A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years and we got engaged in November. We started off very casually because we don't live in the same city - I happened to be visiting his town on a business trip, I met him, we hooked up, kind of thought it was going to be a one-night thing but then we started talking every day and ended up discovering that we had a really good connection. So we started meeting up as often as possible, travelling between the cities, and kept in constant contact. He became my best friend.Anyway, I am not a particularly monogamous person and I always told him that he was free to do whatever he wanted, and about six months into our relationship he started dating a girl in the same city as him. I was absolutely fine with that and things continued on as normal, until a while later when I discovered that the girl actually had no idea that I existed.By that time things were getting more and more serious between me and him, and I guess I wasn't altruistic enough to break up with him for the sake of a woman I'd never met. It started getting harder and harder to keep it a secret, and he finally broke up with her last November and we got engaged.I had been trying to arrange to be transferred to his city so that we could actually start having some kind of life together, but my work couldn't sort that out immediately. They just confirmed it last week, so I will be uprooting myself and moving to his city shortly.On the same day I told him that, he told me that he's besotted with one of the girls he's sleeping with (they've known each other a couple of weeks). Then he told me that once again, he hadn't quite mentioned to her the fact that he is already engaged. The last time was possibly more understandable as when he met the first one, he and I were barely more than friends with benefits - but now it seems as though he should be questioning himself.The problem is that I am fine with being polygamous. I don't mind him seeing other people. But he isn't poly - he just loves to cheat. He likes the thrill and excitement of doing things in secret, and he likes the power trip it gives him over the women to know that there is a whole side of his life that they have no idea about. The reason that I am the only person he has ever been interested enough in to propose to is that he tells me everything - but even that is turning manipulative, and he's starting to tell me things to test my reactions. His friends and colleagues know about me, but they aren't the type to break the news to this new girl.What should I do in this situation? Now that my transfer is in place, I have to go and live in his city! Should I contact the new girl and let her know the whole story? I don't want to be an accomplice to his lies. I feel like someone needs to take him down - he's on such a huge power trip that the only way he will ever open his eyes is for someone to put him firmly in his place.He asked me to keep quiet just for a few months while he goes through the thrill of this whole new relationship with this poor new girl, and then afterwards when he gets bored of her it'll be fine. SERIOUSLY? I am outraged on everyone's behalf. This is what he said to me exactly:"I have an artichoke heart! I fall in love with girls every couple of weeks, and I'm wild about them until the next one comes along - it's not real love, it's just the fun of it. In my life, there are solid things: my daughter [oh yes, he has a five-year-old], you, my close friends. And then aside from that the rest is just for fun." So yeah. What do I do?????
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 May 2014):
 Ah, I'm sorry if that hurts you.
But I'm not really surprised. You would have cramped his "style" by living near or with him. From what you wrote it seemed (at least to me) like he was trying to alienate you/push you away before you moved there, so he could continue his "life-style" without having a GF to "mess it up".
YOU can do better.
Good luck with the new job. Hopefully you are moving to a city big enough to enjoy life there without seeing too much of him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): Good for you! If I were you I would give the new girl the heads up on all of this so she can get out of this situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay well I broke up with him. I'm still transferring to his city but that's okay - it's actually a pretty exciting career move and is going to lead me to some good things. I think we can probably stay friends. Good luck to the new girl, I guess!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 April 2014):
Well, I AM glad you are not going straight from your home & town into his house.
Have you considered that the CLOSER you two get to actually being together the more he resists and almost push you away?
Do you know why he isn't with the mother of his child? Or was the child a product of one of his many many girls?
I think you two have different views on polygamous relationships. For him it's like being single and screw any girl in sight that catches his fancy, for you they lovers have to be strictly casual sex partners who KNOW what they walk into. My guess is that MORE men are OK sleeping with a woman who has a BF then women are sleeping with a guy who has a GF. Rules or no rules.
IF I were you, I would NOT move in for a good year of living close. See if you two can come to an arrangement that works for both of you. However, I think you will find that you will become a lower priority in his life then his libido.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): "What do I do?????"First, ask yourself why on earth you want to be involved with such a horrible person? This man sounds like a total, horrible narcissist. Honeypie has it exactly right, he thinks he can do whatever he wants to and you will tolerate it, and he is right. Accepting non monogamy is already a sign that you are willing to tolerate what most people won't.And ask: "why do I want to live this lifestyle which is not making me happy?"Most people who live that lifestyle do it because they have mental health and emotional problems and abuse in their past.If I were you I would break up with him, stop the "polygamy" and try to find someone who is reliable and faithful and HONEST which clearly this man isn't by a huge margin. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 OP I've never been in a polygamous relationship but I know someone who is in one and I can tell you, its a recipe for disaster. Somewhere down the line cracks will appear, you will lose faith in each other, you will constantly question each other, you will have no regard or respect for each other sexually, and when either of you feel jealous, there's no turning back because you started your relationship on the premise that its a polygamous one.
