A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When I was in highschool, I fell in love with a guy who broke my heart 6 mon.after we started seeing each other. His younger brother started coming over to my house after the break up and we'd hang out, sometimes go for pizza or a movie. Then one night, he leaned over and kissed me and I freaked out. I did not have those kinds of feelings for him, so it kind of grossed me out. After that I didn't want him coming over to my house anymore so I told him I just wanted to be friends. Then a funny thing happened....I kind of missed him. I think it was the attention which was great for my ego after the break up. So a few weeks later, we started going out together as boyfriend and girlfriend and I liked the fact that he treated me like a lady and not just a party-girl. I always felt kind of elegant and regal when he'd open doors for me and pull my chair out. He was a real gentleman, but I never felt the same attraction for him, than I had for his brother -- which was also my first lover. I finally broke it off with him when he went to college, and I dated a couple of other guys. We wrote to each other and I found that I really missed him alot. When he came back from school, he asked me to marry him. I thought it was a good idea at the time because he was a nice guy and I knew he'd be a good provider, plus my parents really liked him. But a short time after the wedding, I realized I was not sexually attracted to him really, and I don't enjoy having sex with him. He wants it all the time because he is absolutely crazy about me, but I find myself coming up with excuses to avoid being intimate more than about once a week. The thing is, he's good to me, I know he'd never cheat on me, he'd always be there for me, he's someone I could grow old with, but as time goes on, I am becoming more and more disinterested in him sexually and don't really feel attracted to him at all. I've had a couple of affairs and the sex was mind-blowing, but I know it's wrong and I don't want to keep doing that. I can't imagine my life without my husband because he's such a sweetheart, and he's like "my rock" but I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be attracted to him when I'm not. And I've tried everything -- I've tried watching porn, I've tried fantasizing (usually about other men), I've tried sexy lingerie to put myself in the mood but I'm just usually glad when it's over with. Has anyone else had this problem, and what do I do about it?....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): An earlier poster asked: "How do you choose between chemistry and your best friend?" This is the question at hand. I too cheated on my long term partner. As a result of my promiscuous nature, I attracted genital herpes into my life. I no longer cheat. Unfortunately, my loyal boyfriend now has the same disease because of my selfish mistakes. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. It may be this guilt that prevents me from leaving him even though I am not sexually attracted to him. Trust me, I feel terrible about what I have done to both of us. Right now, I am debating about whether or not I should marry him. Sounds crazy, right? I have absolutely no sexual attraction for him. He is, however, a good person. He needs me to support him. He lacks motivation to better his life, and this often makes me feel disgusted with him. I have always been a person who has named and then attained my goals in life. I have tried to motivate him by example, but he remains stagnant. I may be afraid to be alone now. I mean, I have genital herpes. If I leave my boyfriend whom loves me unconditionally despite the fact I have the disease, I may very well be alone for a very long time. I feel like such a selfish b*tch as I write this. There is another part of me that believes being alone may be exactly what I need. I obviously had a very low self esteem while I was cheating on my boyfriend. I may still have a low self esteem, and being alone to fend for myself may be what I need to enhance this aspect of my life. I have actually proposed to my current boyfriend that we break up or even separate. However, he is still with me. He loves acting and recently took an acting class in Chicago (I had purchased these lessons for him as a birthday gift). He absolutely loved it. I could sense his passion igniting. When he returned back to where we live (back to a home with a girlfriend that is not sexually attracted to him), he became depressed again. I knew I was depleting his energy. I told him to return to Chicago. I told him to take a chance and follow his heart. He made up excuses not to go back. Now, we live together, and he mopes around the house and reminds me of how terrible I am for constantly making up excuses not to sleep with him. I have flat out told him that I do not want to have sex with him. I wish he had the self esteem to leave me. I do care for him and I want him to find true happiness. I guess that is why I feel that I should marry him (btw, our marrying will allow him to be covered by my health insurance….right now, he is uninsured and is not motivated to find a job with benefits). I know that sex isn’t everything. I am actually content with not having sex anymore. He, however, is miserable. Why would he want to marry me? I sometimes feel that I would have to move to a new place and not tell him for him to be free of me and to force him to take responsibility for his own life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): I too am in a predicament. As women we always tend to forgive and let ourselves