A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not in love with my husband and want to leave but don't know how. He has become a perfect father and husband but I am not in love. We've known each other for 12 years and have been married for almost 10 years. Right from the start, he was in love with me and moved from a different country (where his life was great and his future was bright) to be with me. I felt overwhelmed by his "devotion" and obliged to make him fell happy and loved. That was a mistake because I have never been in love with him. Right from the start. I know we were not compatible. I have had our ups and downs, but for me a lot "downs" than "ups." We have often had fights because we have different ideas on almost everything, including happiness. However, as I had said, I have always felt obliged to make him happy and to feel loved, and I have always tried to calm things down after each fight. Then we decided to have a baby. (The idea of divorce had never entered my mind until our baby was born almost 2 years ago. ) During the first few week of our baby's being born, we got into yet another fight and for the first time, I told him I wanted a divorce. He later apologized and we made up again. But that was just the beginning of many more fights. Each time, he threatened to take the bay from me and I have never thought of keeping our baby from him even if we were to go our separate ways. Each time, he apologized and we made up. That continued for about a year, when we had another major fight and I told him that I needed time to be alone, and he, again apologized, and I just didn't have the heart to press on. So we made up again. I knew how much he loved our baby and how our baby adored him and I just couldn't insist on us separating. It has been about 8 months now since that last fight and he has been such a good father and such a loving and attentive husband. The problem is I am not in love. It tears me apart to think how much I would hurt if I told him I wanted a divorce. Even more importantly, I keep thinking about our baby's not having her father around with her everyday.I keep telling myself that I should sacrifice my happiness for my baby's, but I don't want my baby's growing up seeing how stale and loveless her parents marriage is. And me, I don't know how I will be years from now because I feel so sad and lonely as each day goes by. I would never want to see our baby in the same situation. My heart would break! I want our baby to know what love is. What should I do?
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female
reader, Jael28  +, writes (30 May 2008):
Hey...i feel you! i know how it is to be in a relationship where there wasn't love from the very beginning. Funny thing how we know what's going on but somehow we manage to brainwash ourselves and still get into a marriage that lacks love and that with time becomes more of a burden. We think we can put up with it and stay there, while a frustration grows inside and finally ends up eating us alive...i am right there. He wants us to try again, but i alreadyknow that if love wasn't there from the very beginning then how can i even imagine it will just pop up by trying? I want to divorce him, and i had an affair and he knows. He still wants us to try. And i am hesitant. He somewhat has used our kids to manipulate me. Because he says that if we divorce he will keep the kids and i will never see them again. So it's become more into some sick type of control game. I honestly think we'd be better off away from each other. All i can tell you is to evaluate what you want out of life. Is it fair for you? is it fair for him? who would benefit more from the decisions you take? don't the children deserve a dad and a mom who are happy and satisified in life rather than a couple of parents who are together but make their lifes impossible every time and fight constantly? It takes being honest with yourself, and say what you really think, be who you really are, not what others expect or want us to be...but i know it's easier said than done...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Thank you again, "Anonymous", for your insight. I'm hoping that you are finding strength to find happiness for yourself, too. I know for myself that if I could do it all over again, I would NEVER have married my husband. That's a horrible feeling. Then I remind (and console) myself that we have a beautiful baby together but our baby is the ONLY good thing that came out of this marriage for me. It's not helping either now that my mom keeps telling me that I must leave my husband as fast as I can to have time to rebuild my life. By that she means to meet someone else ... but her reasoning scares me. We both agree that, if the love is UNREQUITED, it is better to be with the person who loves you than the person with whom you are in love. I said I was afraid of never finding someone whom I'm in love with AND who is in love with me, or never finding someone who loves me as much as my husband, or even worse of falling in love with someone who does not feel the same towards me. She said I will find someone, but if I end up not being in a relationship where I'm not in love with this new person, then nothing would have changed. I would not have lost anything. She does not understand that I would have broken up our family and caused my baby to be away from her dad, and caused my husband pain ..... Sometimes I wish I could just STOP THINKING and just TELL HIM that I wanted out of this marriage. The more I think, the more my head spins and I keep going in circles....All the best to you, too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Hello...from your initial question looking for help to your last reply. I feel you are evolving into making a decision you are still scared and not quiet ready but beginning to realize what you need and want. There is never an easy time to hurt someone there will always be "I'll wait until...". Will it hurt YES it will hurt both of you even though you are the one who is making the initial decision. When my husband and I first began dating he still was seeing his ex on the side when I asked why the response was "she is like and old pair of boots already comfortable and broken in". Typically male response I guess. Men typically do not leave no matter how bad things are unless they have something on the side waiting. I guess this shows the strength of women who even though it may take time to believe in themselves but they generally leave for themselves wanting more.
