A
female
age
41-50,
*uttercup76
writes:I married a man about 3 years ago and about a year after found out he was still married to his first wife...which made our marriage illegal and void... Seems like things started going down hill since then. We stayed together because we did care for each other and had a child together and he finally got his divorce from her and we talked about getting remarried, but seems like I was the one who wanted it more we made plans to do it and something always came up and he would put it off.. And now we have been together for almost 4 years and I recently split up with him and started seeing someone else but that ended too. Now he wants to get back together and try too work things out, he was always good to me, I always had money and was provided for but never any attention and affection, we went one year without sex.. And we never would hardly talk to each other about anything other than the kids and bills ..., and I really need that in my life, I'm afraid that it would go back to the some old routine, he promises that he will do better because he realizes that he took me for granted until I kicked him out. He says he loves me and our child and it is killing him to not be able to be there with us. I'm so confused about if I should give him another chance. He has always been honest and faithful and he is a good dad. But I'm not physically attracted to him just emotionally . We were friends for 8 years before we started dating. I just don't know what to do. My gut tells me to give him the chance my heart says I need more. Please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2012):
 “He has always been honest”
NO He hasn’t. HE LIED to you that he was available to be married. THIS IS NOT HONEST.
“he was always good to me, I always had money and was provided for but never any attention and affection, we went one year without sex..”
So you equate being good to you with money and providing for you but not affection, attention or sex.
“But I'm not physically attracted to him just emotionally .”
Ah so that’s why you are ok with NO affection and sex… because he’s a FRIEND, a buddy… NOT a lover.
“My gut tells me to give him the chance my heart says I need more. Please help”
What does your BRAIN say? Go for two out of three.
MY take:
He lied about being married to the first wife
He does not excite you physically
You like the security of being provided for and feel that it’s enough to warrant a loveless sexless life…
My personal opinion…. I would not take him back and try again. I think that it’s been a long term friendship and you are just settling because you are afraid to be alone and not provided for.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (7 December 2012):
 I think this is a question that only you can answer.
Not all relationships are based upon love and passion. Some people remain with each other simply because they get along. There isn't anything wrong with it, and some people prefer the situation. It seems safer and sometimes it is just easier, especially if you still care for one another and share similar interests. Many happy, long term marriages are more like best friends rather than passionate lovers.
However, I think you need to take some time for soul searching. What do you really want out of a relationship? What would honestly make you feel happy and fulfilled? Make a list and then put check marks next to areas that your ex filled.
Sometimes when we are faced with a question like this all the thoughts and "what-if's" cloud our decision making ability. By seeing it on paper, in black and white, you may be able to come to a decision.
Finally, don't let the fact that you are single (and probably alone) now allow you to settle. I know being single is tough (I've been there) but going back to your ex simply because you want company will ultimately lead you to unhappiness and disenchantment down the road.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): The question is can you support yourself and your child? If the answer is yes, why would you back to someone you werent in love with in the first place. When you are in love you want to be intimate with the person too, otherwise you would just be friends who have a child in common. If you kicked him out before for now being what you wanted I think it will be the same again, no matter how people try they always end up being themselves.Also think about the child...how confusing is this to him/her? If you really want to give it a chance I would suggest dating each other for a while, not live together and dont let the child know....see how it feels, whether you two can get something sparked between you...good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): For you to feel that way for him, you definitely been taken for granted too bad. Too bad that it made you scared to give it a try AGAIN. To be honest, I also don't think that u have totally forgotten your feelings for him. Somewhere in your heart there is still a space left for him. Otherwise you wont even think about it.
If I were you, give it a try. Remember there is no such thing as perfect. If it doesn't really feel right then just talk to him and end it. Since you have a son together, its worth one last try. Good luck..
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 It sounds as if you two have never been able to elevate your relationship beyond frienship and what with having a child and his bigamy making your marriage a sham and the whole non-affection and not having sex...I seriously cannot see why you would want him back as a partner. It seems he was a good provider of money but is that really enough?
I think you have to face facts that he will never change and suddenly become this passionate loving affectionate man on the face of things.
He needs to prove to you through his actions and it has to be sustained...if he slips back to his old ways (which is the most likely outcome)then you will have to throw him out of your life again, with all the upheaval that will have on you and your child.
The fact that he married you whilst married to someone else says a lot about him as a person...no wonder you have had such a struggle with him.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): I would say no. This relationship started on a lie. As far as being honest, no he wasn't. As far as the breakup. Yes he realises what he did wrong when you finally left him. Might funny how things becomes crystal clear. I guarantee you when you were trying to have these conversations with him, he didn't listen and now he's all grown up. Find someone else. You already said you were not physically attracted to him. There is no need for reconciliation. Just allow him to see his child and let it be at that. Best of luck to you.
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