feel guilt when in actuality, when a relationship fails it is not all YOUR fault. We as women have got to stop blaming ourselves and making ourselves feel bad for wanting to branch out and explore life. Times change and people grow, our days are all numbered and sometimes I dont think we realize that. A lot of times in marriages we feel as though something is missing. Like an empty hole that we cant quite seem to fill. Sometimes for women, regaining your independence fills that empty space in your heart because youre not relying on a man or with a man period! You can do what you want, when you want to, live out some of your most inner fantasies and dreams, and have wild sex with that perfect man that you daydream about, even if it is just one night. Its like a new movie that just came out with Jack Nicholson "The Bucket List", all the things you want to do before you "kick the bucket!" We are not happy because sometimes we feel as though there is more we would like to achieve, places we would like to travel, friends we would like to meet, education we would like to receive-- sometimes this may even occur after all the children have "left the nest." I guess what i am trying to say is (cliche) "you only live once," so why be confined to folding his boxers in the laundry unit, or cleaning the never-ending pile of dishes, or in my case listening to his perverted jokes night after night.... Isn't it about time for some YOU-time and not so much HIM-time or WE-time?!? One more thing, I guess if/when you decide to leave and once youre free you may have some problem with loneliness at times when youre all alone and you dont have youre hairy 180 lb. ex-husband in your bed. But ultimately you have so much more that that: 1.Standing up for yourself; PRIDE2.Courage within3.INDEPENDENCE4.freedom!5.endless possibilities; adventure6.opportunity to make new friendsPlease respond and tell me what you think bout all this!!love always!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's really sad that some people don't understand how couples can grow apart as they mature and grow into adults. This is why so many parents discourage kids from getting married when they are young. It can work out, but it often does not after you become an adult and figure out what you want and need in a mate, as I have discovered. Some people will never understand this until they've gone through it themselves. My husband never wanted kids, a dream I had to give up and now resent. He is not much of a conversationalist, not much into socializing - two things I thrive on. We are just on different planes and no amount of sexy lingerie, or counseling can create chemistry where there is none. All counseling did for us, was to help me see that I am in a dead-end relationship that is neither fulfilling me emotionally, or romantically and it's not really his fault. It's mine. I am willing to stand up and admit that I am part of the problem. But I am not willing to sit on the sidelines and watch my life go by, just to satisfy what others think I should do about my marriage and my life. My advise is take a good, hard look and make sure you're not just going through a phase that can be addressed and solved through counseling. And if you're really unhappy or unfulfilled and there seems to be no answer, don't feel guilty about moving on. I don't think God punishes anyone for outgrowing the person they married. Even Moses was granted a divorce.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Im in the same situation. If he never came home, I wouldnt care. Not really my best friend though. We have grown older and apart. There has been a lot of resentment in the way he has handled his ex wife and his son. (He actually went back to her while he and I were dating.Like a fool, I thought I forgave him) Now I resent him for all the lies in the past. Its like I woke up and said "Whoa! Who was that chick that put up with all the lies and nonsense?" At that time, i was vulnerable, just divorced and feeling very insecure. But now, I know Im the one who has changed and needs to move on. But he is a "goodist" and everyone just loves him. We have a great home, cars, boats, etc., but none of this matters when you hate to go home after work. Im also suffering health problems. I can literally feel my back tensing up when hes around. Im a mess! This stuff happens I dont know why and have no answers. I do know that marriage is not for me and want out, just dont know how to do it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): I am so understanding your issue. I have a good husband and I KNOW he loves me and would never cheat. I have no plans to cheat and to be honest growing up with a mother who did cheat...its not something I want to do. I do want however to have the kinda sex life that I fantisize about. Although my husband knows what buttons to press to make sex very satisfing...that soap opera passion is not there for me. Although I was never sexually attracted to him..I would like to look at my husband with a bit of fantasy. I wonder how to cure this dilemia. You are not alone .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): “But I always thought people who didn't love themselves were much more destructive”......yes that very true. People who don’t love themselves are very destructives and have tendencies to destroy everything that is dear to them not only their bodies but also their relationships by not supplying any effort to energize a relationship, by cheating on their spouses, by mixing their priorities or focusing on material things that can be acquired anytime and so on.......
