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I could be in a relationship if I hadn't pushed him away

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 March 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 10 March 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I still have feelings for someone and it has been 4 years now , I feel really odd and obsessive for still having feelings for him . we didn't speak for very long because of my behaviour as I got really worried when he told me he liked me and I don't know what to do so I pushed him away and it made him dislike me and he stopped talking to me . I never meant to push him away in the way I did . I just didn't want him to know I liked him because it was one of the first times I had experienced someone liking me at the same time I liked them . I see him quite a lot with his girlfriend and it upsets me I don't know how to deal with this especially because we could have been in a relationship If It wasn't for me pushing him away . he got really nasty to me because of what I did although I apologised lots of time .When I see him I think off all the nasty things he's sad . how can I try not to think of him ? it is obsessive still having feelings for someone for so long and will it ever go away ?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2018):

There isn't much you can do except move on. We all make mistakes and we all have regrets.

I think the lesson you should take from it is that you can't play it safe all the time. I wonder if maybe you're the kind of person who keeps their hand guarded because they don't like rejection and you are romanticising the guy because he took all the risk.

But don't beat yourself up about it, it can be hard to know how to respond to something unexpected.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 March 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntJust because you pushed him away doesn't mean he has the right to be nasty to you. Honestly would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is going to treat you like that?

Have you tried meeting other guys and dating? It sounds like you are obsessing over this guy because you where the one that let him go and he moved on and found someone else. Having feelings for the first time can be very over whelming, but it has been four years so it is time to accept that you where not meant to be together.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntNo one likes rejection, but people handle it differently. He CHOSE to say nasty things to you and you CHOSE to STILL pine after him.

OP, it's been 4 years. YOU have WASTED 4 years pining after a guy you may have liked at some point, WHEN you were a teen! What we like in a partner in our teenage years is rarely what we want 4-5-6-10 years later.

You were BOTH immature. You handled a guy having interest in you with "flight instinct" and he handled it with a "fight instinct". BOTH reactions were off due to BOTH of you being immature and inexperienced. IT happens.

You have now spend the last 4 years beating yourself up for turning him down, thinking that he MUST have been this AMAZING guy - when he probably really wasn't.

Time to stop beating yourself up and time to take off those rose tinted glasses ans realize that he IS NOT the only guy out there worth your time, attention and emotions.

WE all make mistakes in life. All we can really do with those mistakes in LEARN from them and not repeat them. NOT "marinade" in them for 4 years!

HALF the World's population is male. He isn't the ONLY guy out there. And he certainly isn't the BEST guy either.

At some point you NEED to stop giving power to this obsession and start moving on.

Now you two MIGHT have had a relationship but who is to say it would have been a good one? That you would actually have worked out?

Time to let it go.

Chalk it up to immaturity, inexperience and move on.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 March 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI would concentrate SOLELY on the nasty things he said to you. Whatever you did, there is never a need to be nasty. He could have just walked away. He chose to retaliate with spite. The person you are obsessed with is the person you have built him up to be in your imagination, not the nasty person he really is.

I believe life is a lot about timing. When he made his feelings known, it was not the right time for you to have a relationship. End of. Stop beating yourself up. You acted instinctively. It was right for you at the time.

Forgive yourself for the wrong you feel you did (it wasn't wrong but you can't help your feelings), come to terms with the fact that he wasn't for you, wish him well in your heart and move on. You are worth better than someone who is nasty to you. Believe you are worth better and better will come your way.

Hugs.

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