You say his behavior has only recently changed and also that you're about to move to his city. Could it be that this change in behavior is not just coincidental, that maybe he's behaving this way because he wants to push you away for the simple reason that(maybe subconsciously) he doesn't want you to move closer to him? Maybe because he knows that you being closer to him will put a spoke in his wheel?
" I fall in love with girls every couple of weeks, and I'm wild about them until the next one comes along - it's not real love, it's just the fun of it." OP consider his statement very carefully because THIS is EXACTLY what you are getting into. Here is a man who will bed a new woman every day and call it "fun" and you will have to deal with it. You know why he tells those women that he's single? Because that's the easiest way to get them to bed. Most women would back away from someone who says they're committed and that is why he asks you to not call him when he's with a girl so that she doesn't have the slightest idea that there's a girlfriend in the picture.
He's not just cheating on you, he's fooling the other girls too. Plus you never know what disease you might contract from him with all the sleeping around.
I really dont think this is the guy for you. Scratch that, this guy isnt fit for *anyone*. He has a five year old daughter and he's behaving like an unbridled asshole, what kind of an example is he going to set for his daughter anyway? And you are looking at a future with this man? Seriously OP, you will be laughed by people if this is what you voluntarily choose to get into and nobody will stand by you or support you (as his friends have already shown) because you're in this despite knowing everything. Of course they wont tell the new girl(s) anything because its none of their business and also, what's there to tell when you know everything and HE has no qualms?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): 'I feel like someone needs to take him down - he's on such a huge power trip that the only way he will ever open his eyes is for someone to put him firmly in his place.'This is what you'd say about an enemy, some monster that you cannot stand the sight of. That you are talking about your fiance in such terms is to put it mildly, slightly concerning.I have no experience in polygamous relationships so I cannot advise you there. But I do have a healthy, happy relationship so I can safely tell you that you're headed for a disaster if you see your fiance as an adversary.You realise that the manipulative instances are not one offs; they are a core part of him. Asking him to change is like asking him to change the colour of his iris. Not happening anytime soon.I agree with the other aunt who said telling the other woman is not going to change anything. He will just do it again with another.There's no way on earth Id move to a different city to be with someone like him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers.Honeypie: yes, I sleep with other people sometimes. I have had four or five casual relationships since I have been with him, and all of them knew about him right from the start - I told them all that it was important for them to know straight away so that if they weren't okay with it, we could just stop everything before anyone got hurt. Everyone was fine with it.I am okay with him having romantic relationships with other people. I am not okay with him telling me "don't call me tonight because this girl is coming back to my house and she thinks I'm straight-up". And then when I called him back to tell him that he was being a giant douche, he just blocked my number all night and called me all proudly two days later to tell me that they did it all weekend and that she was "unimaginative in bed". I am not moving straight in with him and have no plans to do so. However I am leaving my whole life behind to move to a city where he is the only person I really know.And aside from everything else, I do care about him. We have been best friends for a long time and it's only in the past two weeks that he's started getting weird. So I'm hurting a lot too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Sounds like you should break up, he doesn't understand how polygamy should work, you tell your partner about someone before doing anything about it, and you tell that person about your partner.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 April 2014):
Polygamous or not.
I HOPE for your sake that you aren't going to be moving STRAIGHT in with him. He asked you to marry him because he saw an opportunity to KEEP leading a single life while having the stability of a GF/Fiance/Wife.
You tell that girl and then what? He will find another, and then another..... All the while you will become the "hall-monitor" of he sexual exploits. IS that what you want for yourself?
I know that some people are more liberal when it comes to relationships, but when you are talking about a guy you are going to marry, possibly have children with.. you are TOTALLY OK with him screwing around? And if you at ANY point decide no, you are not (because you say you don't mind it, but.. you also want him to PLAY it by your rules- as in the girls have to be "willing" to JUST be a slice of ham on the side, his sloppy seconds).
Do you sleep with others besides him? Can you LIVE with a man who might not come home at night because he is out chasing the next young thing to screw?
I think YOU two (if you want to move forward with him) need to set some PRETTY clear boundaries and rules.
My guess is, even if you do so, he won't adhere to them. He wants to do what HE wants to do.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Why let HIM off the hook????? ... to the disdain of the innocent "other girl"????
I suggest you sit him down and tell him: "Hunchy-bunchy, we seemed to have had an agreement to have a polygamous arrangement.... HOWEVER, I believed that that meant that you and I and whoever else was taking part KNEW that that was "the arrangemnt." It seems, now and in your past dalliances, you were deceiving those "other" girls... and that they were unawares that THEY were in a polygamous "arrangement." Now... I'm not opposed to (this) polygamous relationship/arrangement... EXCEPT that I believe - and expect - that everybody who is participating in it is aware just what "the arrangement" is. In fact, Hunchy-bunchy, THAT IS A CONDITION OF MY TAKING PART IN OUR ARRANGEMENT, ANY MORE, IN THE FUTURE. Is that perfectly clear??????"
Then stick by your expectations and threat...
Good luck....
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