Marrying so young is not a reason to drift away from your husband (we all did). I can understand that being young you did not know exactly what you wanted and your priorities in life were very fuzzy. However, from what you wrote years later, you still think like a very immature woman , with statements such as: “Women are competitive creatures who are always trying to live up to the image deemed valuable by Hollywood, Playboy and the man of our dreams......” Wait for a minute...... mature women image is what is inside our mind, is what we think we are and not what anybody even Hollywood thing we got to be. Mature women are active not reactive of how everyone think that we should look. Mature women have a high self esteem, we don’t stand with smile showing our cleavage and hoping that someone will be interested in us. No, we go get what we want because inside we know that we are worthy. Yes 90% of women out there are insecure but why you want be one of them? Again, step in front of a mirror and tell me the person that you want to see: your best friend, your greatest enemy or both?
If you want to be happy, you need to sit down and think about the difference between being happy and being entertained, being emotional healthy and living emotional roll coasters, achieving own goals and looking successful in other people eyes. Loving yourself imply stopping competing with every other woman (that’s procrastination) and starting living a full life with purpose and enthusiasm – but that will not be possible if you don’t accept who you are, loves the person you are and stop responding to what Hollywood and Playboy want you to be. If (your) ideal idea of modern woman is the image set by Hollywood, Playboy and the man of our dream, you don’t know about yourself, you only try to catch up to what others think you should be. How can you love yourself if you don’t even know who you are, if you don’t even know what you want or want to become (except what your man want you to be). You don’t even know anything about a man of your dream girl, because if he is the image set by Hollywood, he keeps changing every year and he will change tomorrow as Hollywood change.
Girl, Welcome to mid-life-crisis. If you want to grow up and be an adult.....you will have to give up some cherished notions and old ways of doing and looking at things. Do not be like many people - Quoting a famous author: “Many people are either unwilling or unable to suffer the pain of giving up the outgrown which needs to be forsaken. Consequently, they cling. Often forever, to their old patterns of thinking and behaving, thus failing to negotiate any crisis, to truly grow up, and to experience the joyful sense of rebirth that accompanies the successful transition into greater maturity”.
I refuse to think that you simply drifted apart from your husband because you married so young. You drifted apart from your husband because you are lazy to work on your relationship and do not love yourself enough to work on your personal development. In the end I have to say that I admire your intellectual sense because you did not take my previous post personally: after I re-read it, I think that my style of writing is kind of critical....but that is my way of being objective.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): Have you tried to explain to your husband sexual techniques that he could use to turn you on? If what he does to you feels good, you may begin to look forward to his attentions-- i.e., become more attracted to him.
Hope you manage to work it out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the last anon.aunt; I appreciate you thorough response but I am curious as to how you concluded that when a couple who simply drifts apart and have basically nothing in common, could somehow be based on my inability to love myself? I'm not really sure how to connect those dots. Maybe I just don't know the symptoms of a person who does not love themselves. But I always thought people who didn't love themselves were much more destructive; abusing drugs, alcohol, cutting themselves, anorexia, bulimia and other self-abusive behaviors. And I can tell you I am none of those things. I came from a good family, got a good education, worked my way up the corporate ladder. I simply drifted apart from my husband because we married so young. And here's a news flash, if you scratched the surface you'd probably find that 90% of all women have some degree of low self-esteem. Women are competitive creatures who are always trying to live up to the image deemed valuable by Hollywood, Playboy and the man of our dreas. We always think our thighs are too chunky, our waistlines too thick, or too thin; we frequently wish our hair was thicker, longer, more blonde -- the list goes on but I highly doubt that any of us are incapable of loving ourselves.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): The thing about people who lack self-discipline is that they cannot control themselves. Discipline comes through self-control. This means that one must control all negative qualities. Before you can control conditions, you must first control yourself. Self-mastery is the hardest job you will ever tackle. If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. You may see at one and the same time both your best friend and your greatest enemy, by stepping in front of a mirror.Married folks who involve themselves in extramarital affairs have one thing in common: lack of self control. Lack of self control is mostly associated with lack of self value and lack of self esteem. A person who doesn’t have self esteem cannot have strong love for self and perhaps cannot give love to someone else. How can you give something that you don’t have? It just does not add up.You mentioned that you did not have a strong self esteem, well; you still do not have any self esteem. People who have a strong self esteem can accept to receive love because the strong sense of self let them give it in return. People without self value have difficult to receive because deep down in themselves, they feel that they don’t deserve