after the break up and we'd hang out, sometimes go for pizza or a movie. Then one night, he leaned over and kissed me and I freaked out. I did not have those kinds of feelings for him, so it kind of grossed me out. After that I didn't want him coming over to my house anymore so I told him I just wanted to be friends. Then a funny thing happened....I kind of missed him. I think it was the attention which was great for my ego after the break up. So a few weeks later, we started going out together as boyfriend and girlfriend and I liked the fact that he treated me like a lady and not just a party-girl. I always felt kind of elegant and regal when he'd open doors for me and pull my chair out. He was a real gentleman, but I never felt the same attraction for him, than I had for his brother -- which was also my first lover. I finally broke it off with him when he went to college, and I dated a couple of other guys. We wrote to each other and I found that I really missed him alot. When he came back from school, he asked me to marry him. I thought it was a good idea at the time because he was a nice guy and I knew he'd be a good provider, plus my parents really liked him. But a short time after the wedding, I realized I was not sexually attracted to him really, and I don't enjoy having sex with him. He wants it all the time because he is absolutely crazy about me, but I find myself coming up with excuses to avoid being intimate more than about once a week. The thing is, he's good to me, I know he'd never cheat on me, he'd always be there for me, he's someone I could grow old with, but as time goes on, I am becoming more and more disinterested in him sexually and don't really feel attracted to him at all. I've had a couple of affairs and the sex was mind-blowing, but I know it's wrong and I don't want to keep doing that. I can't imagine my life without my husband because he's such a sweetheart, and he's like "my rock" but I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be attracted to him when I'm not. And I've tried everything -- I've tried watching porn, I've tried fantasizing (usually about other men), I've tried sexy lingerie to put myself in the mood but I'm just usually glad when it's over with. Has anyone else had this problem, and what do I do about it?....

View related questions: affair, fell in love, in the mood, porn, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011):

To the OP: why do u even contact your ex hb? You left him for the thrill and excitement and well, he doesn't need your pity. You threw him away so why send him a pity postcard, a pathetic phone call? The fact that you do not have the decency to tell him you remarried means that u know how wrong u were in the first place. Your ex hb doesn't need your pity, he needs your respect. Big difference!

Sometimes it is best to cut ties completely with no contact so that there is no false hope.

Irony of this is that your ex hb is a good decent man, with so much to offer the right woman, you on the other hand had numerous affair while married and now you found your price charming. Life is so not fair isn't it?

To the last anon male: your words are golden. I hope women and even men find the truth in your words. I know I did.

LoveGirl

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011):

I am a husband here. So many of you ladies are agonizing over whether you should stay with your husbands - some of you even admitting to having affairs. You are venting that your husband is a nice good, good provider, but balding and a bad kisser who doesn't get your juices flowing anymore (if he ever did). What I want you to consider is how you would feel if your husband was running around on you with a younger, prettier woman who loved to have sex with him. Ask yourself if that would that bother you, because us guys are asking ourselves the same questions you are and we're just as faithful as you are - or even less so. I find it ironic that at least some of you ladies debating about leaving your husbands probably have husbands running around on you even though they'd likely rather be with you. If you wouldn't be hurt by this, carry on, but if you'd be hurt knowing this then carefully consider your own actions.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011):

I have been reading everyone's story and i am very grateful for your sharing. Like most of you, I have the same problem. I am not attracted to my husband.

We are together for 8 years (married for 1). I think it was pride more than anything else that made me go through with the marriage.

I wasn't attracted to him when we first met but somehow developed an attraction and deep love for him. But it was a fantasy. It did not last long. He seemed to be lots of fun initially. He would bring me flowers everytime he visited me... wined me and dined me. We did fun things together in the first year of our relationship. I really felt appreciated, loved and spoilt. I also did special things for him all the time.

I wasn't sure in the beginning whether I wanted to be with him... but I thought to myself that no one would love me and treat me the way he did so I gave it a chance. Financially we were equal and still are.

I sacrificed a lot of myself to make the relationship work. Although he can be sociable, he doesn't like having guests at our place.

He thinks small. He's boring and not spontaneous. Everything has to be planned to death. He's always busy around the house. He won't even leave a cup in the sink. He's rather stay at home than do something fun and adventurous.

I just don't love him anymore and feel resentful towards him. He's a great guy and my best friend... but that's it. We don't have much sex and when we do I have to have alcohol in order to enjoy it. He can't kiss properly and I try to avoid it like the plague.

To our friends and family we look like the perfect couple. This makes it harder to just walk away. Besides, I am scared to just walk away.

I am not having an affair or even considering it. There is no one else that I am attracted to. I don't want to get into another relationship and I don't want to be alone.

He doesn't want kids... another reason for the resentment.

I just don't know what to do! Or maybe the answer is not what I want to hear!

PS: For the younger writers, I am 36 years old....don't think that this has to do with age... I think it's something intrinsic as well as cultural (and social) that make women want to be coupled and protected... to our own detriment. I think we should learn to trust our instincts more and not get into relationships because of our fears.

I am a very strong woman and come accross having huge confidence... but look at me... I have the same issues as so many woman out there and I feel doomed and helpless.

To the men reading this - it's not personal or something we like. It's just that suddenly you realise that something's very wrong and cannot be traded in or fixed easily.

Maybe we're not meant to be with the same person till death do us part.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear Lifeisbananas, Yes I am still friends with my ex, as much as you can be. We don't hang out together. But I do call him every couple of months and just see how he's doing. Our conversations are neutral. He tells me how the cat is doing. I tell him about something from work, or a mutual friend and we talk maybe 10 min at the most. Nothing too deep. He does not know I got remarried. I think it would kill him, and I can't think of a reason he needs to know. (We didn't have kids). I call him on his birthday, a few times I even got him a Gift Card for Sear's and a neutral birthday card. Nothing mushy or sentimental (usually my cards are funny). I call him on all the holidays because I know he's alone and lives a lonely life. He refuses to go out and meet anyone and I worry about that alot. But it is what it is, and I can't live his life for him. That's not to say my new relationship is "perfect" -- it's not. But it has necessary evils I suppose. I know that my feelings for my new man are very strong and passionate. We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but the difference is that I'm attracted to him, I respect him, we have alot more in common and I cannot imagine my life without him. I hope this helped you out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011):

I'm glad to hear that you've found happiness. I'm in the same position you were 3 years ago, except that I got busted for my affair.

My husband and I are best friends, but with nothing in common and are not beneficial for each other to grow as people.

You said something that sounds just like my relationship:

"we don't have alot in common. Another area of mis-match that I failed to realize until much later. We are polar opposites. He likes car shows, I like music. For years, I have attended shows with him but was bored. He also has attended music concerts in the past, though he hates large crowds and loud music and doesn't have a good time. We are different in other ways too. I love going out. He loves staying home. I love spicey foods and trying new things. He is basic meat and potato and will only eat bland things. Even with all of this, I still struggle with the idea of divorcing him because he is a good man and we have always been there for each other."

Are you still friends with your x-husband?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

It's been three years since I posted my question on this website, and to the last aunt (Nov.3,2010) I would like to say I have successfully moved on and couldn't be happier. I waited a couple more years after my post and then went ahead and filed for divorce. It all went smoothly and my ex-husband has adjusted pretty well. I am glad, as I met a wonderful, fun, passionate man whom I married just last month. We took our time getting to know each other and then went to Vegas for a really cool, rock-n-roll kind of wedding complete with a limo and my own private make up artist. Indeed I feel much more centered having done this whole thing full circle. I am more certain of what I want in a man and feel I have finally achieved that. Thank you all for your answers, they were each valuable to me; but I was surprised to see so many responses. It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I plan to grow old with this man (God willing) and feel like I've found my peace at last. xoxox

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010):

It has been 3 years since you wrote this and I hope you have found some resolve, and maybe you can enlighten me as to what you did. When I read your story, It was like reading about MYSELF! I am in virtually the same situation now as you were then.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010):

I'm hoping some of the women posting here might be able to give me some insight on my situation. I tried posting a question, but I didn't get very many responses and I'm really struggling with my situation.

I've had an on and off relationship with my girlfriend for eight years. She had gotten divorced about two years before we met She had only known her husband for a couple months and she only married him so she could move to the U.S. (she's from the Philippines). She has always wanted very badly to get married, apparently because being single is looked down upon in her culture, especially at her age (36).

She was crazy about me for the first six years and wanted very badly to get married to me. I think it was partly because I have a prestiguous career, etc., and she'd love to be able to gain status as well (she claims she doesn't care about that, and that she's attracted to me and loves me for who I am).

I broke it off with her three times, the last time being about 5 years ago, shortly after our daughter was born.

Although I was attracted to her, I just didn't think e could get along well enough to stay married. She kept trying to get back with me for a couple more years after the last breakup, but gave up a little over two years ago and started seeing other men.

We started seeing each other about eight months ago, and she says she now has very strong feelings for me again. I have developed very strong feelings for her (I never really did before, and she knows this), and I think we now get along well enough to stay married. She says she wants to get married to me, and she brings it up constantly. She also says she loves me, and she wants to see me all the time.

Unfortunately, the sex is not what it was before we broke up about five years ago. She made a public comittment at her church shortly before we got back together eight months ago to stop having premarital sex. She says she feels guilty about having sex, and she says she can't have orgasms with me because of this, even though she didn't have any problems with her boyfriends (she had sex with quite a few guys during the five years we were apart, but she says these guys were just using her and she was hurth when they broke it off with her).

As far as I can tell, she doesn't seem to get turned on by me much at all. She says it's because of the public vow not to have sex, and she wants us to see a christain counselor about it. I have a hard time believing the public vow would cause her to apparently lose interest in sex with me altogether, and my fear is that the sex will never be good (i.e. she just wants to get married so we can be a family with our daughter, she'll have financial security, etc.)

She says she's absolutely positive she'll love having sex once we're married and she no longer feels guilty about it. I think she actually does believe this, but I'm afraid she's just not attracted to me sexually, and she's attributing this to the religious guilt. She has said at different times that she doesn't want to have premarital sex, and she's only doing it because she's afraid I'll leave her if she doesn't. I had thought her statements that she didn't realy like having sex with me might be a ploy to pressure me to get married to her, but the way she described sex with her prior boyfriends recently left no doubt in my mind that she really loved having sex with them.

Given that she doesn't really like having sex with me right now, I'd prefer to simply stop. I can't enjoy it if she doesn't, and I don't want her to do it just because she's afraid I'll break up with her. However, if she's not sexually attracted to me, I wish she'd just be honest about it so we can avoid getting married and having it turn out to be a disaster for both of us. She says she's very attracted to me, and I do know that I do fit her preferred type (tall, blond, slim/fit). She's also told me many of her friends really like me, and she's clearly afraid I'll break it off with her and see one of her friends (I have no interest in her friends and I've told her this)

Any idea how to figure out if she doesn't enjoy sex because of guilt, or if it's because she's just not attracted to me sexually?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010):

My wife had an affair. Now, she claims to want to stay in marriage, but I don't see a lot of effort. My only comment to you is, it's not fair for you to let your husband suffer,

while you make up your mind. Believe me he is suffering more than you know, no matter what he says. All he wants is you, and he wants you to want him. It's not about the sex. Sex is just a way for him to feel close to you, something he knows is slipping away. If you don't have any chemistry with him, and being intimate with him is like being asked to eat food when you're not hungry, then "please" do right by him, and leave him. I wish my wife would tell me. She hasn't, and I live a lie. The only reason I don't leave is because I pray that I'm wrong, and she just needs time. Same as your husband.

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A male reader, oneoftheguys United States +, writes (2 October 2010):

I am one of the guys you ladies are talking about. You know, the one who is crazy about his wife, who loves her with all his heart, who has done everything he could to make her happy and satisfied, who is intelligent and kind and considerate, and good looking. But whose wife does not want to have sex with, who has affairs instead. Counseling does no good. She'll figure a way to talk about other things.

Do your man a favor. Get in his face and tell him you are not attracted to him. Say it loud so he hears it, ask him to repeat it to make sure he understands. Then leave. You'll do him the biggest favor you can.

Don't think that the charade, that can drag on for decades, is fun for him! Its not, it is hell.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010):

you really need to have a self talk with yourself! if the guy is good to you and treats you like a lady you should think of that instead of other men. or you could just have him start treating you like dirt, that seems to be what you like in your men. just think the only reason you wanted him around in the first place was because he was your get away from the world and the guys who treated you like crap! have you ever thought about him? i know! tell him you have cheated on him, then he may just treat you the way you should be treated! then when he treats you like dirt you may just find you want him because thats what you like!

