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I’m losing hope for finding my match!

Tagged as: Health, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 March 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 March 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

It's been almost about 10 months since my ex and I broke up. It was the most crushing, devastating breakup I'd ever had. I thought we were in love and meant to be.

Since then, I've dated around. My past few attempts have all ended badly. Since our breakup, I've lost weight, started graduate school, made some new friends, and really worked to feel better about myself. But everyone I've met since him has been a dud. I'm starting to feel like no one will ever make me feel the same way again, and I'm losing hope. It seems like there are serious red flags with everyone else I've gone out with and I'm discouraged.

I have no social media accounts, but still sometimes look at his and which new friends he has added. I'm sure he'll date again, but I'm starting to feel like I'll be alone forever. Living in the South people get married young and I feel like an outcast for being 25 and single (I know it sounds ridiculous)

I have lots of hobbies and interests. I have a great job, lots of friends, an adorable pet, and volunteer regularly. I'm very independent and feel like I know exactly who I am. But I've always been missing that other half and am sick and tired of it. Since him, I've gotten excited about 2 people. One ended up having been in jail 3 times in the past year and the other had a mood disorder and serious PTSD. No judging- just lots of baggage.

How do I stop comparing all of them to the ex? Why am I glorifying a relationship HE ended?

I'm so over the apps. I've met guys at the gym, church, apps, work, through friends, etc. None of it works out.

View related questions: broke up, crush, in jail, my ex

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A male reader, liddel United States +, writes (11 March 2018):

Ha, I still regret a breakup from nearly 40 years ago. It happens. There has been great happiness since then and more than likely I'm over romanticizing the lost relationship.

You are youuuuunnnnggg, with most your life in front of you. Before you know it, this will be years behind you. Ten months is nothing in time and if you keep trying, you will be over this past relationship enough to find other meaningful ones.

It's all going to be okay. Your reference to time is not very much because of your age. There is no reason that you cannot get beyond this and live a great life.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (10 March 2018):

10 months is nothing... The reason nothing is working is because you're trying to much, too fast.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 March 2018):

You're too young to be losing hope for anything!

Love is not something you can schedule to occur on a timetable, sweetheart. Life doesn't happen according to your schedule. Finding a mate occurs in due-time, and being in a hurry only makes you do things out of haste and desperation. You'll get sloppy, and go out with the first thing that has a penis and a deep-voice!

You broke-up with someone; and suddenly your world ended.

You know why? Because you don't know beans about being independent and self-reliant.

You're supposed to meet duds and losers, so you know what the hell to stay away from. He's hard at work, trying to forget you and the pain in the neck you used to be! How's that?!!

You're like too many young women, who think you have to be in relationships at all times. Your self-worth is assessed and contingent on whether you can snag and hold-on to a guy. Before you even know what your fullest-potential is as an individual. Before you even know exactly WHO YOU ARE??? Your validation comes from being told you're pretty, or hearing the words "I love you!"

Your ego got bruised when you broke-up with your boyfriend; so now you feel rejected and like a failure, because things didn't workout with him. "He's prolly running around with some other chick, and not me!" He should be out there getting it out of his system; as should you!

I know how rejection feels. I got dumped and replaced by someone else within two months!!! That sucks! Being told on a rainy and dreary night that "you deserve someone better." Not even after a fight or a disagreement that I could blame it on! We were having a ball, for all I knew!

Stop making a manhunt your mission in life. Love comes unexpectedly. Date for the fun of it! You won't find an app for "instant-love!"

Focus on making yourself happy. Happiness isn't always being in a relationship. Nobody brings it to you, it's homegrown! Your purpose in life isn't finding replacements for the boyfriends that you breakup with. You weren't born only to be a wife and/or mother. You're also a free person!

You don't know how to enjoy life as a whole, self-reliant, independent-woman. So fate has decided for you. Marriage and babies have been delayed to allow you to figure-out what else there is in life. You have your youth! Enjoy it! If you can't live without drama, take acting lessons!

Always gotta be in a relationship!

Get a grip, girlfriend!

Travel, all by yourself! Be creative, carefree, and enjoy being young! Learn a foreign-language, go to the country of origin, and speak it to the locals! Live a little! Blaze a trail! Make the ladies pushing strollers and changing stinky poopy-diapers envy you! Freedom is a time of growth and self-improvement. Learning to survive by yourself; not codependent or half of somebody else.