to receive anything. They select to see only what they don’t have, what they lack, what they miss, what life should have been instead of what they have, the blessing they have, the people God brought in their lives… and that is how they destroy their lives and the lives of those who love them.We women think that men and their love will bring happiness to us; in reality happiness is in some safe place within our heart, it just up to us to find that place. Sometimes we want all the attention from a man, we complain to him, we turn him into our crutch to later become an undesirable object in our eyes when he gave in into our feeling driven tantrums, as consequence, we lose every interest we had in him, we cheat on him and then leave him. Have you heard the saying that women love guys who treat them badly? Guess you did. When you start loving yourself, you’ll find that place of happiness inside yourself, you’ll see that a man who loves you is a bonus and you’ll realize that the one and only condition that you can love someone endlessly is because they love you back.Attraction is not a choice; however love is a conscious choice. The good new is that with a self aware mind, attraction can be ignited, triggered however it require a lot of work to keep that flame alive. If you are lazy and don’t have self discipline, you can divorce your husband, you find someone you are attracted too but eventually attraction will wear off and you will be back on square one. Imagine if you find someone that you are attracted to, someone who don’t love you as your husband do, someone who control you and mess up your mind…you won’t be here thinking about yourself and lack of sexual interest but you will be depressed and looking for psychiatric help. The only reason you think about yourself and your sexual needs is that you have safety in your heart that your husband is there emotionally when you need him and you take it as guaranteed....that safety, that peace of mind is a gift of God, it is grace and it usually disguised as something else.Take your husband to counseling (actually ask him to get counseling), he may have self esteem issues himself (if not what kind of man that marry a woman dumped by his brother). It is your job for both of you to make this work. When you accepted him to be your husband you accept him for a very good reason: self love. You know that he will take care of you and that you grow old with him. If he still cares and loves you he stills the man of his commitments. Also remember that when you marry a man you make three commitments:1)A commitment to God : To have faith in Him, to have faith in yourself (even in difficult time), to love yourself and give some of that love to your husband for better and for worst2)A commitment to self that you love yourself no matter what and that you will give your love to your husband who love you and protect you3)A commitment to your husband that you will stay faithful to him and love him for better and for worstIt is clear that you violated all those commitments because you don’t love yourself. In the end you need to know than in all, first and last, in all you care and love and everything you do, in all you know and all that you do not know …there is one thing that is most important, there one person that is most important in your life. The most important thing is self love and most important person is Self. If that is fixed in your mind, it is almost impossible not to love and be attracted to those who value and care for that most important being. For now, step in front of a mirror and tell me the person that you want to see: your best friend, your greatest enemy or both?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Obviously I only know as much as you have written here. But from what I can see it looks like you think of him as more of a best friend (again I dont know if thats true or not) You may have been really vulnerable at the time, and enjoyed the attention he was giving you. You say you can't imagine your life without him, but again this may be because you think of him as a best friend. You could maybe try talking to him about it (bearing in mind it may be heartbreaking for him) and see how he feels. Think of why you arent sexually attracted to him, if you can't see past these things, you can't force yourself to feel that way, as you will end up hurting him and yourself. With whatever you decide to do... good luck xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the last "anon-poster" thanks for you advise but not all people fall into the pigeon-hole textbook examples of human behavior. I for one, came from a loving, nurturing family. My parents stayed happily married and together until the day my mother passed away. I was close to both my parents and my Dad was always there for me with love and support and though we were somewhat poor, my parents gave me lots of love. I may not have had the latest, most expensive toy as a child, but I was given plenty of love. So much for your textbook examples of why women do this, or do that. Now I will say, my insecurities mainly came from the fact that I was a homely kid and even though I later blossomed into an attractive woman, I still carry around that image in my head so you get points for assessing that some of my problems do come from self esteem issues, however they are not family induced. But this is probably what led me to marry so young in life and pick someone I wasn't necessarily attracted to. I didn't think I could do better. I didn't have enough confidence in myself to think I could hold out for someone who would have more in common with me, and hold my attention. So there's where my faults lie. In not seeing my own beauty and capability as a woman. Now that I'm older and grown up, I now know myself better and realize what's missing in my life. Never did I once say that my husband was the problem here. The problem has always been me. You didn't stumbled onto any revelations there and in visiting with my therapist, I have been able to at least pinpoint why I ended up in a marriage that left me feeling flat. Now