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A female reader, GoingThruASpell United States +, writes (29 June 2010):

I think I am going through a midlife crises of sorts. I think my problem falls into three main areas:

1) I feel unhappy with myself. This is not where I expected to find myself at this stage in my life.

2) My husband has made some devastating financial mistakes and the negative impact on our family and future is huge. Although my sexual desire was low for him, now I will do anything to avoid sex with him.

3) While my husband has great technique, I am built for and need a much larger endowed man. Sex just is not the same without that for me.

My husband is attractive, kind, intelligent, my best friend for 20 years and great father. Both 19 when we started dating so I had very little dating experience. We used to have great sex for the first half of our relationship. For over 10 years I knew I craved something more than my husband in bed. We talk about this openly and we have explored other options such as sex toys and going to clubs (tho not participating). It worked for a while.

Fast forward to now, nearly 10 years later. I sit here knowing that my now complete lack of sexual desire is part me, part both of us and part him. For me, I am trying to get out more/find female friends to bond with, taking classes and exploring new career options. I am an upbeat person, not one to be moody or depressed. For us, the more I pull back from him the more he pursues me and pressures me for sex. He is all consumed by it 24/7 and will hardly speak of anything else to me. I hate it. He loves me and desires me only but I only love him. I want to have sex with other men. I am not cheating; I do not want to hurt him but I know that I am. I feel horrible knowing that I should consider myself the luckiest girl on the planet to have him but I don't. I just want to run.

I hope this is a passing phase for me. If it weren't for our children I would separate from my husband to better gage this. I feel I need a vacation from him. But at the same time I am afraid that my mind may be clouded with the financial troubles we are experiencing, our lives so unsettled and my own feelings of personal unfullment. To make a mistake and/or hurt someone so dear to me, not to mention destroying our children in the process... I also know that the fantasy guy out there does not exist beyond the amazing sex. Ah what to do!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010):

I just found this article/blog online, and reading previous posts, it seems as though it is a common phenomenon. It has helped me gain more insight to my situation, maybe it will help others, too!

http://www.thirdage.com/today/dating/i-love-you-but-you-dont-turn-me-on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010):

i forgot to say this:

why not go to your lovers for the financial security blanket? hell no, your lovers only want to F you and then send you back to your husband. let the husband pay for his cheating wifes upkeep. makes me sick!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010):

"........ can only surmise that I was attracted to the "security" he provided; the stability......" so basically you have been using your decent husband to provide the financial and moral stability while you get f@cked by other men for the excitment. so the husband is only good enough for his resources and providing a decent life for you!To all you women who just use your husbands hard earned finances to provide a better life for you, it basically amounts to "prostitution" doesn't it. have you no shame. Women like you just make me sick. There is no excusing what you are doing to your husbands, you justify your betrayal and your unfaithfulness and you believe you are not doing anything wrong. My advice will be the same to a man who uses his wife for years then destroys her life. To people who have sold their souls and still come back to their partners for financial stability i pity you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010):

hi

you care for him , he is your rock , he is kind to you etc

i suppose you do the same , but the question is do you love him.

i think not if you loved the way he spellent the way he walks the way he does thing around you these are the little things that build up the foundation in the room.(if its bad outside it wont work the relationship inside).

you dont need to try to turn yourself on , or put on blue movies you need to sit and think of the love you share , when this falls into place with in yourself , automatically you want to find your self makeing hot passionate love.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

GODDAMN am I glad I found THIS online!

Same boat as many of you, walked away and am struggling w that choice but see now I am not evil and not alone! This summed up my life best-

"I feel your pain! I wish I understood what is happening in marriages all across the world. We find these great, sensible, loving guys and the chemistry falls flat almost immediately. What's up with that? When I married at 19, I attributed my problem to my youth and the fact that I had never lived on my own, or really knew who I was as a person. My husband almost represented another parent, if you will. So obviously, our sex life was destined for failure. And like any rebellious child, I began to sneak out with my (single) girlfriends to party and dance then beg fogiveness when I got home. This wreckless behavior eventually led to a string of affairs because I was really looking for the man of my dreams, not another parent. Because I was so young when I married; and though it seemed like the kind of stability I needed, I just ended up feeling trapped at some point. I think if women can live on their own for a few years, and not rush into marriage we develop a sense of ourselves, which makes us more stable partners down the road. As adult women, and not little girls who long to be adults, I think we are more apt to pick the kind of man that appeals to us, and therefore are able to stay in the commitment for the long haul. My husband was never the kind of guy I was attracted to. I can only surmise that I was attracted to the "security" he provided; the stability and the fact that he loved me more than guys I had dated previously. In short I was more attracted to the"package" than the man. A problem many young women make. Staying in a marriage where you don't feel energized and alive does neither of you any good. It's a painful decision to leave a nice man behind in search of someone who excites you, but you only live once and I got tired of sitting on the sidelines watching my life go by."

The thing is though, I am scared as I haven't any close family really. Mother dead, brother and father think I am a screw-up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

To;A female age 41-50, anonymous writes

I am someone who shares the situation. I am 36, originally from India and have been married for the last 7 years. I have been in several affairs but never been sexually exposes and was a virgin till i get married. i have never had any kind of a sexual attraction with my husband. I married him as he is a highly educated, kind hearted, understanding ( all the best qualities you name ...) guy. but now i have come to a conclusion, the sexual attraction between the husband and wife is important than any of the other facts that i took into consideration. Recently i met one of my ex boyfriends accidently and we spend couple of hours for coffee. i could not believe myself attracted to him and since i am thinking about having sex with that guy. when comparting to my husband he is noting, but i am so sexually attracted to him. during my marriage i have never wanted my husband in sexual way but i cannot believe myself attracting to this guy. My husband has provided me everyting but noting was able to make me sexually attracted to him. I havent met that ex boyfriend since the coffee but i have started evaluating my life as a wife and have come to a conclusion that i am not sexually attracted to my husband. I do not wish to be married like this anymore. I don;t like to fake my husband that i am happy with him. Having sex with him not is like i am in the hell. Another issue. During whole my marriage, the average number of having sex is once a month... Please don;t be surpriced. that is how our sex life is.... i don;t think sexual attraction is something that you can build up with the time... i have realized it. If you get any advice, i too like to hear it.....

take care

Indian 36/F

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010):

OMG! Thank you, thank you, thank you ladies for sharing your feelings and experiences. I truly can relate to all of your stories. I too have been having issues with feeling attracted to my husband of 7 years. We've been together for a total of 9 years, no kids. I love my husband to death too. He is intelligent, a good provider, a good friend, and just an all around wonderful person which makes it that much harder to feel the guilt that I am feeling because I do not feel the same way about him that he feels about me. We have talked about getting a divorce several times in the past year and a half. He knows that I am not sexually attracted to him anymore mainly because he is obese. He has always been a little overweight, but has gained over 80 lbs in the last 2 years! I know it sounds so shallow of me, but his body type is so unattractive to me at this point that I find myself making up excuses as to why we cannot have sex anymore. We haven't had sex in about 7 months. I feel horrible. I've talked to him about losing weight, joining a kickboxing class with me, and gastric bypass has come up a few times. He tells me that he will "look into it" and never does! It scares me how obese he is. I do love and care for him, but the main reason I have not had kids with him is because of his weight and I am not going to be a 33 yr old widowed mother of two if this lack of caring for his body continues! I need advice people! Tell me what to do. I've tried everything!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010):

Like the saying goes....if the grass looks greener on the other side, it's time to fertilize your own lawn!

Sexual attraction can only come when emotional needs are being met. Look deep inside and make sure YOU are doing YOUR part to cultivate a lasting, loving relationship. It's unfair to expect a spouse to meet all of our needs. Marriage is a two-way street. It takes hard work from BOTH sides! How do you know your husband isn't fighting the very same feelings, but is trying his best to overcome them?

True love is being comfortable with each other and accepting each others faults, REGARDLESS of what the physical appearance is. Being interested only in hte physical is lust, not love. Physical appearnce will fade for all of us, but true love can last till we die!

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A female reader, noemi Sweden +, writes (19 May 2010):

Oh Jesus. What's happening to all of us?

Just last night my husband kept me awake with a painful argument about not having enough sex. Twice a week is not good for him. He wants it more often, which I can't give. I am not so attracted by him sexually, and I don't know why, and I don't like this situation! I know it has a lot to do with me - oh did I fall for total a**holes in the past! - but I don't know how to make married life excting! And we don't even have children yet!

Objectively though I think I shouldn't only blame myself and experience guilt everytime he looks at me. So this time I will focus on how I would like HIM to change.

He is very 'square', rational, loves certain routines which I loathe. And I am not talking about sex routines, but lifestyle: every occasion to have some fun has to be planned in advance. Rarely does he take the initiative to do something even remotely 'cultural', as he likes his dinner early and then it's TV. To me this is extremely boring, but I know he needs this kind of stability or he feels bad. So I adapt.

I wish he was a little more spontaneous. He is very funny and we do have a great time together, but it's these little daily things that are killing my libido. It may sound stupid, but what if one evening we didn't care to do the dishes and went out for a walk on the town instead? Or forget cooking, just eat nachos in bed and talk about our dreams? You know what I mean?

What I mean is, for me the sexual attractiveness of a person doesn't have to do only with the sex itself. It's a lot of other things that inspire sex, and passionate love. Having bored you with this tirade, I conclude by saying that I do want things to get better with him, no one else. I believe we can.

Thank you for this space and I hope you can find a solution to your problem too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010):

I just want to thankyou all for your stories.It lets me know there are many other women going through the same thing.

I feel trapped in a marriage where my husband is basically a good guy-VERY hard worker-wonderful Dad too yet I am not attracted to him anymore in any sexual way.The most I can admit to liking is having another person lying next to me at night. I can't say he repulses me but there is no chemistry.It just feel comforting in that way ONLY.

This did not happen overnight.

That I know but it did happen and it's not a way a marriage should be.

We have been married a LONG time (28 years) and it started several years ago.

I think it's not only the physical appearance but it is also the way he uses bad language more often though the years (when he gets stressed he curses) and his bathroom habits too.(He has an irritable stomach at times)

He's lost much of his hair and although balding looks good on many men on him it does not.

If I had to say it straight I like him like a friend-a roommate and provider but that's all.

Wish things could be the way they were years ago.

Sometimes I think I got married young and just wanted the dream of raising kids with a good looking and kind man.Now that is done and I wonder is this all that marriage is going to be for me?

Let me say I feel guilty for all he's done for me through the years but you have to have attraction.

And by the way he does know I do not have the attraction for him.

When we went away a few months ago I did enjoy myself but even the gorgeous surroundings there didn't make me want to have sex.Vacation helped ALOT but it didn't cure it.

Again it felt like two friends on a nice vacation.

(sigh)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I feel your pain! I wish I understood what is happening in marriages all across the world. We find these great, sensible, loving guys and the chemistry falls flat almost immediately. What's up with that? When I married at 19, I attributed my problem to my youth and the fact that I had never lived on my own, or really knew who I was as a person. My husband almost represented another parent, if you will. So obviously, our sex life was destined for failure. And like any rebellious child, I began to sneak out with my (single) girlfriends to party and dance then beg fogiveness when I got home. This wreckless behavior eventually led to a string of affairs because I was really looking for the man of my dreams, not another parent. Because I was so young when I married; and though it seemed like the kind of stability I needed, I just ended up feeling trapped at some point. I think if women can live on their own for a few years, and not rush into marriage we develop a sense of ourselves, which makes us more stable partners down the road. As adult women, and not little girls who long to be adults, I think we are more apt to pick the kind of man that appeals to us, and therefore are able to stay in the commitment for the long haul. My husband was never the kind of guy I was attracted to. I can only surmise that I was attracted to the "security" he provided; the stability and the fact that he loved me more than guys I had dated previously. In short I was more attracted to the"package" than the man. A problem many young women make. Staying in a marriage where you don't feel energized and alive does neither of you any good. It's a painful decision to leave a nice man behind in search of someone who excites you, but you only live once and I got tired of sitting on the sidelines watching my life go by.

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A female reader, barbie38 United States +, writes (17 April 2010):

omg, i feel the same way. I've been married for 16 years have to beautiful children and love my husband very much. He is a really good provider, kind and has a good heart, but im just not in love with him anymore, im not atrracted anymore to him, i avoid sex as much as possible and i feel disgusted and repulsed when he wants to have sex. I had an affair and i was really attracted to him, so i feel so hopeless and depressed that i continue to be in a marriage that i feel no chemistry. I've told my husband that im not attracted to him anymore, but he is crazy about me, so he wont accept what im saying. He says im breaking up the marriage cause i want a divorce, but i just cant live like this anymore, i love having sex and havent had sex in over a year, im at a point where i rather be dead, i wish i could be attracted to him and then my marriage would be great, but my feelings dont change, i've tried changing but everyday i become less attracted to him and the sad part is .. is that he is such a good provided, such a good person, and is so in love with me, why cant i feel the same way...im so sad and depressed, i believe the best thing for me now is a divorce.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010):

Wow I didn't think so many women would feel the same way, it has been really good to read all the different points of views on this.

