A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I've gotten myself into a mess of a relationship and its driving me insane, so I figured it can't hurt to tell my story and see if someone has a word of wisdom to share. Its a long story so I'll get too it. Here it is:I am 17 years old and in my senior year of high school. Six months ago, I met a pretty little Chinese girl from Malaysia (who moved to Canada only a month before that). I am not Asian myself, but most of my friends are, so I am quite comfortable with the culture. So anyways, we got to know each other pretty well. We cuddled in front of movies, held hands, and all the good stuff (nothing too serious). I fell hopelessly in love with her and felt like I was on top of the world. Despite being inseparable, we never officially made the transition to boyfriend/girlfriend. There are number of reasons for this. First, I should mention that at 15 years old she is a year and a half and 2 grades younger than me. We have talked about making it official, but are still "stuck on the line" as she says. The official reason for not crossing the line is that, due to plans to attend university, things between us will, more likely than not be brought to a painful stop sometime within the next 3 years. (I am graduating high school next year but my uni of choice is in the same city)Basically, she doesn't want me to get too attached to her because she will have to rip my heart out one day. But at the same time, she doesn't want things between us to end and neither do I. But that is not really the problem at hand. She has been handed a number of cruel cards by fate. 5 years ago, her best friend died of a brain aneurysm, 3 years ago, her previous half-boyfriend was killed by a bus, last year 10 students from her school in Malaysia (most of which she knew quite well) were killed in a boating accident. And to make it all worse, she has now moved to a different continent, leaving all her friends behind, with a completely different culture and she is having trouble fitting in. She is trying to stay in contact with her friends overseas, but with a 15 hour time zone difference and half the planet separating them, she is losing it. So because of all this, she is becoming quite emotional and difficult to get along with. I want to help her through it, but I'm not really sure how.She has her moments and when she's not sulking, she is cute and bubbly and cuddly and very lovable. But those moments are getting few and far apart and its breaking our relationship apart. I really love her and desperately don't want things to end, but she is stuck in a rut and I'm not sure what to make of it. She tells me "you will never understand how I feel" and she is probably right, so I'm not sure how to respond to that.That is not all. She has a brother who is nearly the same age and socially inept and by decree of their parents (mom, aunt and uncle, no dad) they must go everywhere together. Which can get very awkward when we want to have some cuddle time. I have managed to make a very good impression on her parents and brother (mainly the brother). The brother, lacking any reel friends, clings to me like a child (even though he is almost 17) and it is very awkward. To make it worse, he constantly teases his sister about being close to me (even though he is often closer), and it's really a mood killer. Her brother also takes extreme offense to me trying to get him to go away for a few minutes (I am nice about it, but he isn't stupid and the message is clear), and ends up getting his sister in trouble with her parents (for "not helping her brother to fit in"). And then she gets mad at me for it and just leads to a big mess.So because of all this trauma and trouble, our time to be close is disappearing and being replaced with flared emotions and arguments. I still love her like nothing else, and I'm pretty sure she still loves me, and I want to make her happy again, but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. And on top of it I am in my senior year, which means I am quite busy with school work. Last thing, on the note of school work, she is quite aware that me trying to help her with her emotional problems is distracting me, and this just makes her even more unhappy. She tells me I should save myself from her world of trouble while I still can. She is pushing me away and doesn't even want to get close anymore. But I know she does not mean it, because if I ever show signs of giving up, she breaks down and pulls me back (but only for an instant). And besides, I can't just leave her to suffer. I am utterly devoted to her till fate tears us apart. Sorry for such a long read. If you managed to get to this far, I ask you, losing hope and desperate, what on earth should I do?
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female
reader, amandab  +, writes (6 February 2011):
ahh do you know i want to take you both and give you a big fat cuddle. you for being so kind nice genuine and caring. her for all the losses she has suffered and at such a young age, it sounds to me that she has attachment issues. it may be worth you doing a bit of reading on attachment. it is no wonder she is saying what she is saying, she is protecting herself. the hurt she has suffered, its she who doesnt want to have her heat ripped and her who doesnt want to loose you, so its not worth her getting close.
i feel for you, i also think its maybe too big for you, just be her friend, thats maybe all she can cope with
A
female
reader, snowqueen  +, writes (6 February 2011):
She seems like a person who is afraid to get attached, because she can't stand a thought of loss. Going through all the hardships its completely understandable. But she won't let go either. So this is why she keeps pushing you away and then pulling you back. I think you should be there for her since you do care about her, but don't worry for now if things don't move forward. If you put a slightest pressure on her she will push you away. Focus on yourself right now, she'll come around when she's ready.
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