I just have to get past my own guilt and move on with my life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): There is this kind of women who have a history of being attracted to men who will always disrespect them, f**k them and leave them. Mostly those women grow up in homes where the parents did not take time to nurture their children. Years later, those women grow up with a very poor self esteem and the reality catches up with them.Those women don’t know what love is about; all they know is the excitement and trill associated with the unpredictability and careless of the men they are attracted to.What those people do not realize is that the baggages from childhood still follow them until the day they will die. Poor self esteem is the result of abandonment or lack of strong attachments. I found this in girls who did not have a strong relationship with their father. Those girl (trying to recreate childhood experiences) will be attracted to men who will reject them, then try hard to change them to give a good ending to their childhood experiences but this will never be the case. Pursuing those men (who have their own issues to deal with) will always end in agony.The point is that if your husband is a man with a strong self esteem and he treats you like a worthy human being but in return you are not attracted to him sexually.....the problem is not him but you. You do not love yourself. In your case, you don’t even have self discipline to stay faithful to your marriage.....so you don’t have self value. You need to feel like a valuable person before you can be attracted to a person who treats you such. In the mean time, you should seek pro-therapy read “Addicked”
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your responses!! I was surprised (but encouraged) to see that so many women are in this same boat -- many of us have married the "safe guy" but sacrificed the passion and chemistry we found in other men who were not as stable. I am still wrestling with the whole, right-and-wrong of this thing. Do I stay with him, and just keep faking it? Or do I go ahead and pull the plug and hope that I will find what I'm looking for?....Knowing that I really do not want to be alone, nor do I want to place myself in a situation of financial or emotional desperation, in which I will be inclined to "settle" again for someone who does not turn me on. What a dilema! Luckily I didn't have kids, so for those of you who do, please don't feel bad about staying in your marriages because your kids will benefit in the long run. I've often wondered if I might've been more "centered" had my husband wanted children; but probably not. I would've just felt more inclined to stay. Thank you all for your responses. I will continue to give this decision much thought and prayer and hope that one day I will reach a decision I can live with. xoxox
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): I am in the same boat....I'm now 36 and after being heartbroken by every guy I felt I ever "loved", I pretty much settled for my husband. At the point when I met him, I was totally broke, hated my job, was in love with someone who will never love me in return, and had no real friends or family...I still see him once in a while and it still breaks my heart to see him with his girfriend who, doesn't love him, but he is madly in love with her....Ain't love grand!!! My husband was there at the right time and was and is still madly in love w/me which I feel is safe and heartbreak free...I married him because I didn't want to be alone, nor could I afford it and also wanted the family unit I did not have growing up..We have one son and another child on the way....He is a great guy but the thought of having sex w/him repulses me and I too can't wait to get it over with and don't even want to kiss him...At this point in my life, I cannot imagine breaking his heart or leaving my kids and no longer believe in reciprocal love...You are not alone and life certainly is not a fairy tale...Unfortunately!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): I have this same problem too. I'm three weeks into a trial separation now and still sitting on the fence about whether to give it another go or to give up on the marriage. I just don't feel the sexual attraction towards my husband that I should. I hate it when he kisses me too.I love him to bits though, he's my best friend and father to my children. How can I make myself desire him sexually? Any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI especially enjoyed reading the post from 'girl20'...surely you are older than 20 years old because you are incredibly wise for your age if so. I think what you said is partly true. I think I gave into the idea of marrying my husband because the men I tend to be attracted to, also tend to be unstable in relationships. I don't think it's the instability I'm actually attracted to, but their take on life. I love a guy who's comfortable in his own skin, he's fun to be around, funny, spontaneous, and not afraid to be a bit goofy at times and playful. Unfortunately most guys who are like this, are not relationship material. I was so tired of falling for men like this, and then getting my heart broken, I decided my husband was probably a better man for me. But he really lacks the ability to make me laugh, or be interesting on so many levels. He's not at all playful, in fact he's way too serious about things, which makes me too serious and I don't like being serious all the time because life is too short and I'm still young enough to try new things. This is when I started realizing that I was probably never attracted to my husband, I chose him because he seemed "safe" and indeed as far as my heart is concerned, he has been safe. But the lack of chemistry, common interests and sexual interest between us has taken its toll. I can no longer justify staying with a man simply because he's safe. I'm not happy and that is something I am having to face. So no, I have not gone back to him and probably won't. Just giving him time to adjust. Thanks so much for all of your posts.