I am 23 and have been married for 2 years. I have been with my husband for nearly 6 years but was good friends with him for about 2 years before we actually got together. My husband is the sweetest person I know other then my Nanna. He is such a loving husband and father. But I do feel like we have drifted apart. I feel like I have grown so much since having our daughter who is one and a half, she is the most important thing in my life. All my life I have had low self esteem, but since having her I just care about her happiness, I don't worry about what people think as much and I don't feel as unsure of myself as I used to. I feel more happy with who I am. I still love my husband deeply and want him to be happy but I don't feel attracted to him physically. We are just so different. We get along really well but I don't feel like a can have adult conversations with him other then just things relating to our finances or our daughter. I sometimes feel like I am the only adult in our family. He still sit up till 2am each night playing computer games and loves skating down at the skate park which I understand he loves but I find it a bit annoying at times. We don't have any common interests.

I don't think I could ever have an affair but I have crushes on other men and fantasise about having affairs. I want to have sex but just not with my husband. It feel weird, Like I am having sex with my friend or something. I don't get turned on by him at all.

I want to try and work on this though because I do love him and I want my daughter to have 2 happy parents and I'm not sure if this is just a phase I am going through.

I just don't know where to start is all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010):

I read through most of the responses here and appreciate the thoughts and discussion that have been raised. I have to say that I'm in the same situation as many women who are not attracted to their husbands ... for lots of the same reasons. But I'm going to keep trying. Perspective is everything. If you think you can fix this problem, I believe you can (I can). I'm not willing to trade in my life, my friend, my children's security for a fantasy of a man that probably doesn't exist. Trading one set of problems that I believe I can work on myself to improve for another set ISN'T worth the hurt and betrayal a divorce would create. Just my two cents.

Me, I'm 40 - married 12 years - been with him 17. Carried through with a couple unfulfilling affairs thinking I could be fulfilled in experiencing what I am/was (it's a work in progress) missing in my own relationship in an empty sexual relationship. I'm educated and we're financially sucessful - but that's the least of the important background info.

I know I'm going to make it with my husband and live happily as I picture our lives together growing. Wish you well too :)

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A female reader, UnsureMad Australia +, writes (10 March 2010):

When I met my husband i was 18 and i was so very in love with him, he rocked my world, sex with him was great. When I fell pregnant and we decided to get married i was so in love with him, i could see us living happy ever after. After we got married he started going out every night and not coming home till the wee hours of the morning. He was going to a mates place and getting stoned and playing crad or darts or the playstation. When he started coming home at 2 in the morning and trying to have sex, i would push him away, i was not going to wake up for the sex that had gone from rocking my world to wham bam thank you mam. When our daughter was 8 months old I was pregnant again, and i know the exact night he was made cos it was on the one night he did stay home. I was put in hospital for the first 3 months of the pregnancy due to being so sick. One night while i was laying in the hospital bed sick and pregnant with his kid, he came in and asked if i would mind if he went and paid a visit to a firend of ours. I was crushed, and more resentment built, though he promises nothing happened I was never really sure, as i never really spoke to the girl again after his visit.

We lost that little boy i was so sick with in a horrible car accident. About 6 months later i was pregnant again, and he started going out again, after our son was born he stayed home more but still never came to bed with me, one week not long after my sister had had her little man, she and her son's aunty who was 17, came to stay for a week. Never did it cross my mind that he would do something with her, but while i was in our bed and me sister was asleep, the 17 year old went where they shouldn't have gone. That weekend we went out of town and I left my phone behind, I knew there was something wrong with him, he told me he ahd massaged her feet, i told him it was nothing and he was being silly. But when we got home and I found the msgs on my phone i went white and he knew that i knew, I was crushed again, more resentment. I left him but after 3 weeks went back for the kids and cause he promised it would never happen again, but while i was gone i slept with another guy. To me it didn't matter he had hurt me and i had left him end of story. For 6 months things were great, he was a different man, he showed me love and that he wanted me. We started to work on things and it was going great, until he fell in love with "her" he would send her dirty txts and would sit there and read them to me then he would read her's back, and all the while this was killing me, killing the person inside me, he had no were else to go so he stayed in the house we were buying, and we were trying to keep some sort of normal life for our kids.

after 6 months he finally decided to sell the house and go our seperate ways, the house was sold very fast and he went to spend a weekend with her, she was married also and had 3 kids, but when he came back from his weekend he told me he was sorry and that he would never do anything like it again, I had 2 fits and almost died I had to have someone with me incase something happened so again we decided to give it a try, after 6 years of trying i still was not over it. Last year i told him it was over, and met up with my high school sweetheart, the chemistry that was there when we were younger was still there and just seeing him again and i was head over heels inlove with him all over. 3 weeks after my husband and i splitting he was in a really bad accident and almost died, in october last year he was back on his feet sort of and my son went to live with him, i missed my boy so much and he wanted his mummy and daddy back together so bad, that in January this year i lost the plot broke up with the love of my life to try again to work on my marriage, for my kids. My husband is so happy and is trying to show me that he is different and that he loves me but when he touches me or talks about sex i cringe, i don't want him touching me in that way. To me what i feel for him is like what i felt for my uncle. He is a great friend, but I am now back to looking at him and hating him for wrecking everything when it was great. i let him go a long time ago i had to in order to deal with his relationship with her. But he is still broken after a year, his neck is still broken and he needs help and care, i suply that but i can't suply the love he wants. I feel stuck here for my son wants us together, my daughter wants out to, she wants it just her and I with out her brother or her father, she prefers my secret love as he gives her respect and does not put her down. But my son has special needs and i can't walk away from him, and i feel i can't walk away from his father cos he needs someone here. So my daughter and i stay here unhappy and trapped.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010):

You should never under-estimate sexual chemistry. Friendships and nice men are great but it's the za-za that keeps you interested year in and year out. Too many women "settle" for the comfortable man, only to find themselves yawning in the bedroom soon thereafter. It may seem shallow, but most women do enjoy sex more than the rest of the world realizes and I think we've been selling ourselves short for far too long. If you are bored at 3 months, think about 3 years down the road. It won't get better as time goes by, but you will become more fearful and make poor choices the older you get.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010):

ok, I am dating someone. we've been together for 3 months!!! three!!.. i do not enjoy the sex at all. i used to consider myself a nympho with my ex but this time around i consider myself practically a nun (no offense to anyone.)

i think its because he hasnt been with very many women therefore he doesnt have that confidence that brings out the manly assertiveness that i find absolutely sexy. I dont want to say anything but i dont want this to continue. Ive tried doing my thing and maybe he'll catch up but he lost his confidence and erection.... umm... bad idea.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010):

Oh my goodness-you & I have a lot in common. I am currently talking about an open marriage with my husband and he can't understand why, since he wants to have sex every time I walk by him. I have been unfaithful and while it feels really good, it only makes my husband that much less attractive to me.

The main difference here is that my husband is paralyzed from the chest down. I've tried to make the best of it. We've been together for 16 years, have 2 kids, and he's a good friend to me. He feels like I'm stripping away his manhood even tho we have had sex 2 times in the last 5 years.

It's heartbreaking on all fronts. I'd love to talk to you. I have no idea if you are in a position to chat.

Amy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010):

Me too! Me too! I suspected that there were other women that feel the same way I do, but it is so reasuring to hear that I'm not alone.

What to do. I'm torn, like so many of you are. On the one hand, my husband has so many qualities that I love - he's smart, he's kind and committed, we have several interests in common, he's my best friend in so many ways. However, from the start I have not found myself sexually attracted to him. He's in good shape, but he's a little shorter than I am and lost most of his hair. I just don't find him attractive, and I have to gear myself up to have sex. I could go for weeks without it, and it tortures him.

Why did I marry him? Like I said, he has many qualities that I adore and really appreciate, so I really do "like" him. At the time, we were involved with a religion that dictated women should stay home and raise kids, so I guess I was one of those duped idiots that was looking for a provider. There, I said it.

We have several kids - beautiful kids that absolutely adore their father. My life isn't just about me anymore. As of right now, I feel that the sexual pleasure I may (or may not) find by leaving my husband would not be anywhere near worth the cost - especially the cost to our kids. I don't even make this as a religious judgement - I'm not religious anymore. But recently I've witnessed the breakup of a friend's marriage because her husband no longer felt attracted to her, and he found someone else. I've seen the heartache it causes, and the trauma it causes the kids. It just isn't worth it, in my opinion. I've also had a friend leave her husband after 2 kids because she wasn't in love with him. She has since been to therapy many times because she feels that she has made a "collosal" mistake. What was "out there" was tremendously disappointing and she realized that she had it pretty good with him - wishes she would have stayed and just worked things out. Now she has broken the family for her kids - it just wasn't worth it. (He's since remarried.) She has met someone else now, but she wouldn't make the same choices if she were to do it again.

So for now I've decided that overall the benefits to my marriage outway the disappointment sexually. I know that there are men out there that "do it for me", and that my husband will never fit into this category. I have also talked with women that have had husbands (or lovers) that were fabulous in bed and so sexy, but living with them was hell. Maybe I can teach my husband how to kiss? Perhaps there are 'kissing lessons' I can sign him up for? LOL!

I plan on reading and learning, and focussing on the good things about him and finding ways to make sex more appealing. I know this isn't a perfect solution - I don't believe there is a perfect solution (unfortunately!) But it's time for me to stop wishing he were someone else, and living in the present. Wish me luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010):

The first thing I'd ask: are your financially able to take care of yourself and your children? If so, tell the truth and move out and get on with your life...if you married someone without having sexual attraction and they are repulsive to you it's not going to get any better.

If you're not financially able to take care of yourself and kids, then get a lawyer to find out if the husband will have enough child support to take care of you and the kids until you can support yourself...otherwise you're pretty stuck with the reality of bringing kids into the world without a game plan except hubby's support until you can support yourself and them.

Setting up another guy to support you is another way, but, there's no guarantees that the new guy will marry and take care of you, and you may realize you've just married another meal ticket (marrying for support). Sorry to be so blunt, but, life's harsh and it's unfair that you didn't know any better to marry so young or so naive...but, the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to get a job to support yourself and them (or get the training you need to do so) because you need to empower yourself so that you can make choices that are good for you without having to rely on any man...then you can marry strickly for the pleasure of being together. Make sure that you 'test drive' the car of any relationship for a long time to make sure you're both happy with what you're buying cause buyer remorse in a marriage is a very unhappy thing. Empathy to anyone who is unhappily married.

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A female reader, ZZZ123 United Kingdom +, writes (22 February 2010):

Its nice to know there are people in the same situation as me. My husband is a very nice men father and husband . I like yourself am not attracted to him sexually . I married him because he was nice and humble. Because i got married a virgin i just thought he was the right man for me and sex would be good. I love him but not the sexual kind of way. I hate sex and i dont think i have ever had an orgasm. I cant even compare it because he is the only man i ever slept with. I was close to cheating once but never got to do anything. I fully understand how you feel.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010):

OMG I thought I was all alone dealing with this...I feel so much better knowing there are other woman out there in the same situation..I mean I am not happy that they have to deal with it, cause it sucks...but just happy I could express myself to others who can understand me.