You will always feel obligated to him that is woman nature to nurture no one wants to hurt someone. You will know when the decision is right for you. Take the time to believe in yourself. Do not think down the line you have to stay because you are too old there is never an age where you don't deserve love or happiness it is just a matter of when you feel ready to want the change for yourself. Tell yourself everyday I am a good person I deserve love and happiness but don't think about the fact it isn't where you are right now. Believing in what you want your life to be, not dwelling what it isn't will help your path to take become clear.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Hello yet again. Thanks again for your long, well thought-out reply. Tne dialogue has helped me a lot. Even though my answer to the 2 quesions you had asked for yourself was "maybe", I still think there must be "more" for me, too. Everything (almost) I have done in this relationship has benn out of my sense of obligation to make my husband hapy because he had given up his what he had in his country to come and be with me. Being very ambitious and intelligent, he has had a lot of success in this country, too. and NOW, I feel that if I leave him, he would be so distraught that he would not be able to continue with his work and life the way he has. That's why I have bên telling myself that when he got to such and such level of success/achievement/contentment in his life, then he would be a strong enough position to deal ith my leaving him. Then each time, i tell myself again that if I left him, then he'd be destroyed and would lose what he's accomplished 9financially and emotionally). Yet all this time, I feel there is an emotional wall between us. I am just not in love!Like you had mentioned, i am now afraid that once our daughter is older, we will have nothing to "share" between us and by then, i would be just too old o meet someone, or to rebuild my life. i fêl that for the last couple of years, i've just been existing. No joy ..except fot being with my baby ...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I hope the dialog has been able to help a little. There are others here who just may not be responding but you are not alone in this situation.I know the intimacy is hard but after you read this go back and re read your post keeping in mind what I am saying... Your answer MAYBE to my questions mean you are not ready there may still be a chance for the two of you. Your heart still cares but you are holding hurt in your head which is protecting your heart. You see I can answer no and it is ok I am not hurt inside or angry there is nothing. Do I feel bad yes but I feel bad for a relationship that isn't what I always wanted I feel bad for him as a person I feel bad to think I have to eventually hurt someone. But I am ok knowing there is more for me as difficult as it may be to get there I will be ok.All his words over the years and lack of emotional connection have brought me to where I am in the time it is meant to be. I could take a punch easier than words that cut like a knife. Most guys just don't understand how women heal from pain we do shut down. They think its over and done with we should get over it and appreciate all the "do" for us. They will tell you no one will do what they do. There are better and there are worse out there but there are others. Don't dwell and think down the line you'll end up where I am today you may or you may not.Try and reconnect your head and your heart. Try and "go through" the motions to give him what he is looking for it may help you get past the anger it will be hard but you have a struggle within to get past, it may also test him if it is a tactic to keep you once he thinks he's turned you around - for me doing this brought me to the point of there really is nothing left good or bad which will eventually be ok. All the best....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): Hello again Anonymous. Thanks again for your reply and I'm very sorry for your loss.
I'm starting to think that this post has become more a dialogue between you and me (because not very many people are in the same situation, I guess.) I totally agree with you again that "You can forgive but you never forget and each time a little more of what you are trying to hang onto gets killed". Because I can forgive, I am not always as angry with him as I should be and even my mom and sometimes my best friend say they are surprised to sê how nice I am still towards him. Despite their god intention and support and don't think they REALLY truly understand how difficult it is in a situation like this. As far as romance goes, my husdans always tries to initiate it and i have bên trying to avoid it saying that I am to tired, which I am but not THAT tired if I were in love. Each time he tries to touch me, I feel uncomfortable and guilty at the same time because i don't have nay feeling for him. He'll try to kiss me and say things like "don't you want to kiss your husband." He also keeps saying things like "you can't find a husband who does such and such things for his wife and his family" and would go on listing the things he does for me and daughter. It is his way to search for a confirmation from me, which he does not really get. He seems to msay it jokingly, but it hurts me that we've gotten to this point where he keeps searching for **something*** from me that show him that I am in love with him but, like I said, I don't have the reply that he's fishing for.