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female
reader, girl 20  +, writes (28 March 2008):
I think its interesting reading over all (almost all of them) of these and the same thing in common is "he is so good to me, he treats me great but I am not attracted to him. I wonder if anyone else has made that connection. They all these women, including myself!, aren't "in love" with someone who generally would be a really good partner for them.
I am in the same situation..but I think there is more to it then just 'im not attracted to him anymore'.
I have a history of being attracted to men who did not always treat me with respect (not calling when they said they would, losing interest in me after we had sex, men who very much were charming during the 'chase' phase and cooled off after they got me). I had lots of short term relationships with hot sex, and lots of major infatuations/crushes on guys. But looking back, all those guys that it didn't last with,that I had passion for, were guys who did not treat me right or respect me and what I had to offer. Funny, isn't it?
I think a lot of this, not everyone of course, has to do with liking the exictment and 'games' of a relationship that keeps you on the edge. For some reason, you always love those guys. But when you find someone who is stable and truly loving, you feel respected, but that hot passion isnt there. That is why everyone is like "he is so great, but I just don't love him, but I can't seem to leave him".
A part of you is attracted to the love and respect he gives you, but the other part, the part that likes the games, is not.
This is at least what I have figured out for myself and my friends in this situation.
NOw, if I imagined my husband (or boyfriend) treating my the way those other guys treated me...over time...I see myself feeling more sexually attracted to him, because its like I can't neccesarily have him then, and he is putting no real demands on me or the relationship because he is not totally emotionally available.
Bottom line, I think all of this has more to do with yourself, and not your husband or boyfriend. In my case included. I have not got it all figured out, obviously since I am here...but what I have figured out is that it has to do with me more then him.
Think about if you get excited by the 'games' of a new relationship? As soon as things settle down and get normal and real, the passion is going to fade, like it always does even in healthy relationships. And I have also realized that if I were to leave my guy for another who I felt 'crazy' about...If I were to leave for passion I felt in another, eventually...that passion would fade, in months or maybe if your lucky years...and then what? You will feel the same again..asking 'what do i do?! I dont love him/have passion for him!!!"
...Passion is not love. What is true love to you? Does it equal ONLY feeling passion for someone...or does it eqaul something past physical passion?
Look to yourself and find out if a deep hidden part of you feels like you don't deserve being treated with love and honor?
Look at your past relationships and see if they were healthy and you felt not much passion...or if perhaps there was a lot of games or they were very short term and you felt TONS of passion...that is no coincedence.
Why is it safe to not let yourself love this man, who truly loves you, but it is safer to love the men (or women) who aren't really available (aka - doesn't treat you right, is married, or you are married and you can't have that other person). Does keeping someone at arms length make it easier for you as there aren't as many demands and responsiblities? THese are all questions I have had to ask myself..and as time goes by I feel like I get closer and closer to what the real cause of this is within me.
It was by not mistake that I attracted/married this person..there is a big lesson here that needs to be learned. And usually its not "oops, I married the wrong guy, I'll just go find another..." Perhaps its needing to stand up for yourself and find what real love is for you, maybe its realizing that true love is not what would match your 'movie style' expectations. Good luck to everyone here. Obviously this will not apply to everyone, but I think it will effect a good amount of the other women going through this with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): I want to know what happened, did u get back with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): im so unhappy an dhave the same problem. but i love her to much to do this to her so i just do what i can to please her and realise i'll never have a sex life. but there is much, much more to life than sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): Hi Girls. I came across this page because I was in the same situation. I want to offer you a solution other than leaving your best friend in life. It's true that you need all the aspects of love in your life to be happy with him. If you are not getting the passion now, even if you've gotten to the point of being repulsed by him physically, maybe that can be changed so that you can be fulfilled in this relationship in all aspects.I'm suggesting the possibility that he's not turning you on NOT because he's incapable of doing so, but because he just doesn't know how. If he could learn how to attract you and you could learn how to teach him to attract you, all could be resolved.I couldn't stand kissing my boyfriend, he would mash his mouth all over me and slobber. Trying to tell him what I wanted just turned me off more. So I just got through the intimacy, with minimal kissing, and told myself I didn't mind. But of course I did. One day I was listening to A Perfect Circle's, When the Levee Breaks. It's such a sensual song with the perfect kissing groove. I started fantasizing about kissing someone else. That night I put the song on, told my boyfriend to keep his head back on the couch and not kiss me and just let me kiss him. I showed him how I want to be kissed. He got it and kissed me that way! It turned me on so much I just went with it and started teaching more things. Naked against the wall, I told him in breathy whispers how to start at my feet and slowly, slowly work up my leg with his fingers just lightly brushing my skin, teasing and tempting until he got so close... then just barely missing, then continuing to make his way up my body, along my side, brushing past my breast as if he didn't even notice it. I was so turned on I cried.And he got it. He had always desperately wanted to turn me on, but just had no clue how. After all, what I want is totally different than what he wants -- he'd be delighted if I just walked up to him, grabbed him, and started wanking!It's so hard to find someone you can really connect with on so many levels. If you've got everything but the passion, don't throw it away, fight for it. Attraction may not be a choice, but it can be ignited.