I've been married for 8 years now and i have a 6 year old daughter. I got pregnant about 6 months after being married, and today I have to admit that I am not inlove nor attracted to my husband at all..its killing me inside. I mean he knows, but still wants to be with me and that makes me feel so guilty about the whole thing. I've decided to go see a sex therapist next week, maybe she could help me! I dont know how to move on because he's such an amazing man and I do love him so much, I'm just not attracted to him at all..I hate sex and try to avoid it so much. I dont think I ever was attracted to him, I never remember a time where I was...Anyway, that's the life I live. He's telling me that he'll give me until the summer to change, if i dont, he's gonna end it. A part of me wants that, but the most of me wants to stay with him, but now he's doubting if he wants to be with me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

Its amazing to see how many women feel the exact way that I do and even more so, the "trapped" feelings too. I was married for 9 years, had three children, then went through a divorce. I loved him but was not in love with him. I was repulsed by the sex and had affairs. Finally, I was true to myself and decided to end it. I was single for 2 years, met many men that were horrible. What that did was break me down. I was "pushed" into going back to him and trying to work things out. Now, 4 months into the relationship, I am back to feeling the exact way that I was feeling before. It just doesnt come back. And the worst part of this situation is that I have three small children that are living their dream come true. Everyone in my family "hates" me. They think that I am the worst mother on earth and selfish. My mother even went as far as calling me sick and suggested I check myself into a mental hospital. I am so lost. I am so misserable, depressed, and more than anything, scared. Thank you to all, there is atleast some comfort in knowing that at least Im not crazy and Im not alone.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010):

I'm in the same situation. I started to counsling to try to get help thinking it is me cuz I'm not into my husband anymore. I now most of my problems is the deep resentment for him because for 3 yrs of our marriage (early part) he abused me in every way (he was a severe alcoholic). He quit drinking completely and has become the man I always wanted him to be but it took him 10 yrs out of 11 yrs to do this. I'm so lost. Since he took so long and i endured so much pain i also lost so much feelings for him. I love him dearly but I can't tell him that he does not turn me on anymore. Like some of you, I have tried everything to get into the mood and nothing works. I dread to hear him say he's horny or for him to touch me. I don't like hurting anyone's feelings and we have children. I don't know what to do. Its like he knows what pity to play to keep me. this sucks......all of it!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010):

I offer my sympathy to my fellow suffering ladies. I am going through a similar problem with my husband. We have been together for five years and married for the last two. Initially the relationship was fine but as soon as he proposed to me and I accepted, things started sliding down the hill. He became controlling (although he denies this),starting making all important decisions on my behalf and our sex life has become boring and repetitive. When he noticed that I wasn't to keen to get married to him he became verbally abusive and brought the wedding forward by six months, reassuring me that arguments before the big day were normal. Now after two years of marriage he is completely obsessed with work (like he has always been), wants me to move to another city away from my friends and job which I love and demands sex. A couple of months ago when we didn't have sex for three weeks he became sulky (like he always does) and told me that it is my responsibility to provide him with sexual satisfaction. Since then he has apologized for this statement but I can't help but feel resentful. I no longer want to be in his company or have sex with him. He often emotionally blackmails me into having sex and occasionally I give in for the sake of quiet life. This leaves me feeling abused and emotionally stunned. It came to a point that I daydream about leaving him but can't get the courage to tell him. I think I'm afraid of him getting abusive and I feel that when he gets upset I'll back down and give in as I hate to see him cry (he has been doing this often since I mentioned that I felt I couldn't move away for his job). My friends feel that he is controlling me and want me to get out. I do hope I'll be able to get the courage to tell him and get my life back. I do not agree with the religious rationale for staying in unhappy marriage because that's what God would do. I'm sure that most of us would love to be happy with our partners and grow old with them however, we only have one life on this planet and I believe that we have right to rectify wrong partner choices. It took me a long time to come to this decision and although it hurts me to cause him pain and it feels me with uncertainty about my future life, I no longer feel able to pretend that things are ok when deep down I know that I'm miserable, anxious and controlled. Good luck to you all and if you have any tips about how to break the news and move on, please let me know.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010):

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To: A female reader, anonymous(3 February 2010) I know where you are at and there are no easy answers. I did later start wanting a family, but my husband did not, so that was something that caused me to feel like I had reached a dead-end with him. But also, like you I simply grew as a person and felt like we outgrew each other. My husband was a lovely person, but we wanted different things out of life and it was the hardest thing I ever did, to walk away from what most people would say was a "good thing" but it was no longer good for me because I was depressed, and bored and felt like my life was slipping away before my eyes. If I had to do over again, I would not have married so young.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010):

Why are so many of us in the same boat?

My husband and I started dating when I was 18 (he's 3 years older) married at 22 (both agreed to not have kids...a decision which I don't want to regret) and now it's 8 years later. I knew the sex wasn't good (blamed myself 100%) and he is SUCH A NICE GUY I thought I could forget about the sex part.

Problem is I decided to get in shape, be healthy, and feel think about myself for the first time ever prior to my 30th birthday. I lost a huge amount of weight (36 lbs to date) and started doing things for myself. I keep thinking "why can't I have it all? A good sex life and to be happy." Why did I deny myself that part of it when I was so young?

I already feel like our marraige is over. We are going for counselling, but I don't know what that will do for me. I fantasize about being on my own and doing my own thing.

I would never recomend anyone get married so young and make life-changing decisions like no kids. I want so much more for my life now and feel very horrible for having to hurt him eventually.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):

My advice is to get both individual and couples counseling. My husband and I are in the same boat. We have been together for 10 years. He's a super kind and sweet guy, but I should have known based on his telling me that he and his ex- did not have sex after the honeymoon.

I appreciate that he tries to please me, but it is obvious that he has no desire. And I can't stand the way he kisses, which, thankfully, he doesn't do often.

I also had an affair, but felt so desperate for affection. I wish that we had tried counseling first, as affairs are NEVER good ideas, no matter how special you think your prospective or current affair is.

Counseling. But both people need to be extremely honest and willing to be open to whatever the steps are - together or alone.

It's a stinky situation, isn't it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010):

Thank you God that I'm not alone. Feeling better just knowing I'm not crazy and there are other women who are experiencing the same issue.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010):

i supposed i'll share a bit of my story... i feel the very same way all of you do, and for those of you who can't relate, i understand we may look a little selfish from an outer perspective... it's just a very difficult issue to understand if you aren't experiencing this from the inside. my story is a bit different bc i've actually gone through the motions.

i met my husband a little more than 5 years ago at a time when i was very weak in my life. i was battling and trying to recover from an eating disorder. some were mentioning low self-esteems here, and yes, i admit that i had a very low self-esteem at that time and throughout my child, not bc of my parents. i'd elaborate but i'm trying to keep this brief or it'll turn into a novel! anyhow, i was attracted to him the very first night, but immediately upon dating him, i felt insecure due to his small stature. may sound a bit shallow, but i was dealing with an eating disorder and already felt fat as it was! i tried to ignore those feelings and proceeded. i guess at the time i needed a friend and the more i got to know him, the more i thought he was great. he's nice, sweet, giving, funny. that's what i fell for at first, but i tried to break things off within the first month bc i just wasn't feeling it... not like that. i liked him as a friend and yet he told me he loved me, yep, that quick. he has been completely in love with me since. he got down on his knees and i couldn't bear to hurt him so i stayed. pretty soon, i had nowhere to go, and so i continued to stay with him, moved in with him and i was completely into him for a few months. he proposed to me, i got pregnant, and we eventually married soon after our child's birth. when i was pregnant, i was already feeling like, "oh, man, what did i do?" bc of all of our differences. might i add, that around this time, he wasn't expressing much interest anymore, but i was into him, and after i'd just had the baby, he was talking to and flirting with girls online. he might've cheated had i not caught these online conversations. i was heavier at the time, for good reason (the baby) and i did my best to lose it quickly.. for my own health and my own sake. after doing so, he was all into me again. everything seemed ok again, but then i, like others, had a one-night deal. it was ok. i didn't like it much... i don't even know why i did it. i'm stupid. i felt horrible and didn't do it again. after doing that, my sexual apetite with him got even worse. i made excuses to get out of it. like all of you, i love him so much, but like a best friend, a cousin.... i love being around him. i can kiss (peck) him and hug him, but anything aside from that just feels so uncomfortable... anyway, more than a year later, i met a guy i was attracted to from my past. it never went anywhere with him, but i just thought he was cute. apparently he thought the same thing. anyway, we had mutual friends and we hung out one night. nothing happened. but it was around a time when my husband and i were already on rocky terms. we separated and i spent more time with that other guy the same night. after that, things just flew with the other guy. we engaged in an on/off relationship for over a year. the chemistry, passion, was all there, but we fought like crazy. i love his family, the places he took me, the way he can hold his own, the fact that he has so many friends and is extremely charismatic, but things never really worked bc it was a long distance relationship, and i have a child. he could not trust me. we did not cheat, bc this happened after my separation, yet he still just couldn't trust me and i loved and still love him so much it hurts. well several months ago, we split for "good" and i was hurt. he entered another relationship. i felt completely over him and i missed my husband and the family life my daughter was missing out on. she is only 3 but was telling me she wanted to be a family. i felt it would be great to reconcile (and we have tried this 4 or more times without success yet i still gave it a go), so we did. at first, i felt great, and we were able to have sex, but now i'm back at square one. i hate it. i want to be in love with him, and i want to be sexually attracted to him but i can't. the ex is texting me and telling me he loves me and misses me and i love him, but i just can't be with him bc of my daughter and bc he does not live here. i want her to have a family, but i and my husband are suffering. i think i might be able to hang around if he doesn't want sex, but he does, and every week for the past few weeks, he gets angry when i don't want it. it's so hard to fake. i really honestly try with all my heart. i have told him how i feel, that i'll never be madly in love with him and he said he can live with it, but i honestly don't think he can, bc he gets angry so often. he knows that my ex and i had chemistry and he says that he hates it so much it pisses him off. life as a single mother (which i lived through for a year and a half) was so difficult for my daughter and i. i had no money and i felt like i couldn't provide her with much, but she is so incredibly happy right now. she loves seeing us together. i honestly don't know what to do. sometimes i just want to get up and escape without telling anyone where i'm going, but i just love my daughter so much that i guess i'm willing to feel trapped.

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A female reader, anagnostou Australia +, writes (23 January 2010):

Clicked into google Repulsed by my husbands kiss an was amazed to find other people feeling the same as me. I have been married 20yrs and at the beginning of our marriage all was fine although I don't now looking back I think I married for the wrong reasons. My husband is a good man, caring out going and loving and good provider. For the last 5yrs our sexually relationship has been that great and if he dosen't make the first move like he says I never do. He always makes an effort hugs me and tries more in our relationship then I ever have. Why is it that I am so repulsed by his kiss when we are making love. Is it possible to rekindle our relationship cause i would really like to try any ideas!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks kandiapple for your response to my dilema. It's comforting to know I am not alone. I feel your pain!! All I can say from my own experience that affairs only prolong the inevitable process of dealing with your marriage. I think women are typically afraid to be alone so we "settle" for men that are not always right for us. Then with the romance fizzles, we are stuck with the same fear of being alone. I think most women have affairs because they are really looking for a soft place to land and the courage to leave a marriage that is not fulfilling anymore.

But while we search for the next best thing, we often end up having multiple affairs which lead us nowhere. I do think a good counselor will help you sort out your head which will help you make the right choice. Sometimes counseling helps you put your marriage back together and sometimes, it simply helps you come to terms with the reality that you've outgrown each other and need to move on. It's never an easy choice to end a marriage, no matter how awful you feel about staying with someone you no longer love. But you'll be better in the long run if you don't continue to live a lie or pretend you are happy when you are not. I wish you the best.

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A female reader, kandiapple Canada +, writes (1 December 2009):

I cant believe how many women feel this way. I have quite the story for you all and I need to know what to do to fix it.

I have been with my husband for almost 9 years. We have been married for 2 and a half years.

Im not really sure when this happened but it was a few years ago where I lost my desire for him. Over the last few years it has been getting worse.

Unfortunately I am one of those that has had an affair. The affair was bound to happen with this person because the person it was with I have known him since I was 8 years old and have loved him the entire time. The crazy part to that is that he is my ex-boyfriends best friend! ouch. But we have this amazing chemistry and it may be due to the fact that I have always loved him and desired him or that he is new and it is exciting but I really feel I love him more than I think I do.

But back to my husband, everything he does bugs me or turns me off. He is hairy and Ive tried to get him to wax or something but he doesnt like it, he has put on weight and I am a fitness instructor and cant drag him to work out, he has mild asthma and sucks on his puffer like he is turning blue, he doesnt need it, he is allergic to cats and I am the crazy cat lady, because of his allergies he blows his nose all the time and clear his throat - its gross, his breath smells and he although he showers everyday he doesnt clean all areas.

I am finding myself litterally repulsed by him, like having sex with a relative.

No amount of porn or lingerie, or toys will help as he doesnt like any of that stuff!

I want sex, I masturbate everyday but dread having sex with him.

He doesnt pay attention to what I want in bed, he is lazy in bed, forgot how to kiss, and tries too hard like a bad porn movie but at the same time is lazy.

I dont know what to do. I am young, I want sex, but not with him.

Im either going to continue cheating and get caught or get a divorce. I need help but can a thearapist actually help this??

PLEASE HELP!!