As for the 2 questions, "YOU decide is he someone you can ALWAYS count on for support, is he someone at your lowest point could ever put their arms around you and make you feel secure enough for even a few moments you could once again take on the world." I think the answer is "maybe". If ou had asked me the same questions 8 months ago, i would have said "no" to both. However, like I'd said, in the last 8 months or so, he sêms to have changed. There are still moments where minors disagrêments come up between us, I he is always the one who tries to calm things down and be EVEN NICER as a way to make up for that disagreement! But I sometimes wnder if it's just a "tactic" to keep me becuase he must know how close I have been to leaving him. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and experience and best of luck to you, to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): My younger son is closer to me he has an ok relationship but has heard too much of the things my husband has said to me at time. I've told him it is his father and he doesn't need to stick up for me so they have ok time and times that are not ok.. My husband and older son are closer and tend to gang up on the younger on which doesnt help.Like you there have been many times I should have taken the opportunity to leave. YOu can forgive but you never forget and each time a little more of what you are tring to hang onto gets killed. But didn't primary out of guilt I stay. I have tried many times over the years to talk to him and tell him how I fel to only to told I am the one who has changed he is who he is and can not change. There are no "I love you's", hugs, kisses are a kiss on the for head. He goes through times when he knows how unhappy I am and tries to take in interest in asking me about things I do or like but it never lasts long and forget about the physical side. When I have come close to leaving he always has a comment about suicide which he knows is my weakness as my dad commited suiide when my mom remarried, and a close friend shot himself when his wife left so there is a guilt I dont want. Yet I do know eventually I know our relationship will end.Dont think of the opprotunities you have missed think of those that are to come you are never to old to find love and happiness. You and I both know it is not easy you need to be prepared and once you search deep within and make your decision things will begin to fall in place. As much as I wish I could tell you to surround yourself with friends becarefull. There will be true friends there will be friends who pull away until things have played out as to not get involved. There may even be "friends" who are threatened by your actions. Believe in the strength you have within for you and your child.You worried about beaking his heart but what did he do to yours albiet maybe unintential and he has changed but for how long? This is where I tell you again "You can forgive but you never forget and each time a little more of what you are tring to hang onto gets killed" Some may say counceling but counceling can not help until you look within and for YOU decide is he someone you can ALWAYS count on for support, is he someone at your lowest point could ever put their arms around you and make you feel secure enough for even a few moments you could once again take on the world. The are the 2 questions I asked myself and couldn't answer yes to either. Make the decision for you without your happiness your child can not expericence it fully either. You child will always have 2 parents but happing parents stay and grow to dispise each other is worse than having 2 parents who can seperate and find a way to be friends for the child when needed. Again all the best and good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Hello again, to the person who posted the last reply. Once again, reading your posting, I feel like reading about myself! Thank you, once again. If I may ask, you said that your 16-yr-old son sais "mom you deserve someone who will be there and make you happy", how does he feel about his dad? I have mentioned may times before to my husband that I would not want our baby growing up seeing me all sad and bitter and get the wrong impression that life has to be like that, that a marriage, being in a couple relationship has to be like that. But my husband said that if we spit up, HE will be the one ending up sad and bitter, and THAT will have a negative impact on our baby, too! There has been many a times when my husband was very mean and giving good reasons to leave, but I did not want to "break his heart" and kept waiting for "the right moment". I don't think there is EVER the "right" moment. But I think I have missed too many moments that would have made leaving this marriage **less difficult*** . Now, my husband has just become a perfect dad and a perfect husband ...If only i were in love with him!!!!!!
I would appreciate any insight anyone out there who has gone through a similar situation. Please share your thoughts. Once gain, thank you for taking the time to write.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): You are welcome like I said best of luck the decision isn't easy either way. Trust me when I say your children always know. My youngest son (16) recently told me "mom you deserve someone who will be there and make you happy". I can not tell you the pain those words brought to think I was doing the best for my sons by staying and hear those words. Its not that my husband is a bad guy he isn't just wrong for me but for my own reasons felt obligated as you.
As far as your child having a sibling they could in the future with your current husband or someone else a sibling doesn't always mean they will have someone to count on either how many siblings dont speak. I believe family are the friends we find along the way in our lives. There are alot of times we all count on friends mor than the family we have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Thank you so much to the person who wrote the last reply. I really appreciate your opinions. I feel that they're coming from the heart (because of your personal experience?) You've said so much more clearly how I feel!
