A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a married woman who until 6 months ago had been having an affair for 10 years with a male colleague, also married. He ended it because he said he had felt increasingly unhappy for the last year or so. He felt that we were arguing too much, that I was possessive and that time together just wasn't good anymore. I did feel insecure about his love a lot of the time and admit to going on the attack sometimes as a cry for help and reassurance. I have tried so many things to try to get over the break-up but 6 months on I am still in emotional agony, feel physically ill, obsessed and panicky. The worst thing is that we still work together and salt is constantly rubbed in the wound. We speak daily but it feels very strained and nothing like it was. He seems to have moved on and I suspect he has now started a new affair with another married woman at work who is 20 years younger! I feel like I just don't know how to cope with this. I can't talk this through with anyone due to the shame of my own unfaithful behaviour for all those years.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): I'm sorry about the bitter responses you've gotten from people who've been cheated on or are afraid they will be. I realize cheating can actually have good intentions - if you fall madly in love with someone else, cheating can seem like a kinder solution than dumping someone who doesn't want to be dumped.As far as dealing with the pain is concerned - that's a hard one, especially if he really is seeing someone else. I think it's harder on your self-esteem that way. If a new job is a possibility, you should consider that, but if it's not, you need to do whatever you can to make yourself feel better - spend time with friends, do something nice for yourself. It doesn't sound like talking to him about the way you feel is an option? And therapy is always a good idea. If you find the right therapist, he or she can help make you feel sane again. Happy will take a while, though. This was a long relationship. It'll be hard.
A
male
reader, holikdad  +, writes (8 June 2009):
Tell your husband about the affair so he has the opportunity to kick you out of his life so he can find someone with better morals.
It makes me laugh to think that he's started another affair with someone 20 years your junior. It sucks doesn't it? Now you can imagine how your husband would feel.
You have an objectionable character and low morals. Go cry on someone elses shoulder. You'll get no sympathy from me and others who have been cheated on.
Cheaters are liars and pretty much deserve all emotional hardship they receive due to their infidelity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): I am 37 and had a 10 year affair which ended 3 years ago. I ended it but it was after much heartache and bitterness. The sense of loss happened before I broke it off and was like torture for the last 2 years of the affair because it was clearly going nowhere and resentment set in. Now I am free of it and living the life I want to live my energies are focused on me and not the 'relationship' I am in the process of changing careers and wish I had done it before instead of being preoccupied with the 'crumbs' this man served me for 10 years - cancelled meetings, dates cut short, feeling used after sex. I know this guy still needs me to prop him up but I have not once faltered and given in when he has tried to contact me. I was not as trapped as you as he was a supplier so I could keep things distant - I would urge you to change your job if you possibly can. I don't doubt that the guy I saw has probably had other affairs because his wife will never be enough for him I actually now feel sorry for her but it is their marriage and their problem. Do not underestimate what this relationship has done to your self esteem. It takes longer than 6 months to ride out the pain but you will I promise you - I am living proof. For some reason we have such low self esteems/self worth we seek men that are not available or a situation that will cause us pain and that will never make us happy. I strongly urge you to find out why you felt the need for this affair - just you - and to why you mention these cries for help / attention (I know the feeling well). To understand your actions is to help you move on and you will not fall into the same trap again. Set about refreshing your image both personally and physically and show to yourself and those you care about in your life that you are getting your self respect back. What kind of person do you aspire to be? You can set yourself free of this bit by bit - but I'm not suggesting its easy. I look back now and wonder what on earth I was doing and the time I wasted makes me very sad. Life is not a dress rehearsal. At the end of the day we allow these men to use us - so its our responsibility to prove to ourselves that we are worth more. I did it. So can you. I wish you strength and future happiness.
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (4 June 2009):
You mean to tell me, That were never caught? What about diseases? ...STD or any other form of something passed? "Wow" you're Pathectic
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): Cope with it by reminding yourself how lucky you are that you have gotten away with this and not gotten caught.
He cheated with you for 10 years and you are surprised he'd cheat on you with someone younger? Don't be.
I'm sorry you still have to work with the guy, but you need to accept that things are over. Take your energy and focus on yourself, or what's left of your marriage, or both. Good luck.
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