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A female reader, onahill United States +, writes (12 November 2009):

Ladies...here's a twist to the subject. Clearly as everyone has described, the lack of physical attraction to their husbands is REAL. It's a feeling that is there, it's not going away anytime soon, bottom line you love the guy be he just doesn't do it for you sexually, and you don't know what to do about it. PERIOD. Consider this...and I'm not sure what everyones religious background is, but I'm going to offer this as an example. Let's consider God and His love toward us. God created us, but our sin REPULSED Him. He loved us, but our sinful nature turned Him all the way off. This is kinda the same thing with our husbands(I know, but just hear me out). The way they do or don't do things in the bedroom simply turn us off, repulse us to the point we'd really rather not have anything to do with them sexually or at all. God had every right to leave us, to walk away from us because we didn't SATISFY Him in a sense of righteousness. But He did something very strange, instead of leaving us, He pursued after us...the very people that REPULSED Him, He set out on a love mission after them. What would happen if instead of leaving your husband, or shutting it down on him when it's time for sex...that you gave yourself to him even more? This is what I think will happen...your husband, who knows he REPULSES you (it aint hard to tell ladies, our body language has a way of giving it off even when we don't say so), will let himself go with you. He'll let HIS gaurd down and give himself FULLY to you. Because trust me, that wanna be porn star, corny, passion-less, sex he's giving you now is just as timid as yours is. When a man KNOWS you're loving him inspite of the fact that he doesn't turn you on, he will ROCK YOUR WORLD!!! This is what people do when they turn to God, when they know He loved them inspite of their shortcomings and faults, when they KNOW He loves them unconditionally, they give their lives to Him because it's the least they can do. I say don't walk away from your husband, don't walk away from your bedroom, but RUN to it...yes, our own satisfaction first is shallow...do something for him and watch him do more for you sexually. Give yourself hard and watch him give himself hard (literally). And don't do it just once, do it everytime. Love him harder, more freely, more passionately & watch him catch up to you...he'll notice you've let yourself go & then he'll let himself go & you'll get that SATISFYING sex EVERY TIME. This is my two pennies. God Bless

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A female reader, turtlebug2316 United States +, writes (16 June 2009):

Well basically Im going through the same issue with my husband and I. Everything you ladies said is what I deal with and have been dealing with since about 3 yrs ago. Got married too young and chose someone who could "take care of me" type thing.

Im leaving him and Ive chosen that I should not compromise myself as women and I am the priority in my own life. If you stay out of not hurting someones feelings then your sacrificing your own happiness right? Well after years of contemplating Im getting my own apartment and moving on. Who knows it might be worth it or it might not but, you cant go your entire life of not knowing if you should stay with this person.

We love our husbands but we arent "in love" with them anymore point blank! It happens and it is not a selfish behavior...its a normal behavior. Hello! This isn't the 1800's were woman cant work or vote. We are independant and its up to you to do this for yourself.

Dont stay with the man if he doesnt satify your needs in the bedroom, it will make you find it elsewhere and get you wrapped up in a fantasy land. Ive been there too and its not cool. The men get attached to married women quickly and then we are compromising ourselves again. Just try to avoid this at all costs.

Well I hope you all find your happiness again, as for me I will be working on it as well:)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009):

Hi,I have been married to my husband for three years. Before we were married I was seeing a tall, blonde, hansome guy. The blonde guy and I would go out every weekend to drink and then have amazing sex for hours. I had strong sexual feelings for the blonde guy and was sorta addicted to him physicaly. I didn't care if I got to know him, I told him that I loved him, but I didn't know anything about him. Anyway,the blonde guy didn't want to see eachother exclusivley, so I started dating my husband. My husband is hansome and sexy but he is not as sexual as the blonde guy was. And my husband is kind of fussy, like a gay man. He's not gay. but I feel like he is always judging me. He is also much older than the other guy. My husband is a good provider, he is loyal and thoughtful. I love him but he's not exciting like the guy from my past. I think somtimes we just want some excitment, not so much a new relationship. I would be satisfied if my husband would be more exciting and spontanious.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009):

I'm a guy and have been married for the past 2 1/2 years. We have one child. My wife since before we were married mentioned to me that there were things that she found were unattractive to her about me. We both knew full well the concerns. I have scholiosis and my rib sticks out at times and she thinks it makes me look fat. When in reality i'm 156lbs and 5'9 1/2". I'm not chubby at all. In Fact i'm not really muscular to her. she has been telling me that i need to go to the gym and got on my case a lot about it. she would be critical to me and i would be stubborn and say that she needed to let me feel that desire. We would have a lot of arguments due to this lack of attraction. I even began to see myself judging her back. I stopped myself and realized i needed help. She has a sis. that has a similar deal as her as far as not being attracted to her husband and she cheats on her husband. I love my wife very much and i hope she will not go that route.

I am now going to the gym out of my own desire and i am willing to do a lot to keep this together. the best way to overcome any of this is to have unconditional love. sex is important, friendship is important and attraction is imporant as well. I've found that when i have been critical to my wife about something it wasn't really about her, it was something that hasn't been resolved within me. If you want your marriage to work it can. You can make it. Even if it doesn't have the courage to stay faithful or leave. If you leave it's better to remain faithful to your spouse so in your next relationship you don't have all that guilt or habbits to overcome. If you are wanting to feel that love try to use the book called the love dare. it's a 40 day experience. I'm not part of the religion its showing but it has things that helped me to feel unconditional love toward my wife no matter what she does. if she cheated on me i would love her but probably not stay in it. because i am faithful and i really couldn't handle that. but we never know what happens.

A lot of the reason i've noticed that criticisms and cheating happens is because of selfishness. When we focus on our needs and don't have unconditional love. No one can have that love for their spouse all the time but it is possible if you are willing to put forth the effort.

The love dare had an interesting metaphor, if you buy a car and it eventually keeps breaking down you take it to a shop right? then the mechanic says it will cost a lot of money. Well instead of fixing the car they buy a new model. which anyone would do.

the second scenario: a man crushes his hand goes to the dr. and finds out it will cost a lot of money in surgery to fix the hand. The person would pay all the money to fix it right? this anyone would do as well.

A lot of people treat marriage or their partnership as the broken down car. Instead of realizing their partner is more like their hand. what will you treat your partner as?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009):

to the last poster.

thank you for your advice. i will take it. i have been considering an affair for a long time now. i think of other men when we have sex - its how i get thru it. but i will not act on it. the love is there for my husband, only the sexual chemistry is not. i could never hurt him, i don't want to lose that cozy, loving trust. i don't want to deal with the mess an affair brings to a person's life.

thank you for your advice. i think if anything i'm going to start to consider looking into a sex therapist :)

good luck and best wishes to you in your journey.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank God I am not alone!! I am utterly amazed by the responses I've gotten over this problem. To the last female poster, annon. thank you for sharing your thoughts. LIke you, I don't think I was ever attracted to my husband, but I knew he would be good for me. I totally underestimated the whole chemistry thing, but when you're 19 years old, and desperate to be seen as an "adult" you don't like about things like that. Now as an adult woman, it's biting me on the butt. I don't recommend affairs. Been there, done that. It's a dead end street. Plus it's addicting. And it will eat away at the "friendship" comfy, cozy feeling you have for your husband later. And you'll feel horribly guilty. Instead of having a string of affairs, I probably should have just faced facts years ago and filed for a divorce. Now, it's much harder; I'm older, he's more devastated (thinking everything was just fine) so hang in there with him, or get out. Don't sit on the fence like I did. Best of luck to all of you. so glad to know I'm not alone!!! xoxoxox

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2009):

Wow, I'm not the only one! Why don't women ever talk about this? I thought I was alone in feeling like this. I too am no longer sexually attracted to my husband of 6 years. Truth is I don't think I ever was. He wasn't my type to begin with. At the time and even now, he is the type I need. He's my rock, my best friend, my favorite person. I enjoy spending time with him, I miss him when he's not around, however... I dread having sex with him. We've tried everything... sex toys, video's, dressing up. but im not turned on by him. he's a good looking guy but the chemistry is not there at all. It hasn't been for years. I've beening of other men, some from the past other I've seen around, thats the way I get through the sex with my husband. And another thing I've never told anyone, his breath is really bad. So it makes sex even harder to bare. I've discussed it with him many times but he doesn't seem to care. I guess he feels he's married now, he doesn't have anyone to impress. My husband is a wonderful guy, he just doesn't turn me on. Recently, I've thought about having an affair. I've even thought about suggesting swinging to him... but he would never share me with anyone, and truth is... it would kill me to share him. Damn, I'm immature, selfish and shallow. I know I've got my own issues. I don't want to leave him, I know it would kill him, thought I believe he would be fine. He's got a loving family, lots of friends, hobbies and people like him. He would be fine. I'm the sad case. I don't know how to want my husband, I don't know how to enjoy sex like I use to. Thanks for listening

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A female reader, luzern Switzerland +, writes (27 March 2009):

thank god i found this website.it seems as if this is a problem that is all over the world. i love my husband, i am not in love with him. i feel so so sick in my stomach sometimes when he wants to make love with me and this does not happen often anymore. less than twice in a month. we are married now over 3 years. i made a big mistake,i was never really wawawum with him, but he was with me. i guess the way he treats me ( i am his princes,miss world miss univers) is what i feel in love with. but so many little things are not working anymore, i can not hold hands i can not kiss him the way he likes it, i can not make love with him,he does it and i am so glad when it is over. i lost 10 pounds already and i have told my girlfriend about it. there is no write or wrong ,it just happend. and he is a good person,that is what hurts to most. he does dream a lot that i will meet someone else and then he tells me,he would not wanna be on this planet anymore without me. he loves me like there is no tomorrow. he has a fear of losing me, and i start to think that will happen.

now i have met a new guy,we have great sex, he does not pressure me into leaving my husband,he tells me ,take your time and sort things out. that is hard,because i feel like this for the past year of more. now that i met this new guy, i seem happy all the time and i am not home often. my husband takes it all, he does feel something is not the same,but he trusts me ,so he told me.

i feel sick i feel bad and i pray my husband would fall in love with another woman. i am not bad, i just let my feeling go with the other guy.i do need a miracle.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009):

Hi, I really think a bit of bordedom can be managed by 'spicing' things up, but true loss of attraction will lead to loss of love in the end. I love my boyfriend, he is wonderful really but I am no longer attracted to him sexually. I slept with someone else and although we are sill together,and he knows, I still crave that other person. The things that I got from the affair I can't have with my boyfriend, he is too gentle for what I need. I stay with him because we have the same sense of humour, we want the same things in life and I love him very much as a person. But in the end I think I know I will have to leave him because I'm already after 6 weeks trying to avoid having sex with him and when I imagine the rest of my life without feeling as connected sexually to a person as I did with the affair I want to cry. Anyone who feels like this will eventually start to resent the person who still loves and desires them, it's cruel and I have to stop too.

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A male reader, wiseacre United States +, writes (5 March 2009):

Just read all the answers here and it prompted me to create an account so I could add my response.

First, it may be tough and it may be sad, but it's good you moved out and are trying to move on. It's what's best for both of you.

You don't marry someone with whom you feel no romantic love and sexual attraction. To do so is selfish. People use each other sometimes and it saddens me to read all the responses here that sound like a lot of that's going on in the world.

You need to be honest with yourself and your spouse. We all do. When people have these feelings and deceive their spouse, it's manipulative, selfish, and abusive.

Sometimes the truth hurts. But telling the truth now will hurt a lot less in the long run than deceiving and lying for years and only THEN telling the truth.

Believe me, I was in my first marriage for seven years. Then my wife (at the time) told me she basically wanted a divorce, she never had enjoyed sex with me, and wasn't sure she ever really loved me.

That was 15 yrs ago. I am in a loving, stable marriage now with a wonderful woman. But the damage done to me by the seven years of deceit by my first wife took YEARS to overcome. It can take the rest of a person's life to learn to trust another person again.