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): I understand your situation. I have been dating a guy for over a year and we are both in love and know we are meant to spend forever together, But when it comes to anything sexual I am never pleased. Sometimes i find myself wanting to have sex with his friends, but I cant ever imagine cheating on him. I have started to get advice from a friend of his and he has convinced me to talk to him and help him understand me and my sexual needs. He says its all about communication durikng sex and asking your partern what they like. I hope our relationship gets better because I cant take it anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): I can totally relate to you. My husband has given me so much respect and honour that I never received from any of my past relationships. Every man in my life disappointed me and hurt me but my husband and his family came through. I cannot imagine leaving him because I dont think I could find that respect anywhere. However I don't know what to do either. I am not attracted to him at all! I feel the same way you do. I can't stand it when he wants to abe intimate. I have tons of lingerie that I never wore and we've only been married a year. I haven't cheated on him but I am always drawn to other men and I have such a guilty conscience for it. He definately senses that I'm not attracted to him. I am afraid he will cheat on me before I go anywhere. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): well i have this problem too. i know the chemistry will never exist. i know i need to get a divorce and let my husband find someone who really loves him. but i guess i'm just being selfish and hanging onto him. he's a good guy but i don't want a wimp as a husband. i have a daughter with him so that complicates things a lot. i don't want to be in this same place in 20 years and i'm sure he doesn't want to be with me if i don't love him as much as he loves me.
a special message to men: don't be a door mat, it ain't attractive. grow some balls and be a man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): This is so very similar to my life right now and I am having a terrible time making a decision. Being married to a man for 18 years -- he is my best friend and the last thing I want to do is hurt him ... but I've done that already by telling him that I do not desire him. I haven't for quite some time. So, do you stay with a man that you care for and have "built" a life with hoping that desire, at some point, will come back? The desire that makes you crazy with passion?? I honestly never had it with him and thought it wasn't important, but recently have had feelings for another man, so I know that kind of passion does exist. I've missed out on it for over 20 years now. No kids in the picture, so that makes things a little less difficult, but it doesn't soften the hurt that will be felt if I should leave him. Advice to all, do not marry unless you feel real passion and desire. It does matter ... it is one of the most important pieces and cannot be ignored. Make sure ALL the pieces are there ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): OMGosh..im sorta in the same situation ive been with my bf for 5 years everything is good treats me well but ever since i started my new job bout a year ago i didnt feel like doing anything sexual with him because of...a woman i met at work who is now my best friend and is 10 years older than me,single and hasnt had a partner.I Havent felt anything for a woman before i met her now i go crazy if i dont see her.And we havent done anything together..i havent had the guts to cheat on my bf..I Tried to tell my him but he thaught it was a joke!he wont get it thru his head!why dont MEN LISTEN?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): This is exactly what I am going through at the moment! I cant believe it. I've only been married 6 months and I thought getting married would fix our problems. It only made them worse and I just want out but I cant justify it because he is so good to me and my best friend but I am no longer attracted to him and not sure I ever really was... I am only 21, married my college sweetheart, and don't know if I should stay with him b/c he treats me well or get out and find a relationship comprised of both friendship and intimacy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): I googled "I'm not in love with my husband" because I'm in the same situation, although with my boyfriend, not my husband. He's very good looking, he's completely devoted to me, loyal, generous, sweet, great cook, and I love "hanging out" with him. We don't share a whole lot in common, but we still enjoy each other's company. The thing is, he is super physically attracted to me and i'm not really into him. In fact, his penis repulses me at times. Thankfully, he's really into pleasing me orally and doesn't care a whole lot when i don't return the favor. Intercourse is extremely rare. I always come up with an excuse. I don't know whether to leave him though because he's such a perfect man in so many ways and I know how hard it is to find someone who's so good.