Thank you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): I am sorry you are in this situation. Before I get bashed I know marriage takes work but no one knows what you have experienced in life good or bad we can only offer opinions.
I have been in your situation for 19 years 2 kids later I still know I don't completely love him. And feel bad to leave yes I know he deserves more but so do I...Do not bring another child into a questionable relationship. It is his choice the realtionship he decides to have with his child wether you stay or go. We all deserve happiness in life and our children should see this. Whether with your current husband or someone you find in the future you deserve a complete love to give and recieve.
Now from experience...When your children are young it helps mask the problems in your relationship because you are busy with them when they grow and find their own friends and lives the problems that have always been there seem so much worse at that point you may talk to yor spouse who tells you "they are the same person your the one who has changed" and they just dont hear what you are triing to say to save a relationship that probably should have ended long ago after so many years the hurt and emptiness are overwhelming..Unfortunately, now there are more financial reasons to stay, age reason just more ties for you to try and say how do i get out of this.
Think long and hard the good and the bad you have together. Can you see things changing better or worse? Dont tuck your feelings away and think they will go away you really need to soul search. You may decide to stay you may decide to go dont think of it as a mistake but as an experience you were meant to have in your life for a reason. Leaving isnt easy but neither is staying and tucking aways doubts and feelings that really arent there to go through the motions and hope love will come doesn't always happen.
All the best to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I just posted my question last night and already there are 5 answers! I would just like to thank you all for your insight and understanding!!!! I would just like to add another detail, too, is that it hurts to think that if I leave my husband, our baby might end up being an only child. I'm already in my mid-30s. Being an only child myself, I know how lonely it can be as an adult not having any sibblings to share your joys and concerns with. My husband has been talking about having a second baby and sometimes, in my weak moments, I feel like I should just go for a second baby. This would be scacrifice. I would never be free to know what being in (reciprocated)love is, but my baby would have a sibbling to lean on later in life. Again, I really appreciated all your insight and understanding. Thank you!!!
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male
reader, gayuncleandy  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 Whatever you decide to do, make sure you have support people around you. If you don't, pay for them in the form of a counsellor who can help you decide and who can support you if you decide to separate from your husband. It sounds like a sticking plaster problem that you have been putting off, it will hurt like hell to tear it off, but the wound won't heal without doing it. There will be a scar either way. Talk to a third party honestly face to face before you communicate with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): You have choices - but the decision is hard. I am in a 'wrong' marriage - i.e. with the wrong person. I had an affair to make up the shortfall which I know is wrong but I was just so fed up and lonely. I don't recommend it because you then have two rubbish relationships. Can you start spending a little more of your time independently? By that I mean taking weekends with a close girl friend, going on a day trip or spending one evening at least a week out socialising etc. These things can in the immediate future provide you with extra confidence and give you an insight into life on your own. Do you know another single mum you could talk to? It could be time to start looking at the practical side of things - almost a plan including saving money that could also give you the stability of mind to see that leaving your husband is possible. Parents can still be parents after divorce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I really feel for you as I was also in the same situation. My sibling has left home and it is just me and husband together, after torture for 20 years of not loving him and just being their for them and not me. (It shows you are not selfish!)
The only advice is can you stand being with him for the rest of your life? I regret not leaving to be honest and now at 48 years old and scared to move on now alone. I ams tuck. Looking back I should have moved on years ago. It makes me envious people being happy.
Hope this helps you come to your decision.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  + ♥, writes (14 May 2008):
 It takes a lot of courage to leave a loveless marriage. Its fantastic that you are thinking of your baby but you deserve happiness too, you cannot live your life through your child and when baby leaves home what will be left for you then?? Your husband also deserves to be loved so staying with him is not best for him either even though he wont see it like that for a long time. Yes people will get hurt and there may well be resentment and bitterness for a while. Before you do anything plan it all out, find out your options financially, who will remain in the house or if it will have to be sold etc, how can you both live financially comfortably, find out if you are entitled to any benefits etc and draw a sensible plan of access for your husband to be able to spend quality time with your child. Never use baby as a tool in this. Stay firm and strong and you may be able to come through this and stay friends - its not easy but I know from experience it can be done. I wish you good luck x
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