Ladies, please don't continue deceiving your husbands. Neither of you are happy and neither of you ever will be that way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009):

How could you do this to him? This isn't fair to him. He deserves to be loved by a woman that will Love him. You knew in your heart of hearts he wasn't 'The One' didn't you? He was safety and security, but the love was brotherly. You've brought this unhappiness on yourself. Better to be single and stay true to yourself, than married and miserable.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your input. The last poster seems to have a better understanding than anyone I've read so far!! There were no children in my marriage, so at least I don't have to worry about how this will affect them. But I do have to deal with the weight of tremendous guilt and disappointment that I do not share the same feelings for my husband as he does for me. And you're absolutely right -- no amount of sexy lingerie is going to create sexual attraction when it's simply not there. My husband is my best friend but a large part of any marriage is based on the sexual relationship a man and woman share with each other. You cannot ignore the fact that aside from the baseball games, the shopping trips and vacations you will share your bed with this person and sex will be expected. It might be different if neither of us had sexual desire for each other -- in some ways that might have been better but I also know deep down inside that I do enjoy sex, and I probably would not be happy existing without it. On the other hand, it's very hard to imagine having sex with your brother, or your father, correct? Well that's how it feels every time we're together. Those of you who have never experienced this intense loss of desire have no idea what it must be like. It is terrible and you cannot ignore it, or cover it up with a piece of sexy lingerie. You cannot lie in bed night after night, picturing someone else's hands on you, because eventually that will lead you somewhere that is worse than simply leaving the marriage. I am continually amazed by how many women are in this boat. Perhaps it's the fate of most long-term relationships. I mean, can you spend every day with someone and not eventually see them less like a lover, and more like a brother?....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009):

Wow! I guess there ARE many of us out there who feel this way. I have discussed it with my closest friends, but the advice is always the same: just spice it up..or think of someone else. Been there. Done that. It doesn't help.

When you are genuinely appreciative of your man but feel NO attraction to him physically, then really we are talking about a friendship. We married our friends, right? So, what's the problem?

The problem is that HE sees us different. None of us want to reject them, but you can't fake true desire. I don't know if staying is the answer, but I do know if there are kids it is impossible not to be confused. You don't want to hurt them, yet you do either way by 1-rejecting them physically or 2-divorcing them.

I think we need the input of a man. A man who has been there. Any takers?

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A female reader, Mom-of-4 United States +, writes (16 February 2009):

I'm amazed to see how many women in so many different stages of marriage are experiencing this same dilemma. We've been married for 7 years and I'm experiencing the same thing. I have the greatest, sweetest, hardest working hubby anyone can imagine. And he's fine too! But I cringe at the thought of having sex with him. (I can't believe I'm actually saying this!) He complains that we don't make love enough. My complaint is that when we do, it's absolutely horrible! Bad thing is that he can bring himself to complain about the lack of sex in our marriage ( and quite often, I might add), but I can't bring myself to tell him that he just does not satisfy me anymore. Sometimes it's his weight (he's gained quite a few pounds and it can be crushingly uncomfortable!). Sometimes he kills the mood by talking too much or saying something stupid. Sometimes I try to get into it by thinking of how much I love him during sex and he'll say something vulgar and blow the whole thing. Maybe I'm picky, I don't know, but I just want to be made love to the way a man makes love to a woman. Not the way a wanna-be thug has sex with a Saturday night club ho! OK, there. I got it out. I mean, there's a time for the wilder side of things and there's a time to make love to your woman. I guess it takes the exceptional man to know the difference. Well, I know I haven't answered any questions here, but I guess just knowing that we're not alone in this sort of thing is a step to healing. No so much that misery loves company, but we don't have to feel so isolated in our problem and maybe we can learn to laugh at ourselves while we search for our answer.

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A female reader, itchyworm Italy +, writes (27 December 2008):

Hi there,Im trying to google "im not sexually attracted to my husband" and i found this,I grew up in a catholic conservative family,i married virgin.Its strange because after one and half year of being married,i cant bring myself to have sex with my husband,I married him because I know he can take care of me and i can grow old with him,i love him but im not inlove with him,and i dont want to leave him,and ive noticed myself being drawn to the other guys as well,but i dont want to cheat on him,i want my marriage to work i swear,but he cant turn me on

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008):

Very sad to realize that even mature women still think that sex and money are the things they feel they must have in order to be happy. Sex and money are the cosmic jokes. Depending on them for contentment will send you on wild goose chase. There is no saying where that ride could lead you, but one thing is sure – it is a dead end road. People like the original author of this subject has been falling in that hole and getting themselves in trouble throughout the history of humankind.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008):

Guys,

Maybe you should read this...it may help.

http://womensinfidelity.com/

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A female reader, haelharobed United States +, writes (5 August 2008):

Well, I googled "I am not physically attracted to my husband," and this is what I got. We have only been married about a year. I'm 31, he is 36. I knew when he and I got together that he wasn't my type, physically. In college, I was a major flirt, I loved the handsome, mysterious foreign men, and had a great time with them. Somehow, amazingly, I escaped with no long-term problems (STDs, etc.). But I felt that I wanted to settle down, have a family, get my priorities straight and stop falling for gorgeous men who weren't right for me. When I met my husband, I believed that because he is sweet, good-hearted, hard-working, that we have a ton in common and have common dreams and values, and because he is crazy attracted to me, my lack of physical attraction would change over time. It hasn't. And in fact, I find myself more repulsed and looking for excuses to get out of sex all the time. The thing is, it's not just sex –– I really wouldn't mind it, but he asks me to give him oral sex almost every single day. He will say things like, "I told you when we started dating that I have a really high sex drive, I wish I didn't, but I can't help it." This drives me nuts. I would be happy with no sex. I hate it, because I really love him in all the ways I think are necessary and good for a marriage, but this sex thing is really starting to get old. And he will compare me to his ex-wife, who never wanted as much sex as him, even though he has told me that I give him more than she ever did. Sometimes I think he is just immature and selfish in this area. Now I am pregnant with our first child, and it's more difficult than ever to feel sexy with him –– and worse, I met a man the other evening who made me weak in the knees. He was the old type I used to go after – handsome, foreign, polite, sexy – and I swear the way he was looking at me, he liked me too. I will have future opportunities to run into this guy. He is younger. He knows I'm married. He knows my husband. I can never imagine myself cheating, but I have already been fantasizing about him. I am scared because this is only our first year of marriage! How in the world am I going to make it 50 years? Sorry, this isn't really an answer. Just a comment and shared frustration. You're not alone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

An earlier poster asked: "How do you choose between chemistry and your best friend?" This is the question at hand. I too cheated on my long term partner. As a result of my promiscuous nature, I attracted genital herpes into my life. I no longer cheat. Unfortunately, my loyal boyfriend now has the same disease because of my selfish mistakes. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. It may be this guilt that prevents me from leaving him even though I am not sexually attracted to him. Trust me, I feel terrible about what I have done to both of us.

Right now, I am debating about whether or not I should marry him. Sounds crazy, right? I have absolutely no sexual attraction for him. He is, however, a good person. He needs me to support him. He lacks motivation to better his life, and this often makes me feel disgusted with him. I have always been a person who has named and then attained my goals in life. I have tried to motivate him by example, but he remains stagnant.

I may be afraid to be alone now. I mean, I have genital herpes. If I leave my boyfriend whom loves me unconditionally despite the fact I have the disease, I may very well be alone for a very long time. I feel like such a selfish b*tch as I write this. There is another part of me that believes being alone may be exactly what I need. I obviously had a very low self esteem while I was cheating on my boyfriend. I may still have a low self esteem, and being alone to fend for myself may be what I need to enhance this aspect of my life. I have actually proposed to my current boyfriend that we break up or even separate. However, he is still with me. He loves acting and recently took an acting class in Chicago (I had purchased these lessons for him as a birthday gift). He absolutely loved it. I could sense his passion igniting. When he returned back to where we live (back to a home with a girlfriend that is not sexually attracted to him), he became depressed again. I knew I was depleting his energy. I told him to return to Chicago. I told him to take a chance and follow his heart. He made up excuses not to go back. Now, we live together, and he mopes around the house and reminds me of how terrible I am for constantly making up excuses not to sleep with him. I have flat out told him that I do not want to have sex with him. I wish he had the self esteem to leave me. I do care for him and I want him to find true happiness. I guess that is why I feel that I should marry him (btw, our marrying will allow him to be covered by my health insurance….right now, he is uninsured and is not motivated to find a job with benefits). I know that sex isn’t everything. I am actually content with not having sex anymore. He, however, is miserable. Why would he want to marry me? I sometimes feel that I would have to move to a new place and not tell him for him to be free of me and to force him to take responsibility for his own life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008):

I too am in a predicament. As women we always tend to forgive and let ourselves feel guilt when in actuality, when a relationship fails it is not all YOUR fault. We as women have got to stop blaming ourselves and making ourselves feel bad for wanting to branch out and explore life. Times change and people grow, our days are all numbered and sometimes I dont think we realize that. A lot of times in marriages we feel as though something is missing. Like an empty hole that we cant quite seem to fill. Sometimes for women, regaining your independence fills that empty space in your heart because youre not relying on a man or with a man period! You can do what you want, when you want to, live out some of your most inner fantasies and dreams, and have wild sex with that perfect man that you daydream about, even if it is just one night. Its like a new movie that just came out with Jack Nicholson "The Bucket List", all the things you want to do before you "kick the bucket!" We are not happy because sometimes we feel as though there is more we would like to achieve, places we would like to travel, friends we would like to meet, education we would like to receive-- sometimes this may even occur after all the children have "left the nest." I guess what i am trying to say is (cliche) "you only live once," so why be confined to folding his boxers in the laundry unit, or cleaning the never-ending pile of dishes, or in my case listening to his perverted jokes night after night.... Isn't it about time for some YOU-time and not so much HIM-time or WE-time?!?

One more thing, I guess if/when you decide to leave and once youre free you may have some problem with loneliness at times when youre all alone and you dont have youre hairy 180 lb. ex-husband in your bed. But ultimately you have so much more that that:

1.Standing up for yourself; PRIDE

2.Courage within

3.INDEPENDENCE

4.freedom!

5.endless possibilities; adventure

6.opportunity to make new friends

Please respond and tell me what you think bout all this!!

love always!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

It's really sad that some people don't understand how couples can grow apart as they mature and grow into adults. This is why so many parents discourage kids from getting married when they are young. It can work out, but it often does not after you become an adult and figure out what you want and need in a mate, as I have discovered. Some people will never understand this until they've gone through it themselves. My husband never wanted kids, a dream I had to give up and now resent. He is not much of a conversationalist, not much into socializing - two things I thrive on. We are just on different planes and no amount of sexy lingerie, or counseling can create chemistry where there is none. All counseling did for us, was to help me see that I am in a dead-end relationship that is neither fulfilling me emotionally, or romantically and it's not really his fault. It's mine. I am willing to stand up and admit that I am part of the problem. But I am not willing to sit on the sidelines and watch my life go by, just to satisfy what others think I should do about my marriage and my life. My advise is take a good, hard look and make sure you're not just going through a phase that can be addressed and solved through counseling. And if you're really unhappy or unfulfilled and there seems to be no answer, don't feel guilty about moving on. I don't think God punishes anyone for outgrowing the person they married. Even Moses was granted a divorce.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008):

Im in the same situation. If he never came home, I wouldnt care. Not really my best friend though. We have grown older and apart. There has been a lot of resentment in the way he has handled his ex wife and his son. (He actually went back to her while he and I were dating.Like a fool, I thought I forgave him) Now I resent him for all the lies in the past. Its like I woke up and said "Whoa! Who was that chick that put up with all the lies and nonsense?" At that time, i was vulnerable, just divorced and feeling very insecure. But now, I know Im the one who has changed and needs to move on. But he is a "goodist" and everyone just loves him. We have a great home, cars, boats, etc., but none of this matters when you hate to go home after work. Im also suffering health problems. I can literally feel my back tensing up when hes around. Im a mess! This stuff happens I dont know why and have no answers. I do know that marriage is not for me and want out, just dont know how to do it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008):

I am so understanding your issue. I have a good husband and I KNOW he loves me and would never cheat. I have no plans to cheat and to be honest growing up with a mother who did cheat...its not something I want to do. I do want however to have the kinda sex life that I fantisize about. Although my husband knows what buttons to press to make sex very satisfing...that soap opera passion is not there for me. Although I was never sexually attracted to him..I would like to look at my husband with a bit of fantasy. I wonder how to cure this dilemia. You are not alone .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008):

“But I always thought people who didn't love themselves were much more destructive”......yes that very true. People who don’t love themselves are very destructives and have tendencies to destroy everything that is dear to them not only their bodies but also their relationships by not supplying any effort to energize a relationship, by cheating on their spouses, by mixing their priorities or focusing on material things that can be acquired anytime and so on.......

Marrying so young is not a reason to drift away from your husband (we all did). I can understand that being young you did not know exactly what you wanted and your priorities in life were very fuzzy. However, from what you wrote years later, you still think like a very immature woman , with statements such as: “Women are competitive creatures who are always trying to live up to the image deemed valuable by Hollywood, Playboy and the man of our dreams......” Wait for a minute...... mature women image is what is inside our mind, is what we think we are and not what anybody even Hollywood thing we got to be. Mature women are active not reactive of how everyone think that we should look. Mature women have a high self esteem, we don’t stand with smile showing our cleavage and hoping that someone will be interested in us. No, we go get what we want because inside we know that we are worthy. Yes 90% of women out there are insecure but why you want be one of them? Again, step in front of a mirror and tell me the person that you want to see: your best friend, your greatest enemy or both?