Just wanted you to know you're not alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): If you can't stay faithful to him, then it's time to split up. You're currently having it both ways and he deserves better.
As long as this continues, you're not only depriving yourself of the men you're attracted to, but you're also costing HIM years of his life that he's spending with you instead of looking for someone else (whom he will eventually have to find).
The current situation is not harmless. If you respect him as much as you say you love him, then you'll tell him the entire real story and let him make his own decision with what to do with his life from here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): It can also be the way a man treats you...lack of communication mixed with his inabality to care can mess up the way you see him. I used to love pleasing my husband until he called me all sorts of names and hurt me beyond belief because he can not relate to anyone intimately- he is just too selfish. His idea of turning me on is telling me he wanted me to perform acts on him. So, I stopped having sex with him and now he actually grosses me out. Hope this helps
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell just to update you all, I moved out of our suburban home and I had hoped it might re-kindle my feelings for him and make me want to come back. But it hasn't. I still care for him deeply and I hate hurting him like this, but I just have no chemistry for him. I'm not sure I ever had. I recently finished doing a series of Christian audio CD's on marital counseling. They stated that a man and woman must have 4 types of love in order for the marriage to work: AGAPE=Unconditional love (attachment), STORGE=Committment, PHILIA=Kinsmenship (Caring), and EROS= Passion/Erotica. I realize now, that I have never had the "Eros" type of love for my spouse, though the other three types of love is probably what kept me in my marriage for so long. This is what's causing me to have feelings of detachment, and a lack of desire for sexual intimacy with him. The problem is, I don't know how to fix it. How do you create chemistry, where there is none? I have tremendous guilt about leaving my marriage and causing my husband so much pain, but without the passion I am craving, I don't think I can stay either. Also, we don't have alot in common. Another area of mis-match that I failed to realize until much later. We are polar opposites. He likes car shows, I like music. For years, I have attended shows with him but was bored. He also has attended music concerts in the past, though he hates large crowds and loud music and doesn't have a good time. We are different in other ways too. I love going out. He loves staying home. I love spicey foods and trying new things. He is basic meat and potato and will only eat bland things. Even with all of this, I still struggle with the idea of divorcing him because he is a good man and we have always been there for each other. I know I am going to have to get off the fence sooner or later. I just wish it wasn't so damn hard! Thanks everyone for your help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): OH MY GOD....this is my life!!!!!!!! It's easy for everyone to give advice on this topic...but not as easy to follow through. How do you leave your best friend in life? Yeah...sex is very important to me...but so is my best friend. How do you choose which is more important???
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): do you really love him? i don't think so. what kind of a woman who loves someone and sleeps with another? he is your husband. you should have some loyality for him. stop thinking about other men and think about him only. may be he is not satisfying yoy sexually. talk to him. try to work it out with. cheating on him is not an answer to your problem. he is in love with you and agreed om marrying him. so you have to do one of the follwing:
either you talk to him and try to work it out together,
or you get a divorce.
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reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (20 June 2007):
 well after the affairs u have lost the feelings for him like flower girls says go counselling and maybe sex counselling as well its not fair on any of u and there still has to be a reason that u go home to him after work u still care for him just need to go back into the swing of things
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Well you see if you aint feeling hot about yo man then you just gotta do it anyway! I mean let him knock you up and you'll feel much better when the little bundle of joy pops out of your loins. My man loves it when I give it to him and so does the girl I am cheating on him with... I couldn't help it her body makes me hot... I am getting hot now just thinking about her body...Much love to ya sister,Heidi the hoe and sally the slut
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reader, flower girl +, writes (19 June 2007):
 You have had a couple of affairs and you are not sexually attracted to your husband anymore, do you want to spend the rest of your life living like this because if you are not getting what you want and need at home you are always going to be tempted to find it somewhere else and that is not fair on you or your husband, could you not try talking to him about it? Obviously it will be hurtful to him but it might be worth going to see counsellors to see if you can work out what has gone wrong because it must of been there at some point.
Take care.xx.
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