You will find rushing to the alter, and pushing-out babies is going to bring on a whole new list of "woe is me's!!!"

You'll wish you had enjoyed your freedom when you had the chance.

Wait till your perky boobs start to feel the pull of gravity after being feeders, you won't have time to get your hair done, you can't go anywhere unless you find a babysitter; and there's a boring-ass man you call a husband that isn't the Romeo he used to be. Before you started sprouting babies and getting stretch-marks! Bills pile-up, and you'll wish you were 22 and single again!

Quit your whining, girlfriend!

Where are you going to find a 22 year-old dude who wants a bunch of crying babies, a mortgage, and three mouths to feed? Best they can offer at that age is a trailer, a junker for a car, and shift-work on pie-back jobs! Work on your career and aim high! You've got plenty of time. God is watching, better count your blessings!

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A female reader, louiselistens United Kingdom +, writes (9 March 2018):

louiselistens agony auntHi Anonymous writer,

You must have been very hurt by your ex to have held onto these feelings for so long.

These feelings that you have for him are dominating your life. Ten years on and no man measures up to him and you still check his social media. This is not healthy behavior. You need to be able to move on with your life, like he has.

It is important to try and figure out why you have placed your ex on a pedestal. Try taking some time to really consider what it was that made him so special to you and try to remember that when the two of you were dating, you were fifteen years old and I imagine he was too. You have both grown up since then and are completely different people than you were when you were fifteen.

Could it be that he represented something? A more carefree time in your life maybe? Excitement, first love, adventure?

Whatever he meant to you, you need to be able to let him go so that you can move forward with your life and feel fulfilled. Is there anyone in your life who you can share these feelings with and use as a sounding board so that you can try and figure out your reasons for holding on?

Best wishes,

louiselistens

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHow about you chill for a few months and DO NOT pursue dating. You sound like you are on the HUNT which makes it sound a little desperate.

Yes, I know in the South people marry young etc. but would you rather TAKE your time and find the RIGHT guy for you or find someone to settle with so you aren't going to be an "old maid at 25" (oh the horror! - sorry if that bit was sarcastic but I didn't meet my husband until I was 27 and didn't get married to 28, almost 29... and you know what? We are still married 20 years later and I'm NOT embarrassed for having taken my time).

One of my good friends from Louisiana married at 16 and it was a LONG and abusive relationship she FINALLY left after almost 25 years. She then met and later married a good friend of ours and they are still married 15 years later - HAPPILY married.

STOP looking at his Facebook page. Why pick at that scab? Why make yourself miserable over a guy who dumped you? I get that it hurts being dumped, it's NEVER pleasant. But the bottom-line is that HE didn't SEE you two as a long term match. So why pine after him? It's a waste of time.

You have hobbies, friends and family. Make them the focus for a bit.

My guess is you will have a MUCH better chance of meeting a GOOD one when you aren't looking or on the hunt.

And maybe... slow your roll a little. Could be that your ex broke up with you because you are TOO focused on the whole " I NEED to get married ASAP! or else"! Most guys your age tend to NOT be ready for that yet. Regardless of where they live.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2018):

I am just a random reader, but decided to share my thoughts since your situation sounds somewhat familiar. I can relate to your agony of being alone while every one around you has somebody and half of them are married. It is nasty to have that loner’s part.

But if one takes a look of what is going right, you are in a position where your life goes really greatly in other sectors:

You have ”a great job, lots of friends, an adorable pet, and volunteer regularly”. And you describe yourself as knowing who you are and are independend, which seems to imply that you have no larger personal issues to deal with. All of these sound like you are in a much better position than many others. I envy you.

So what is the problem?

It seems like, despite the 10 months passing, you have undealt business with yourself. The persons you found interesting were characters that have something which make them stand out of the crowd, and they have their signature problems too. And it feels like you are trying to find a replacement to your ex instead of giving yourself, and others, a fair change. Of the things you tell, it sounds like you really liked your ex, and asked why you glorify the relationship.

If I were you, I’d try to go through your previous relationship with your ex with a pen and a paper, listing the things you liked about him and about the time you spent together, to answer your own question. That might give yourself at least a quideline what to look for and what to avoid in the future.

In the end, I’d say you are well positioned in life and are still quite young (anything under 30 is young, mark my words). Do not give up so easily, so early, I’m sure life has a plenty to give to you, as well as you have for life.

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