If you want to be happy, you need to sit down and think about the difference between being happy and being entertained, being emotional healthy and living emotional roll coasters, achieving own goals and looking successful in other people eyes. Loving yourself imply stopping competing with every other woman (that’s procrastination) and starting living a full life with purpose and enthusiasm – but that will not be possible if you don’t accept who you are, loves the person you are and stop responding to what Hollywood and Playboy want you to be. If (your) ideal idea of modern woman is the image set by Hollywood, Playboy and the man of our dream, you don’t know about yourself, you only try to catch up to what others think you should be. How can you love yourself if you don’t even know who you are, if you don’t even know what you want or want to become (except what your man want you to be). You don’t even know anything about a man of your dream girl, because if he is the image set by Hollywood, he keeps changing every year and he will change tomorrow as Hollywood change.

Girl, Welcome to mid-life-crisis. If you want to grow up and be an adult.....you will have to give up some cherished notions and old ways of doing and looking at things. Do not be like many people - Quoting a famous author: “Many people are either unwilling or unable to suffer the pain of giving up the outgrown which needs to be forsaken. Consequently, they cling. Often forever, to their old patterns of thinking and behaving, thus failing to negotiate any crisis, to truly grow up, and to experience the joyful sense of rebirth that accompanies the successful transition into greater maturity”.

I refuse to think that you simply drifted apart from your husband because you married so young. You drifted apart from your husband because you are lazy to work on your relationship and do not love yourself enough to work on your personal development. In the end I have to say that I admire your intellectual sense because you did not take my previous post personally: after I re-read it, I think that my style of writing is kind of critical....but that is my way of being objective.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008):

Have you tried to explain to your husband sexual techniques that he could use to turn you on? If what he does to you feels good, you may begin to look forward to his attentions-- i.e., become more attracted to him.

Hope you manage to work it out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008):

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To the last anon.aunt; I appreciate you thorough response but I am curious as to how you concluded that when a couple who simply drifts apart and have basically nothing in common, could somehow be based on my inability to love myself? I'm not really sure how to connect those dots. Maybe I just don't know the symptoms of a person who does not love themselves. But I always thought people who didn't love themselves were much more destructive; abusing drugs, alcohol, cutting themselves, anorexia, bulimia and other self-abusive behaviors. And I can tell you I am none of those things. I came from a good family, got a good education, worked my way up the corporate ladder. I simply drifted apart from my husband because we married so young. And here's a news flash, if you scratched the surface you'd probably find that 90% of all women have some degree of low self-esteem. Women are competitive creatures who are always trying to live up to the image deemed valuable by Hollywood, Playboy and the man of our dreas. We always think our thighs are too chunky, our waistlines too thick, or too thin; we frequently wish our hair was thicker, longer, more blonde -- the list goes on but I highly doubt that any of us are incapable of loving ourselves.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008):

The thing about people who lack self-discipline is that they cannot control themselves. Discipline comes through self-control. This means that one must control all negative qualities. Before you can control conditions, you must first control yourself. Self-mastery is the hardest job you will ever tackle. If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. You may see at one and the same time both your best friend and your greatest enemy, by stepping in front of a mirror.

Married folks who involve themselves in extramarital affairs have one thing in common: lack of self control. Lack of self control is mostly associated with lack of self value and lack of self esteem. A person who doesn’t have self esteem cannot have strong love for self and perhaps cannot give love to someone else. How can you give something that you don’t have? It just does not add up.

You mentioned that you did not have a strong self esteem, well; you still do not have any self esteem. People who have a strong self esteem can accept to receive love because the strong sense of self let them give it in return. People without self value have difficult to receive because deep down in themselves, they feel that they don’t deserve to receive anything. They select to see only what they don’t have, what they lack, what they miss, what life should have been instead of what they have, the blessing they have, the people God brought in their lives… and that is how they destroy their lives and the lives of those who love them.

We women think that men and their love will bring happiness to us; in reality happiness is in some safe place within our heart, it just up to us to find that place. Sometimes we want all the attention from a man, we complain to him, we turn him into our crutch to later become an undesirable object in our eyes when he gave in into our feeling driven tantrums, as consequence, we lose every interest we had in him, we cheat on him and then leave him. Have you heard the saying that women love guys who treat them badly? Guess you did. When you start loving yourself, you’ll find that place of happiness inside yourself, you’ll see that a man who loves you is a bonus and you’ll realize that the one and only condition that you can love someone endlessly is because they love you back.

Attraction is not a choice; however love is a conscious choice. The good new is that with a self aware mind, attraction can be ignited, triggered however it require a lot of work to keep that flame alive. If you are lazy and don’t have self discipline, you can divorce your husband, you find someone you are attracted too but eventually attraction will wear off and you will be back on square one. Imagine if you find someone that you are attracted to, someone who don’t love you as your husband do, someone who control you and mess up your mind…you won’t be here thinking about yourself and lack of sexual interest but you will be depressed and looking for psychiatric help. The only reason you think about yourself and your sexual needs is that you have safety in your heart that your husband is there emotionally when you need him and you take it as guaranteed....that safety, that peace of mind is a gift of God, it is grace and it usually disguised as something else.

Take your husband to counseling (actually ask him to get counseling), he may have self esteem issues himself (if not what kind of man that marry a woman dumped by his brother). It is your job for both of you to make this work. When you accepted him to be your husband you accept him for a very good reason: self love. You know that he will take care of you and that you grow old with him. If he still cares and loves you he stills the man of his commitments. Also remember that when you marry a man you make three commitments:

1)A commitment to God : To have faith in Him, to have faith in yourself (even in difficult time), to love yourself and give some of that love to your husband for better and for worst

2)A commitment to self that you love yourself no matter what and that you will give your love to your husband who love you and protect you

3)A commitment to your husband that you will stay faithful to him and love him for better and for worst

It is clear that you violated all those commitments because you don’t love yourself. In the end you need to know than in all, first and last, in all you care and love and everything you do, in all you know and all that you do not know …there is one thing that is most important, there one person that is most important in your life. The most important thing is self love and most important person is Self. If that is fixed in your mind, it is almost impossible not to love and be attracted to those who value and care for that most important being. For now, step in front of a mirror and tell me the person that you want to see: your best friend, your greatest enemy or both?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008):

Obviously I only know as much as you have written here. But from what I can see it looks like you think of him as more of a best friend (again I dont know if thats true or not) You may have been really vulnerable at the time, and enjoyed the attention he was giving you. You say you can't imagine your life without him, but again this may be because you think of him as a best friend. You could maybe try talking to him about it (bearing in mind it may be heartbreaking for him) and see how he feels. Think of why you arent sexually attracted to him, if you can't see past these things, you can't force yourself to feel that way, as you will end up hurting him and yourself. With whatever you decide to do... good luck xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008):

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To the last "anon-poster" thanks for you advise but not all people fall into the pigeon-hole textbook examples of human behavior. I for one, came from a loving, nurturing family. My parents stayed happily married and together until the day my mother passed away. I was close to both my parents and my Dad was always there for me with love and support and though we were somewhat poor, my parents gave me lots of love. I may not have had the latest, most expensive toy as a child, but I was given plenty of love. So much for your textbook examples of why women do this, or do that. Now I will say, my insecurities mainly came from the fact that I was a homely kid and even though I later blossomed into an attractive woman, I still carry around that image in my head so you get points for assessing that some of my problems do come from self esteem issues, however they are not family induced. But this is probably what led me to marry so young in life and pick someone I wasn't necessarily attracted to. I didn't think I could do better. I didn't have enough confidence in myself to think I could hold out for someone who would have more in common with me, and hold my attention. So there's where my faults lie. In not seeing my own beauty and capability as a woman. Now that I'm older and grown up, I now know myself better and realize what's missing in my life. Never did I once say that my husband was the problem here. The problem has always been me. You didn't stumbled onto any revelations there and in visiting with my therapist, I have been able to at least pinpoint why I ended up in a marriage that left me feeling flat. Now I just have to get past my own guilt and move on with my life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

There is this kind of women who have a history of being attracted to men who will always disrespect them, f**k them and leave them. Mostly those women grow up in homes where the parents did not take time to nurture their children. Years later, those women grow up with a very poor self esteem and the reality catches up with them.

Those women don’t know what love is about; all they know is the excitement and trill associated with the unpredictability and careless of the men they are attracted to.

What those people do not realize is that the baggages from childhood still follow them until the day they will die. Poor self esteem is the result of abandonment or lack of strong attachments. I found this in girls who did not have a strong relationship with their father. Those girl (trying to recreate childhood experiences) will be attracted to men who will reject them, then try hard to change them to give a good ending to their childhood experiences but this will never be the case. Pursuing those men (who have their own issues to deal with) will always end in agony.

The point is that if your husband is a man with a strong self esteem and he treats you like a worthy human being but in return you are not attracted to him sexually.....the problem is not him but you. You do not love yourself. In your case, you don’t even have self discipline to stay faithful to your marriage.....so you don’t have self value. You need to feel like a valuable person before you can be attracted to a person who treats you such. In the mean time, you should seek pro-therapy read “Addicked”

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008):

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Thank you all so much for your responses!! I was surprised (but encouraged) to see that so many women are in this same boat -- many of us have married the "safe guy" but sacrificed the passion and chemistry we found in other men who were not as stable. I am still wrestling with the whole, right-and-wrong of this thing. Do I stay with him, and just keep faking it? Or do I go ahead and pull the plug and hope that I will find what I'm looking for?....Knowing that I really do not want to be alone, nor do I want to place myself in a situation of financial or emotional desperation, in which I will be inclined to "settle" again for someone who does not turn me on. What a dilema! Luckily I didn't have kids, so for those of you who do, please don't feel bad about staying in your marriages because your kids will benefit in the long run. I've often wondered if I might've been more "centered" had my husband wanted children; but probably not. I would've just felt more inclined to stay. Thank you all for your responses. I will continue to give this decision much thought and prayer and hope that one day I will reach a decision I can live with. xoxox

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008):

I am in the same boat....I'm now 36 and after being heartbroken by every guy I felt I ever "loved", I pretty much settled for my husband. At the point when I met him, I was totally broke, hated my job, was in love with someone who will never love me in return, and had no real friends or family...I still see him once in a while and it still breaks my heart to see him with his girfriend who, doesn't love him, but he is madly in love with her....Ain't love grand!!! My husband was there at the right time and was and is still madly in love w/me which I feel is safe and heartbreak free...I married him because I didn't want to be alone, nor could I afford it and also wanted the family unit I did not have growing up..We have one son and another child on the way....He is a great guy but the thought of having sex w/him repulses me and I too can't wait to get it over with and don't even want to kiss him...At this point in my life, I cannot imagine breaking his heart or leaving my kids and no longer believe in reciprocal love...You are not alone and life certainly is not a fairy tale...Unfortunately!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008):

I have this same problem too. I'm three weeks into a trial separation now and still sitting on the fence about whether to give it another go or to give up on the marriage. I just don't feel the sexual attraction towards my husband that I should. I hate it when he kisses me too.I love him to bits though, he's my best friend and father to my children. How can I make myself desire him sexually? Any ideas?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I especially enjoyed reading the post from 'girl20'...surely you are older than 20 years old because you are incredibly wise for your age if so. I think what you said is partly true. I think I gave into the idea of marrying my husband because the men I tend to be attracted to, also tend to be unstable in relationships. I don't think it's the instability I'm actually attracted to, but their take on life. I love a guy who's comfortable in his own skin, he's fun to be around, funny, spontaneous, and not afraid to be a bit goofy at times and playful. Unfortunately most guys who are like this, are not relationship material. I was so tired of falling for men like this, and then getting my heart broken, I decided my husband was probably a better man for me. But he really lacks the ability to make me laugh, or be interesting on so many levels. He's not at all playful, in fact he's way too serious about things, which makes me too serious and I don't like being serious all the time because life is too short and I'm still young enough to try new things. This is when I started realizing that I was probably never attracted to my husband, I chose him because he seemed "safe" and indeed as far as my heart is concerned, he has been safe. But the lack of chemistry, common interests and sexual interest between us has taken its toll. I can no longer justify staying with a man simply because he's safe. I'm not happy and that is something I am having to face. So no, I have not gone back to him and probably won't. Just giving him time to adjust. Thanks so much for all of your posts.

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A female reader, girl 20 United States +, writes (28 March 2008):

I think its interesting reading over all (almost all of them) of these and the same thing in common is "he is so good to me, he treats me great but I am not attracted to him. I wonder if anyone else has made that connection. They all these women, including myself!, aren't "in love" with someone who generally would be a really good partner for them.

I am in the same situation..but I think there is more to it then just 'im not attracted to him anymore'.

I have a history of being attracted to men who did not always treat me with respect (not calling when they said they would, losing interest in me after we had sex, men who very much were charming during the 'chase' phase and cooled off after they got me). I had lots of short term relationships with hot sex, and lots of major infatuations/crushes on guys. But looking back, all those guys that it didn't last with,that I had passion for, were guys who did not treat me right or respect me and what I had to offer. Funny, isn't it?

I think a lot of this, not everyone of course, has to do with liking the exictment and 'games' of a relationship that keeps you on the edge. For some reason, you always love those guys. But when you find someone who is stable and truly loving, you feel respected, but that hot passion isnt there. That is why everyone is like "he is so great, but I just don't love him, but I can't seem to leave him".

A part of you is attracted to the love and respect he gives you, but the other part, the part that likes the games, is not.

This is at least what I have figured out for myself and my friends in this situation.

NOw, if I imagined my husband (or boyfriend) treating my the way those other guys treated me...over time...I see myself feeling more sexually attracted to him, because its like I can't neccesarily have him then, and he is putting no real demands on me or the relationship because he is not totally emotionally available.

Bottom line, I think all of this has more to do with yourself, and not your husband or boyfriend. In my case included. I have not got it all figured out, obviously since I am here...but what I have figured out is that it has to do with me more then him.

Think about if you get excited by the 'games' of a new relationship? As soon as things settle down and get normal and real, the passion is going to fade, like it always does even in healthy relationships. And I have also realized that if I were to leave my guy for another who I felt 'crazy' about...If I were to leave for passion I felt in another, eventually...that passion would fade, in months or maybe if your lucky years...and then what? You will feel the same again..asking 'what do i do?! I dont love him/have passion for him!!!"

...Passion is not love. What is true love to you? Does it equal ONLY feeling passion for someone...or does it eqaul something past physical passion?

Look to yourself and find out if a deep hidden part of you feels like you don't deserve being treated with love and honor?

Look at your past relationships and see if they were healthy and you felt not much passion...or if perhaps there was a lot of games or they were very short term and you felt TONS of passion...that is no coincedence.

Why is it safe to not let yourself love this man, who truly loves you, but it is safer to love the men (or women) who aren't really available (aka - doesn't treat you right, is married, or you are married and you can't have that other person). Does keeping someone at arms length make it easier for you as there aren't as many demands and responsiblities? THese are all questions I have had to ask myself..and as time goes by I feel like I get closer and closer to what the real cause of this is within me.

It was by not mistake that I attracted/married this person..there is a big lesson here that needs to be learned. And usually its not "oops, I married the wrong guy, I'll just go find another..." Perhaps its needing to stand up for yourself and find what real love is for you, maybe its realizing that true love is not what would match your 'movie style' expectations. Good luck to everyone here. Obviously this will not apply to everyone, but I think it will effect a good amount of the other women going through this with me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008):

I want to know what happened, did u get back with him?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008):

im so unhappy an dhave the same problem. but i love her to much to do this to her so i just do what i can to please her and realise i'll never have a sex life. but there is much, much more to life than sex.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007):

Hi Girls. I came across this page because I was in the same situation. I want to offer you a solution other than leaving your best friend in life. It's true that you need all the aspects of love in your life to be happy with him. If you are not getting the passion now, even if you've gotten to the point of being repulsed by him physically, maybe that can be changed so that you can be fulfilled in this relationship in all aspects.

I'm suggesting the possibility that he's not turning you on NOT because he's incapable of doing so, but because he just doesn't know how. If he could learn how to attract you and you could learn how to teach him to attract you, all could be resolved.

I couldn't stand kissing my boyfriend, he would mash his mouth all over me and slobber. Trying to tell him what I wanted just turned me off more. So I just got through the intimacy, with minimal kissing, and told myself I didn't mind. But of course I did.

One day I was listening to A Perfect Circle's, When the Levee Breaks. It's such a sensual song with the perfect kissing groove. I started fantasizing about kissing someone else. That night I put the song on, told my boyfriend to keep his head back on the couch and not kiss me and just let me kiss him. I showed him how I want to be kissed. He got it and kissed me that way! It turned me on so much I just went with it and started teaching more things. Naked against the wall, I told him in breathy whispers how to start at my feet and slowly, slowly work up my leg with his fingers just lightly brushing my skin, teasing and tempting until he got so close... then just barely missing, then continuing to make his way up my body, along my side, brushing past my breast as if he didn't even notice it. I was so turned on I cried.

And he got it. He had always desperately wanted to turn me on, but just had no clue how. After all, what I want is totally different than what he wants -- he'd be delighted if I just walked up to him, grabbed him, and started wanking!

It's so hard to find someone you can really connect with on so many levels. If you've got everything but the passion, don't throw it away, fight for it. Attraction may not be a choice, but it can be ignited.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007):

I understand your situation. I have been dating a guy for over a year and we are both in love and know we are meant to spend forever together, But when it comes to anything sexual I am never pleased. Sometimes i find myself wanting to have sex with his friends, but I cant ever imagine cheating on him. I have started to get advice from a friend of his and he has convinced me to talk to him and help him understand me and my sexual needs. He says its all about communication durikng sex and asking your partern what they like. I hope our relationship gets better because I cant take it anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

I can totally relate to you. My husband has given me so much respect and honour that I never received from any of my past relationships. Every man in my life disappointed me and hurt me but my husband and his family came through. I cannot imagine leaving him because I dont think I could find that respect anywhere. However I don't know what to do either. I am not attracted to him at all! I feel the same way you do. I can't stand it when he wants to abe intimate. I have tons of lingerie that I never wore and we've only been married a year. I haven't cheated on him but I am always drawn to other men and I have such a guilty conscience for it. He definately senses that I'm not attracted to him. I am afraid he will cheat on me before I go anywhere. Help!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007):

well i have this problem too. i know the chemistry will never exist. i know i need to get a divorce and let my husband find someone who really loves him. but i guess i'm just being selfish and hanging onto him. he's a good guy but i don't want a wimp as a husband. i have a daughter with him so that complicates things a lot. i don't want to be in this same place in 20 years and i'm sure he doesn't want to be with me if i don't love him as much as he loves me.

a special message to men: don't be a door mat, it ain't attractive. grow some balls and be a man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007):

This is so very similar to my life right now and I am having a terrible time making a decision. Being married to a man for 18 years -- he is my best friend and the last thing I want to do is hurt him ... but I've done that already by telling him that I do not desire him. I haven't for quite some time. So, do you stay with a man that you care for and have "built" a life with hoping that desire, at some point, will come back? The desire that makes you crazy with passion?? I honestly never had it with him and thought it wasn't important, but recently have had feelings for another man, so I know that kind of passion does exist. I've missed out on it for over 20 years now. No kids in the picture, so that makes things a little less difficult, but it doesn't soften the hurt that will be felt if I should leave him. Advice to all, do not marry unless you feel real passion and desire. It does matter ... it is one of the most important pieces and cannot be ignored. Make sure ALL the pieces are there ...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007):

OMGosh..im sorta in the same situation ive been with my bf for 5 years everything is good treats me well but ever since i started my new job bout a year ago i didnt feel like doing anything sexual with him because of...a woman i met at work who is now my best friend and is 10 years older than me,single and hasnt had a partner.I Havent felt anything for a woman before i met her now i go crazy if i dont see her.And we havent done anything together..i havent had the guts to cheat on my bf..I Tried to tell my him but he thaught it was a joke!he wont get it thru his head!why dont MEN LISTEN?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007):

This is exactly what I am going through at the moment! I cant believe it.

I've only been married 6 months and I thought getting married would fix our problems. It only made them worse and I just want out but I cant justify it because he is so good to me and my best friend but I am no longer attracted to him and not sure I ever really was... I am only 21, married my college sweetheart, and don't know if I should stay with him b/c he treats me well or get out and find a relationship comprised of both friendship and intimacy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007):

I googled "I'm not in love with my husband" because I'm in the same situation, although with my boyfriend, not my husband. He's very good looking, he's completely devoted to me, loyal, generous, sweet, great cook, and I love "hanging out" with him. We don't share a whole lot in common, but we still enjoy each other's company. The thing is, he is super physically attracted to me and i'm not really into him. In fact, his penis repulses me at times. Thankfully, he's really into pleasing me orally and doesn't care a whole lot when i don't return the favor. Intercourse is extremely rare. I always come up with an excuse. I don't know whether to leave him though because he's such a perfect man in so many ways and I know how hard it is to find someone who's so good.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007):

If you can't stay faithful to him, then it's time to split up. You're currently having it both ways and he deserves better.

As long as this continues, you're not only depriving yourself of the men you're attracted to, but you're also costing HIM years of his life that he's spending with you instead of looking for someone else (whom he will eventually have to find).

The current situation is not harmless. If you respect him as much as you say you love him, then you'll tell him the entire real story and let him make his own decision with what to do with his life from here.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007):

It can also be the way a man treats you...lack of communication mixed with his inabality to care can mess up the way you see him. I used to love pleasing my husband until he called me all sorts of names and hurt me beyond belief because he can not relate to anyone intimately- he is just too selfish. His idea of turning me on is telling me he wanted me to perform acts on him. So, I stopped having sex with him and now he actually grosses me out. Hope this helps

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well just to update you all, I moved out of our suburban home and I had hoped it might re-kindle my feelings for him and make me want to come back. But it hasn't. I still care for him deeply and I hate hurting him like this, but I just have no chemistry for him. I'm not sure I ever had. I recently finished doing a series of Christian audio CD's on marital counseling. They stated that a man and woman must have 4 types of love in order for the marriage to work: AGAPE=Unconditional love (attachment), STORGE=Committment, PHILIA=Kinsmenship (Caring), and EROS= Passion/Erotica. I realize now, that I have never had the "Eros" type of love for my spouse, though the other three types of love is probably what kept me in my marriage for so long. This is what's causing me to have feelings of detachment, and a lack of desire for sexual intimacy with him. The problem is, I don't know how to fix it. How do you create chemistry, where there is none? I have tremendous guilt about leaving my marriage and causing my husband so much pain, but without the passion I am craving, I don't think I can stay either. Also, we don't have alot in common. Another area of mis-match that I failed to realize until much later. We are polar opposites. He likes car shows, I like music. For years, I have attended shows with him but was bored. He also has attended music concerts in the past, though he hates large crowds and loud music and doesn't have a good time. We are different in other ways too. I love going out. He loves staying home. I love spicey foods and trying new things. He is basic meat and potato and will only eat bland things. Even with all of this, I still struggle with the idea of divorcing him because he is a good man and we have always been there for each other. I know I am going to have to get off the fence sooner or later. I just wish it wasn't so damn hard! Thanks everyone for your help!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

OH MY GOD....this is my life!!!!!!!! It's easy for everyone to give advice on this topic...but not as easy to follow through. How do you leave your best friend in life? Yeah...sex is very important to me...but so is my best friend. How do you choose which is more important???

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007):

do you really love him? i don't think so. what kind of a woman who loves someone and sleeps with another? he is your husband. you should have some loyality for him. stop thinking about other men and think about him only. may be he is not satisfying yoy sexually. talk to him. try to work it out with. cheating on him is not an answer to your problem. he is in love with you and agreed om marrying him. so you have to do one of the follwing:

either you talk to him and try to work it out together,

or you get a divorce.

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A female reader, i might be a girl but i can help United Kingdom +, writes (20 June 2007):

i might be a girl but i can help agony auntwell after the affairs u have lost the feelings for him like flower girls says go counselling and maybe sex counselling as well its not fair on any of u and there still has to be a reason that u go home to him after work u still care for him just need to go back into the swing of things

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007):

Well you see if you aint feeling hot about yo man then you just gotta do it anyway! I mean let him knock you up and you'll feel much better when the little bundle of joy pops out of your loins. My man loves it when I give it to him and so does the girl I am cheating on him with... I couldn't help it her body makes me hot... I am getting hot now just thinking about her body...

Much love to ya sister,

Heidi the hoe and sally the slut

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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (19 June 2007):

flower girl agony auntYou have had a couple of affairs and you are not sexually attracted to your husband anymore, do you want to spend the rest of your life living like this because if you are not getting what you want and need at home you are always going to be tempted to find it somewhere else and that is not fair on you or your husband, could you not try talking to him about it? Obviously it will be hurtful to him but it might be worth going to see counsellors to see if you can work out what has gone wrong because it must of been there at some point.

Take care.xx.

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